Bewilderd

My sister has had alcohol & substance abuse problems for around 30 years. I have gradually reduced contact because it is hurtful. She seems to hate me and I don't understand.

We have been pushed into closer contact by the recent death of our mum. I've spent time with her for the first time in years. Her behaviour has been peppered with incidents I can only describe as vicious, deceitful, highly aggressive, condescending and full of projection. I am longing to break contact but can't until things are resolved. The bad behaviour alternates with charisma and attempts at something caring which I tend to soften to. She does NOT show the nasty side of herself to other family members, who ignore its existence and also deny her alcoholism, so no help there.

In particular the deceitful behaviour and certain betrayals I have found out of character. She always was aggressive. Can alcohol change people's personality? The way she makes me feel at a gut level very much resembles the effect of personality disordered people I've known, but I'd never have made that comparison years ago. I feel hurt and bewildered.

dustyfox

I am sorry for the loss of your Mum, that in itself must be very hard for you at the moment.
Yes alcohol can make people become all the things you describe your sister as - Is there another trusted family member you could talk to about your sister's problems and your concerns in confidence?
It sounds as if you should keep your distance from her at the moment as you will be dealing with grief over your dear Mum and now is probably not the time to have to deal with your sister's behaviour.
There are many threads on here concerning people who have family members with addiction and alcohol problems, you may find some of them helpful.

Bewilderd

Also: are there serious issues with self care & caring for others? It's like she treats me like an idiot or self-indulgent for caring for myself. I've had enough of her.

trailmix

Hi Bewilderd, sorry you are having such a hard time.

Honestly, trying to figure out why she is the way she is now is a bit of a waste of your time. She has been an addict for many years now and her life experience and her alcoholism will all have had an impact on who she is and how she acts/reacts.

Caring for others? Addiction is an incredibly self centered pursuit. Self care is more personal, it's individual but her focus is alcohol, period.

Perhaps, since things need to get settled, instead of looking at this as an emotion filled time, look on this as a business situation. Be strong, firm, clear and when dealing with her, keep it to that business level. Spend as little time as possible with her.

There is no need for you to take on any of her emotional baggage (but I know, it can be hard). Time to bring the defense out that you have probably had for years and keep yourself insulated from her vindictiveness, her problems are not your problems.

Bewilderd

Thanks both. Yes, I certainly don't need to be taking on her problems or dwelling too much on the reasons for her attitudes. I am just lacking in knowledge of addictions and finding her behaviour hard to frame. Once I can just call it alcoholism it's easier to distance & not interiorise any of it, much as she will do her best for that to happen.
I'm frankly just astounded she's been capable of some of her acts. She was not a nasty person. But there has really been nastiness.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read of the loss of your mum, also sorry to read your sister is behaving this way.

Distancing yourself is a good idea.

trailmix

There must be some reason for her behaviour, I totally get what you are saying.

What if, she is just mean now. That still isn't right and you are still right for giving her distance.

Could it be part of the alcoholism as well, absolutely. While she has been around you all and during this time, perhaps she has had to curb her drinking a bit? That's guaranteed to make an alcoholic - we'll just say, not the nicest person to be around (short tempered, lashing out, disregard for anyone's feelings, silent, rude, anxious, unhappy).

For what it's worth, it's probably not personal.

velma929

Late H was at his worst in the morning. While he still held a job and had to trek off to work and not drink until 4 in the afternoon, it was pretty bad. Once he'd been fired, and could start drinking as soon as I left for work, he wasn't as irritable.