Why am I not even an option??!!
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
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Why am I not even an option??!!
So…me and my OH got together 16 months ago, basically not long after I ended my marriage of 15 years. We have known each other for 21 years and always had that spark ⚡️ connection. I fell hard for this man and he told me from the beginning that he is an alcoholic and had been sober for 8 months. Joined the gym got fit and our relationship was amazing. Then he started drinking again and fast forward 7 months and he isn’t even the same man. He lies all the time. He was always so open when he would have a “blip” and start drinking and I have told him I will support him always. Our relationship upset a lot of people and when he made our relationship public on Xmas eve and all hell broke loose. He hasn’t been sober for more than a week since. I promised him that when he outed us as a couple I will always be there for him no matter what, and now I feel torn. He lost most of his family due to us- but it’s not ok for him to treat me the way he does. I know it’s the alcohol and when he is sober he is the nicest funniest guy but when he drinks he is the most selfish uncaring man I have ever met. I am always the first casualty when he drinks, even though I’m the only one who truly has his back. I never know what version of him I’m going to get from day to day and it’s breaking my heart. I know I should just walk away and leave him to deal with his demons and addiction but I made this man a promise and I could never live with myself if I broke it. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have absolutely no-one to talk to as I feel for some strange reason this is my secret to carry. I’m there for him but have no-one to turn to myself. He cancels our nights together which aren’t very often due to our work routines with stupid excuses and it hurts, but he just doesn’t care. I don’t ask anything from this man apart from his time honesty and loyalty and I don’t get any but yet I still love this man. What do I do. He is literally breaking my heart over and over every single day.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
This may be as good as it gets—alcoholism is progressive. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Were you fully aware of what was going to happen when you made this promise? It doesn’t give him license to treat you like a doormat—there is a reason his other loved ones have stepped back.
You can’t save him from his choice to drink, but you can destroy yourself trying to—please take care of you
You can’t save him from his choice to drink, but you can destroy yourself trying to—please take care of you
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
This is the man he is today.
Hon, if loving someone made him or her choose sobriety, none of us would be here.
I don't have any idea, and you haven't told us why his family is against the relationship, but I guess on some level it doesn't matter. Do you feel you have to stand by him because you are the reason he's estranged from his family? Nope, not if he's decided to treat you poorly. Families that are stable and functional don't act like that. My sister brought home plenty of guys one or some or ALL of us didn't like. We sucked it up and hoped she'd see the light and she did. His family didn't become mean and petty because you came into the picture. They were like that anyway.
Nobody should be held to a promise made when they were not in full possession of the facts.Yes, you can live with yourself if you leave an abusive relationship. In fact, your odds of staying happy and healthy are greater the sooner you leave one. I know the feeling - it seems disloyal to trash him - he has a disease and he can't help it. But forums like this and Al-anon are places you can vent and hear the experiences of others. But remember, he's not two people. He's an alcoholic and that will never change. Usually it gets worse.
Hon, if loving someone made him or her choose sobriety, none of us would be here.
I don't have any idea, and you haven't told us why his family is against the relationship, but I guess on some level it doesn't matter. Do you feel you have to stand by him because you are the reason he's estranged from his family? Nope, not if he's decided to treat you poorly. Families that are stable and functional don't act like that. My sister brought home plenty of guys one or some or ALL of us didn't like. We sucked it up and hoped she'd see the light and she did. His family didn't become mean and petty because you came into the picture. They were like that anyway.
Nobody should be held to a promise made when they were not in full possession of the facts.Yes, you can live with yourself if you leave an abusive relationship. In fact, your odds of staying happy and healthy are greater the sooner you leave one. I know the feeling - it seems disloyal to trash him - he has a disease and he can't help it. But forums like this and Al-anon are places you can vent and hear the experiences of others. But remember, he's not two people. He's an alcoholic and that will never change. Usually it gets worse.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Re3.....it sounds like you made an invalid verbal contract----based on falsehoods and omission of facts. That makes your promise nonbinding due to an invalid contract.
I am not a lawyer---but, even Lassie could see through this.....lol.
Here is a Universal Truth----"When one gives of themselves, there is never any guarantee that it will be returned in kind"
I am not a lawyer---but, even Lassie could see through this.....lol.
Here is a Universal Truth----"When one gives of themselves, there is never any guarantee that it will be returned in kind"
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Re3sy 
I know I should just walk away and leave him to deal with his demons and addiction but I made this man a promise and I could never live with myself if I broke it
So what you have is an abusive relationship with this man and it's hurting your terribly, but you are choosing to stay.
Is the promise an excuse to hang on, hoping that the "great" guy will come back? If so, I get it, you want him back. Problem is, he is not that guy anymore, he is an active alcoholic and really what he is now. You can choose that relationship if you want to, but he will continue to hurt you.
What do you want for yourself?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Oh in answer to your question -
"Why am I not even an option"??!!
An alcoholic's focus is alcohol, plain and simple. When he's not drinking he wants to be drinking when he is drinking he is checking to make sure there is enough to drink when he is going out, he wants to make sure there will be alcohol.
This is all the time, all day, everyday. That leaves little time for "normal" things, like a good relationship, going places, doing things. Emotion, caring about others, honesty.
It is before you, before his family, before his children (if he has any) before all, including himself.
It's not you, it's him.
"Why am I not even an option"??!!
An alcoholic's focus is alcohol, plain and simple. When he's not drinking he wants to be drinking when he is drinking he is checking to make sure there is enough to drink when he is going out, he wants to make sure there will be alcohol.
This is all the time, all day, everyday. That leaves little time for "normal" things, like a good relationship, going places, doing things. Emotion, caring about others, honesty.
It is before you, before his family, before his children (if he has any) before all, including himself.
It's not you, it's him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I urge you to think of yourself and your wellbeing. His alcoholism will get worse.
You say you know you should walk away, you are right.
He is going to do what he is going to do. If you stay, he will drag you down with him.
You say you know you should walk away, you are right.
He is going to do what he is going to do. If you stay, he will drag you down with him.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Hi. I just wanted to reply as I've recently walked away from someone who was an alcoholic. He has not turned back to drink. He's been sober for a year. But in all honesty he's no better for being sober. I met him just after be quit the booze. he was open. Seemed to have a good plan for the future. He was working full time on construction. Paying his own bills. Had got himself a dog. Seemed ok. Although I knew he suffered with depression and overtime noticed bits that didn't quite fit or add up.
Our relationship was great at first. I saw a good future ahead. I wanted us to work. But he changed. Like you I never knew what he was going to be like from one day to the next. He was high and low. Up and down. Moody. Complicated. But I loved him and wanting to make it work I tried to be what he needed.
The problem was I wasn't enough. He hadn't dealt with his past at all. His ex girlfriend was still important to him. She was in his life as a friend but it was clearly much more to do with one or both not being able to let go in a healthy way.
He was still not making amends with his family. He had nothing to do with his dad, brother or one of his adult children who now has a child.
He was moody. Lied all the time. Was really bad with sleep. On and off taking pain killers. He also was unable to keep his eyes to himself. Women were some sort of huge ego boost to him and he couldn't stop looking about. He lost his last girlfriend to this behaviour and yet he still can't stop. He's sneaky and flirtatious and it's just a horrible situation to be in.
I ended up trying to make him happy and made myself unhappy in the process. I loved him and was very attracted to him. Yet on the other hand I knew he was bad. I knew he was selfish. I battled with myself for a while. Hoping the old him would come back. Hoping he would fall out with his ex and she would go for good. Hoping he would start saving his money and discussing the future. That he would stop looking at other women online. Stop putting me down. Stop changing his attitude towards me. It went on and on.
He borrowed money. I helped him with shopping etc. I helped him set accounts up. I sent him presents. Yes he sent me stuff too. He also paid me back. But despite my help he disrespected me over and over. He punished me with silent treatment. He lied. He comes and goes. Although 3.5 weeks ago I blocked him and I'm moving on now. He even told his latest woman that I was just a girl he told to f off that he was talking too. That's all I was to him.to save himself for looking like the man he really was he made out I was a pain!!
It just isnt a life is it? I realised I was getting nothing from him. Looking at him I see he has nothing to show for his life.
I'm not over it. I still struggle with what he put me through. But I know I have to stay on track and never go back to him now. Because I want to be normal. I want to have a fairly stress free life. I want to be happy. I want to sleep at night. I want to be able to rely on a partner and make plans happen.
You are trying to rescue.
You are putting him before yourself.
It's so hard but I think you need to walk away. He won't change because he can't. Believe me I know how hard that is. But over the years this will become too much and you will always feel like you do now x
Our relationship was great at first. I saw a good future ahead. I wanted us to work. But he changed. Like you I never knew what he was going to be like from one day to the next. He was high and low. Up and down. Moody. Complicated. But I loved him and wanting to make it work I tried to be what he needed.
The problem was I wasn't enough. He hadn't dealt with his past at all. His ex girlfriend was still important to him. She was in his life as a friend but it was clearly much more to do with one or both not being able to let go in a healthy way.
He was still not making amends with his family. He had nothing to do with his dad, brother or one of his adult children who now has a child.
He was moody. Lied all the time. Was really bad with sleep. On and off taking pain killers. He also was unable to keep his eyes to himself. Women were some sort of huge ego boost to him and he couldn't stop looking about. He lost his last girlfriend to this behaviour and yet he still can't stop. He's sneaky and flirtatious and it's just a horrible situation to be in.
I ended up trying to make him happy and made myself unhappy in the process. I loved him and was very attracted to him. Yet on the other hand I knew he was bad. I knew he was selfish. I battled with myself for a while. Hoping the old him would come back. Hoping he would fall out with his ex and she would go for good. Hoping he would start saving his money and discussing the future. That he would stop looking at other women online. Stop putting me down. Stop changing his attitude towards me. It went on and on.
He borrowed money. I helped him with shopping etc. I helped him set accounts up. I sent him presents. Yes he sent me stuff too. He also paid me back. But despite my help he disrespected me over and over. He punished me with silent treatment. He lied. He comes and goes. Although 3.5 weeks ago I blocked him and I'm moving on now. He even told his latest woman that I was just a girl he told to f off that he was talking too. That's all I was to him.to save himself for looking like the man he really was he made out I was a pain!!
It just isnt a life is it? I realised I was getting nothing from him. Looking at him I see he has nothing to show for his life.
I'm not over it. I still struggle with what he put me through. But I know I have to stay on track and never go back to him now. Because I want to be normal. I want to have a fairly stress free life. I want to be happy. I want to sleep at night. I want to be able to rely on a partner and make plans happen.
You are trying to rescue.
You are putting him before yourself.
It's so hard but I think you need to walk away. He won't change because he can't. Believe me I know how hard that is. But over the years this will become too much and you will always feel like you do now x
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There is a saying out there, "Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."
According to the title of your post? You are questioning whether you are even that.
If your best friend told you someone was "breaking (their) heart every single day" but that they felt obligated to stay because of a promise, would you shrug and say, oh well, too bad you're completely miserable because you promised?
I know you are looking for reasons not to go, but we get one precious life. Just one. You deserve better than what you are settling for.
According to the title of your post? You are questioning whether you are even that.
If your best friend told you someone was "breaking (their) heart every single day" but that they felt obligated to stay because of a promise, would you shrug and say, oh well, too bad you're completely miserable because you promised?
I know you are looking for reasons not to go, but we get one precious life. Just one. You deserve better than what you are settling for.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Have you considered that leaving this relationship might actually be the best way to fulfill your promise? When you promise to be there for someone, to love and support them, sometimes following through on that promise means doing difficult things. It's like being on an airplane, and you're told to put your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else with theirs. Leaving, and securing your own health and well being is putting your oxygen mask on.
Ask yourself this: what has staying there with him this whole time accomplished? Has it succeeded in stopping him from drinking? If staying this whole time in this pattern has not worked so far, at what point will it start working? Maybe it's time for something different.
Alcoholism is so insidious. It twists your loved one until you can't even recognize them anymore. My AH slowly changed from one of the most loving people I know, into someone who intentionally ridiculed and belittled me every time he drank. My love for him, my refusal to let go of my promise to stay and support him kept me with him through getting a house together and everything. Yet my love and support wasn't enough to stop him from drinking. I kept trying until the day it finally sank in that I truly can't control him. If he is going to recover, he must want it, and commit to it entirely on his own.
You aren't going to save your partner, he must save himself. The only person you can save is yourself. By leaving, you remove yourself as an object to blame, and free him to focus on himself entirely. Giving him that space to succeed or fail on his own merit is how you keep that promise to support him. He must prove to you, and to himself, that he can do that.
Ask yourself this: what has staying there with him this whole time accomplished? Has it succeeded in stopping him from drinking? If staying this whole time in this pattern has not worked so far, at what point will it start working? Maybe it's time for something different.
Alcoholism is so insidious. It twists your loved one until you can't even recognize them anymore. My AH slowly changed from one of the most loving people I know, into someone who intentionally ridiculed and belittled me every time he drank. My love for him, my refusal to let go of my promise to stay and support him kept me with him through getting a house together and everything. Yet my love and support wasn't enough to stop him from drinking. I kept trying until the day it finally sank in that I truly can't control him. If he is going to recover, he must want it, and commit to it entirely on his own.
You aren't going to save your partner, he must save himself. The only person you can save is yourself. By leaving, you remove yourself as an object to blame, and free him to focus on himself entirely. Giving him that space to succeed or fail on his own merit is how you keep that promise to support him. He must prove to you, and to himself, that he can do that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Here is what I would learn from this. For the record, I did learn this in the School of Hard Knocks. There are a lot of lessons to be learned in adversity.
I am not capable of unconditional love, except for with my animals. I'm just not. (I'm not a parent.) Or maybe more to the point, I can love you from a distance. I can want the best for you and support your good actions, but I don't have to be in a romantic relationship with you. As long as you are in self-destruct mode, I will step away.
I am not capable of unconditional love, except for with my animals. I'm just not. (I'm not a parent.) Or maybe more to the point, I can love you from a distance. I can want the best for you and support your good actions, but I don't have to be in a romantic relationship with you. As long as you are in self-destruct mode, I will step away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
Posts: 12
Hey
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
What did he promise you?
A promise shouldn’t be a life sentence for a crime you never committed.
A promise shouldn’t be a life sentence for a crime you never committed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Uk
Posts: 12
Uummm….
Originally Posted by velma929
This is the man he is today.
Hon, if loving someone made him or her choose sobriety, none of us would be here.
I don't have any idea, and you haven't told us why his family is against the relationship, but I guess on some level it doesn't matter. Do you feel you have to stand by him because you are the reason he's estranged from his family? Nope, not if he's decided to treat you poorly. Families that are stable and functional don't act like that. My sister brought home plenty of guys one or some or ALL of us didn't like. We sucked it up and hoped she'd see the light and she did. His family didn't become mean and petty because you came into the picture. They were like that anyway.
Nobody should be held to a promise made when they were not in full possession of the facts.Yes, you can live with yourself if you leave an abusive relationship. In fact, your odds of staying happy and healthy are greater the sooner you leave one. I know the feeling - it seems disloyal to trash him - he has a disease and he can't help it. But forums like this and Al-anon are places you can vent and hear the experiences of others. But remember, he's not two people. He's an alcoholic and that will never change. Usually it gets worse.
Hon, if loving someone made him or her choose sobriety, none of us would be here.
I don't have any idea, and you haven't told us why his family is against the relationship, but I guess on some level it doesn't matter. Do you feel you have to stand by him because you are the reason he's estranged from his family? Nope, not if he's decided to treat you poorly. Families that are stable and functional don't act like that. My sister brought home plenty of guys one or some or ALL of us didn't like. We sucked it up and hoped she'd see the light and she did. His family didn't become mean and petty because you came into the picture. They were like that anyway.
Nobody should be held to a promise made when they were not in full possession of the facts.Yes, you can live with yourself if you leave an abusive relationship. In fact, your odds of staying happy and healthy are greater the sooner you leave one. I know the feeling - it seems disloyal to trash him - he has a disease and he can't help it. But forums like this and Al-anon are places you can vent and hear the experiences of others. But remember, he's not two people. He's an alcoholic and that will never change. Usually it gets worse.
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,375
So now I just feel like karma has caught up with me for finishing with my mentally abusice and controlling ex.
You are not to blame for the behaviour of others.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Re3sy,
So he was sober when you made that promise to stand by him. You did stand by him when he announced that you guys were a couple. It doesn't mean you need to continue to stand by him with the way he is acting and treating you. Im sure that promise didn't include that you would stand by him if he continued to drink and treat you terribly. You are not to blame for his drinking. Only he has control over that. You only have yourself that you need to look after. You come first. It's also not karma catching up to you. You left an abusive and controlling ex to what you thought was a safe and sober man. You thought he was on the road to a better life. His action has shown you that he has not done the work to better himself. As long as he continues to drink it will only get worse. You will only see glimpse of that sweet man you meet and always wonder is today going to be a good day or a bad day. That is no way to live. I hope you do something that brings you happiness and relieves of this heartache at least for a little while. You are strong and can make it through this.
So he was sober when you made that promise to stand by him. You did stand by him when he announced that you guys were a couple. It doesn't mean you need to continue to stand by him with the way he is acting and treating you. Im sure that promise didn't include that you would stand by him if he continued to drink and treat you terribly. You are not to blame for his drinking. Only he has control over that. You only have yourself that you need to look after. You come first. It's also not karma catching up to you. You left an abusive and controlling ex to what you thought was a safe and sober man. You thought he was on the road to a better life. His action has shown you that he has not done the work to better himself. As long as he continues to drink it will only get worse. You will only see glimpse of that sweet man you meet and always wonder is today going to be a good day or a bad day. That is no way to live. I hope you do something that brings you happiness and relieves of this heartache at least for a little while. You are strong and can make it through this.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I’ve made my bed and I feel like I’m forced to lay in it.
He lies and breaks promises on a daily basis. ...when he drinks he is the most selfish uncaring man I have ever met.
Stand up for yourself. You deserve better than this guy. He'll be fine; alcoholics are very resourceful.
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
From what you've said he is aware of the fact that he's an alcoholic so there shouldn't be any denial there. I would try and catch him when he's somewhat sober and sit down and have a talk with him about him getting back on track. If after that he doesn't concede then give him ultimatum. He's not foreign to the idea of abstinence.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Re3sy
Ok so he used to be very close with my ex husband and my ex looked up to him. But like I said since the day we met there was this pull between us. Nothing ever happened between us whilst I was married. And he has been sober 8 months when we got together. So when he told people close to him about us he asked me if I would stand by him when he does as it’s gonna blow up so so so bad - which it did. So now I just feel like karma has caught up with me for finishing with my mentally abusice and controlling ex. I’ve made my bed and I feel like I’m forced to lay in it. So he was sober when he outed us and I knew from the very beginning he was an alcoholic so I’ve only myself to blame I suppose xx
In your post above you are moving control and power for your life on to other things. A promise you made, the fallout from other people knowing, leaving your abusive ex husband, karma.
You have control now. You can decide what you want for your life. A life with another abuser or a life of safety, contentment and happiness. You know what you know about him now and you can take that information and decide.
I know what you mean by reaching that breaking point, sure it might be a little less painful to leave in the short term, but how many more months will you have to ride this horrendous roller coaster.
You will decide what you will do, I just hope you realize it's all up to you to do the next right thing for yourself, to look out for yourself.
There is a book that is recommended around here more often than any other - Codependent no more. I think you might find it helpful. It gives a lot of information about boundaries and relationships.
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