Lostandsadgirl

Hello, everyone.

Last December, my boyfriend of then 15 months revealed to me that he’s an alcoholic. We are both in our early 20’s, but I love him very much and from previous conversations, it seemed like we were both invested in the relationship for the long haul, so I tried my best to support him and come up with a recovery plan with him. Fast forward a few months, we’re in college spending way too much time together (COVID rules were strict) and I start having a lot of problems with my mental health. Our relationship became pretty toxic over the last month and he broke up with me a few weeks ago, unexpectedly, without much discussion (he said he “just had been feeling doubts for a few weeks”). I was depressed and anxious and irritable and I withdrew from the world, and we were also picking stupid fights, which obviously isn’t great, but I didn’t think he’d end things without being clear with me that he was unhappy and giving me a chance to get it together, at least a few weeks beforehand. I am fairly devastated and confused and I want to talk to him (we’ve been 3 weeks No Contact), but I also don’t want to violate boundaries or potentially disrupt his recovery. From some friends of ours, it seems like he’s avoiding talking to me because he’s trying to make himself fall out of love with me, which is of course not what I want, but again, I don’t want to disrupt his recovery. In my best case scenario, we would talk and maybe consider getting back together in a few months (in a totally different and slower way), but even if he doesn’t want to get back together with me, I also want to talk to him because I’m hoping to understand what I did wrong. He is my best friend and I am absolutely gutted at the idea of losing him forever, which I fear may happen if I don’t reach out first. Should I just leave it alone? Would it be wrong to try to pursue any relationship at all again in a few months? I wish I had known forums like this existed beforehand, and perhaps I could have gotten advice before it was too late

Bekindalways

Heya Lostandsad. Welcome to Soberrecovery. I'm glad you found us and also sorry that you find yourself in this position.

What you are going through just sucks beyond sucks. Most of us have been through something like this in our own lives.

Sometimes here we talk about "your side of the street." This is the idea that in a healthy relationship each partner has their own issues and problems to address and should stick to this. A partner's addiction and recovery is "their side of the street".

For me, stepping back and going no-contact with my AXBF (alcoholic Ex boyfriend ) forced me to look at some very serious flaws in myself. There was no way I could have focused on these things if I would have stayed with him.

It sounds like you both have lots going on in your lives that needs attention. Unfortunately it may well take more than a few months for either of you to make any major changes in yourselves.

Please let us know how you get on. This can be such a tough time.

Ariesagain

LostandSad, I’m very sorry this has happened. Breakups are brutally painful, especially when you’re young, because you don’t have the experience to know that you will get through this.

From an outsider’s perspective and this is only going by what you’ve posted, his alcoholism doesn’t seem to be the primary reason he ended the relationship. For him, the relationship may have just run its course, or he felt, as you said, it had become toxic, and/or he decided that he needed to focus on himself during his recovery, which is quite valid. I don’t want to be harsh about your friends, but “he’s trying to make himself fall out of love with [you]” isn’t a thing. He broke off the relationship without giving you enough of an explanation for you to feel as if you understand it, but pursuing him trying to pry his reasons out of him so you can “fix it” isn’t good for either one of you. It really isn’t.

You have a lot going on. You’re young, you’re coming out of a rough time during a terrible year, and you’re experiencing some important mental health ramifications that you should address. Do you have access to a therapist through your college? I found a wonderful therapist through my university when I was in grad school…that woman kicked my behind and saved my life and I think of her often and fondly.

Focusing on yourself is the way to go, here. I would not contact him, out of respect for his boundaries and it would probably just make you feel worse, in the end.

It’s one of life’s more brutal lessons, but some relationships just end and they end for a lot of reasons and for no reason. The one relationship you will always have is the one with yourself and I really would suggest that you focus on that right now, yes?

I send you a hug.

edoering

From personal experience I would caution away from worrying about the “why.” I think a therapist is a GREAT tool at a time like this. They can really help you get to the bottom of what you need to be who you want to be moving forward.

Sometimes, people don’t know the reason they want to end things or aren’t being honest with themselves and therefore can’t be honest with you. Other times, they are being as honest as can be and we just aren’t ready to hear it.

I had to ask myself what I really thought I would gain from understanding “why” my relationship with my AXH (addict ex-husband) ended. I had a couple misguided feelings that if I understand things I could either control it or keep myself safe in the future. But there is no controlling life or never getting hurt in life. Living comes with risks, and I realized what I REALLY wanted was help making peace with when I take risks and get hurt. Therapy was what helped me with that.

It’s almost always more important to understand yourself, than someone else.

trailmix

Hi lostandsad, sorry this happened, I know it's very painful.

Everyone has shared a lot of wisdom with you. I just wanted to say, you are not responsible for his recovery or non-recovery, it's whatever he chooses.

He is not some delicate flower now that he is sober. He has made this decision no matter what his reasons are. Getting sober for an alcoholic is a tough road and takes a lot of dedication and focus, it's not something you can help him with, it's all up to him.

I hope you take the time to take care of yourself though, do things you enjoy, be around good friends and family.

trailmix

One other thing, how are you actually doing? I know you said the idea of not speaking to him again has gutted you. I just want to say that you don't ever have to suffer through that alone. Please come here and post as often as you like. Therapy is also a good idea, perhaps there are connections to that available at your school.

Also, I don't know if you are close to your family but if so, it's a good idea to share this as well. Do they know he is an alcoholic?

velma929

Entering into a relationship requires both people to agree to it, but exiting is something that if one person wants, the other has no choice, really. We hope for some kind of explanation, but often there isn't one, or it's one we don't like to hear. I remember being dumped by my ex. I didn't have a lot of experience dating, we'd been together three rocky years, with him periodically pushing me away and me begging him to take me back. Pretty messy. I suspect he knew something I didn't - we weren't a match. He didn't ever say it, maybe he couldn't put it into words, but we wanted very different lifestyles (me: house in suburbs, him: apartment in city. More things like that) Anyway...I finally stopped begging him to take me back and got a job that took me out of state. It was the break I needed.

I failed at the job, had to move back, and started to fall back into the habit of socializing with him and his friends. I shared with someone close to me that hanging around him and his friends, it would be easy to get back into a romantic relationship with him. She asked if I wanted that, and I said no. She said I needed to move on then, and make new friends. (Thanks, Mom!) So I did. The less I saw of Ex, the less emotional investment there was in him. It was a good thing. It hurt like ____ for a few months. There's often subtle pressure from society/well meaning people who opine "But you should stay friends:" an over-rated concept in my opinion. No contact gives everyone some breathing room, and allows us to reconnect with our buddies: the ones we saw less of when we were so involved with our beloved.

YOU coming up with a treatment plan isn't BF taking responsibility AT ALL. Maybe he wants to drink, and being in a relationship with you hampers that. Maybe he honestly IS trying to stay sober, and can't summon up the energy to maintain a relationship at the same time. But it's an inside job. Not your place to orchestrate a recovery plan or be his cheerleader.

You will get through this.

masha2688

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I just got dumped as well recently except my ex and I are in our 30s which just goes to show these dynamics may never change. My advice would be to leave it alone and focus on yourself. From what you say you've been hurting from this relationship for some time and have been so focused on his boundaries that you haven't been kind to your own.

This is the time to go fully no contact no matter how much you miss him. You're hurting and it's 100% normal and okay to miss him, but him pulling the rug out from under you without "giving you a chance" is pretty typical and just goes to show he's in a selfish place right now and can't be in a real (non-toxic) relationship with anyone. It was never about giving you a chance - it was always about him and his needs and it's going to stay that way for a long time given that he's so early in his recovery process.

It doesn't matter how much you love someone if they haven't healed themselves first. So please, care for yourself right now, put down some boundaries, please post on this forum for support, and like others have said talking to a therapist can always do a lot to help as well. The goal isn't to worry about him, it's to keep you healthy and away from a toxic dynamic that hurts you even more. Good luck with this - I'm only a few weeks of no contact with my ex (although he's tried to reach out like nothing happened) and I'm starting to feel a sense of relief. This is your time to be selfish and heal, and that is the absolute healthiest thing you can do <3

velma929

Sometimes it's helps to remember most romances don't go the "happily ever after" route. Most end with one person or both calling it quits. Often it's not because anyone did anything wrong; different belief systems, different desired lifestyles, different goals. Someone invested in the relationship WOULD have given you a chance to recover, you didn't do anything wrong, (and if you had, asking for an apology and talking things through would be sufficient,) and it may have been in the cards, sooner or later.

He was already feeling doubts, after all. He may not have the sobriety or self-awareness or maturity to tell anyone exactly what the issue(s) are. It doesn't mean ANYTHING is wrong WITH YOU.

dandylion

Lost and Sad.......
Velma speaks Truth!
I am old enough and experienced enough---through relationships marriage, divorce and remarriage---to know that what she says is true.

I will add this---that when someone says "I don't want to be with you"----open the door for them. That is a sure sign that they are not the one for you.

Lostandsadgirl

Thank you, everyone, for your responses! I really appreciate the support. They have definitely lent me some perspective.