My loved one is suicidal, don't know anymore how to help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
My loved one is suicidal, don't know anymore how to help
So I called my boyfriend alcoholic worthless, looser after a fight, and he has fallen into severe depression. He hasn't had a normal job for 3 years, and the one he started with Doordash, whatever he makes he spends it all on alcohol and then tells me how he doesn't want to live that he is a burden to everyone, that we all hate him and so on. I know it's hard to take back hurtful words, and I keep telling him everytime we are here to help him, to support him, to guide him, offered to go get professional help, that he needs to quit alcohol and he is refusing it. I tried talking to his family and they all seemed not to care at all, like of well it is what it is. I love this man dearly, we have been together for a decade, and it hurts me and angers me to see him slowly killing himself and refusing help. He even told me himself to kick him out so he just go live under the bridge with the rest troubled homeless people or just drink himself to death. What can I do in this case? We have no money for rehab, nor normal insurance, or job that can help out with some rehab facilitation, and on top of it he keeps refusing to go anywhere for help. Is there a way for someone to come out and get him to rehab? I'm just out of solutions. I need advise before I go crazy myself. Thanks
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Bloveda,
Sorry for what brings you here. Until he wants to change, their is nothing you can say or do to help him. There are the three "C" you need to know. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. I know it's hard to see someone you love act this way towards themself and to you. Yes rehab is expensive, but he can always do AA. But until he admits that he has a problem with alcohol, he will not get better. You need to focus on yourself and what brings you happiness. Their are a lot of great people here that will help you through this. Keep strong and keep coming back.
Sorry for what brings you here. Until he wants to change, their is nothing you can say or do to help him. There are the three "C" you need to know. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. I know it's hard to see someone you love act this way towards themself and to you. Yes rehab is expensive, but he can always do AA. But until he admits that he has a problem with alcohol, he will not get better. You need to focus on yourself and what brings you happiness. Their are a lot of great people here that will help you through this. Keep strong and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
All of us say things we regret at some point, and can't take those words back. The best you can do is apologize, and show with your actions that you can stop yourself from saying hurtful things in the future.
As for what you can do to help him, you can't really. You'll see lots of people in here say you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The more you push him to go to the treatment you want, the more he will push back against you. I know you feel you know the right treatment for him, and just want what's best. But he needs to find what's right for him. It may end up being what you want, and it may not. He may never find what's right. Ultimately though you cannot force this good upon him. He must choose for himself.
I intimately understand the fear of losing your partner to suicide. If you read through my posts you'll see my experiences with my AH threatening suicide over and over. The fear is primal, and can be debilitating. But you need to believe, and understand deep in your core that you cannot control him. If he really, truly wants to kill himself, you could not stop him. Think about how you'd be able to physically prevent him. You'd have to lock him in a padded room like an institution, control his meals, keep anything dangerous away from him, etc. It's a physical impossibility. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to understand this, if he does hurt himself, you are not at fault. You do not control him. You need to free yourself from that sense that if you do the right thing, say the right thing, get him to the right place, then you'll save him. Ultimately, he must save himself.
Now, as for what you CAN do, you can only control your own actions. So, do not think about what you can do to get him to do something, only think about what you can do yourself. You need to research healthy boundaries, and find some that fit you and your relationship, and stand by them. You can control your own environment, create a space that is safe for you, and conducive to his recovery, then accept that you cannot force him to partake in it. If you say "no alcohol in my house" and he doesn't respect that, then he needs to leave until he can. Respecting your boundaries is tantamount to respecting you. You will never have a true partnership of there is no respect.
You're right that rehab is expensive. I don't have good advice here. I know there are programs to help make them more affordable, but others will certainly have more experience in this. There are resources though for helping with the monetary side of rehab. There are also free meetings on zoom and discord for both AA and AlAnon that you both could use. You may also be able to discuss with your employer about employee assistance programs, and about state insurance (medicaid, right?) that everyone should have if unemployed.
I know this is so hard. It feels like you are the worst person in the world when you hold tight to those boundaries. As if you're abandoning and betraying him, and have no doubt he will tell you you're doing exactly that. But you aren't. He is the one abandoning you in this partnership. He is having an affair on you with alcohol. You should read our subforum for the best of sober recovery. I've linked these before, but my top two are
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tionships.html (Addiction, Lies and Relationships)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
These can give you a good start into those readings. You need to see that you are not in control of your boyfriend, only yourself. You can only control your own actions, and sometimes even when you make the very best choice, this still don't come out the way you want. Please keep posting on here, talking to people, reading up on these forums and addiction in general. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is to relinquish your control over them, and let them sink or swim. I know it's terrifying, and there's no knowing how things will turn out, but he might also surprise you.
As for what you can do to help him, you can't really. You'll see lots of people in here say you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The more you push him to go to the treatment you want, the more he will push back against you. I know you feel you know the right treatment for him, and just want what's best. But he needs to find what's right for him. It may end up being what you want, and it may not. He may never find what's right. Ultimately though you cannot force this good upon him. He must choose for himself.
I intimately understand the fear of losing your partner to suicide. If you read through my posts you'll see my experiences with my AH threatening suicide over and over. The fear is primal, and can be debilitating. But you need to believe, and understand deep in your core that you cannot control him. If he really, truly wants to kill himself, you could not stop him. Think about how you'd be able to physically prevent him. You'd have to lock him in a padded room like an institution, control his meals, keep anything dangerous away from him, etc. It's a physical impossibility. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to understand this, if he does hurt himself, you are not at fault. You do not control him. You need to free yourself from that sense that if you do the right thing, say the right thing, get him to the right place, then you'll save him. Ultimately, he must save himself.
Now, as for what you CAN do, you can only control your own actions. So, do not think about what you can do to get him to do something, only think about what you can do yourself. You need to research healthy boundaries, and find some that fit you and your relationship, and stand by them. You can control your own environment, create a space that is safe for you, and conducive to his recovery, then accept that you cannot force him to partake in it. If you say "no alcohol in my house" and he doesn't respect that, then he needs to leave until he can. Respecting your boundaries is tantamount to respecting you. You will never have a true partnership of there is no respect.
You're right that rehab is expensive. I don't have good advice here. I know there are programs to help make them more affordable, but others will certainly have more experience in this. There are resources though for helping with the monetary side of rehab. There are also free meetings on zoom and discord for both AA and AlAnon that you both could use. You may also be able to discuss with your employer about employee assistance programs, and about state insurance (medicaid, right?) that everyone should have if unemployed.
I know this is so hard. It feels like you are the worst person in the world when you hold tight to those boundaries. As if you're abandoning and betraying him, and have no doubt he will tell you you're doing exactly that. But you aren't. He is the one abandoning you in this partnership. He is having an affair on you with alcohol. You should read our subforum for the best of sober recovery. I've linked these before, but my top two are
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tionships.html (Addiction, Lies and Relationships)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
These can give you a good start into those readings. You need to see that you are not in control of your boyfriend, only yourself. You can only control your own actions, and sometimes even when you make the very best choice, this still don't come out the way you want. Please keep posting on here, talking to people, reading up on these forums and addiction in general. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is to relinquish your control over them, and let them sink or swim. I know it's terrifying, and there's no knowing how things will turn out, but he might also surprise you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
I'm sorry Bloveda.
As others have said it has to come from within himself. Don't blame yourself for getting angry. You are human. It's depressing for you as well. Frustrating, infuriating.
Why not make contact with your local AlAnon group? Talk with others going through same?
Important too, to set boundaries. And mean it. Unless there are consequences to his drinking there is no reason for him to change.
Do you have a mental health service you can contact either online or phone? Get advice from someone skilled in mental health treatment.
All you can do is apologise for your words, but not retract your very real concern and impact on your own mental health.
Start putting yourself first.
As others have said it has to come from within himself. Don't blame yourself for getting angry. You are human. It's depressing for you as well. Frustrating, infuriating.
Why not make contact with your local AlAnon group? Talk with others going through same?
Important too, to set boundaries. And mean it. Unless there are consequences to his drinking there is no reason for him to change.
Do you have a mental health service you can contact either online or phone? Get advice from someone skilled in mental health treatment.
All you can do is apologise for your words, but not retract your very real concern and impact on your own mental health.
Start putting yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Well really there is nothing you can do. If you remember nothing else you read in my post I hope you will remember this:
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Sadly, if you think that any of his drinking/behaviour is within your control, it just really isn't. He is a separate person from you and he will make his own decisions.
Really all you can do is accept that, there is no use arguing with him about it. Telling him your feelings about his alcoholism once is enough, the rest is just wasted time and energy. As you can see it has no effect.
Addiction is destructive to him and to all those around him (particularly you). Is this how you want to live? If not it will be you that will have to change (the only person you have control over) because he is not going to.
I really hope you will stick around and read around the forum and get a really good grasp on what alcoholism is (for you, not for him).
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Sadly, if you think that any of his drinking/behaviour is within your control, it just really isn't. He is a separate person from you and he will make his own decisions.
Really all you can do is accept that, there is no use arguing with him about it. Telling him your feelings about his alcoholism once is enough, the rest is just wasted time and energy. As you can see it has no effect.
Addiction is destructive to him and to all those around him (particularly you). Is this how you want to live? If not it will be you that will have to change (the only person you have control over) because he is not going to.
I really hope you will stick around and read around the forum and get a really good grasp on what alcoholism is (for you, not for him).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
If a loved one does seem like a physical threat to themselves you can call 911 and ask them to do a mental health/wellness check. Sometimes this involves police showing up at your house, and I don’t necessarily recommend that for everyone. However, I did have a doctor who had to make that call for a friend of his, and my brother had to do it for his girlfriend once, and it happened to my husband before I knew him.
They can transport a willing person to a hospital if that is what the person wishes (what happened with my brother’s ex girlfriend). They can sometimes take a person involuntarily to a hospital for an evaluation (what happened to my husband because he was actively out of
his mind at the time). And they can just do a wellness check. https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Fa...ng-with-Police
I don’t know what the medical bills may or may not be like afterwards. But if it helps, that is always an option available to you. It may or may not have the desired outcome, but we can’t control that. I just know I felt so powerless when this was happening with my husband and overwhelmed, that knowing some emergency options I had available to me made me feel a bit better.
They can transport a willing person to a hospital if that is what the person wishes (what happened with my brother’s ex girlfriend). They can sometimes take a person involuntarily to a hospital for an evaluation (what happened to my husband because he was actively out of
his mind at the time). And they can just do a wellness check. https://www.nami.org/Your-Journey/Fa...ng-with-Police
I don’t know what the medical bills may or may not be like afterwards. But if it helps, that is always an option available to you. It may or may not have the desired outcome, but we can’t control that. I just know I felt so powerless when this was happening with my husband and overwhelmed, that knowing some emergency options I had available to me made me feel a bit better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I want to expand a bit on what edoering said because it is important. Suicidal threats and ideation need to be taken seriously, as you're aware. If your loved one is actively threatening suicide (i want to kill myself, or I'm going to with x method/ x plan), or saying things that idealize suicide ("i wish i could just give you all my money so you'd be better off when I'm gone" is one that my AH used), the best response is to treat the threat seriously, and call the police.
I had to call the police once for my AH when he was saying these things while on a binge at a hotel but wouldn't tell me where, and they found him and brought him to the hospital. At that time just one officer came to my house to talk and get more information. Later they called me to update about finding him and bringing him in.
Shortly after that, he returned home but resumed drinking. A short while after that, when he was barely responsive on the couch, I called for an ambulance. One officer came again, along with paramedics from the fire department. At this point he woke up and insisted he was only drunk, not suicidal. Because he wasn't activating trying to harm himself or anyone else, and was adamant that he did not want to go to the hospital, they couldn't force him to go at that moment. The caveat though was he had to sign an ama (against medical advice) release that he was not going for treatment when the paramedics felt he should, and the officer made it very clear that if I called again due to feeling unsafe, he would spend the night in the precinct to sober up.
The final instance of police in the house was from my AH's largest suicidal threat, where he locked himself in the bathroom, claimed he had a 357 magnum and would kill himself or anyone else who came near. It took negotiators 5 hours to calm him down and convince him to go to the hospital for treatment. The street and neighboring houses were locked down, and swat went through the house to search for the gun. They never found one, but the house was quite messy from the search (though mostly from the lack of care by my AH and brother in law binge drinking for a week).
I won't sugar coat it, all of those experiences were really violating to different degrees. Having the police come into your home isn't pleasant. Even when the individual officers are friendly and helpful, the nature of their need there renders it uncomfortable. That said, I would do the same thing again, because it was the right call. When crises come up, it's best to bring in professionals to handle them. It protects your partner, and it also protects you.
Let's say the hypothetical that your partner is manipulating you with these claims of suicide. (I'm not making a judgement that he is or isn't, this is just an example.) If you are called to make that judgement of if he's telling the truth or not, it puts you in an impossible position. It is one of the ultimate tools of an abuser to weild your love for them, and fear of their loss against you. This is why calling the police in response to a threat is always the right answer. If the threat is genuine, then you have called in the most qualified people to help care for him. If it is manipulation, then you have called the bluff on a way that protects you, because he will know you're willing to involve the authorities. The point is, if he is threatening suicide, take it seriously, and call for help.
Now, the much harder subject is involuntary institutionalization. In my state, it's referred to as section 35. (As an aside, the statute used to find him and bring him to the hospital was section 12 I believe). This can only be done by a small pool of people, such as direct relative, spouse, or doctor. I'm not entirely sure if you could as a girlfriend. To file for this, you petition the court, and essentially stand in a trial against him. You would have to prove he has a drinking disorder, and that it has progressed to the degree of being a harm to himself and others. This is the last, last option. It is really hard to convince judges to do this. If you even could file, and he acts agreeable, then it would likely be dropped. They don't want him to become a ward of the state after all. Forcing a person into long term treatment is extremely difficult, and not something to be taken lightly. I was in a position to do this after my husband was admitted to the hospital after the police brought him in that last time, and his doctor in the er said he was leaving her care so she no longer could. I decided against it, because it would be the ultimate move in trying to control his care. I chose to file for divorce to remove myself from the chaos instead.
Here's a link to learn a bit more:
https://www.mass.gov/service-details...35-the-process
I realize I've written you two novels now, so I hope you enjoy reading! My point with all of this is to really drive home to you that you are not alone in this situation, and because I really want to get my point across about your lack of control over his treatment. I know how horrible it feels. All of the words I've posted on this site can't accurately describe it, but there are a lot of people here who understand, because they've lived it. Feeling like you have to stand helplessly on the sideline instead of fighting the battle for your partner's life is horrendous. But your fight is different than his. You have to set the stage for your health and happiness to flourish, so that if he's able to choose to focus on his health and relationships, you're also in a place to do so. This lack of control over his actions frees you to focus on yourself. There's nothing you can do to control your partner, the best you can do is take care of yourself, and create an environment that fosters healing for both of you. Use your boundaries to set the guidelines for what that healthy space means, and stick with them. If he threatens suicide, take him seriously and call for help. There's a ton of good resources on here for healthy boundaries, you should really read through them. Lots of people here have gone through similar situations, and are happy to give advice or just listen. You can get through this.
I had to call the police once for my AH when he was saying these things while on a binge at a hotel but wouldn't tell me where, and they found him and brought him to the hospital. At that time just one officer came to my house to talk and get more information. Later they called me to update about finding him and bringing him in.
Shortly after that, he returned home but resumed drinking. A short while after that, when he was barely responsive on the couch, I called for an ambulance. One officer came again, along with paramedics from the fire department. At this point he woke up and insisted he was only drunk, not suicidal. Because he wasn't activating trying to harm himself or anyone else, and was adamant that he did not want to go to the hospital, they couldn't force him to go at that moment. The caveat though was he had to sign an ama (against medical advice) release that he was not going for treatment when the paramedics felt he should, and the officer made it very clear that if I called again due to feeling unsafe, he would spend the night in the precinct to sober up.
The final instance of police in the house was from my AH's largest suicidal threat, where he locked himself in the bathroom, claimed he had a 357 magnum and would kill himself or anyone else who came near. It took negotiators 5 hours to calm him down and convince him to go to the hospital for treatment. The street and neighboring houses were locked down, and swat went through the house to search for the gun. They never found one, but the house was quite messy from the search (though mostly from the lack of care by my AH and brother in law binge drinking for a week).
I won't sugar coat it, all of those experiences were really violating to different degrees. Having the police come into your home isn't pleasant. Even when the individual officers are friendly and helpful, the nature of their need there renders it uncomfortable. That said, I would do the same thing again, because it was the right call. When crises come up, it's best to bring in professionals to handle them. It protects your partner, and it also protects you.
Let's say the hypothetical that your partner is manipulating you with these claims of suicide. (I'm not making a judgement that he is or isn't, this is just an example.) If you are called to make that judgement of if he's telling the truth or not, it puts you in an impossible position. It is one of the ultimate tools of an abuser to weild your love for them, and fear of their loss against you. This is why calling the police in response to a threat is always the right answer. If the threat is genuine, then you have called in the most qualified people to help care for him. If it is manipulation, then you have called the bluff on a way that protects you, because he will know you're willing to involve the authorities. The point is, if he is threatening suicide, take it seriously, and call for help.
Now, the much harder subject is involuntary institutionalization. In my state, it's referred to as section 35. (As an aside, the statute used to find him and bring him to the hospital was section 12 I believe). This can only be done by a small pool of people, such as direct relative, spouse, or doctor. I'm not entirely sure if you could as a girlfriend. To file for this, you petition the court, and essentially stand in a trial against him. You would have to prove he has a drinking disorder, and that it has progressed to the degree of being a harm to himself and others. This is the last, last option. It is really hard to convince judges to do this. If you even could file, and he acts agreeable, then it would likely be dropped. They don't want him to become a ward of the state after all. Forcing a person into long term treatment is extremely difficult, and not something to be taken lightly. I was in a position to do this after my husband was admitted to the hospital after the police brought him in that last time, and his doctor in the er said he was leaving her care so she no longer could. I decided against it, because it would be the ultimate move in trying to control his care. I chose to file for divorce to remove myself from the chaos instead.
Here's a link to learn a bit more:
https://www.mass.gov/service-details...35-the-process
I realize I've written you two novels now, so I hope you enjoy reading! My point with all of this is to really drive home to you that you are not alone in this situation, and because I really want to get my point across about your lack of control over his treatment. I know how horrible it feels. All of the words I've posted on this site can't accurately describe it, but there are a lot of people here who understand, because they've lived it. Feeling like you have to stand helplessly on the sideline instead of fighting the battle for your partner's life is horrendous. But your fight is different than his. You have to set the stage for your health and happiness to flourish, so that if he's able to choose to focus on his health and relationships, you're also in a place to do so. This lack of control over his actions frees you to focus on yourself. There's nothing you can do to control your partner, the best you can do is take care of yourself, and create an environment that fosters healing for both of you. Use your boundaries to set the guidelines for what that healthy space means, and stick with them. If he threatens suicide, take him seriously and call for help. There's a ton of good resources on here for healthy boundaries, you should really read through them. Lots of people here have gone through similar situations, and are happy to give advice or just listen. You can get through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 2
I am so elevated by so many responses! I didn't even know about the three C's. It sure makes me re-think the whole situation, and I know I can't control it. I hope he realizes himself that he needs help, and it doesn't come to a point where I have to involve authorities. I didn't even know you can do health check by calling police, and so many more great advises, but if worst comes to worst, I think I'll at least have an idea what to do with all the given resources. Thank you all so much for your support
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Bloveda 
I am so elevated by so many responses! I didn't even know about the three C's. It sure makes me re-think the whole situation, and I know I can't control it. I hope he realizes himself that he needs help, and it doesn't come to a point where I have to involve authorities. I didn't even know you can do health check by calling police, and so many more great advises, but if worst comes to worst, I think I'll at least have an idea what to do with all the given resources. Thank you all so much for your support
Many here hoped their loved one would seek help as well, sadly it doesn't happen all that often. I hope you start looking less at what he is up to and maybe think more about yourself? You really need to take care of yourself first and foremost. There is a book that is recommended here often - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's not a long book but has a lot of great information about relationships and boundaries. It might just get you making a plan and thinking more about what your boundaries are.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are in the middle of this crap. Your bf is making himself into a victim which then supports his drinking. This is what alcoholics do and isn't personal to you or I. It is just what they do.
I would encourage you to decide what you would like from life. The book suggested to you, Codependent No More was a life changer for me. As was me working the Al-anon program. Unhook yourself from his drama and focus on you. He will do what he is going to do. It is up to you whether you have had enough of it yet.
Please be kind and loving to yourself. Glad you are posting and expressing your thoughts. Being with someone like that feels so lonely and isolating. Take care.
I would encourage you to decide what you would like from life. The book suggested to you, Codependent No More was a life changer for me. As was me working the Al-anon program. Unhook yourself from his drama and focus on you. He will do what he is going to do. It is up to you whether you have had enough of it yet.
Please be kind and loving to yourself. Glad you are posting and expressing your thoughts. Being with someone like that feels so lonely and isolating. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Active alcoholics thrive on self pity. It's how they rationalize their continued behavior. Why should I bother to try? I'm just a worthless miserable SOB anyway, so what difference would it make? It's very much a common thing. Recovering alcoholics call it the pity potty, when you have to watch an active alcoholic sit around and mope but still continue drinking. It's basically just a really low and greasy form of manipulation. Call his bluff and give him the boot. He'll either figure things out or he won't. But you won't have anything to do with that anyway, because it's up to him, and at least you won't be wasting your precious time anymore. Peace to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by BlownOne
Active alcoholics thrive on self pity. It's how they rationalize their continued behavior. Why should I bother to try? I'm just a worthless miserable SOB anyway, so what difference would it make? It's very much a common thing. Recovering alcoholics call it the pity potty, when you have to watch an active alcoholic sit around and mope but still continue drinking. It's basically just a really low and greasy form of manipulation. Call his bluff and give him the boot. He'll either figure things out or he won't. But you won't have anything to do with that anyway, because it's up to him, and at least you won't be wasting your precious time anymore. Peace to you.
In Al-anon it was suggested to me that when they pull this suicide crap you phone the police (or whatever is appropriate where you live).
Then you are covered both ways. If the alcoholic is genuinely suicidal, he will be given the help he needs. If it is b/s, then the police will know how to deal with it. Also this is likely to stop him pulling the same stunt.
I saw this in action on an absolutely screaming, spitting, raging alkie. She was threatening left right and centre she was going to kill herself to punish everyone. When the Police arrived she transformed into a meek little kitten. She didn't pull that particular crap again.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
I was engaged to an alcoholic who did follow through with the suicidal talk. Believe, me there is nothing anyone can do to stop someone if that person is determined to go. When I was in that situation, I believed myself to be so powerful and influential with my enormous love and caring, but in retrospect I can see how very powerless I was. I learned the very hard way that everyone is in charge of their own life. People who seem the biggest messes are the best teachers of this truth. I learned that I cannot and need not control anyone else's life. I learned that it is true that if you try to carry an alcoholic, he will die in your arms.
Most of all, I started to learn that emotional independence is healthy and that desperately not wanting give up on someone is toxic for all concerned. I started to learn this very important difference.
Most of all, I started to learn that emotional independence is healthy and that desperately not wanting give up on someone is toxic for all concerned. I started to learn this very important difference.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Bloveda,
So many others have mentioned welfare checks and calling the police, which you absolutely should do, if a suicidal ideation is made.
Part of my story is that my deceased AH did complete suicide 6 years ago -- he had many addictions and was on multiple drugs when he passed. My point is this: I was lucky, so fortunate he did not take me with him as he'd threatened to do. I was literally in the right place at the right time.
You absolutely must in the back of your mind remember that your safety is priority. If they're willing to ideate, it's not a stretch to grab onto you, too. Please be very cautious, and put into place whatever plan you need. (I was in the right place because I'd set up a place to go that he didn't know about, I had access to emergency funds and my ID, I had a plan in place to be safe).
Another word of caution: if you do call for police and there is a mental health or detox hold, have a plan in place for where you and he go afterwards (hopefully not together). One of the many times I'd called for a well check after his suicidal ideation, deceased AH talked the police down and they let him back in the house. I'm not proud to say that he did get ahold of me and beat me up, in front of our children (at that point I did file for a restraining order and start my safety plan).
Be safe, put a plan in place, call for police if you need to.
And really think about what you want for your life going forward.
So many others have mentioned welfare checks and calling the police, which you absolutely should do, if a suicidal ideation is made.
Part of my story is that my deceased AH did complete suicide 6 years ago -- he had many addictions and was on multiple drugs when he passed. My point is this: I was lucky, so fortunate he did not take me with him as he'd threatened to do. I was literally in the right place at the right time.
You absolutely must in the back of your mind remember that your safety is priority. If they're willing to ideate, it's not a stretch to grab onto you, too. Please be very cautious, and put into place whatever plan you need. (I was in the right place because I'd set up a place to go that he didn't know about, I had access to emergency funds and my ID, I had a plan in place to be safe).
Another word of caution: if you do call for police and there is a mental health or detox hold, have a plan in place for where you and he go afterwards (hopefully not together). One of the many times I'd called for a well check after his suicidal ideation, deceased AH talked the police down and they let him back in the house. I'm not proud to say that he did get ahold of me and beat me up, in front of our children (at that point I did file for a restraining order and start my safety plan).
Be safe, put a plan in place, call for police if you need to.
And really think about what you want for your life going forward.
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