I feel like giving up .... maybe it is just today ...a letter to him
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I feel like giving up .... maybe it is just today ...a letter to him
I am just going to write openly and vulnerably because I guess I need to just write....I am not sending this but I need to write somewhere to get all the pain out
Dear AH,
I still don't know where to begin but I have to. I am afraid. You left me 10 days ago. It felt out of the blue. I guess it really wasn't. You never have treated me with respect. Our history is 7 years deep and at least once a month you would do something that would warrant a breakup... I was like that frog in the boiling pot... As I start to open up to my family and friends and tell the stories the shock feels like a warm wave of shame. I was living in a fantasy with you. A fantasy that on your end wasn't difficult to keep up. I just wanted a family. I was even willing to turn a blind eye to so much just to have what felt like unity. So here it is. I MUST write down a list of things that you did that were unacceptable and abusive. I need to write them down. So I went in the old archives and this is the list I wrote in 2016.... So I will paste it an add to it
1. His ex wife left him "out of the blue" after having a 2 year long affair and took his 5 and 7 year old across the country to live with another man. He went there and confronted her and caused a scene but never took the kids back with him or called the authorities ... He went to court and ended up getting 50/50 custody which meant she had to move back here... but the whole process took a year ... I never understood why or how he could've let her have them in a different state being raised by a man he never met for a whole year ( he flew them out 3 times )
2. He was willing to argue and fight with me in front of his kids
3. He deleted all the texts between him and his ex wife after I looked in his phone.
4. He told me he knew he was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill him.. then he would quit for 2 weeks go to one AA meeting and start drinking again. When I would hold him accountable he would say that I was controlling.
5. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for anyones feelings...which really relayed to me as "I don't want to be held accountable for the promises I make"
6. He asked if we could be friends with benefits just hours after we broke up
7. He moved his ex wife into the home we created just 4 days after we broke up and I moved out
8. He wrote my pet name in the notes section of the check he gave me 2 weeks after we broke up and had hardly had any contact...
9. After not spending almost an entire year with his children that he "said he loved more than anything" .... He is going out for 4th of July weekend. Now granted his ex wife seemingly wants nothing to do with him and said she wanted the kids for 4th of July weekend. But why on gods green earth would you let the woman who stole your children from you for a year take them for a holiday weekend?
10. He could say he was "working on his sobriety" with a beer in his hand
11. He made fun of me for using the word boundaries ...like literally would mock me
12. I saw a text between him and his guy friend where he said that "at least I help with the bills and know my place now"( this was within days after he broke up with me and begged for me back)
13. he thought it was ok when he had a night job to sleep from 8 am to noon while his 5 and 8 year old were in the living room without supervision... This seemed odd to me... he would say "they are good kids and will come wake me up when they need something" Meanwhile one of the nights when I came home from work he was asleep in our bedroom and had been since 3 pm and it was 6:30 pm..the kids hadn't been showered and were hungry. The house was a disaster ... I fed them...cleaned... got them showered and ready for bed...read them a bedtime story etc... and when I confronted him about it and said if I was going to play a mother role to his children the least I needed was him to be a boyfriend to me and he said "It is an adjustment and that this is all day everyday and said ....are you sure you are ready to be a stepmom?" I felt like it was mocking me and rude esp since he didn't do MOST of the work in the total of 7 weeks we had them together... I was willing to be hs kids stepmom because I really cared for them but I had needs too and they weren't being met ....
14. I rarely if ever...actually I will go with never planned dates, got me mothers day cards, ect. On our one year wedding anniversary we were in Maui (where we got married) and he planned a date...which I was excited about because it was so rare. He made reservations for us to go to where we had our wedding rehearsal dinner. He got so drunk before/during the happy hour part that he couldn't make it to the dinner portion. We went back to our hotel and I ended up ordering pizza. He passed out
15. The ONLY mothers day gift he ever got me was a card that had 2 women on it ( a lesbian mothers day card ) and a balloon that said happy mothers day in spanish... I am all for lesbians and for Spanish but I am not a lesbian and I don't speak Spanish ...that being said he took a picture of it and posted on his social media. I was humiliated. While all my friends husbands are posting pictures of their wives with brunch ect he posts that cause he thinks it is what....Funny? It isn't like we went to brunch in addition. He basically showed the world that I was a joke
16. He drank and drove daily
17. He got in a hit and run accident ..... I had terrible PTSD from it ...he totaled his car...(at least there was no one in the other car) but he wrecked it and made me swear I wouldn't say anything...I was scared of the backlash He continued to drink and drive and when I would beg him not to he would say I was being too emotional.
18. He had 2 days a week at least where he was so hungover he had to drink by 6 am
19. He drank and drove with his children in the car
20. When I went to the hospital because I thought I had Covid ( I had 103 fever and couldn't breathe ) the dr wanted me to stay and get an ex ray of my lungs. It was 3 am and I had to be in an outside unit in the rain because it was at the begining of covid times. The dr wouldn't let him by me and when I asked why the nurse pulled me aside and said your husband seems erratic and smells of alcohol. He waited in the car for me but after an hour was getting irritated that I was there so long and said he needed to go. So I had to go with im because Uber was down due to covid. We started driving away and I realized that the car smelled really bad of alcohol. He had poured himself a togo drink to take me to the ER!!! It was pouring rain and I begged him to pull over and he wouldn't. In the morning I woke up to him gone. He was at the bank taking all of our money out saying that our car was missing and someone stole it. I walked outside and went to where we had parked it the night before and it was right there. He was so drunk he didn't remember
21. When we were looking for homes to buy our realtor was running late so we went to dinner. We each had 1 glass of wine. We walked into the house and it had a min bar at the front. The realtor and I went upstairs to look around the house. When we said our goodbyes and got in the car to drive away he was swerving. I was like what is going on you only had one glass of wine are you ok?? I finally convinced him to pull over and he confessed to me that he had stolen alcohol from the mini bar and drank it in the bathroom at the property!!! So I had to drive ( without my glasses...I need glasses to drive at night) home...
God the list goes on and on.... He told me he was in love with his ex wife still 3 years into our marriage on Easter... while in a black out... That was fun.... He took it back later..... He told me he was in love with another girl at one point ....I started crying and throwing up and while i was he was telling me all the reasons he loves her.....also in a black out ....next day took it back and said I need you ...you are the love of my life blah blah blah....
Ugh I am getting nauseated thinking about the reality I went through... I am also in a funk and feel so strange since Sunday... It is like if I could make it work somehow in my head all those horrible things didn't happen.... now I have to face them and I think I am having PTSD
So thankful for this forum.... I am just exhausted and scared... I really hope this feeling lifts soon. I have been praying...reading on here night and day and reaching out to friends and family
Dear AH,
I still don't know where to begin but I have to. I am afraid. You left me 10 days ago. It felt out of the blue. I guess it really wasn't. You never have treated me with respect. Our history is 7 years deep and at least once a month you would do something that would warrant a breakup... I was like that frog in the boiling pot... As I start to open up to my family and friends and tell the stories the shock feels like a warm wave of shame. I was living in a fantasy with you. A fantasy that on your end wasn't difficult to keep up. I just wanted a family. I was even willing to turn a blind eye to so much just to have what felt like unity. So here it is. I MUST write down a list of things that you did that were unacceptable and abusive. I need to write them down. So I went in the old archives and this is the list I wrote in 2016.... So I will paste it an add to it
1. His ex wife left him "out of the blue" after having a 2 year long affair and took his 5 and 7 year old across the country to live with another man. He went there and confronted her and caused a scene but never took the kids back with him or called the authorities ... He went to court and ended up getting 50/50 custody which meant she had to move back here... but the whole process took a year ... I never understood why or how he could've let her have them in a different state being raised by a man he never met for a whole year ( he flew them out 3 times )
2. He was willing to argue and fight with me in front of his kids
3. He deleted all the texts between him and his ex wife after I looked in his phone.
4. He told me he knew he was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill him.. then he would quit for 2 weeks go to one AA meeting and start drinking again. When I would hold him accountable he would say that I was controlling.
5. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for anyones feelings...which really relayed to me as "I don't want to be held accountable for the promises I make"
6. He asked if we could be friends with benefits just hours after we broke up
7. He moved his ex wife into the home we created just 4 days after we broke up and I moved out
8. He wrote my pet name in the notes section of the check he gave me 2 weeks after we broke up and had hardly had any contact...
9. After not spending almost an entire year with his children that he "said he loved more than anything" .... He is going out for 4th of July weekend. Now granted his ex wife seemingly wants nothing to do with him and said she wanted the kids for 4th of July weekend. But why on gods green earth would you let the woman who stole your children from you for a year take them for a holiday weekend?
10. He could say he was "working on his sobriety" with a beer in his hand
11. He made fun of me for using the word boundaries ...like literally would mock me
12. I saw a text between him and his guy friend where he said that "at least I help with the bills and know my place now"( this was within days after he broke up with me and begged for me back)
13. he thought it was ok when he had a night job to sleep from 8 am to noon while his 5 and 8 year old were in the living room without supervision... This seemed odd to me... he would say "they are good kids and will come wake me up when they need something" Meanwhile one of the nights when I came home from work he was asleep in our bedroom and had been since 3 pm and it was 6:30 pm..the kids hadn't been showered and were hungry. The house was a disaster ... I fed them...cleaned... got them showered and ready for bed...read them a bedtime story etc... and when I confronted him about it and said if I was going to play a mother role to his children the least I needed was him to be a boyfriend to me and he said "It is an adjustment and that this is all day everyday and said ....are you sure you are ready to be a stepmom?" I felt like it was mocking me and rude esp since he didn't do MOST of the work in the total of 7 weeks we had them together... I was willing to be hs kids stepmom because I really cared for them but I had needs too and they weren't being met ....
14. I rarely if ever...actually I will go with never planned dates, got me mothers day cards, ect. On our one year wedding anniversary we were in Maui (where we got married) and he planned a date...which I was excited about because it was so rare. He made reservations for us to go to where we had our wedding rehearsal dinner. He got so drunk before/during the happy hour part that he couldn't make it to the dinner portion. We went back to our hotel and I ended up ordering pizza. He passed out
15. The ONLY mothers day gift he ever got me was a card that had 2 women on it ( a lesbian mothers day card ) and a balloon that said happy mothers day in spanish... I am all for lesbians and for Spanish but I am not a lesbian and I don't speak Spanish ...that being said he took a picture of it and posted on his social media. I was humiliated. While all my friends husbands are posting pictures of their wives with brunch ect he posts that cause he thinks it is what....Funny? It isn't like we went to brunch in addition. He basically showed the world that I was a joke
16. He drank and drove daily
17. He got in a hit and run accident ..... I had terrible PTSD from it ...he totaled his car...(at least there was no one in the other car) but he wrecked it and made me swear I wouldn't say anything...I was scared of the backlash He continued to drink and drive and when I would beg him not to he would say I was being too emotional.
18. He had 2 days a week at least where he was so hungover he had to drink by 6 am
19. He drank and drove with his children in the car
20. When I went to the hospital because I thought I had Covid ( I had 103 fever and couldn't breathe ) the dr wanted me to stay and get an ex ray of my lungs. It was 3 am and I had to be in an outside unit in the rain because it was at the begining of covid times. The dr wouldn't let him by me and when I asked why the nurse pulled me aside and said your husband seems erratic and smells of alcohol. He waited in the car for me but after an hour was getting irritated that I was there so long and said he needed to go. So I had to go with im because Uber was down due to covid. We started driving away and I realized that the car smelled really bad of alcohol. He had poured himself a togo drink to take me to the ER!!! It was pouring rain and I begged him to pull over and he wouldn't. In the morning I woke up to him gone. He was at the bank taking all of our money out saying that our car was missing and someone stole it. I walked outside and went to where we had parked it the night before and it was right there. He was so drunk he didn't remember
21. When we were looking for homes to buy our realtor was running late so we went to dinner. We each had 1 glass of wine. We walked into the house and it had a min bar at the front. The realtor and I went upstairs to look around the house. When we said our goodbyes and got in the car to drive away he was swerving. I was like what is going on you only had one glass of wine are you ok?? I finally convinced him to pull over and he confessed to me that he had stolen alcohol from the mini bar and drank it in the bathroom at the property!!! So I had to drive ( without my glasses...I need glasses to drive at night) home...
God the list goes on and on.... He told me he was in love with his ex wife still 3 years into our marriage on Easter... while in a black out... That was fun.... He took it back later..... He told me he was in love with another girl at one point ....I started crying and throwing up and while i was he was telling me all the reasons he loves her.....also in a black out ....next day took it back and said I need you ...you are the love of my life blah blah blah....
Ugh I am getting nauseated thinking about the reality I went through... I am also in a funk and feel so strange since Sunday... It is like if I could make it work somehow in my head all those horrible things didn't happen.... now I have to face them and I think I am having PTSD
So thankful for this forum.... I am just exhausted and scared... I really hope this feeling lifts soon. I have been praying...reading on here night and day and reaching out to friends and family
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Is the pain from the breakup or the absolutely horrible way this man treated you?
I don't think anyone can live with the kind of pain this must have caused you over the years and be unaffected by it. You try and try and he drinks and drinks. wth!
He truly is in the advanced stages/insanity of alcoholism, from this description and he frankly doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Not you, not his ex not his children, no one. He has no compassion, no empathy, no integrity.
I'm so sorry you are hurt, you deserve SO much better than this. I know that statement is used a lot, overused in fact, but it is absolutely true here. Please don't ever think you are unworthy or that you have done something wrong. This man is far far away from anyone that is in any state to be in any relationship (not even someone's friend).
I don't think anyone can live with the kind of pain this must have caused you over the years and be unaffected by it. You try and try and he drinks and drinks. wth!
He truly is in the advanced stages/insanity of alcoholism, from this description and he frankly doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Not you, not his ex not his children, no one. He has no compassion, no empathy, no integrity.
I'm so sorry you are hurt, you deserve SO much better than this. I know that statement is used a lot, overused in fact, but it is absolutely true here. Please don't ever think you are unworthy or that you have done something wrong. This man is far far away from anyone that is in any state to be in any relationship (not even someone's friend).
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by California123 
Breakups are tough but honestly it sounds like the VERY best thing that could have happened. Will be tough for a bit but hang in there in the short term! Just know you will be so much better off, guaranteed
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Is the pain from the breakup or the absolutely horrible way this man treated you?
I don't think anyone can live with the kind of pain this must have caused you over the years and be unaffected by it. You try and try and he drinks and drinks. wth!
He truly is in the advanced stages/insanity of alcoholism, from this description and he frankly doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Not you, not his ex not his children, no one. He has no compassion, no empathy, no integrity.
I'm so sorry you are hurt, you deserve SO much better than this. I know that statement is used a lot, overused in fact, but it is absolutely true here. Please don't ever think you are unworthy or that you have done something wrong. This man is far far away from anyone that is in any state to be in any relationship (not even someone's friend).
I don't think anyone can live with the kind of pain this must have caused you over the years and be unaffected by it. You try and try and he drinks and drinks. wth!
He truly is in the advanced stages/insanity of alcoholism, from this description and he frankly doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Not you, not his ex not his children, no one. He has no compassion, no empathy, no integrity.
I'm so sorry you are hurt, you deserve SO much better than this. I know that statement is used a lot, overused in fact, but it is absolutely true here. Please don't ever think you are unworthy or that you have done something wrong. This man is far far away from anyone that is in any state to be in any relationship (not even someone's friend).
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Originally Posted by California123
#20....absolutely pathetic and the perfect example of why an alcoholic makes a horrible partner. Be done with this jerk---
I don't know what I am going through. It feels like a purge ...it is exhasuting. I can't concentrate... I don't want him back...
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Thanks it is for the better. I know that 100% but I still feel shaken up... I am not sure why...I feel like I should be relieved. Maybe it is like when people get out of a torture situation they feel in shock at first
Of course there is always the sense of losing the person that "could have been", which as most know is the reason most stay for far too long, the good times etc. Don't focus on them. Know, you can have plenty of good times with many people, future partners etc without all of the ridiculous and selfish things listed above, as well as the non-stop worry and stress. This is a giant win for you, as everyone here would agree!
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California123: I don't really have many memories of him being kind or us doing things together or him being supportive. It got worse month by month. It felt truly like something when someone gets attached to their kidnapper. I forgot what that is called.... I am not thinking of good times with him....I am mainly worried about my own mental state right now. My own confusion... I feel like I am walking around and having panic moments and moments where I feel out of my body and can't concentrate... I am thinking as I come out of the fog and the moments of abuse come to surface it is making me feel shaky inside ... I feel like I usually am or was before this decently emotionally sound.... I am just hoping with time this goes away.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
California123: I don't really have many memories of him being kind or us doing things together or him being supportive. It got worse month by month. It felt truly like something when someone gets attached to their kidnapper. I forgot what that is called.... I am not thinking of good times with him....I am mainly worried about my own mental state right now. My own confusion... I feel like I am walking around and having panic moments and moments where I feel out of my body and can't concentrate... I am thinking as I come out of the fog and the moments of abuse come to surface it is making me feel shaky inside ... I feel like I usually am or was before this decently emotionally sound.... I am just hoping with time this goes away.
It can be really scary when your body and mind doesn't feel right. It's basically re-setting itself. Keep reaching out on here to these people, it is so helpful. And also, definitely have a few friends that you can talk to on a regular basis. Real friends will always be there and won't judge at all. That also helps tremendously, talk to them about things. Hang in there
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Kaya.....I think that you shouldn't be alone in the house when you are feeling this way. I assume that you have a staff and/or know someone who you are friendly with---I suggest that you ask some compassionate friend to come and be in the house for a while. As I have said, before, as a medical person, that human contact is one of the essential factors.
In addition, since you mentioned your recent excessive blood loss---you really should contact your doctor and see if part of your exhaustion is coming from that---possibly a low blood iron level. Also, talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist about all that you are going through. All of the details of how you are feeling. Not JUST about the question of antidepressants or not---but, for talking about the whole situation. lol...they do more than to just prescribe meds, you know. You need the contact and the talking.
Grieving is beyond awful---I know, because I have been there, myself. You need to cut yourself a break and to have more human in face support and contact. You said yoursellf, that you "need someone to hold you and tell you that it is going to be o.k. Plus some medical attention.
You may well be suffering from trauma and may need some very specialized help. Ask your psychiatrist and psychologist for help. That is what they are there for.
In addition, since you mentioned your recent excessive blood loss---you really should contact your doctor and see if part of your exhaustion is coming from that---possibly a low blood iron level. Also, talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist about all that you are going through. All of the details of how you are feeling. Not JUST about the question of antidepressants or not---but, for talking about the whole situation. lol...they do more than to just prescribe meds, you know. You need the contact and the talking.
Grieving is beyond awful---I know, because I have been there, myself. You need to cut yourself a break and to have more human in face support and contact. You said yoursellf, that you "need someone to hold you and tell you that it is going to be o.k. Plus some medical attention.
You may well be suffering from trauma and may need some very specialized help. Ask your psychiatrist and psychologist for help. That is what they are there for.
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California123 Thank you so much for this. It is so valuable to me. To know you went trough it to and that your body and mind came back to you. It is only 10 days since he left so I feel like I guess I need to be patient ...
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya.....I think that you shouldn't be alone in the house when you are feeling this way. I assume that you have a staff and/or know someone who you are friendly with---I suggest that you ask some compassionate friend to come and be in the house for a while. As I have said, before, as a medical person, that human contact is one of the essential factors.
In addition, since you mentioned your recent excessive blood loss---you really should contact your doctor and see if part of your exhaustion is coming from that---possibly a low blood iron level. Also, talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist about all that you are going through. All of the details of how you are feeling. Not JUST about the question of antidepressants or not---but, for talking about the whole situation. lol...they do more than to just prescribe meds, you know. You need the contact and the talking.
Grieving is beyond awful---I know, because I have been there, myself. You need to cut yourself a break and to have more human in face support and contact. You said yoursellf, that you "need someone to hold you and tell you that it is going to be o.k. Plus some medical attention.
You may well be suffering from trauma and may need some very specialized help. Ask your psychiatrist and psychologist for help. That is what they are there for.
In addition, since you mentioned your recent excessive blood loss---you really should contact your doctor and see if part of your exhaustion is coming from that---possibly a low blood iron level. Also, talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist about all that you are going through. All of the details of how you are feeling. Not JUST about the question of antidepressants or not---but, for talking about the whole situation. lol...they do more than to just prescribe meds, you know. You need the contact and the talking.
Grieving is beyond awful---I know, because I have been there, myself. You need to cut yourself a break and to have more human in face support and contact. You said yoursellf, that you "need someone to hold you and tell you that it is going to be o.k. Plus some medical attention.
You may well be suffering from trauma and may need some very specialized help. Ask your psychiatrist and psychologist for help. That is what they are there for.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya....I hear all that you are saying...but, I still don't think you should be alone in the house. I believe that you need someone to be living with you for a while.
Isuggest that you are suffering from the effects of trauma...and that requires some specialized professional level attention...as early treatment is VERY important to the eventual prognosis. You are having panic attacks, and what sounds like periods of possible dissociation and fear and mental and physical exhaustion.
I hope that you will, at least, consider what I am saying----at least consider it with an open mind (not your superwoman mind...lol) for a couple of hours.
Isuggest that you are suffering from the effects of trauma...and that requires some specialized professional level attention...as early treatment is VERY important to the eventual prognosis. You are having panic attacks, and what sounds like periods of possible dissociation and fear and mental and physical exhaustion.
I hope that you will, at least, consider what I am saying----at least consider it with an open mind (not your superwoman mind...lol) for a couple of hours.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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I agree with dandylion, it sounds like you would really benefit from someone being around physically. You really sound like you're experiencing ptsd, and should seek professional help.
Now to a couple of your points:
The attachment between a hostage and abductor you were trying to find the word for is Stockholm syndrome. I think it's a pretty apt analogy for the connection between an abuser and their victim. And he is absolutely an abuser. Your list shows he knows all the tools to keep you in while also keeping you down.
You mentioned talking to your doctor about more medication. I want to emphasize I'm not a doctor, this is only my thought and you should definitely listen to a medical professional about any medications. That said, my thought on that is I would be careful about starting anti depressants right now. They take a really long time of consistent use to work properly, and you are in such a mixed state right now, that your fluctuating mood, emotions, and brain chemistry might...affect the efficacy of the drug (I think I'm saying that right.) My point is you should think carefully about starting new medications right now, and really talk to both of your doctors about it at length. I don't know if it's the right or wrong thing or anything right now, I just wanted to advise being cautious and thorough with your research and discussions with your doctor about it.
As for your list of the activities you're doing, I'm glad you're posting here and keeping busy. It's good to have a sense of normalcy and self care amid all this pain and chaos. That said, it's OK to not be OK right now. You're processing years of abuse, shuffling through your traumas, coming to terms with your grief over the loss of your partner, all while trying to keep up with all your other stuff. It's OK to take a step back, plan a time when you can hand off responsibilities to others, and just breathe for a bit. Or scream and yell and cry and rant and rave. My point is that you need to let yourself feel these feelings. Of course it's overwhelming, this sh*t he put you through is overwhelming!
To put it mildly, you need a vacation. Time away from the daily grind to think and process and feel. You seem to like walking and stuff, maybe plan a week, or possibly extend a weekend and go on a camping trip with some of your support group. Or plan trips to fun zoos/ aquariums/ museums, etc. Maybe rent a room or cabin by a lake or beach for a few days with friends. Whatever activities bring you joy.
You are getting through this, and you are going to continue getting through it. The pain is intense right now because you're going through years of suppressed pain. It's like cleaning out a wound. Right now you're at the really painful scouring out part, but this is what will allow the wound to heal. Just remember that times of calm and peace are also needed to balance your work and daily grind. You've got this.
Now to a couple of your points:
The attachment between a hostage and abductor you were trying to find the word for is Stockholm syndrome. I think it's a pretty apt analogy for the connection between an abuser and their victim. And he is absolutely an abuser. Your list shows he knows all the tools to keep you in while also keeping you down.
You mentioned talking to your doctor about more medication. I want to emphasize I'm not a doctor, this is only my thought and you should definitely listen to a medical professional about any medications. That said, my thought on that is I would be careful about starting anti depressants right now. They take a really long time of consistent use to work properly, and you are in such a mixed state right now, that your fluctuating mood, emotions, and brain chemistry might...affect the efficacy of the drug (I think I'm saying that right.) My point is you should think carefully about starting new medications right now, and really talk to both of your doctors about it at length. I don't know if it's the right or wrong thing or anything right now, I just wanted to advise being cautious and thorough with your research and discussions with your doctor about it.
As for your list of the activities you're doing, I'm glad you're posting here and keeping busy. It's good to have a sense of normalcy and self care amid all this pain and chaos. That said, it's OK to not be OK right now. You're processing years of abuse, shuffling through your traumas, coming to terms with your grief over the loss of your partner, all while trying to keep up with all your other stuff. It's OK to take a step back, plan a time when you can hand off responsibilities to others, and just breathe for a bit. Or scream and yell and cry and rant and rave. My point is that you need to let yourself feel these feelings. Of course it's overwhelming, this sh*t he put you through is overwhelming!
To put it mildly, you need a vacation. Time away from the daily grind to think and process and feel. You seem to like walking and stuff, maybe plan a week, or possibly extend a weekend and go on a camping trip with some of your support group. Or plan trips to fun zoos/ aquariums/ museums, etc. Maybe rent a room or cabin by a lake or beach for a few days with friends. Whatever activities bring you joy.
You are getting through this, and you are going to continue getting through it. The pain is intense right now because you're going through years of suppressed pain. It's like cleaning out a wound. Right now you're at the really painful scouring out part, but this is what will allow the wound to heal. Just remember that times of calm and peace are also needed to balance your work and daily grind. You've got this.
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I really agree with dandylion that having someone to stay, even for a week or two would be really beneficial, just to give you that extra feeling of security and someone to talk to when you feel you would like to. Doesn't even have to be the same person, could your Sister come over for a week and then your Mom? Do they live close by, could you stay with your Mom for a bit?
Aside from the trauma you have been through, the rug has been pulled out from under you, it may not have been much of a relationship in the end but it was there, it was somewhat predictable, it was your life, then poof - everything changes, that's hard at the best of times.
It does sound like panic attacks, of course, your anxiety level is high. These things you have been doing, talking to close friends your Mom/Sister/Aunt, going to they gym, going walking, are any of these things making you feel better, even for a few hours?
You already know this is being unreasonably hard on yourself. When I am hard on myself I ask, ok, what is this helping? Is this helping me at all? No. So why am I doing that? It's almost, well really it is hurting yourself.
Oh, feeling bad, how about I kick myself!
You know when you hear stuff like, "well you wouldn't talk to someone else that way, why would you talk to yourself that way" or "what if this was your Sister's situation, would you say that to her"? Yes, those can sound cliché for sure, but it's actually true. You really do need to give yourself a break, stop being mean to yourself, you know?
Be kind to yourself, you're a nice person, you are going through a hard time, kindness.
Aside from the trauma you have been through, the rug has been pulled out from under you, it may not have been much of a relationship in the end but it was there, it was somewhat predictable, it was your life, then poof - everything changes, that's hard at the best of times.
It does sound like panic attacks, of course, your anxiety level is high. These things you have been doing, talking to close friends your Mom/Sister/Aunt, going to they gym, going walking, are any of these things making you feel better, even for a few hours?
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
Maybe i just need to give myself a break. I tend to get hard on myself...like on 4th of july i stayed in...cried... watched movies....literally all day... and I judged myself for not "enjoying the day"... I have to remind myself I am not super woman and if I need a few months to take it easy I can....
Oh, feeling bad, how about I kick myself!
You know when you hear stuff like, "well you wouldn't talk to someone else that way, why would you talk to yourself that way" or "what if this was your Sister's situation, would you say that to her"? Yes, those can sound cliché for sure, but it's actually true. You really do need to give yourself a break, stop being mean to yourself, you know?
Be kind to yourself, you're a nice person, you are going through a hard time, kindness.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya....I hear all that you are saying...but, I still don't think you should be alone in the house. I believe that you need someone to be living with you for a while.
Isuggest that you are suffering from the effects of trauma...and that requires some specialized professional level attention...as early treatment is VERY important to the eventual prognosis. You are having panic attacks, and what sounds like periods of possible dissociation and fear and mental and physical exhaustion.
I hope that you will, at least, consider what I am saying----at least consider it with an open mind (not your superwoman mind...lol) for a couple of hours.
Isuggest that you are suffering from the effects of trauma...and that requires some specialized professional level attention...as early treatment is VERY important to the eventual prognosis. You are having panic attacks, and what sounds like periods of possible dissociation and fear and mental and physical exhaustion.
I hope that you will, at least, consider what I am saying----at least consider it with an open mind (not your superwoman mind...lol) for a couple of hours.
I went for a 5 mile run/walk just now and it helped so much. I went to one of my favorite parks... called one of my best guy friends... talked to my best friend and we decided we are going to start training for a 1/2 marathon for January .... I feel a bit better. I am a little on the fence of having someone stay with me. I really like my space and it is a 2 bedroom apartment and I am in the middle of turning the second bedroom into an office... I mean maybe for a week or so.... I am friends with the 2 girls that live next door...They know what is going on and have been supportive. Thank you for all you do on here by the way your advice is amazing
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Originally Posted by Cookie314
I agree with dandylion, it sounds like you would really benefit from someone being around physically. You really sound like you're experiencing ptsd, and should seek professional help.
Now to a couple of your points:
The attachment between a hostage and abductor you were trying to find the word for is Stockholm syndrome. I think it's a pretty apt analogy for the connection between an abuser and their victim. And he is absolutely an abuser. Your list shows he knows all the tools to keep you in while also keeping you down.
You mentioned talking to your doctor about more medication. I want to emphasize I'm not a doctor, this is only my thought and you should definitely listen to a medical professional about any medications. That said, my thought on that is I would be careful about starting anti depressants right now. They take a really long time of consistent use to work properly, and you are in such a mixed state right now, that your fluctuating mood, emotions, and brain chemistry might...affect the efficacy of the drug (I think I'm saying that right.) My point is you should think carefully about starting new medications right now, and really talk to both of your doctors about it at length. I don't know if it's the right or wrong thing or anything right now, I just wanted to advise being cautious and thorough with your research and discussions with your doctor about it.
As for your list of the activities you're doing, I'm glad you're posting here and keeping busy. It's good to have a sense of normalcy and self care amid all this pain and chaos. That said, it's OK to not be OK right now. You're processing years of abuse, shuffling through your traumas, coming to terms with your grief over the loss of your partner, all while trying to keep up with all your other stuff. It's OK to take a step back, plan a time when you can hand off responsibilities to others, and just breathe for a bit. Or scream and yell and cry and rant and rave. My point is that you need to let yourself feel these feelings. Of course it's overwhelming, this sh*t he put you through is overwhelming!
To put it mildly, you need a vacation. Time away from the daily grind to think and process and feel. You seem to like walking and stuff, maybe plan a week, or possibly extend a weekend and go on a camping trip with some of your support group. Or plan trips to fun zoos/ aquariums/ museums, etc. Maybe rent a room or cabin by a lake or beach for a few days with friends. Whatever activities bring you joy.
You are getting through this, and you are going to continue getting through it. The pain is intense right now because you're going through years of suppressed pain. It's like cleaning out a wound. Right now you're at the really painful scouring out part, but this is what will allow the wound to heal. Just remember that times of calm and peace are also needed to balance your work and daily grind. You've got this.
Now to a couple of your points:
The attachment between a hostage and abductor you were trying to find the word for is Stockholm syndrome. I think it's a pretty apt analogy for the connection between an abuser and their victim. And he is absolutely an abuser. Your list shows he knows all the tools to keep you in while also keeping you down.
You mentioned talking to your doctor about more medication. I want to emphasize I'm not a doctor, this is only my thought and you should definitely listen to a medical professional about any medications. That said, my thought on that is I would be careful about starting anti depressants right now. They take a really long time of consistent use to work properly, and you are in such a mixed state right now, that your fluctuating mood, emotions, and brain chemistry might...affect the efficacy of the drug (I think I'm saying that right.) My point is you should think carefully about starting new medications right now, and really talk to both of your doctors about it at length. I don't know if it's the right or wrong thing or anything right now, I just wanted to advise being cautious and thorough with your research and discussions with your doctor about it.
As for your list of the activities you're doing, I'm glad you're posting here and keeping busy. It's good to have a sense of normalcy and self care amid all this pain and chaos. That said, it's OK to not be OK right now. You're processing years of abuse, shuffling through your traumas, coming to terms with your grief over the loss of your partner, all while trying to keep up with all your other stuff. It's OK to take a step back, plan a time when you can hand off responsibilities to others, and just breathe for a bit. Or scream and yell and cry and rant and rave. My point is that you need to let yourself feel these feelings. Of course it's overwhelming, this sh*t he put you through is overwhelming!
To put it mildly, you need a vacation. Time away from the daily grind to think and process and feel. You seem to like walking and stuff, maybe plan a week, or possibly extend a weekend and go on a camping trip with some of your support group. Or plan trips to fun zoos/ aquariums/ museums, etc. Maybe rent a room or cabin by a lake or beach for a few days with friends. Whatever activities bring you joy.
You are getting through this, and you are going to continue getting through it. The pain is intense right now because you're going through years of suppressed pain. It's like cleaning out a wound. Right now you're at the really painful scouring out part, but this is what will allow the wound to heal. Just remember that times of calm and peace are also needed to balance your work and daily grind. You've got this.
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Trailmix... This reasonated with me a lot...My sister lives in Maui and I live in California...we are super close and Face Time 2 days a week at least...and my mom unfortunately has gone through several amputations ( leaving her with no legs ) over the last 4 years so traveling or her staying is not possible. ( I guess that is another trauma I experienced recently...I was in and out of the hospital for months making the decisions on if she should have another amputation or not) ...it left her ultimately with 1/2 a body......... so our family (her obviously the most really went through such an intense time)..... I am really close to my dad and my step mom and they live 4 miles from me.... Maybe some sleep overs over there can help... I feel most comfortable in my own bed with my cat though... The rug being pulled out from under me is the craziest feeling of it all.... you put that perfectly... everything I knew was gone in an hour...just like that...it felt like a death...still does... I will be less hard on myself moving forward..... the positive news is as hard as this is...he remains blocked... I have no urge to contact him... he feels like a stranger to me somehow and I am glad he is 2,000 miles away. That is the best case scenario... I know that deep down... most of us don't get the luck of our AH just vanishing and literally moving across the country... it is more pain now cause it creates deep abandoment issues and I feel thrown away....but for the long term I couldn't ask for more. I don't have the anxiety of feeling like I will run into him on a date somewhere or that he will sleep with someone I know or show up at my door .....well he did fly to show up at my door last time... so who knows on that one...but having him not be local I think will help
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It is natural and normal for our bodies to have major negative health effects after a trauma event. The difference between normal post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder is if the hypervigilant/fight-or-flight behaviors continue weeks & months & years after a typical person would recover some equilibrium. For most of us, panic attacks and physical or emotional pain are part of flushing OUT the trauma and beginning the healing process—for some, we get stuck in the process and don’t break free, hence PTSD diagnosis.
Given how fresh the event was, and how awful the situation, I think it is perfectly reasonable (though not deserved!) that you are in the thick of it right now. I definitely think asking your mental health team about trauma-informed therapies might be useful right now! I think CBT and EMDR come to mind as things to possible ask about.
If you had a life-threatening case of pneumonia, you would absolutely cut yourself some slack and focus on staying alive and getting healthy first, career accomplishments and positivity second. This is no different. It sounds like you are doing soooo much to care for yourself, I’m really impressed! And I’m so, so sorry it’s this painful in the meantime.
Given how fresh the event was, and how awful the situation, I think it is perfectly reasonable (though not deserved!) that you are in the thick of it right now. I definitely think asking your mental health team about trauma-informed therapies might be useful right now! I think CBT and EMDR come to mind as things to possible ask about.
If you had a life-threatening case of pneumonia, you would absolutely cut yourself some slack and focus on staying alive and getting healthy first, career accomplishments and positivity second. This is no different. It sounds like you are doing soooo much to care for yourself, I’m really impressed! And I’m so, so sorry it’s this painful in the meantime.
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