Stinkatjie

He and I meet in high school, we went to matric farewell together. That was 11 years ago. We lost touch after school, and got into contact with each other again 3 years ago. We were best friends. I knew he was depressed, but I did not know about the alcohol. We started dating last year October.

He had to leave his apartment due to covid, and ended up moving in with me. The drinking wasn't bad, but about the months ago it started becoming worse. I spoke to him and he agreed to seek treatment. He went to psychologist appointments, but never actually did what they suggested. He had a thing against head doctors left over from his childhood with an alcoholic father.

Eventually my psychologist told me that for my own health and safety I should consider breaking up with him, because it doesn't seem like he wants to change. It was difficult, but I ended up giving him an ultimatum, he had to get sober and take his psychologist appointments seriously, or I'd break up with him.

A few weeks ago I got covid , and so did he a few days later (I had no idea where I got it from). While we were recovering, his sister got married. He was supposed to walk her down the aisle, but couldn't because he had covid. It was hard for him.

Once we were recovered and could go back to work, my aunt died due to covid. Since we had some antibodies from having covid we had to take my cousin to hospital to sort out the paperwork and see his mom's body, he was in isolation due to his contact with his mom, and was on crutches and couldn't drive. My ABF did not take this situation well, since it happened the day before the anniversary of his father's death.

Two days later I could smell that he drank again, and despite repeatedly asking him if he did, he lied and told me he didn't, until he was so drunk that he couldn't deny it anymore. I was mad and told him to go to bed. He then blamed his drinking on me, and said that the only person to ever do anything for him was his father (who was an alcoholic and died of it). I then just stayed calm and repeatedly told him to go to bed. I am a teacher and getting stubborn kids (grown up or not) to do something is a skill most teachers end up having.

Once he was in bed, I ended up crying myself to sleep, knowing that I now needed to keep my word and break up with him. The next morning I woke him up and told him to pack his bags, I'll take him where he wanted to go once I got back from school that afternoon.

When I got home, he had left, taking only his phone charger, and leaving everything else of his. I was not doing well emotionally and cleaned my apartment to try to get my mind off of the whole situation. I found so many empty bottles stashed everywhere... And the most disgusting was the dustbin outside that was a third full of urine and broken bottles... (This was Wednesday this past week)

I found out from a friend that he got to work safely the next day, but he is currently roaming the streets and couch surfing.

Both his sister and best friends think that I made the right choice, and hope that he will fall hard enough now to knock some sense into him before he ends up like his father.

It is so hard, though. I know that I did the right thing, but his safety is eating at me. He knew what I would do if he got drunk again, and yet he did it, and now he is on the streets, yet I can't help but feel concerned. I've been crying so much my eyes hurt, but I have gone through depression before and know how to process the pain. I have a psychologist appointment this week.

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trailmix

Hi katjie. Yes, it's a tough situation you are in, but you made your boundary, he stepped on it and you followed through. The alternative was to just let him keep drinking in your home and obviously, that not what you want.

I can understand why you are worried with him living on the street. Just because you had to ask him to leave doesn't mean you don't care at all. No one wants to see anyone living on the streets and this is a person you care about.

I think his sister and his friends are right though and that you are too. Rock bottom or not, that's his choice. For some having to leave your home and your relationship might be enough to say - enough, but it's just not and this may not have him doing anything differently either, so I think that's something to be aware of.

Asking him to leave was not a punishment, it was saving yourself, it is something you had to do. Now focusing on yourself instead of him will probably be really helpful to you and time will help as well. He is going to do whatever he is going to do and he will drink until he chooses not to (obviously now is not that time). He has a job, so he will probably end up renting a room or something eventually.

I hope you are looking after yourself well, sleeping as you can, eating well, spending time with friends and family.

Hawkeye13

I may be a little paranoid, but I also think there is a good chance he will show up at your door soon promising to change, saying he can’t make it without you, etc. and so on.

Does he still have a key to your house? I would consider changing locks if so.

You did the right thing by keeping your boundary. I hope he chooses to get help but the bottom for some can be very low and long in coming—meanwhile, it is pretty common for the addict to view you as a possible resource when things (like housing) get tough.

dandylion

Stink.....You did the right thing and the only constructive option available. Of course it hurts---you invested a part of your self into the relationship. You lost something that you wanted and that is experienced as a big loss, emotionally. You will be grieving for a while, naturally---so expect that. It IS going to hurt for a while---and, crying is Nature's way of coping with that pain.
It is sooo true that, sometimes, the Right thing is the hardest thing.

Don't second guess yourself.
Putting a soft pillow under his behind is the worst thing you could do for him, in the long run.

Stinkatjie

His mother called me today. He has finally gone to see a psychiatrist, and is being booked in for treatment on Monday. I am glad that he is finally getting up and doing something, and also glad that he is no longer my problem to worry about.

I am feeling a bit better about the whole situation. I wish him the best and hope he recovers, but the most I will now do is just keep him in my prayers...

I am still listening to a remarkably depressing Playlist of music, but I started playing piano again, and signed up for some pottery lessons as a creative outlet. It's slow going, but I will get through this and be a better person for having gone through this experience. Someday I think one of my pupils will ask me about alcohol, and I will be much better suited to support and help them...

Stinkatjie

His sister got the remote for the gate back from him for me, he thankfully has not had any other of my keys.

Eauchiche

I second Dandylion's post, and can tell you from personal experience that what you have been through hurts like Hell.
The good news is the peace you will eventually find if you stick with your own recovery and boundaries.