LovelyKaya33333

So annoyed today that this is a drinking holiday...a Lets go out and get drunk without thinking type of day... I am feeling like an insecure wet mop... I wish I could be that naive sometimes...Maybe if I am being honest I am envious of those that can. Those people that go out get drunk... and don't give a crap about what they do to their kids or their spouse cause after all it is just 4th of July... I understand I am 100% triggered right now....However on a society level I feel like it is just soooo accepted... I do realize I live in one of the most party places in the country ....but it is still annoying today... If I am being honest it is a reminder that I am a "stick in the mud" cause I don't find it amusing to get as drunk as I can before I do something "fun"...usually that something is based on overt sexuality or behavior that creates shame at some level later.... as I write this I understand that there is a lot coming up here... Growing up in high school I felt so off... I was considered one of the "popular girls" I was on the surf team and I was kind of expected to be a party chick.... BUT i wasn't... I grew up feeling stared at because the boys in high school found me to be "hot" whatever that was... for me it only felt like all eyes were on me and it wasn't fun. I was dealing with a vestibular disorder that made me only have 1/2 an equilibrium....so I never wanted to feel more "off" by drinking than I already felt ... It was something I hid and was ashamed of.... I got through by pure focus and drive... I am sure it had a part to play in why my surfing didn't go past college and why at parties I preferred quiet rooms having conversation over the over stimulating party atmosphere.... Sorry to be so frusterated or triggered today but one of the things my ex husband ( that just left me a week ago without warning ) would say is that I am not good at partying!!! So I am having so much emotion thinking he is partying with a party girl....mind you I we are both a year away from being 40 so I know logically I should be thinking "Really at 40 years old that is what you want...and exit the room, metaphorically speaking..... but it triggers me deep down because I felt so left out in high school due to my vestibular disorder making feel dizzy and not wanting to "party"... that it just feels now that I am boring and in my mind he is having a blast with some other chick... part of me can play out that story and get to a point where I know that isn't true and the other part of me feels my little girl in me coming up saying....just go to a bar...drink....find a hot dude...post it on instagram and do what people do...... ugh I am just going to get in my PJs...stay home with my cat.....and try and process this... Thank you for listening

dandylion

Kaya----you are doing fine!
Aren't cats such good quality time? For my curiosity----what is kitty's name and color, please?

dandylion

Kaya....you caused a very old classic song to pop into my head.
After all---who is the one who is losing a good thing, here.
I am dedicating that song to you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fk6lgA10MQ

Boondock

Hey don't worry about it you're not missing anything, a night of slurred speech you don't remember followed by puking and a drunken emotional breakdown. And then waking up in the morning feeling like a corpse because you poisoned yourself all night. Stick with the sober fun it's better, take it from an ex drunk, I know what I'm talking about.

trailmix

I did have my party days but then I got married young, had a child a year later and that was pretty much done for several years.

You are not those people. Those are things that don't interest you, so why would you do them? Perhaps because you have been around a heavy drinker for so long most of your friends or mutual friends find partying fun too, maybe many joint activities centered around alcohol, maybe it's time to find people that share your interests?

For me, I can take it or leave it, drink or not drink at any given time, depending on my mood and if I want to. Right now I probably haven't had a drink for a couple of years at least. But what anyone else is doing is of no interest to me (in terms of alcohol).

I wonder if this is more of a self esteem issue than a not being a party girl thing. You feel like you are the odd person out. Trust, me, you're not. That's easy for me to say but it's maybe something you can look at? Something you no longer have to feel bad about.

What a ridiculous thing to say. It's so ridiculous it's the only comment I could come up with!

Boondock

Yeah, as if partying is a talent or a skill...lol

LovelyKaya33333

Hi...My Kitty is a Tabby and her name is Kaya ...She is so freaked out right now cause of the fireworks... I love cats. She is almost 16 and I have had her since she was 6 weeks. I am really close to her. She sleeps in my bed every night. My dad ( who I am very close to ) suggested that I think about getting another or 2 other kittens ( I want to adopt kitten siblings) before my cat passes so that the loss isn't as bad... My AH wouldn't let me before so I think it is on my to do list now. I have a 2 bed 2 bath place so it would be easy for me to acclimate them over time. It is also kitten season so plus plus

LovelyKaya33333

I know right? I didn't think of it as something silly until it was just pointed out..... Thank you

LovelyKaya33333

trailmix... Thank you for this... I for sure feel like the odd person out.

velma929

You're doing fine.

We had such high hopes for having fun yesterday - seeing a parade, cooking out, fireworks --it has rained all day. So MY exciting activities were cleaning the upstairs bathroom, doing two loads of laundry (and running them through the dryer instead of hanging them out) and watching Ray Bradbury on Comet. Could not talk Other Half into watching Godzilla Vs Space Godzilla; his comment was "I outgrew liking those movies when I was nine."

Years ago, we had neighbors who weren't very --- uh --- mindful. They would have parties large groups of people over, consume many drugs, (fine) and crank up their sound system (not so fine). We'd have to call them and ask that they turn down the music so we could hear our own TV and this was in a rural area. Their house was 700 feet away. We mentioned it to another person, who asked, "Are you sure you're not jealous you aren't asked to their parties?" I told her no, they don't care about their guests. She looked at me funny. "How can they enjoy their guests' company if they can't talk to them? We can't hear the TV in our own living room over the music. They might as well be drinking and getting high alone." But if they sat alone in their living rooms getting lit, they'd be problem drinkers, wouldn't they? (sometimes my eyes roll even when I type)

I wouldn't call it triggering or anything but it annoys the heck out of me that the word 'party' has become a euphemism for 'getting drunk or stoned.' If you're proud of getting drunk or stoned, why not say that's what you intend to do?

Cookie314

I had an excellent "5th" of July, since no one came over on Sunday, and spent the day with my sister and her fiance, watching YouTube on the couch, my cat on my lap, eating macaroni and cheese. It was bliss. Parties suck, and there's no need to feel shame for not enjoying them. Sitting back with your cat, alone or with friends, is an ideal party.

LovelyKaya33333

I couldn't agree more... you basically described my 4th of July...but without my sister... but with the Mac and Cheese No joke I love Mac and Cheese it is my comfort food for sure ....

Cookie314

That's because it's very hard to go wrong with cheese and pasta (and bacon in our case). I get feeling the pressure to go to parties and stuff, I used to try to push myself to go out. Eventually I realized it's just not worth it to me. Nothing wrong with parties for the people who enjoy them, and the can still be fun with close friends and family, but they just don't hold a candle to macaroni and movies.

AliLong

I've been working on getting over the Q, past him and the past months (Jan was whopping bad for me and Feb). we were no contact but then in contact with him right before this years 4th... after months of silence. He wanted to ramp things up, probably lies, I was so so, but then he bailed and went silent. We don't live together never did, hes in another state too.

So my kids left for the 4th. Im in my 40s. I had my fun party days back when, for sure. So yes, even in 40s, its party weekend, booze and all.. yes,, wild days in my memory, always pressured to live it up!... but NOW, as all of this compounded this year and I'm in therapy working on my own childhood, I decided I will do what I want. Guess what I did.

Denied the yearly camping, get drunk adult weekend. Didn't go..
walked to neighbors, who were partying. Dropped food for them, said hello, slipped back home. Watched TV, napped.
I ran that weekend, rode my bike, just enjoyed my quiet time, didn't care to harp about the X Q drama at all, kids gone, no stress. But I too have issues with "I'm boring" and feeling lame...my young years were, well, New Orleans type of partying. So, the weekend I kept telling myself, this is WHO I AM. When my kids leave me, this is who I am! What I choose to gravitate towards is WHO I AM. I tend to lounge. Clean some. Run, jog. Maybe yoga. Go grab a take out and bring it back. I love that! It's no drama. Its lovely.

So, moral of the story, this is who YOU are. There is a tug of jealousy, that maybe "they" are more fun!?! "They" can handle it, I guess, but I can't??

What it is, really, is that I want that man who loves the low key life, doesn't need that stimulation or out and about, center of attention stuff. Thats solid, that's security to me. And hes out there!
(I too surfed in Hawaii, I used to surf allllll day and go back in evening!!! You got it, didn't drink, never wanted to feel hungover so I could be good for the water!.)

Being secure enough to enjoy hanging out alone or with a few others, and talking to others, enjoying what they say and company of others..as a real friend and person is WAY better than an insecure drunk.