LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys... Thank you to everyone that responded to my post yesterday. All of your feedback kept me sane. I wake up with intense anxiety.... how do I get through the days? I don't know what to do with all the fear and anxiety and hurt and pain in me. I feel thrown away. Sure I could have said the words to keep him here but those words would be "Drink whenever you want"... "I don't care what you do"... Basically I would have to have no basic boundaries as a wife in order to be with him. As the days go by (it has only been 2 and a half) I am seeing how abusive emotionally he was and is. The shock I feel from him packing up his stuff and leaving me in an hour with my step kids seems so cruel and just more than I can take. Sifting through this is tough. I don't feel like I can function... I am having glimpses of being ok which I am hopeful for. Unfortunately to top it off I am a wedding planner and I can't get out of my meetings today. I will not let him shake my career... He has taken enough. Thanks again guys for listening

Cookie314

You are getting through the days already. You've already made it through 2 and a half. At the end of today you'll have made it through 3. Things are going to be very chaotic and hurting for a while. That's ok. If you get a burn, the ache doesn't go away all at once. This will take time to heal, but it will heal.

For now just focus on one day, one thing at a time. Get through your meetings, then think about what to do after that when they're done. Are you hungry? Take care of that. Tired? Try taking a nap, mediating for a few minutes, or going for a walk. Worn down? Take a shower, or do something you find relaxing.

There are tons of resources out there. Al-anon has several servers on discord for example. You could search through those and find someone to chat with. If you have a counselor, set up a meeting with one. If you don't, look around for one, maybe leave them a message. The productivity and planning will feel good.

As for the anxiety, besides getting enough sleep and taking care of your physical needs, you can try reaching out to friends and family for comfort. If it's really severe or lasts a long time, you could reach out to your doctor. I personally have felt my general anxiety increase while my AH has been in rehab. I find myself waking up a lot at night, thinking I'm hearing someone outside, and often struggle to fall asleep in the first place. It helps to stick to my schedule, and remember to be fair to myself. Everyone processes these feelings differently. Remember that feeling hurt and stressed right now is normal and ok, there's nothing wrong with you. You will process your grief with time. Everyone in these forums are happy to reply. The anxiety and hurt will get better. In the mean time, just focus on the little victories you have every day.

aasharon90

Thank you for sharing as I do understand.

Addiction affects all those we have around us.

As a stay at home mom and wife back in 1990, the year
I entered recovery and have been sober ever since. During
that time, yes, i had responsibilities to be held accountable
for, and yet, I always found time to drink my poison of choice.

Like many, I did enjoy my poison, but didnt enjoy what it
was doing to my heart, mind and soul. This toxic poison
was running rapid thru me and I didn't completely understand
why.

It took family to place me into the hands of those capable
and knowledgeable about addiction and recovery to teach
me about it and how it was affecting me in all areas of my
life.

At the time of my intervention, i was angry at my family
for interrupting my life with my alcohol. However, with
the knowledge taught to me, i learned to be forever grateful
for that interruption in my life.

I spent 28 days in a rehab facility while my family
was well taken care of. Going on with life and daily
activities without me.

I thought once i would be gone for a month, my little
family would fall apart because i was the one to take
care of them. At that moment i had no choice but to
let things at home happen as it should, while I take
care of me to get better so that I could return to them.

During those 28 days, this place was my safe haven
away from alcohol and lifes issues. While the poison
was leaving my body, the fog clearing from my mind,
i became teachable to learn about what alcohol or
drug addiction does to people inside and out.

I took those 28 days keeping and open mind to this
new process of learning to live my life without alcohol
one day at a time incorporating helpful tools to cope
and accept many of lifes obsticals we face on a daily
bases.

When i finally returned home, i still had a 6 week
outpatient program to finish before completing a
court order. From there, and after my husband told
me, if i ever pick up a drink of alcohol again in the
house, then i would be gone. Out of my home.

Well, i used that to my own advantage as, how dare
you tell me what to do, and proceeded to emerse myself
in my recovery program and meetings.

As i reflect on that time in my life and read where
you are in yours, taking time out for you to get better
and get healthy and free from your addiction while
letting someone take over your duties with wedding
planner, maybe a blessing for you.

For however long you need to be free from your
addiction, you can return to your job healthier, stronger,
wiser, more knowledgeable about addiction and recovery
than ever before.

Many folks can't leave a job, but there are also
bosses or companies that understand and will
allow folks to go take care of themselves for their
families and jobs.

For the 28 days, which to me seemed like a
lifetime, yet, for just those days, my life was
restored with continued recovery maintenance
for 30 yrs sober now.

Just something to think about and put into action
to become the best, healthiest person you can be
in the long run.

Recovery gave me my life back and it can be for you too.

LovelyKaya33333

Hi Sharon This is a beautiful story. I am however sober. I have never done a drug in my life and only drink on occasion. I am happy for your sobriety though. I understand that in a sense I have become addicted to him but a huge step of that was choosing myself. Part of the reason he packed up and left was because I was clear that unless he was sober I couldn't be with him. He chose to try for a whole 10 days then decided he chose alcohol over our marriage. I am grieving the pain of loss and most importantly the sudden loss. The cruelty and checked out look in his eyes as I begged for him to stay just one more night so that I could get a grip on what was happening. This wouldn't have been the first time he has done this type of behavior. It is just the first time I am going to let him go. He has been blocked within 5 minutes of leaving our home. It has been less than 72 hours and my mind feels like it is racing. I don't know how to get through the nausea in my stomach. Yesterday on my way home my natural first thought was "Oh I wonder when (husband) will be home. And it hit me oh yea he is gone .... it is like I am in a state of shock....

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you Cookie I do see a therapist. I have an appointment with him Thursday. I also do personal training (work out) ... I let my trainer who I am close to know what was going on and that due to lack of sleep it will be a few days until I can meet...I am hoping for tomorrow. I am very blessed to have a fairly large group of friends that are comfortable with talking about emotions. I am also close to my sister, my step mom and father. Everyone is in the loop. Within 30 minutes of him leaving I had 2 friends over. They helped me change the locks on the house and clean out 7 trash bags full of his stuff and garbage he left behind for me to sift through. I own my own company and have several employees that rely on me so taking a break just isn't in the cards for me right now especially since COVID demoslished the wedding industry and we are now busier than ever making up for lost time. Last night I met up with a friend of mine who just lost his wife to an overdose and before that they were still living in the same home but had decided to get a divorce and were seperated so it was good for him he said to talk with me and good for me to chat with him. I find that only people that have been in a relationship with an addict tend to understand the confusion of the aftermath of them leaving your life. I tried to look at it as a blessing yesterday... I don't think I would have ever been able to leave him. That being said the devestation of sifting through a marraige and 7 years of a relationship is more than too much to handle it feels like. I guess this is just pain? It is also so hard because he just left...just vanished... didn't even give me the respect to process what the f*** was going on. Like I wasn't even human. This wasn't the first time he pulled something like this...it was about the 5th time. Where out of the blue he just said "I am not happy and you aren't and it is just done... and then would say very creepily calm..."We tried"...WTF no we didn't... He never went to one meeting, never went to therapy, stopped drinking for all of 10 days and refused marriage therapy"...In what mother fing world is that trying?!!!! My best friend who got close to him in the course of our marrige reached out to him and said what he did was actually nuts and that she is genuinly concerned for his mental health....

aasharon90

LovelyKaya

I jumped to quickly in reading your post, so I reread
it and now i see where i went wrong.

Continue to take care of you because you are worth
it. Addiction does affect all those around it and believe
you can get thru this to become strong in all areas of your
life.

Cookie314

Kaya, when he says stuff like "we tried" and "we did this" etc then follows it with saying it failed, that's just deflecting blame to you. There's no arguing against it, since it's just a good way for him to say "oh well I was being reasonable and saying we both needed to work on something, but she's just trying to put all the blame on me!" When you call him out on it. Definitely don't take the bait. You will never win an argument with an addict, they don't play fair.

I also think it's a blessing he left you, but it was done in a sh*tty manipulative way. I also wouldn't be surprised if he shows up again suddenly in some fashion either. Trying to reach you through your mutual acquaintances, or public contacts through your jobs, or manipulating you through your step kids. Move forward from him as best as you can, and keep in contact with your support network about helping you through this, and insulating you from his bullsh*t. You've got this.

trailmix

I understand your pain and perhaps sometimes there is almost a "panic" to the feeling of how can you deal with this pain and these emotions? You will, but it is going to hurt for a while.

As cookie said, you have already gotten through a few days, keep remembering that and know you can do this. Also keep in mind H.A.L.T, when you are horribly overwhelmed are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? This will have a huge affect on how you can deal with anything so be sure to check yourself often to make sure you are tending to all those things.

I'm so glad you are posting and that you also have a group of friends to support you. Talking this out, getting perspective is really important and I'm sure you feel a little bit better afterward, these periods will get longer as you accept what has happened. One day at a time, or even one hour at a time, try to stay focused on now, not what will be or that he won't be home from dinner etc or what you may have lost (which is probably years of arguing about drinking although it won't seem that way right now). Take this in small bites, you can do this hour, you can do that bit of work, you can make sure you have a great lunch to keep your energy up, etc.

No, he didn't "try" what you had in mind, would it have helped, no doubt, but he is an addict and that is above all else. It may not make sense in the non-addicted world but it makes sense to him as he is now.

As you own your own business, I hope you can delegate much of your own work for the time being.

HardLessons

Ok Kayla

After reading your above posts it seems to me you have a lot to be thankful for. Obviously you have numerous people in your life that like & respect you. I was glad to read you have your work & must go to meetings. I was glad to read you wont let him shake your career. Go & focus on your work as best you can. I did the same.

You werent left (thrown away) by a wonderful & caring prince charming. An emotionally abusive alcoholic addict suddenly walked out of your marriage & life. A man who chose alcohol & god only knows what else over you his wife! A wife that has a lot good going for her & just wanted him to stop drinking. It will take time for you to get this in perspective.

My addict also chose her life just filled with chasing one addiction after another. She chose that life over me. Shes a reckless addict doing things on a daily basis that might make your hair stand on end. She wanted me to accept her as she is. I tried for a long period to do just that. In the end, It didnt work. You might have gotten him to stay by saying go ahead & drink all you want. In the end that wouldnt work out for you either.

I had my work & career but I did not have any support system in place like you have. Sober recovery forum was my support system. Your fortunate to have caring people in place.

Your AH has done you a favor. Its also probably good that it all happened suddenly. God only knows what could have happened if it had gone on for days weeks or even a month.

Im nothing special & I lived through it. If I can do it so can you. Im not saying it will be easy but you can do it.

LovelyKaya33333

I can't even explain how thankful I am for everyones support... I will be done with work in one hour and I can feel the depression setting in...

Cookie314

I find work keeps me well distracted too, and when I get home it's like everything suddenly catches up with me. It helps to try to keep busy for a bit, with productive but mindless, easy things like dishes, then to intentionally do something I enjoy. Read a book, listen to music, go for a walk (or just think about how nice a walk would be if it weren't as hot as the damn sun outside right now), sit with your pet, play video games, watch a movie, draw something, etc. It doesn't matter what. The idea is to stay busy, and give your mind something to focus on. Of course you're going to lose focus at times, then be like "I can't believe I'm doing X while all this sh*t is going on", but the nice thing about those moments is realizing they were preceded by a short span of time you weren't thinking about your pain. Slowly you'll realize that those moments where you are truly focused on something you enjoy last longer and longer.

It's OK to be hurting right now. There's no shame in feeling down when life throws a bunch of crap at you. Just focus on the moment. If the pain is overwhelming, then focus only on your breathing, or the feel of the floor beneath your feet, or how your cat is purring but also digging her giant scimitars into your thigh, etc. Eventually the pain will subside a bit, and you'll have the victory of knowing you've made it through.

trailmix

Yes I agree, change up your routine when you get home. Maybe stop and buy yourself dinner. Binge watch something you have been eyeing on netflix, stop at the dollar store and buy some inexpensive crafts (how long since you did a paint by numbers??). Buy a plain bird house there and paint that. Call your friends, post here, look up mini vacations (you don't even have to go anytime soon, just look at how wonderful it will be when you do have the time).

No, this won't fix everything, but it gives you a break mentally and that really helps.

edoering

I’ve been doing a TON of physical care for my body to help flush out the physical after effects of trauma and almost like “withdrawing” from my relationship (interestingly also a marriage, also a 7+ year relationship, and also currently basically no contact very suddenly!).

Outside of whatever is your normal routine for your body, I recommend Yoga with Adriene videos on YouTube. She teaches with amazing integrity yoga that is not for “fitness,” but rather for flushing fresh blood and oxygen and energy through your body and organs to help work through ways that pain have negatively impacted health. She syncs up the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of healing well. I like to do a video or two when I wake up to either warm me up for my usual weight lifting, or get me energized for my day! And then one or two at bedtime that are designed to calm my nervous system and help my wind down. I sleep sooooo much better when I do.

I also have found some major benefits in vagus nerve exercises. Haven’t read the polyvagal theory myself, but basically it’s a cranial nerve that’s one of the main components of the parasympathetic nervous system, and you can do simple exercises to help it function well and release any stored tension/trauma in the body. First time I did a basic exercise, I had involuntary sighs/cries, and other unexpected reactions and then felt sooooo relaxed.

You sound like you are so well equipped to survive this grief. It’s been about four months since my husband left and about a month in a half since my mother passed away, and I can say I still have the brain fog and the fatigue of living in grief, but the pain has largely subsided more into a kind of quietness and gentleness that sometimes I even enjoy. But at first, I really did feel like I could barely breathe, and I didn’t know how to make it through one of those episodes where the pain and grief just come and come and don’t stop washing over you! So I’m really sorry if you’re deep in that, and I have no words other than it’s just brutal. But I think you’re going to really love yourself on the other side.