JessicaNAJ

My mom called me last night to tell me that something I had ordered for our Christmas party Saturday was at her house. She told me when she ordered this that we could possibly wrap it at her house. So when she called, I asked her if she was going to wrap it or did she want me to come pick it up. She got rude with me and said, no – I think you can pick it up. So I said l’d squeeze that into my busy schedule. Not meaning anything, just trying to tell her that I was busy and I’ll come get it when I get a chance. I told her I’ve barely even been home all week. She responded to that with, “Oh, I don’t even what to hear it.” “No, Mom, listen to me.” (Pleading now to try to get her to calm down.) I proceeded to tell her what I’ve been doing all week. Here’s the rundown….

Last Friday, Christmas party for work, then Wal-mart to buy for St. Nick, then worked on a presentation.
Saturday, Home Interior party at Sister, and then another Christmas party for work.
Sunday, stopped over my moms to visit for a little bit, went to my dad’s to pick up DVD player and a cd with video clip for presentation.
Monday, spent 4 hours after working 8 hours working on presentation, went to Al-Anon.
Tuesday, met with law firm was working on Presentation for and spent another 5 hours working on presentation (after working normal 8 hour day).
Wednesday, went to dinner with Grandparents after work (kids were with me....lol - they loved it) and then went to their house to help Grandma with some labels.
Lastnight, I was finally able to do laundry and clean the litterbox’s and basement.
Tonight, take the kids to get Christmas pictures done and then take them out to dinner (my day with kids since I haven’t seen them all week).

When I was done, I could tell she was tuning me out, she said, “I didn’t mean to inconvenience.” (really snotty) I told her I never said she was inconveniencing me. I can come get it after I get the kids pictures done. I wasn’t complaining to my mom and I told her that, I was trying to explain to her what was going on and why I said what I said. She’s always getting upset when I don’t talk to her cause I’m busy, now I am and she don’t want to hear it? No wonder I don’t/can't talk to her. She never wants to really hear about it.

My mom gets her feelings hurt really easy. I’m always on eggshells with her. I can remember when I was little, if I did anything to upset her, she’d go in her room and shut her door. I’d sit outside her room crying and apologizing and she’d just give me the silent treatment, for hours. I was only a kid!! I can’t imagine doing that to my kids.

Is it me? I’m starting to think I AM the one who has the problem. I run into brick walls everyway I turn.

Petunia

Jess,

They installed our buttons and they know how to push them. And we know how to push theirs too. But with the tools that you are assemblying you will be able to let her be the way she is going to be without trying to get her to act a certain way, or calm her down. Bottom line is that she is who she is and you don't have to be like her, if you choose not to be.

My father does similar things, and I am learning to accept that he doesn't want, or know how to be any different. Expecting him to act any other way than he consistently has (although not what I would define as healthy or pleasant) is not my thing to fix.

Let go for now. Leave her with her own anger and, if you can avoid picking it up yourself, please do. You've got enough going on taking care of your own feelings. She's going to have to take care of her's.

Hugs to you today...sounds like you need a good bubble bath and cup of tea tonight!

Peace,
Petunia

cwohio

jessica - in the past would you have rushed over and accomodated her request? you are getting on with your recovery and the others in your life may not be so of course they are going to react negatively.

take petunia's advice - get in that bubble bath!

Magichappens

My relationship with my mom is the hardest one I've had to deal with. Mr Magic has nothing on her. I have to remember that I learned my codieness somewhere. I was trained to fit the codieness of my family. So I have really had to work and struggle to find myself and be myself without asking them to try to understand.

I have become an inigma, wrapped in a puzzle to them. I don't know if they will ever have an understanding of me, because they can't get past how it effects them. Sort of codie, huh?

I have written and talked through this with many people. I have inventoried myself in this area. I have picked it apart. The work I have done has helped a lot. I realize today that my mom can't be who I need her to be, so I have found people who can meet those needs.

It is really hard to allow my mom to be her, and not try to make her who I want her to be. That little kid in me still feels lost, manipulated, and misunderstood when it comes to her. But slowly I am healing and changing and finding ways to comfort and encourage that kid. They say that it takes a long time to get the way we are, and a long time to get better. I have time. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

How do you get past the point of being so afraid to say anything that might hurt her feelings? That is my biggest fear with my mom/or anyone for that matter). I don't want to hurt her feelings or offend her in any way.

CrazyRed

How to you get past not hurting your own feelings by being in charge of how everyone else feels/reacts?

You seem to be breaking the cycle -big clap!- you go! It's not easy, your family is reacting the way they always have and you are choosing new ways to respond.....

Magichappens

With my mother, I had to decide that hurting her feelings was better than hurting myself. Actually, I seem to have been a disappointment most of my life, so at least this disappointment is helping one of us. If she gets her feelings hurt because I am taking care of me, that is her responsibility to deal with.

There is no way to avoid peoples feelings getting hurt when they try to push my boundaries. I have to draw the line somewhere. I think I'm pretty fair and somewhat flexible. But I MUST take care of me today. I don't want to go back to what I was like before. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

That's a tuff one. Does that make me insensative? I mean, after all my mother has done for us growing up, shouldn't I show her some appreciation, consideration and respect? I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time finding the line? I hear what your saying and I understand. I just don't know if I can do it. Maybe as I grow, I'll find the answers.

gelfling

If anything, you're too sensitive and she knows she can pull your strings and make you dance. Of course, our parents have gone through hell and high water for us, but it was part of responsibility of being a parent. Throwing that stuff up in our faces is a case for abuse. This all sounds to familiar and I know what you're feeling. ((((((((((Jess)))))))))))

Do you think she would respect and appreciate you if acted toward her the same way she does you? I don't think so.

Work your program sweeters.

Kathy

Magichappens

Jessica,
A parent's job is to prepare their children to be self sufficient, capable adults. Not to keep them dependant and crippled. I appreciate what my parents did for me growing up. They did a pretty good job. But emotionally, they weren't able to teach me how to live. I don't blame them for this, but I do have to learn to live now. If they continue to try to cripple me, whether it is intentional or not, I have to stop it. And I don't have to feel guilty for their choice to pursue my dependence.

It hurts their feelings that I have grown up and am taking care of myself. In order to please them, I would have to give up my own healthy adult life. Is that a reasonable request? Does it make me a bad daughter?

My mom has a right to live and feel as she chooses. If she chooses to feel hurt because I want to be healthy, I can't change that. Hugs, Magic

JessicaNAJ

Last night my mom called, I guess she had a change of thought (maybe something I said). She offered to wrap the package for me. I told her, "No, that's okay. I'll come get it after I get their pictures are done." Part of me wanted to say okay, because I knew that would make her happy and be easier on me, but the other part of me was saying - She didn't want to do it before and made me feel like s@#$, so I'm going to do it myself.


I forgot to tell you that when I said I would come pick it up, she asked if I was staying. (She was going to be wrapping presents.) I was going to visit for a bit, but since she was so rude on how she asked, I told her, "No" I'll come in, grab it and leave. (I almost told her I didn't want to inconvenience her....lol)

When I got there last night to pick it up, she said, "I was just joking when I said that. You can bring the kids in." I just told her that we were going out to eat and I really couldn't stay. I wasn't going to re-adjust me schedule to make her feel better about what she said to me.

My counselor wants to talk about my relationship with my mom. I mentioned to her that I watched my sister (12 at the time) holding my mom down because she was trying to OD on valumn. Maybe my whole CoDe issue started with her. She wasn't an addict of any sort, but she did and still does suffer from depression. She's always playing this "feel sorry for me game" with me and all my brothers and sisters.

I love my mom. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "You don't show me any appreciation." I tried to and nothing I did was good enough. So at the age of 15 I became rebelious (right around the time I met my AH). He was my scapegoat. I went to his house everyday. I hated being home. But I always made sure I made curfew because I didn't want to feel the "Rath" of my mom....lol

Who knew that 15 years later I'd end up here? Things are starting to come clearer everyday. The feedback I get from you all here help me to see things and put things into perspective. and It's amazing what kinda of thoughts come to mind when you start writing it out.

My mom would have a fit if I acted that way toward her. Somehow I have to learn to respect the way she is without letting it affect my decisions and actions.

Magichappens

Wow. You really held your own with her, keeping to your plans. Believe me, people might not react well to our changes at first, but they adjust. My parents are coming tomorrow for our "Christmas". They are going out of town for the holidays, so we are celebrating early. Even with recovery taking hold, and working through a lot of issues, this visit will be full of quicksand. I'll let you know how it goes. Hugs, Magic