abby323

A little over a week ago I brought my AH to rehab. He wanted and desperately needed treatment after losing his job. On the 2.5 hour trip, he busted my windshield and tried to get out of the vehicle into oncoming traffic while I was driving 70mph. It was very traumatic. We have been married for less than 6 months and did not live together beforehand so his addiction was just revealed to me 4 weeks ago when he was hospitalized for dehydration and withdrawals. Prior to me knowing how severe things were, he decided that anytime we had a disagreement that he would get a hotel and drink heavily. He would leave suddenly without me knowing anything. Anyways, now he is in rehab. A week in rehab and he makes it seem like he is on the right path, doing the homework, following the rules, and very worried about our relationship and doing anything to make it work. I have come to understand that he has done nothing but manipulate and lie to me. I bought my home prior to us getting together and can survive without him. I am worried that he will relapse again and that his intentions are to only be with me because he has no other options. It has been so peaceful since he has been gone. No drama. I want to support him through recovery but am conflicted. How do I know he is genuine about recovery and that it is not just manipulation? We can only spend a total amount of 30 minutes each week on the phone. I am worried to let him come back home only to cause so much more pain again.

trailmix

Hi abby. Well really the only way to tell is by seeing him in recovery. Recovery looks like it should. Taking responsibility for his actions. Being honest, taking care of himself and others etc.

If you are reluctant for him to come home straight out of rehab, perhaps you should consider him organizing a sober house for him to live in for a period of time. Recovery takes time and if he is willing to do whatever it takes, he should probably agree to that. Is there a counselor or someone at the rehab that you could discuss that with?

Ariesagain

First of all, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Hardly a honeymoon for you, is it…that car ride sounds absolutely terrifying and I’m very glad you’re okay.

You titled your post, “Am I Being Manipulated?” IMO, if you are asking that question after being married only six months, you are. Or at least he’s trying to.

There are multiple red flags here, in addition to the alcoholism. He can’t handle any kind of disagreement in a constructive way. He doesn’t know how to manage anger or conflict. He lacks sufficient empathy even to let you, the person who he supposedly loves and is committed to, know where he is when most people would understand that you would be worried sick when he disappears. Those are major issues that will require a ton of effort for him to address, learn, practice, fail, and re-learn.

And that’s if he sticks with the program. The odds aren’t great.

The best thing for both of you, IMO, is to separate for a set period of time while he focuses on his recovery, if he does, and while you get some support and a chance to re-evaluate this whole situation. The fact that you’re savoring the peace and lack of drama is telling and it’s actually really healthy…lots of partners end up either hooked on the drama or so accustomed to it that they find peace and quiet actually very uncomfortable. You haven’t yet learned a new normal and that’s a good thing.

Tell him he needs to find another place to live when he gets out of rehab, as Trailmix suggested, and please try to find some support for yourself, either through a therapist who understands addiction or through Alanon or both.

There’s a classic post here called “How to Know When An Alcoholic Is Full of Crap.” I haven’t been able to find it just yet but I’ll add it to a later post.

Know that you have friends here and I hope you’ll feel that you can post whenever you need support or just to vent.

Wishing you clarity and strength.




ETA: Found it!

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)

Eauchiche

Dear Abby
I echo the other posters in saying how sorry I am that you find yourself in this place.

When I read your post, the words from a song came to mind :
"You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run"
from
The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

I hope I don't sound too harsh here, but I see two very good things:
1. You owned your home before you met him.
2. You don't need him to survive financially.

If you stay with this man, those two positive things could change as you get dragged down with him.
We have to love some people in our lives from afar.

FallenAngelina

People who are in genuine recovery do not pressure others into supporting them. People who are in genuine recovery know that their recovery depends ENTIRELY upon their own willingness to surround themselves with others who actively in recovery as well: sponsor, fellow program people, fellow meeting goers. People who are in genuine recovery do not ask spouses, children, partners or friends to support them.

Likewise, partners who truly understand recovery know that they cannot support the alcoholics in their lives. We can love them and learn to accept them, but we can't be their support people. Not only is you husband's recovery dependent entirely on him but also: You cannot support him. You really can't. The very inclination to want or need to support your partner is a signal that you are already in territory that is toxic for both you and for him. The only people who are truly equipped to truly help and support alcoholics are fellow alcoholics - and perhaps professionals in the field. Partners of alcoholics are NOT.

HardLessons

"tried to get out of the vehicle into oncoming traffic while I was driving 70mph"

Not sure what happened to cause your AH to do above. Certainly if he had exited your vehicle he would have killed himself & probably caused great harm & possible dearth to many innocent others trying to avoid hitting him.

"he decided that anytime we had a disagreement that he would get a hotel and drink heavily. He would leave suddenly without me knowing anything." Not sure how often this was happening. There might have been more going on in that hotel room than drinking.

He probably has severe mental issues.

I would be extremely careful concerning what you do with him from here on out.

abby323

Thank you for your thoughtful response, Trailmix. There is family therapy at his rehab so he is going to ask about it today. I believe it begins about 2 weeks after arriving at rehab so I will know more when I am able to talk to him tomorrow. I am definitely leaning towards a sober living environment for him or a second phase of inpatient treatment and then sober living. Ultimately, he will need to decide. His decision will also be a way for me to determine how serious he is about recovery. He thought he would be able to finish his 30 day inpatient treatment and then complete 90 meetings in 90 days while being at home with me. He was doing outpatient treatment before his most recent binge after just getting out of the hospital for another binge, so his plan is not something I am comfortable with at this point.

abby323

I truly appreciate your helpful response, Ariesagain. It is your post that has really had me thinking about separation. In fact, that is exactly what I am going to do as I thought about it throughout today. Separation does not mean divorce but if the situation does not improve, it can more easily be converted to divorce and also protects me to a certain degree should he decide not to continue with recovery and do something to harm someone else while drinking. This will give him the understanding that I am serious about either him recovering or us being over, and me time to be able to see if he has truly changed. This decision takes the emotion out of everything because no matter what, I have to protect myself and my kids and he has to understand that.

abby323

Thank you for this needed painful reminder, Eauchiche. Writing just the cliff notes version of everything that has happened over the last few months has really made me realize just how unhealthy and toxic our relationship had become. This time to myself has really made me realize that I may need to love from afar. I think separation is going to be my first choice in the hopes that he does take recovery seriously this time.

dustyfox

Abby, I agree with everything Ariesagain - I am very very glad you are thinking carefully.

Wishing you strength and the courage to do the right thing for you and your children.

abby323

HardLessons, he had just finished his phone intake with the inpatient rehab and then wanted to talk about our relationship. When I mentioned that I hope he takes this seriously because I would not go back to get him should he decide to check himself out early at rehab (he had just checked himself out early at the hospital while trying to detox), he heard that I was not ever coming back. He was highly intoxicated (although he insisted he wanted help) at the time. This was the only violent encounter that I have ever witnessed with him. He was suicidal and yes, could have hurt others in the process which has been so upsetting to me. So upsetting that I have decided to legally separate to protect myself as much as I can and to help me determine if he is serious about recovery. I hope he decides to go to a sober living community but ultimately that will be up to him. He has been meeting with therapists regularly while in rehab so I hope if there are other mental issues besides depression that they are uncovered. We have both thought that he could be bipolar and is self-medicating. I appreciate your warning. It has really got me thinking today.

HardLessons

Abby

I think your making wise choices to protect yourself & your children. Hopefully you can focus on yourself. He has to choose his own path in life. No one can do that for him.

Obviously, your AH has numerous serious issues going on. He needs professional help. Will probably take a long period of time & tremendous hard work on his part to sort this all out. If by some chance he is very fortunate & able to work through a lot of these problems, he may not end up being the same person you married. Only time will tell.

honeypig

Abby, I think your decision to do the legal separation is a good one. I also was separated from AH for several months prior to finalizing things with a divorce, partly b/c I was able to remain on his employer-provided health insurance (had no access to any of my own at the time) and partly b/c this would protect me from any bills or other financial issues he might rack up.

I hope this works well for you to give you some space in which to think as well as removing the worry of being financially responsible for actions he may take. To me, he doesn't sound like someone who is capable of making rational choices and acting in a responsible way, let alone being a good, caring partner for you. It's good that you aren't in a situation where you are trapped financially or otherwise, as so many others are by the time they realize that there's a problem.

abby323

Thanks, everyone. I decided to tell him my decision yesterday so that he could process everything while in rehab and make a decision about where he is going to go once he finishes his 30 days. My hope is that he will look for a second phase in-patient treatment and then sober living. Obviously the choice is his and I will be able to see how seriously he is taking recovery based on those decisions.

It was so hard to tell him and we only had 10 minutes to talk. He became very emotional and said he told his group meetings all day that he was nervous about our phone call because he was worried he would get bad news. I know he was devastated. I so badly want to believe he is serious this time about recovery. He seems to be. This is all new to me so I don't trust my heart right now so I am making decisions with my head instead. The next time I get to talk to him is tomorrow for 10 minutes. Now to figure out how to file for legal separation in Kentucky. We don't have any debt together or kids so I think I can figure it out on my own without having to get an attorney involved. At least I hope so.

dandylion

abby......here is a link to a website that I think will help you with the separation situation. It is arranged by state.

www.WomansDivorce.com

Eauchiche

Abby, I am SO proud of you.

A couple of things come to mind about his reaction:
1. If he had smallpox instead and had to be quarantined, how would he react then? He has a bad disease that can make you sick now. What’s the difference?
2. Is this a guy who would die for his wife? NO. It is all about him and his feelings.
3. If you had a daughter who wanted to date a guy like this, what would you tell her?

By the way, I am a guy. I am reading this guy man to man.

honeypig

abby, I handled my separation and eventual divorce from XAH on my own also, as our situation was similar to yours. We'd been married much longer than you have, but we had paid off all our debts and had no kids. There was no disagreement about who got what property-wise or financially, and I was able to do all the legal paperwork myself. I did find a lawyer who was willing to work with me on a "consult only" basis, charging me only for time spent on questions, just b/c I was a teensy bit nervous about messing things up, but the total bill was a few hundred dollars, instead of thousands, and I felt the peace of mind was worth it.

I know nothing about the laws in Kentucky, but good for you for considering this option. To me, a layperson, it sure sounds like the way for you to handle things if Kentucky law allows.

abby323

Update: So I waited almost until the usual time for AH's 10 minute call in rehab tonight when I realized that I had a missed call from his dad. Yesterday, I updated his dad on how his son was doing in rehab but felt the need to tell him that I also told AH that we needed legal separation in which his dad was supportive. In fact, he told me that he would not blame me if I divorced him over all he put me through. I only texted with his mom who is a little cray cray so I did not fill her in on the separation details since it was thru just text. I was trying to keep them posted on his progress since they had not spoken with him at all since I took him to rehab.

I found out that AH called his mom instead of me tonight and plans to call his dad on Saturday (that makes sense with Father's day but with no message to me or anything I think this move was meant to be hurtful). This means the earliest I could speak with him would be next Tuesday, a week from when we last spoke. I was so incredibly hurt. I know I told AH we needed to separate, but I explained my reasons and was very reassuring and told him that I loved him multiple times.

For some reason, this has hit me as the final straw to just divorce him once and for all and I actually told his dad this over the phone. I told him to tell him this on Saturday. I am done with feeling so hurt and unloved or unimportant and with all the drama. Not to mention, AH told me that my phone number was the only one he remembered and that he did not have access of his cell phone. Shocker that he lied once again. I feel like I am overreacting, but he clearly is looking to portray himself as a victim to his mom and dad about what goes on in our relationship as he has done since we have been married which I did not know was happening until his addiction was brought to light recently. Clearly, it feels he is not looking to change his actions even while in rehab. When I told his dad how upset I was over him not calling me and that I am done with the relationship, his dad got upset with me, told me to stop crying, that I am being just like a woman and that I am going to do whatever I want to do anyway. He could not understand my point of view that this was intentional to hurt me. After I told him that I appreciated him calling me, he just hung up on me.

Can I please get some outside perspective? I am ok with being wrong in this situation, just not sure how to handle all the emotions I am experiencing right now. Right now, I just plan to ignore any communication from AH or his family and just file the paperwork and be done with it. I am ready to get my happy, normal, responsible life back.

honeypig

Abby, I will be very blunt: It sounds as if there is a lot about your hub that, had you known about it before the marriage, would have been a dealbreaker. Just b/c you found these things out AFTER you married him doesn't mean they are somehow NOT still a dealbreaker, in my opinion. Yes, we can talk about the importance of marriage vows, but when one partner has not been honest with the other to this extent, I feel that puts a different spin on things.

I remember someone posting a story here some time ago about how, as a teen, she and a friend were making fun of Cher for divorcing Gregg Allman after just 10 days of marriage. The girl's father said "there's nothing wrong with admitting a mistake as soon as you know you made one." I guess I'd like to say that same thing to you--there is nothing wrong with admitting a mistake and taking action to rectify it as soon as you realize you made a mistake. There is no guarantee that this man will EVER get healthy and be a good partner, and I see no reason you should feel obligated to hang around and wait to see if a miracle occurs. If he's going to get better, he will do it come hell or high water, and your presence or absence will not affect that, regardless of what he may tell you or what you may think.

I would, however, caution you to make sure of your motives and be certain you're not doing any manipulating of your own. A wise person here at SR once told me to "act from a place of strength rather than a place of hurt", and I found that to be good advice.

Ariesagain

Well isn’t his dad just a peach and a half. Eyeroll. If nothing else, remember that at least you get to divorce his family, too. Sheesh.

You know, Abby, sometimes it isn’t a Big Thing that puts you over the edge of a hard decision. Sometimes it can be a tiny thing, or a little thing…but you know when you know. I knew I was divorcing my ex when he and his brother were in our study packing their stuff for yet another camping/fishing trip without me and I said something, I can’t even remember what, that most people would respond to. They ignored me. I sat there…waiting…waiting…I repeated it. Nothing. I was that inconsequential. It was one of a thousand moments like that and when you look at it in isolation, what’s the big deal, right? But it was one final straw on top of a whole hay field of years of belittling, drinking, sneering, getting stoned, putdowns, etc. etc.

I just remember thinking, “NOT THIS.” I left two weeks later with about $400 in my checking account and one suitcase.

You don’t have to justify your decision to anyone. Some times you just know. And if you’re there, you’re there.

Wishing you well.