Contemplating leaving him
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Contemplating leaving him
Hi everyone. My boyfriend has relapsed again. When this happened last month, I secured an apartment but then gave it up, having faith he would stick to his promise this time. It's been pure hell enduring his benders. They occur about once a month and they are very scary and destructive. He went to jail in May for drunk and disorderly.
I just checked and the apartment is still available. I'm feeling so many conflicting feelings. Mostly, I'm afraid to be alone. Deep down, I know I will be better off, but every time I think of leaving him, an anxiety attack strikes and paralyzes me. I just need to find the courage within myself.
Thanks for reading.
I just checked and the apartment is still available. I'm feeling so many conflicting feelings. Mostly, I'm afraid to be alone. Deep down, I know I will be better off, but every time I think of leaving him, an anxiety attack strikes and paralyzes me. I just need to find the courage within myself.
Thanks for reading.
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Stay strong...listen to your instincts and take that apartment. I stayed away from my alcoholic for 1 year while he worked on his recovery. And then I dated him for 2 more before I would live with him. Leave him to it...you don't need to live like that.
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Thanks Caramel and seekingcalm. I'm crying right now from reading your responses. I know what I have to do. It's just so hard.
He's currently in the other room drunk as hell so I can't talk to him yet.
For others who have left their alcoholic partners, how did you muster the courage and resolve to do it?
He's currently in the other room drunk as hell so I can't talk to him yet.
For others who have left their alcoholic partners, how did you muster the courage and resolve to do it?
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LeanaBeana, maybe try not to do THE WHOLE BIG THING at once? Plenty of people are together but don’t live in the same place. Maybe if you view taking this apartment as a way to try on living without so much chaos and drama, a vacation from all that, it won’t seem so daunting?
You need space to clear your head and you can’t do that waiting for a raging drunk to leap out at you at any moment. It’s not good for your mental or physical health to live like this.
Small steps. The fact that an apartment is still available this crazy summer is a sign, if anything. Take it. The rest will come into focus in time, yes?
You need space to clear your head and you can’t do that waiting for a raging drunk to leap out at you at any moment. It’s not good for your mental or physical health to live like this.
Small steps. The fact that an apartment is still available this crazy summer is a sign, if anything. Take it. The rest will come into focus in time, yes?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
LeanaBeana, maybe try not to do THE WHOLE BIG THING at once? Plenty of people are together but don’t live in the same place. Maybe if you view taking this apartment as a way to try on living without so much chaos and drama, a vacation from all that, it won’t seem so daunting?
You need space to clear your head and you can’t do that waiting for a raging drunk to leap out at you at any moment. It’s not good for your mental or physical health to live like this.
Small steps. The fact that an apartment is still available this crazy summer is a sign, if anything. Take it. The rest will come into focus in time, yes?
You need space to clear your head and you can’t do that waiting for a raging drunk to leap out at you at any moment. It’s not good for your mental or physical health to live like this.
Small steps. The fact that an apartment is still available this crazy summer is a sign, if anything. Take it. The rest will come into focus in time, yes?
But the positives do really outweigh the cons, and I hold onto those when I think I’m losing my mind lol.
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I had to watch out for my safety.
my spidey sense told me to be careful. Good advice on doing it in stages.
DONT talk to him until he is sober. Do it in a public place, like a coffee shop.
Even though he was bad for me—I cried also. Just remember—even cocaine addicts miss cocaine, and abused women miss their abuser. It’s normal, they aren’t dumb.
Our brain perceives ANY loss, even if it is good for us, as a loss. You need to understand that so that you can take care of you. You are strong and you need to take care of you because no one else is going to. I am praying for you.
I do not regret ever believing that alcoholic man ever. We dated for 3 1/2 years and almost live together. Everyone around me knew he was abusive and I just turned a blind eye because I just didn’t want the pain of breaking up. Wish I would’ve done it a lot sooner.
my spidey sense told me to be careful. Good advice on doing it in stages.
DONT talk to him until he is sober. Do it in a public place, like a coffee shop.
Even though he was bad for me—I cried also. Just remember—even cocaine addicts miss cocaine, and abused women miss their abuser. It’s normal, they aren’t dumb.
Our brain perceives ANY loss, even if it is good for us, as a loss. You need to understand that so that you can take care of you. You are strong and you need to take care of you because no one else is going to. I am praying for you.
I do not regret ever believing that alcoholic man ever. We dated for 3 1/2 years and almost live together. Everyone around me knew he was abusive and I just turned a blind eye because I just didn’t want the pain of breaking up. Wish I would’ve done it a lot sooner.
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I'd listen to your gut in this case. The fact that he's already gone to jail for his actions while drunk, and the main descriptors of his binges are "scary and destructive" is a clear sign that you are not safe around him.
When you have those anxiety attacks about leaving him, are you able to tell what exactly you are anxious about? Like the fear of repercussions from him for leaving, or of loneliness, or how difficult the act of moving itself would be, etc? Pinpointing exactly what makes you feel anxious and unsafe might help you to create a plan to counter it. If it's your safety, then reaching out to the police and court system for protection orders and assistance with moving is a good start. If it's loneliness, contacting your support network, reaching out on social media, talking to a counselor, playing games (in person or online) with friends, or calling up your family are all good ways to stay connected.
You can also try reaching out to a doctor or psychiatrist if you feel your anxiety is strong enough to benefit from medication.
Leaving someone is never easy, and relationships with addicts and abusers only complicate tons further. Focus on the day to day, and making plans to protect your safety.
When you have those anxiety attacks about leaving him, are you able to tell what exactly you are anxious about? Like the fear of repercussions from him for leaving, or of loneliness, or how difficult the act of moving itself would be, etc? Pinpointing exactly what makes you feel anxious and unsafe might help you to create a plan to counter it. If it's your safety, then reaching out to the police and court system for protection orders and assistance with moving is a good start. If it's loneliness, contacting your support network, reaching out on social media, talking to a counselor, playing games (in person or online) with friends, or calling up your family are all good ways to stay connected.
You can also try reaching out to a doctor or psychiatrist if you feel your anxiety is strong enough to benefit from medication.
Leaving someone is never easy, and relationships with addicts and abusers only complicate tons further. Focus on the day to day, and making plans to protect your safety.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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As a quick aside, if you truly feel unsafe, like he may be a threat to you physically (which from your messages it think he may be) then you may want to forgo talking to him entirely. When someone has already shown they respond to stress with violence, that is a major red flag for your safety. Do not talk to him when he's been drinking, do not let him know that you're looking at the apartment or where it is, if you have to meet him don't do it alone and keep it public, etc.
You may even want to consider getting a post office box so that any mail correspondence doesn't give away your physical address. Reach out to your friends, family, and employer about not telling anyone your address, and to let you know about anyone trying to ask about it.
I realize this sounds a little paranoid, and hopefully it is just paranoia and unnecessary precautions. But it changes things when leaving risks your physical safety, instead of "just" your mental and emotional health. I'm saying all of this because of the fact you've said he's already destructive when drunk. I definitely don't want to hype you up, or make you feel anxious and afraid. Just trust your gut, and your lizard brain. If you feel afraid, it's better to act on the side of caution in the present.
You may even want to consider getting a post office box so that any mail correspondence doesn't give away your physical address. Reach out to your friends, family, and employer about not telling anyone your address, and to let you know about anyone trying to ask about it.
I realize this sounds a little paranoid, and hopefully it is just paranoia and unnecessary precautions. But it changes things when leaving risks your physical safety, instead of "just" your mental and emotional health. I'm saying all of this because of the fact you've said he's already destructive when drunk. I definitely don't want to hype you up, or make you feel anxious and afraid. Just trust your gut, and your lizard brain. If you feel afraid, it's better to act on the side of caution in the present.
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Thanks Free2bme and Cookie. I think the anxiety is about everything you mentioned. The loneliness, the trauma of moving alone while mourning my relationship, all of it. it just feels like more than I can handle. I wasted three years on this man. I invested so much of myself. For what?
I fear more for his safety than mine. He has expressed suicidal ideation in the past and the break up will likely trigger that response. He may just be manipulating me, but it still scares me.
I fear more for his safety than mine. He has expressed suicidal ideation in the past and the break up will likely trigger that response. He may just be manipulating me, but it still scares me.
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The time spent is never really a waste. Life has no goals, no win conditions, no ultimate meaning beyond what you make of it. Theres nothing wrong with investing in another person and sharing with them. He's the one who's actions are hurtful and out of line. The sense of loss you're feeling now is normal, and totally ok. There are also positives though. He's shown you his true colors, and now you have the opportunity to take back your autonomy. You've had hard experiences that have certainly changed and helped shape you, but have also given you the chance to look deeper within yourself. There's nothing wrong with treasuring the good in the relationship, while also facing the reality of the bad and protecting yourself from it.
I understand your fear for his safety, truly I do. My AH has threatened suicide multiple times, and most recently responded to seeing me after I had left the house for a week by getting into a goddamn stand off with police for 5 hours, threatening to shoot himself, and them as well. (I wrote about it in my last post, if you're willing to read through a small book that I butter-fingered.) Thankfully they didn't find a gun, and he was taken into the hospital, and is currently in rehab, but that fear may never really leave me. Those niggling little thoughts saying maybe if I had stayed at the house, he wouldn't have reached that point. Maybe my safety really wasn't in jeopardy. Maybe I should give him another chance. Even writing about it now is making my f*cking palms sweat.
But the conclusion I finally reached, deep in my heart from this, is I truly can't control him. You'll hear people in here list the three C's, and I'm sure you'll even agree with them. But you will never forget the day the depth of that realization truly sinks in. There is nothing you can do to control him. If he really wants to take his life, nothing you do or don't do can stop him. Nothing. You are right to be afraid. It is terrifying.
But when that fear subsides, and your hands stop sweating so much you can actually use your phone again, that realization will set you free. You are free to completely focus on yourself. Your own health, your own safety. If nothing you do to help him stops him from hurting himself, then why not help yourself instead?
You are much stronger than you realize. You can absolutely do this. Accept that this is scary, and don't shame yourself for feeling afraid. Take it one day at a time, make plans to keep yourself safe, then keep moving forward.
I understand your fear for his safety, truly I do. My AH has threatened suicide multiple times, and most recently responded to seeing me after I had left the house for a week by getting into a goddamn stand off with police for 5 hours, threatening to shoot himself, and them as well. (I wrote about it in my last post, if you're willing to read through a small book that I butter-fingered.) Thankfully they didn't find a gun, and he was taken into the hospital, and is currently in rehab, but that fear may never really leave me. Those niggling little thoughts saying maybe if I had stayed at the house, he wouldn't have reached that point. Maybe my safety really wasn't in jeopardy. Maybe I should give him another chance. Even writing about it now is making my f*cking palms sweat.
But the conclusion I finally reached, deep in my heart from this, is I truly can't control him. You'll hear people in here list the three C's, and I'm sure you'll even agree with them. But you will never forget the day the depth of that realization truly sinks in. There is nothing you can do to control him. If he really wants to take his life, nothing you do or don't do can stop him. Nothing. You are right to be afraid. It is terrifying.
But when that fear subsides, and your hands stop sweating so much you can actually use your phone again, that realization will set you free. You are free to completely focus on yourself. Your own health, your own safety. If nothing you do to help him stops him from hurting himself, then why not help yourself instead?
You are much stronger than you realize. You can absolutely do this. Accept that this is scary, and don't shame yourself for feeling afraid. Take it one day at a time, make plans to keep yourself safe, then keep moving forward.
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Originally Posted by leanabeana
Thanks Free2bme and Cookie. I think the anxiety is about everything you mentioned. The loneliness, the trauma of moving alone while mourning my relationship, all of it. it just feels like more than I can handle. I wasted three years on this man. I invested so much of myself. For what?
I fear more for his safety than mine. He has expressed suicidal ideation in the past and the break up will likely trigger that response. He may just be manipulating me, but it still scares me.
I fear more for his safety than mine. He has expressed suicidal ideation in the past and the break up will likely trigger that response. He may just be manipulating me, but it still scares me.
Yes, there will be consequences for your choice but you don't know, they may be good ones, you are painting this very bad picture for yourself. Now, that can be natural, but what if it isn't all horrendous, what if you aren't lonely? What if you are happy and content alone (it's entirely possible). If you are lonely, no reason you can't make new friends if you like, join groups which are reopening now. Heck, take up a pottery class, what's the worst that could happen? Bad pottery? And a whole bunch of people who are out having fun.
I just use that as an example of course, what are your interests? Perhaps you need support, Al Anon, grief support, anxiety support, maybe a group like that as well, you might find strength there.
Just let him know you need time and space for yourself. I hope you take the apartment, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, pack up, move, unpack, then see where you are at and what you would like to do.
As for his safety, as you now know for sure, you have zero control over what he will and won't do (if you did, he wouldn't be actively using). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Oh and he's not in recovery and these aren't relapses - he's just drinking. Recovery isn't drinking every few weeks.
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Many alcoholics--me among them--faced the same fears. The fear of living a life without alcohol, without drinking. That fear can arrest any chance of recovery if we let it. Some never overcome the fear of sobriety and an alcoholic death is the end result.
You fear leaving one. But your worst fears, no matter how paralyzing, will be worse than the reality of staying.
You fear leaving one. But your worst fears, no matter how paralyzing, will be worse than the reality of staying.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
But your worst fears, no matter how paralyzing, will be worse than the reality of staying.
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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your wise words of encouragement. I've been trying to break up with him since yesterday and he's not accepting it. He got drunk again today but not quite as bad as yesterday. I fear he will never accept it and I'll have to have the cops drag him away. He made a remark about his gun. I previously asked him to put his guns in storage but I think he went and got the hand gun this morning.
I'm really worried about moving because I can't quite afford the apartment. It's a stretch. Before I saw that he was drunk again today, I was going to say we could stay together as long as he went to rehab again. He stayed sober for a year last time. Now I see that would be a foolish choice.
I'm really worried about moving because I can't quite afford the apartment. It's a stretch. Before I saw that he was drunk again today, I was going to say we could stay together as long as he went to rehab again. He stayed sober for a year last time. Now I see that would be a foolish choice.
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