Trying to make sense

Old 06-20-2021, 09:52 PM
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Trying to make sense

Hi All,

Sure has been a while. My Ex has finally entered a 3 month residential program, not even two weeks in. We had a call the other day and she and I were having a convo that was heading for resentment . She brought up how both of us had things to make amends for (true) and brought up how I put her thru the ringer with our daughter was WAAAAAAAAAAY out of line. When I hear those words, I fill with anger. How arrogant, I think to myself that she would say that to me? I know I have brought this to the forum before, I guess I still feel some guilt around it and think she is right.
I am in a weird place in the last month or so. I am working al-anon, I am at step four again and working it thru a lot more thoughtfully and honestly this time. I am thinking about where I am, now almost 3 years out from when everything came to a head. I feel stuck. Or at the very least unable to move on. But move on from what? From imagining us all reuniting, me quitting my job and travelling, me getting a new job, me finally letting go?
Daughter is doing pretty well. School year is almost done, She goes to high school next year, and has been seeing her mom before her mom left for treatment. She is really growing up, she is so beautiful and I see so much of myself in her, and not my best traits. I feel like the last few years and my fears have rubbed off on her, and she has adopted a worrying and fearful mindset...likely from watching me fret and worry. I feel like now that the dust has settled, I have to account for how my daughter has internalized the past few years. I know, a bit of a pity party here. I have a lot of growing up to do, owning my feelings and perhaps changing my perspective.
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Old 06-20-2021, 10:56 PM
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So she’s in rehab and tells you you BOTH have things to make amends for? Seems she needs to focus on HER things.

as far as your daughter goes, I have a feeling she will also now see you working through that. I don’t know why we take so much blame and account for everything.

how on earth could you be in a situation with an alcoholic and react perfectly? You can’t know what you don’t know.

so you reacted the way most people would without knowing. It wasn’t malicious. It wasn’t intentional. And let us not forget, the alcoholic makes us all sick. Where does that start?

the way I see it, ah lead our family to where we ended up. He owns the dysfunction. It’s his. Now, it also CREATED things in me and our children. Those are now ours to clean up. Our responsibility now. That he brought us.

Talking with your daughter and showing her different will go a long way.

Don’t let your ex talk to you like that. It’s triggering. And not something she should be discussing that way right now anyway. Does it promote healing? Will it be harmful or helpful? If it’s harmful. Isn’t a conversation to have. Firm line.
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Old 06-20-2021, 11:10 PM
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woodlandlost......hmmm. Not even 2 weeks in. I think that ,perhaps this is not the time to even be having those kinds of Come to Jesus kind of "deep" conversations--and taking of each other's inventory.
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Old 06-21-2021, 06:06 AM
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Hey Woodland
Good to see you again. I had wondered about how you were doing.
Congratulations on your Al Anon work. Step four is very good.
We are ALL a work in progress.

I am tempted to think that your wife doesn't sound very sorry if she is trying to take your inventory. The truth is, none of us know what she is thinking, least of all me. Maybe she really is recovering, maybe not. I just don't know. I wish her the best.

In my own recovery, I have felt "stuck" at times, and found that to move beyond "stuck" places requires pure courage. Recovery is a life-long process.
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Old 06-21-2021, 07:30 AM
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I've also been wondering about you WLL, I'm glad you have circled back.

Two weeks in is nothing. I'm glad she is still attempting to sober up but her words make it pretty apparent she isn't there yet because she's still trying to spread the blame around. Until she gets to a place of 100% accountability having important conversations with her will be pointless. I know it's frustrating, I'm sorry my friend. Don't worry about what she's up to, focus on you.

Guilt is a heavy emotion. I think most of us parents struggle with it to some extent or another. I know I sure have. I'm trying to release it, it serves no purpose. I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. That doesn't mean I couldn't have or shouldn't have done things better or differently, but I can't change that. Dwelling on things I can't change makes me sick so I really try hard to let go of the past.. definitely learn from it, strive to do things differently going forward, but let it go. I know it isn't easy. Remember, we've been conditioned by the people who raised us, some times we have to untangle ourselves from that generational baggage so we can change the way we approach our hurdles.

I hope you will hang out with us again for a while.
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Old 06-21-2021, 08:09 AM
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Woodland…two weeks is not nothing but it’s really not much. As others have said, her throwing blame back at you given everything that’s happened is…not great.

Can you consider hitting the mental “pause” button until she completes this rehab stint, if she does?

Your daughter is displaying exactly the behavior that comes with growing up with an alcoholic parent. It’s really all she knows. You’ve tried to protect her but this endless merry-go-round from hell never ends, so how could you, as long as you kept trying to make it work. And you have, over and over and over. The addiction to the happy ending fantasy is powerful…I know.

I’m glad you have some support. I hope you can attend actual Alanon meetings soon? IMO, the meetings where you can see yourself in others’ experiences is where the real power lies.

I’m going to say one more thing…I’m not sure there is any such thing as trying too hard to protect your child from the damage an alcoholic parent can cause. So you being “WAAAAAAAY out of line”? Not from where I’m sitting. She’s still deflecting and minimizing, WL.

Be careful, yes?

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Old 06-21-2021, 08:23 AM
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P.S. WL, I really don’t want to offend you or say something that might cause you to stop posting again. But there’s one more thing I would like to say.

I’ve followed your threads for a long time. They pretty much have the same theme, yes? Your wife acts out alcoholically, again, and you are furious and scared, again. But it seems like you most want to know how not to feel those feelings so you can hang on to the dream of the happy ending? Take it from a pro, those feelings you have stuffed down don’t go away…they metastasize. And every time you tell yourself your feelings aren’t valid you lose a little more self-regard. So you become a little more paralyzed, because you stop trusting yourself.

You spelled out the aspects of your ideal life…quitting your job, hitting the road. What if you take your wife’s presence out of that dream…and do the rest of it anyway? If everything you want in life still rests in her hands, you may be waiting for a long time, yes?

You feel what you feel. And that’s okay.
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Old 06-21-2021, 08:50 AM
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Hi All,

Thanks for the responses. All your replies hold valuable input for me, and the theme really is: yes, all that happened, it hurt, it was confusing, I did the best I can and so what now? This may be an oversimplification, of what was said, but sometimes simplifying for me is what I need. I tend to get too caught up into the web of it all and usually things get even more confusing. So thank you, thank you, thank you.
I believe I suffer from a lack of confidence and perhaps a bit more. confidence, clarity, etc...
I have been doing Al-anon by Zoom and they are great to attend, because I am reminded how I am not alone in this and it is the same with this group, only here, I get specific feedback in addition to benefitting from your recovery.

Hugs.
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Old 06-21-2021, 10:06 AM
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hi wandl, as I was reading your post, as soon as I got to "She brought up how both of us had things to make amends for" - my mind went to no - nope, nada, just no. Anytime someone would start a sentence that way it's a damn guarantee to get someone's back up - it's useless and pointless.

Well I've been wrong but YOU!! YOU!! have been SO wrong!! quack - quackety quack.

Frankly, I hope you will avoid speaking to her at all about any of this for several weeks (if not several years). Her therapist, group, counsellors are there to help her start to rebuild her life and they can, maybe, help her lay down some of her resentments or whatever - you on the other hand will never be that person (and never could be really).

The only thing you two have in common now is your Daughter, unless you are discussing that, why speak to her at all (and I mean, things like school or summer activities, not how much YOU have damaged everyone's relationship).

Or at the very least unable to move on. But move on from what?
From this dysfunctional relationship. Just because it's not the best relationship in the world doesn't make it easy to move away from it. She accuses you, you react and start to question yourself and blame yourself. Blame is wasted in this instance I think, all you can do is make the best of a bad situation. Don't worry too much about which traits your Daughter has picked up or not, if she needs help, maybe just focus on getting her that help now.

You have a burden, perhaps many, maybe you need to look at those and ask yourself if it helping to carry those on your back? If not, perhaps take time to focus on each one individually and ask what you can do to fix/help that, put it aside if it's not valid, etc.

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Old 06-21-2021, 02:48 PM
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WL…here is your first post, from almost exactly two years ago:

My Story (My Story, could use some help)

Here are all your threads since then:

Threads

Nothing changes if nothing changes, right?

Wishing you well, always.


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Old 06-22-2021, 12:07 AM
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She is deflecting from taking responsibility for her own behaviour. First rule in Alcoholic Handbook!

Sorry you have this rubbish to deal with.
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