I did a thing...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
I did a thing...
Had zoom appointment with attorney I used last time ah and I separated. Long story short, he will be served by the end of the week.
I saw our last text exchange a few days before I left. He had a lunch appt with a woman he’s previously been inappropriate with and he justified it as business. I told him I felt it disrespectful and he instantly got nasty and stormed out for the office, slamming the door... an hour or so later, he called and I didn’t answer. I sent a text and the exchange went like this....
me: I’m not ready to talk yet. I can’t be yelled at and treated like that. I wish you would care about what that does to me.
ah: what are you talking about and wtf is wrong with you!
me: I’m talking about how you spoke to me just an hour ago. I think I should be able to tell you if I am uncomfortable with something. It doesn’t deserve the reaction you gave. And why you call me such horrible things I’ll never understand.
ah you’re effing psycho and you’re a liar. You can NEVER be trusted.
me: see? Why would you talk to me like that?
ah: like what? Ike an honest person? You’re a liar and a psycho. I’m over it. You do this to yourself every time. Then make like poor you. I’m sick of it.
me: do you hear yourself? Can’t you stop or set your standard higher in regard to how you treat me?
ah: how I treat you? See how crazy you are? Look how you’re treating me and now trying to act like I start it.
me: all I said was I felt uncomfortable with your lunch appt. can’t you be sensitive about that?
ah: no. It’s stupid. I’m so sick of your stupid s-it. I’m sick of your mouth.
me: I’ve loved you well. I don’t treat you like this. Idk why you are so hateful.
ah: oh god. Poor you. Boo hoo. I treat you perfect until you start with this dumb bs. You do it to yourself.
I didn’t reply again.
reading that I see :
I see one person tslkimg extremely aggressively with no logic or hearing the other person out and then another person who is staying very calm even when being verbally abused just trying to understand what the other person is saying and being super reasonable in their words of trying to point out that persons behavior to them
and that was mild. Very mild. That is how I stay though. Hard to believe I stay so calm. But I do.
so, I can’t. I can’t stay even if I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to be treated like that anymore. Which means I don’t want to talk to him again. To do so will get me treated like that and it triggers something very painful in me. All I know to do is stay away from it. Protect myself from it happening.
I saw our last text exchange a few days before I left. He had a lunch appt with a woman he’s previously been inappropriate with and he justified it as business. I told him I felt it disrespectful and he instantly got nasty and stormed out for the office, slamming the door... an hour or so later, he called and I didn’t answer. I sent a text and the exchange went like this....
me: I’m not ready to talk yet. I can’t be yelled at and treated like that. I wish you would care about what that does to me.
ah: what are you talking about and wtf is wrong with you!
me: I’m talking about how you spoke to me just an hour ago. I think I should be able to tell you if I am uncomfortable with something. It doesn’t deserve the reaction you gave. And why you call me such horrible things I’ll never understand.
ah you’re effing psycho and you’re a liar. You can NEVER be trusted.
me: see? Why would you talk to me like that?
ah: like what? Ike an honest person? You’re a liar and a psycho. I’m over it. You do this to yourself every time. Then make like poor you. I’m sick of it.
me: do you hear yourself? Can’t you stop or set your standard higher in regard to how you treat me?
ah: how I treat you? See how crazy you are? Look how you’re treating me and now trying to act like I start it.
me: all I said was I felt uncomfortable with your lunch appt. can’t you be sensitive about that?
ah: no. It’s stupid. I’m so sick of your stupid s-it. I’m sick of your mouth.
me: I’ve loved you well. I don’t treat you like this. Idk why you are so hateful.
ah: oh god. Poor you. Boo hoo. I treat you perfect until you start with this dumb bs. You do it to yourself.
I didn’t reply again.
reading that I see :
I see one person tslkimg extremely aggressively with no logic or hearing the other person out and then another person who is staying very calm even when being verbally abused just trying to understand what the other person is saying and being super reasonable in their words of trying to point out that persons behavior to them
and that was mild. Very mild. That is how I stay though. Hard to believe I stay so calm. But I do.
so, I can’t. I can’t stay even if I’m afraid to go. I don’t want to be treated like that anymore. Which means I don’t want to talk to him again. To do so will get me treated like that and it triggers something very painful in me. All I know to do is stay away from it. Protect myself from it happening.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m very glad you posted…I was a bit worried. I was a Border Collie in a previous life, I think…
Macy, this is such textbook projection…
I don’t even know where to begin. It’s such a Narcissism 101 thing to do, to accuse the other person of exactly what he knows about himself.
I’m delighted you talked to the lawyer. Have you been able to connect with anyone who has expertise in therapy for women getting out of narcissistic abusive relationships? I would think your current therapist could even been a resource for finding help in that regard…it’s a specialization, really.
If it helps, the odds are good that with you gone, he’s out tomcatting and throwing his money around and he’s very likely to hook up with someone new. That’s usually the point where they’re the easiest to divorce, because the new hookup wants him single ASAP and he’ll be blinded by hormones. He’ll call it true love, of course…but who cares. If it gives you air cover while you get the hell out of there, all the better.
You’ve done well today. Keep on keeping on!
Macy, this is such textbook projection…
ah you’re effing psycho and you’re a liar. You can NEVER be trusted.
I don’t even know where to begin. It’s such a Narcissism 101 thing to do, to accuse the other person of exactly what he knows about himself.
I’m delighted you talked to the lawyer. Have you been able to connect with anyone who has expertise in therapy for women getting out of narcissistic abusive relationships? I would think your current therapist could even been a resource for finding help in that regard…it’s a specialization, really.
If it helps, the odds are good that with you gone, he’s out tomcatting and throwing his money around and he’s very likely to hook up with someone new. That’s usually the point where they’re the easiest to divorce, because the new hookup wants him single ASAP and he’ll be blinded by hormones. He’ll call it true love, of course…but who cares. If it gives you air cover while you get the hell out of there, all the better.
You’ve done well today. Keep on keeping on!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Macy.....I, too, have been concerned about you, and so glad that you posted. I am very relieved t know that you have taken a definitive action for your own welfare and that of your children.
I agree with Aries that he will probably be tomcatting around with abandon.... and, yes, that "it could give you some good air cover, as she suggests.
I do feel compelled to say that he may have an anger response when he gets served (what is new--it sounds like he is angry and mean to you all of the time).
It is recommended that during the separation time, it is very important to be vigilant and attend to your own safety.
Stick close to your lawyer and, I suggest that the dv workers can be very helpful to you, during this time. They can help you maintain safety and provide you with various services---from counseling to social services and help you to get a court advocate---if the need ever presents itself, down the line (they will accompany you and hold your hand and hep you to navigate the court system.
I think it is a big step for you to call the lawyer. Even though I know that you are afraid---you did it anyway!! Good for you, girl!
I agree with Aries that he will probably be tomcatting around with abandon.... and, yes, that "it could give you some good air cover, as she suggests.
I do feel compelled to say that he may have an anger response when he gets served (what is new--it sounds like he is angry and mean to you all of the time).
It is recommended that during the separation time, it is very important to be vigilant and attend to your own safety.
Stick close to your lawyer and, I suggest that the dv workers can be very helpful to you, during this time. They can help you maintain safety and provide you with various services---from counseling to social services and help you to get a court advocate---if the need ever presents itself, down the line (they will accompany you and hold your hand and hep you to navigate the court system.
I think it is a big step for you to call the lawyer. Even though I know that you are afraid---you did it anyway!! Good for you, girl!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Macy....another thought.....there are many youtube videos that may help you and give you comfort and valuable info.
Just google "Youtube videos about how a narcissist reacts when you leave".....you should find a variety of them on this subject.
Just google "Youtube videos about how a narcissist reacts when you leave".....you should find a variety of them on this subject.
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
Thanks you guys. My attorney is very aware of how he is and that he’s abusive. I only have last time to go on and my knowing him. Yes, he will be on the search for my replacement. No doubt. He always has back ups a plenty. That won’t make him go quietly however..... money is his most precious thing and the idea of “giving” me any, infuriates him more than any other thing besides me leaving. Or along with me leaving.
I won’t unblock him from my phone and I refuse to even open an email from him again. Just seeing his words, especially the mean ones, cause me to feel panic and fear and a rush of adrenaline. It’s hard to shake and then it’s hard to not respond to try and calm him down. I just can’t put myself up for it.
nothing changes if nothing changes right? So I have to change. Right now, that is the one change I must stick to and set as a standard for myself. I will not be talked to like that by him another day.
on a side, the only thing that bothers him emotionally is being ignored. As fleeting as “bothered” may be for him...... for a moment or two I imagine. Knowing that, I can get a small pleasure out of it..... immature as that may be.
because he cuts me off financially completely, my attorney will be asking for an emergency hearing for relief due to my son. This will make his blood boil but I have to do what I have to do. Without making my decisions on what he will be mad about and do or not do.
so it is. My daughter is thrilled. That makes me feel good.
I won’t unblock him from my phone and I refuse to even open an email from him again. Just seeing his words, especially the mean ones, cause me to feel panic and fear and a rush of adrenaline. It’s hard to shake and then it’s hard to not respond to try and calm him down. I just can’t put myself up for it.
nothing changes if nothing changes right? So I have to change. Right now, that is the one change I must stick to and set as a standard for myself. I will not be talked to like that by him another day.
on a side, the only thing that bothers him emotionally is being ignored. As fleeting as “bothered” may be for him...... for a moment or two I imagine. Knowing that, I can get a small pleasure out of it..... immature as that may be.
because he cuts me off financially completely, my attorney will be asking for an emergency hearing for relief due to my son. This will make his blood boil but I have to do what I have to do. Without making my decisions on what he will be mad about and do or not do.
so it is. My daughter is thrilled. That makes me feel good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
To anyone here whose waited for their loved one to find sobriety, I mean no disrespect in what I’m about to say....... maybe he will start drinking again real quick, that’ll be best, he will be far too preoccupied then. He was clearly faking recovery anyway for whatever self serving reason I’ll never know. And it’s not nice that I hope it, I know that.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Macy, no one, NO ONE should talk to another human the way he talks to you. Let alone someone he supposedly loves and misses sooo much and is his soulmate best friend blablabla.
You’re allowed any feeling you have, any revenge you can conjure, any strategy you can muster. You have the receipts, so to speak...use them. This is not the time to waste taking the high road because you know he won’t. Save decency for someone who deserves it.
It sounds like you have a good lawyer. Excellent.
Be safe, be strong, be well.
You’re allowed any feeling you have, any revenge you can conjure, any strategy you can muster. You have the receipts, so to speak...use them. This is not the time to waste taking the high road because you know he won’t. Save decency for someone who deserves it.
It sounds like you have a good lawyer. Excellent.
Be safe, be strong, be well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
macy....no worries about "not being nice". When dealing with a narcissist, it is good to remember that there are no stars in one's crown for being the the Nice Guy. The Nice Guy is the most l ikely to get screwed by the Narcissist.
Remember, that when in conflict with the Narcissist----Never, never let them see you sweat!
If you offer your hand, they will take your arm.
Remember, that when in conflict with the Narcissist----Never, never let them see you sweat!
If you offer your hand, they will take your arm.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,525
ah: "Like what? "Like an honest person?"
There's a difference between honesty and the truth Macy. He believes the garbage he says to you. He's being honest, but it's not the truth.
Stay strong.
There's a difference between honesty and the truth Macy. He believes the garbage he says to you. He's being honest, but it's not the truth.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
The best offense is a good defence. He doesn't have to reply to you in any meaningful way if he keeps up a tirade.
Psycho? You're psycho for asking him a perfectly legitimate question? Anyway, none of his rambling actually makes any sense.
I am so very glad you contacted the lawyer.
It is hard and it is scary and yes, I understand the adrenaline or sinking feeling reactions. Some of those things may stay with you for a while, whether it's the sound of someone coming to the door or coming home, a particular sound of something he always did (like the twisting off of a cap of a whiskey bottle). I'm sure you've noticed these things and with good counseling I'm sure you will find tools to help overcome that.
Psycho? You're psycho for asking him a perfectly legitimate question? Anyway, none of his rambling actually makes any sense.
I am so very glad you contacted the lawyer.
It is hard and it is scary and yes, I understand the adrenaline or sinking feeling reactions. Some of those things may stay with you for a while, whether it's the sound of someone coming to the door or coming home, a particular sound of something he always did (like the twisting off of a cap of a whiskey bottle). I'm sure you've noticed these things and with good counseling I'm sure you will find tools to help overcome that.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Periodically, a toxic person I eliminated from my life tries to come around again. Could be they ran out of material and are re-trying old conquests .
The way I avoid getting hoovered or hooked back in, is to not read or listen to ONE thing from them. They all believe in what they are saying and will come up with fancy arguments about why you should believe them.
At this stage in my life, I like simple answers. The answer to them is, "I DON'T CARE." I don't have to actually tell them "I don't care," just hearing it in my own head is sufficient.
Modern technology is a godsend. Block lists and spam folders do all the work for us.
The way I avoid getting hoovered or hooked back in, is to not read or listen to ONE thing from them. They all believe in what they are saying and will come up with fancy arguments about why you should believe them.
At this stage in my life, I like simple answers. The answer to them is, "I DON'T CARE." I don't have to actually tell them "I don't care," just hearing it in my own head is sufficient.
Modern technology is a godsend. Block lists and spam folders do all the work for us.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
That's good news Macyc.
I hope you never spend a moment feeling guilty that you have tolerated
enough abuse and can not tolerate anymore, ever. That is healthy.
So happy you are breaking free of this horrible man.
I hope you never spend a moment feeling guilty that you have tolerated
enough abuse and can not tolerate anymore, ever. That is healthy.
So happy you are breaking free of this horrible man.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I would stop texting with him. You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like he's trying, with his weird answers, to construct a false narrative of your life together. Unless it's about him picking up a child for visitation I wouldn't engage the crazy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
Thanks you guys, that’s an old text. I blocked him when I left. We don’t have anything to talk about including child visitation. Our daughter is old enough to speak for herself (she’s almost 17) and our son, he won’t be picking him up, he doesn’t know how to care for him. So even with children there’s nothing to discuss. Zero. Zip. Nada.
Our daughter blocked him over a year ago.
Our daughter blocked him over a year ago.
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