Freshstart1111

I am an adult child of an alcoholic father who quit drinking when my mother was pregnant with me and a mother who I’ve come to recent realize is a covert narcissist (as a result of a difficult upbringing with her alcoholic father). After my 23 year marriage to an alcoholic narcissist ended, I have been working on what my issues are (why I stayed in the marriage, why I ignore red flags, etc). Just as I was starting to understand my mothers narcissism and self-centeredness and lack of empathy and how it affected how I have lived my life, I figured out she has dementia and was diagnosed last month with an inoperable critical heart blockage that could cause a fatal heart attack at any time or she could progress through heart failure over the next months to a year.
I had decided when the dementia was determined that I would try to take her places - day or weekend trips - to see some places and to see my kids. Then she was very ill in May due to her heart I was staying with her.
For the last two weeks she has been feeling good. Less shortness of breath so less need for me to take care of her.
But I feel guilty when I’m not going over and seeing her every day. I feel bad that it feels like an obligation. I feel bad that I had it in my head that she didn’t have long to live and now she is doing well and i should feel glad about it and I don’t.
I had really started to distance myself from her before all of this. To protect mental health. My ex husband was an alcoholic narcissist and I realized my mothers narcissistic ways when figuring out his. I grey rocked him and was doing that with her as well. Minimizing interactions for my mental health.
Then all of her medical issues hit. And I am the only child. So it’s all on me. And I can empathize with her when she’s physically sick. Or when I see the signs of dementia. But I can’t get past the physical numbness and lack of feeling anything good when I’m around her. And I feel guilty about those feelings. But I know I shouldn’t. I am doing all that I can for her - managing meds, being there when she’s sick, driving her places, setting up hospice, calling her every day if I don’t go see her (but god forbid for the last 30 years that she called me first…and when I did call I’d get the “nice to hear from you” sarcasm). She’s played the victim forever. And now when I finally understand what she’s been doing to me for all these years, she’s now has end stage heart failure and really is the “victim” and I resent being the only one she has to take care of her. And that is so awful to say. But it’s how I feel.
not sure if this is the right forum for this post but I follow and post in the Friends and Family section and get great information. So thought I’d post my other dysfunctional issue here to see if anyone can relate. Thanks

EveningRose

Hi, it looks like activity has really slowed down on this forum. That's a shame.

Your story sounds so much like mine. AF, Narcissist mother, married 23 years to a narcissist. My parents are old enough I'll be facing the dying soon. However, I have two siblings who are on great terms with them.

I think that if you're stepping up to the plate to help her, you need not feel guilty about lack of the 'proper' emotion. I never formally cut ties with my mother. I just had enough of her unpleasantness one day, waved good-bye and didn't call again. (She never called me either but you know how the story is told....) I've never felt any guilt. I gave her chance after chance. I thought if I changed something she'd change. She didn't. She kept being ugly and unpleasant and telling me I deserve it if people are unkind to me. I'm sure you have a thousand and more stories of the things your mother has done. We would never feel that we must have positive emotions about anyone else who treats us terribly.

So recognize that you're doing the honorable thing in helping her. Don't beat yourself up over emotions that are quite natural in this case.

alphaomega

Hello FreshStart

There is an online place regarding all things narcissist that held my hand through the worst of my mothers narcissim, if you would like info on that please PM me and I will gladly offer you what gave me tremendous help.

MikeH

Hello Fresh Start:

I'm a guy, with 8 siblings, but, otherwise, my situation is somewhat the same as yours. However, both of my parents have passed away.

I agree with Evening Rose, but I did cut all ties with my mother several years before her death. She used the "guilt trip" attitude throughout her life, and it wasn't easy to walk away. In your case, being an only child makes your situation very difficult. I think you are doing the right thing... You might want to think about, after each time you interact with her, or help her with her meds, etc., of stopping and taking a deep breath, then go on with your day. I know it's easier said than done... :-)

Cleez

Hi! I can really relate to your feelings of obligation. I feel the same with my alcoholic dad and I am also an only child. He is also alone.
I think these feelings are part of unhealthy attachment patterns in childhood too where we felt responsible for the parent as opposed to feeling the parent was responsible for us.
She is lucky that your are even there and supporting her. You don’t have to be even though she is your mother. You are choosing to, and your actions are honorable yet it would be okay too if you felt you couldn’t given who she is and what you have experienced.