Greensoul3982

I feel like I have been gutted open. After almost seven years together. He was clean off meth that whole time. He relapsed on meth without telling me. Then he tells me he is moving out. Just a few months later after destroying our life together he is already sleeping with other woman addicts and living at the casino. He was fired from his amazing job at a big company. I feel dead inside. He absolutely broke my heart. He always said would be together till we were old and gray. He was it for me. How can he just stop loving me and see me as the enemy so easily. This man was crazy in love with me. I am so broken I can barely breath

trailmix

Hi greensoul, so sorry this has happened to you and that you are in so much pain.

I'm sure it seems very surreal. If he's seeing you as an "enemy" I am guessing you told him he needed to quit the drugs. That is the nature of addiction, you will be seen as the enemy if you try to come between him and his drug. Is that fair? Not at all, but it is addiction and it isn't logical.

Love also doesn't enter in to this. It's not about you, it's about his addiction.

I hope you are taking care of yourself, spending time with family and friends, eating well, sleeping as you can and trying to get outside and do things you would (normally) enjoy.

Greensoul3982

Thank you, Trailmix. You and others have replied to my other posts. I have been to incapacitated to thank everyone for their kindness and support. I am starting over and I am terrified. I didn't ever see myself being without him. I am a shell of the person I was when we met. I am finally on an anti depressant and it really is helping not feel so much despair. Everyday feel like a good day to fall asleep and never wake up. I keep pushing forward as painful as it is. I know we should feel compassion for our addict but right now I could honestly despise him for what he has done and how he has made me feel and for everything that I have lost because of this. He tells me he is completely done with me and isn't in love with me anymore and that he was in love with the idea of me. He canceled out everything we ever shared as a couple and as lovers. My mind is just blown.

edoering

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Truthfully, nothing I can say can really heal how bad that kind of sudden, brutal loss hurts. I’m still going through the grieving process, and there’s no way out but through, and everyone’s grieving process is their own. But I really hope you feel at least a little better and safer soon!

My husband relapsed and then suddenly decided to leave me and basically run away from his entire life. I know he loved me for years, and I think in a way he still loves me, but active addiction has a way of twisting love. His love for me makes him want to stay healthy/in recovery, so his addiction wants me out of the picture so he will use. His love for me means hurting me makes him feel bad, which in turn increases his “reasons” to drug the pain away, which active addiction loves. And his love for me might even mean on some level deep down he doesn’t want to bring me down with him as he spiraled.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I deserve someone who’s love for me is healthy, supportive, and stable. I spent a lot of unnecessary time wondering if this meant he did or didn’t “really love me” in our 7 years together. But either way, he is currently incapable of loving me in a way that is good for me. My brother when he was using was brutal to my mother, one of the people he loves most, perhaps in part because of how much he loves her and how much she matters to him. It was like the love he felt for her put a big ol’ target on her back for his addiction, he could torture himself by failing her. Even though she knew my brother loved her, it still hurt, she still knew she deserved better, and it still took a while for her to forgive him and heal from what she went through.

In my case, it’s important to my self-love that I don’t doubt my own experience of the healthy years we had before my husband’s relapse, that I don’t doubt that he really loved me. I chose to trust myself about the past. However, I need to be honest with myself about how things have changed, and how it is no longer healthy love and I am better off not with someone who cannot love me in a good way.

You are worthy of love. You likely were loved. But right now that man cannot love you in a good way. And you are also worthy of a love that brings joy and serenity into your life, not drama and heartache.

trailmix

Yes, keeping doing the next right thing for yourself.

And compassion? If you feel exactly none for him right now, I think that would be pretty normal. Maybe some day far away you will look back and feel compassion, but he has not been a good guy and he has treated you horribly, so you don't need to be thinking all good for him! So much more important to think about yourself, save your compassion for yourself.

If possible, try not to dwell too much on the "could have been". It frames him in a different way than he actually is, you know? He is an addict and his drug is the most important thing in his life - before all, even himself.

Do you have any other support? Trusted friends or family, counselling? A grief support group might be a good start, as well as Al Anon or Nar Anon if private therapy isn't on the books.

I'm so glad you spoke to your dr about the antidepressants though and also glad they are helping.

HardLessons

I know its extremely hard & I am sorry for what you are going through.

Meth is an extremely addictive, dangerous, & destructive drug. Anyone addicted to Meth is totally whacked out & not in any healthy state of mind. In order to live at any Casino one would have to be gambling big time. If so they will provide comps for rooms & meals. They want you to stay and gamble. If hes not gambling casino rooms & meals are very expensive. Either way hes going through tons of money.

If your finances are co-mingled please get them separated ASAP. If your name is on his credit cards contact those companies immediately. Sounds like he will blow through whatever money & credit he has remaining. You said above he got fired from his good job meaning little to no money is coming in.. Make sure you are protected.

Please try to go easy on yourself. Its not you. Youve been left by an active meth addict who is not in his right mind.