Tired1

I move into my apartment next weekend. I have acknowledged and accepted all the feeling that I am feeling with this huge change, but tonight as I am getting ready to sleep for my last Sunday in my house, I began to wonder if AH is feeling anything when it comes to this change. It just seems to me he is moving on like nothing has happened. Of course deep down I know as an active alcoholic, he isn't able to feel anything that is real at this point. thanks for listening.

trailmix

Maybe, maybe not. Everyone is different, including alcoholics. Personality type, standards in the way you live, moral values, integrity etc etc.

Now, with alcoholism, of course, he has a go to emotion changer, so that makes it more complex. He has been drinking for a long time. From what you have said his values have all but flown away. The fact that he wonders why you are bitter, when it comes to him, is an indicator of his mindset I think. Did he pause to consider the years of sadness and trying to cope and trying to make things right that you have done? Did he ever pause to wonder why you aren't miss happy go lucky with him? It would appear not. If he had he would know but more importantly (to him) he would have to acknowledge that his drinking destroyed your relationship.

Some just live in denial.

You mentioned he didn't drink for 2 days because a woman he went to see said that men she had dated previously drank to much. Who is he kidding?

velma929

One evening, while Late AH was in an alcoholic stupor, an anti-drug PSA was broadcast on TV.

I kid you not, when it ended, Late AH said, "I don't understand how people become drug addicts."

I can't speak to the experience of others, who lived with actively abusive partners. Mine wasn't. The same man who stood in front of a toaster one night trying to figure out how to operate it had pet names for me, cried when he buried our cats, renovated one house and was working on the second, and slid from functional to non-functioning over a few years. Had I left, he simply would have drunk more. He was artistic and literally a genius. One thing he wasn't was happy. He anesthetized his unhappiness with booze.

Tired1

Velma929-- I think that is what makes leaving someone hard, don't you?
Under it all he is a nice guy who cares deeply, but because of the Alcohol everything is dead. Wish me luck on a hard, but exciting new adventure!!

mylifeismine

Whenever an active addict feels anything, emotions or physical pain, or feels
anything thing they use.
So no, your AH is not present for this event, just another day to drink himself
to a numbing oblivion of comfort.

Good luck as you begin your journey and be sure to get as much support
as you need, those who are educated or have been involved with an addict.

SmallButMighty

Good luck and best of wishes for your next step Tired1. Moving out was the hardest most painful thing I ever did, but it was also the wisest and most beneficial thing I've ever done for my mental and emotional health.

For what it's worth, I do agree with what the others have said about alcoholics/addicts numbing out their feelings with their preferred substances. The key word there is "feelings". They have feelings just like anyone else does, they just don't deal with them properly. The more pain or sadness they feel the more booze/drugs they pour on those feelings so they don't have to actually fully feel them. Then they feel bad about the drinking so they pour on some more.. it's a vicious, vicious cycle. I don't mean to imply it's in any way anyone else's fault that they drink to feel "better" even when it is someone else who has upset them. They get to choose how they will deal with crappy situations just like anyone else does, it sucks that they pick up, but that's on them, never anyone else. Of course years of "dealing" with life in this way does lead to physical dependence, which can be easily treated, it's that emotional baggage that screws people up.

My AXH loved me, I know he did. He wasn't violent, he didn't cheat. He provided well. He also drank too much. He lied about it (and other things), he blame-shifted, manipulated, drove drunk and did many dangerous and/or illegal things that scared the heck out of me. There were times I do believe he knew how bad it was and wanted to be/do better, he tried white knuckling sobriety many times...but he wasn't willing to get real help. He wasn't willing to reach into the dark parts of himself and shine a light on what was causing those demons. He didn't/doesn't want to have to FEEL that stuff. Unfortunately, he always ended up drinking again. It was easier for him to pour alcohol on the pain and depression instead of actually dealing with it. My father suffered the same way and eventually his choices killed him.

So yes, I know alcoholics feel pain. Honestly, I think most of them feel little else. That's WHY they drink. It's heartbreaking.

FallenAngelina

This is my conclusion as well. Alcoholics drink as a way to manage so very much pain. Addiction thrives on a bed of pain.

PeacefulWater12

I think so too, my AH was full of emotional pain of many sorts. He drank to try and make it go away. To numb it.

In his occasional windows of clarity he said as much. He knew of the hurt he had caused other people especially his children and former wife. He also knew how much he was hurting himself physically and emotionally. Then his brain would click back to its usual place and he would justify and drink it away. Turn it around to being other people who hurt him.

He twisted everything so he could live with it all.

trailmix

"The worldview that is created by the addictive process is one that is compatible with and friendly to the interests of the addiction. Worldviews that are inconsistent with the continuation of the addiction are suppressed or eliminated. The process is usually a slow and subtle one progressing invisibly over many years "behind the back" of the unsuspecting addict.

What kind of a world view is compatible with addiction? Almost any philosophy that does not include and will not permit happiness, healthy and balanced behavior, sustaining relationships, rigorous honesty with and about oneself, and some kind of spiritual connection (even though it may not be called that). Addiction thrives best in an atmosphere of unhappiness, resentment, alienation and estrangement, secrecy, mistrust and in most cases, ultimate despair of meaning. And it cannot continue for long in the opposite atmosphere, i.e. one of happiness, emotional well-being, healthy relationships and genuine honesty. Serious addiction, therefore, necessarily points in the direction of an unhappy and dissatisfied world view, and away from the opposite, happier and healthier perspective. A happy addict is a contradiction in terms".

Addiction and Its Mechanisms of Defense

mylifeismine

Thanks Trailmix, I've never read about that concept. Interesting...