Confusion, boundaries, sleepless nights - he makes my head spin
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Confusion, boundaries, sleepless nights - he makes my head spin
I need some advice. Can't keep doing this anymore.
In contrast to many other stories on here, mine isn't as horrible. I met my boyfriend Jack roughly 10 years ago. He was my mentor at work and we got along amazingly. Became friends fast. He was very fun to be around, but I could smell the alcohol on his breath every once in a while, and then more often, until he showed up to work visibly drunk most mornings. He finally admitted he had a problem when he got fired. Said he was ready for rehab. So we packed a bag and got him there.
At this point, even though we were friends, I didn't know a lot about him. I had no idea of his personal struggles and addiction issues because whenever we spent time together, be it at work or outside of work, he was cheerful, easygoing and a really great guy in general. He seemed well-adjusted and like he didn't have a problem in the world. Of course it was all just a facade.
He got out of rehab after about a month, stayed in therapy. He didn't drink again. We became closer and closer. I started to fall in love with him over the course of a few years. So eventually I broke up with my then-boyfriend (who was abusive) and finally confessed my feelings to Jack. For about a year, things were fantastic. We didn't fight. We didn't argue even once. Went on holidays together, had a great time. We talked about our feelings. I got to be with the person I loved most and it was honestly the best year of my life. He was so grounded, so down-to-earth. I was used to ALL the drama. It was so nice to be with an emotionally mature person. He made me feel like I was worth loving again.
And then, within a few weeks, it all came crashing down. His 5 year anniversary of being sober was coming up, and to celebrate we planned a nice long weekend getaway. He was oddly quiet in the days leading up to it, and wouldn't talk about what was bothering him. Then he changed our hotel reservations last second, switched to a different hotel without telling me why. We got there and there was a huge sign at the entrance, something like "the world's most famous hotel bar!" I asked why he chose this place and without missing a beat he told me "so we can get drunk every night without even leaving the house, of course!" And that's exactly what he did.
Since then, he hasn't been sober a single day.
I love him, but I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do changes anything. He has gone from being a loving, kind, funny boyfriend to being an obnoxious, depressed, manic idiot. We were talking about kids and marriage before, but now he can't even agree on whether or not he actually loves me. Often, he says I'm more like a sister. It crushes me.
I used to pretty much live with him (he owns a lovely house) but because of the drinking, I rarely go see him anymore. He becomes mean and obnoxious when he drinks. He gets into fights on the street and doesn't remember in the morning. He crosses all kinds of boundaries, won't let me sleep before morning, and he calls me every night, drunk and rambling, when I'm not with him.
I have sat him down many, many times to talk about it. But he doesn't see a problem. He says he's only alive when he's drinking. He says he won't stop. He thinks I'm being a nag, too dramatic, a control freak now. He rarely acts as if he even likes me. He only talks about himself now. He doesn't care about me or my life anymore. I mean, he does care, but it's buried beneath all the obnoxious comments and helplessness. He hates himself but he won't stop.
The worst thing at the moment are his memory problems. He often recalls conversations differently than they happened, and this leads to loads of disappointment on both sides.
The second worst thing is how he pushes my boundaries like whoa when he's drinking. For example, he won't let me sleep. I'll go to bed and he'll follow, talking constantly about nonsense, acting like a clown, singing, dancing. I'll lock the door and he'll stand at the door, singing through it as loudly as he can, or drumming patterns on the wood.
He never remembers this in the morning. When he does come to bed, he'll sing and shout even in his sleep so that I can't sleep and will leave. I've asked him to not bring alcohol to my place when he visits, but he ignores it and I can't just throw him out every time, can I? Usually he acts as if he didn't bring any until suddenly, he'll pull a wine bottle from god knows where and acts like it's a magic trick. "Whoops, what is this? A bottle of wine? Awesome! Time to drink!" He doesn't take me serious with this, at all.
We've broken up with each other countless times, but - he forgets. A year ago, HE broke up with me, saying he can't love me (while he was drunk of course). Next morning, he doesn't remember. I tell him and he doesn't believe me. Then, I broke up with him, because the emotional rollercoaster was getting too unbearable. He forgot that happened too. We didn't see each other for about a month, then he suddenly called and acted as if I'd been avoiding him for some weird reason, acting all hurt and confused. I told him I broke up with him, and he said "nonsense! that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You love me too much and I love you too much. And anyways, I don't remember it at all, you must have imagined it." And that was it. And no, it wasn't gaslighting - he really doesn't remember. He doesn't remember many, many things.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be with him while he's drunk. I can't stand it. And sleep is so important. But I don't want to live this life without him either. He needs help. He needs to stop. But he won't until it's something he wants.
In contrast to many other stories on here, mine isn't as horrible. I met my boyfriend Jack roughly 10 years ago. He was my mentor at work and we got along amazingly. Became friends fast. He was very fun to be around, but I could smell the alcohol on his breath every once in a while, and then more often, until he showed up to work visibly drunk most mornings. He finally admitted he had a problem when he got fired. Said he was ready for rehab. So we packed a bag and got him there.
At this point, even though we were friends, I didn't know a lot about him. I had no idea of his personal struggles and addiction issues because whenever we spent time together, be it at work or outside of work, he was cheerful, easygoing and a really great guy in general. He seemed well-adjusted and like he didn't have a problem in the world. Of course it was all just a facade.
He got out of rehab after about a month, stayed in therapy. He didn't drink again. We became closer and closer. I started to fall in love with him over the course of a few years. So eventually I broke up with my then-boyfriend (who was abusive) and finally confessed my feelings to Jack. For about a year, things were fantastic. We didn't fight. We didn't argue even once. Went on holidays together, had a great time. We talked about our feelings. I got to be with the person I loved most and it was honestly the best year of my life. He was so grounded, so down-to-earth. I was used to ALL the drama. It was so nice to be with an emotionally mature person. He made me feel like I was worth loving again.
And then, within a few weeks, it all came crashing down. His 5 year anniversary of being sober was coming up, and to celebrate we planned a nice long weekend getaway. He was oddly quiet in the days leading up to it, and wouldn't talk about what was bothering him. Then he changed our hotel reservations last second, switched to a different hotel without telling me why. We got there and there was a huge sign at the entrance, something like "the world's most famous hotel bar!" I asked why he chose this place and without missing a beat he told me "so we can get drunk every night without even leaving the house, of course!" And that's exactly what he did.
Since then, he hasn't been sober a single day.
I love him, but I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do changes anything. He has gone from being a loving, kind, funny boyfriend to being an obnoxious, depressed, manic idiot. We were talking about kids and marriage before, but now he can't even agree on whether or not he actually loves me. Often, he says I'm more like a sister. It crushes me.
I used to pretty much live with him (he owns a lovely house) but because of the drinking, I rarely go see him anymore. He becomes mean and obnoxious when he drinks. He gets into fights on the street and doesn't remember in the morning. He crosses all kinds of boundaries, won't let me sleep before morning, and he calls me every night, drunk and rambling, when I'm not with him.
I have sat him down many, many times to talk about it. But he doesn't see a problem. He says he's only alive when he's drinking. He says he won't stop. He thinks I'm being a nag, too dramatic, a control freak now. He rarely acts as if he even likes me. He only talks about himself now. He doesn't care about me or my life anymore. I mean, he does care, but it's buried beneath all the obnoxious comments and helplessness. He hates himself but he won't stop.
The worst thing at the moment are his memory problems. He often recalls conversations differently than they happened, and this leads to loads of disappointment on both sides.
The second worst thing is how he pushes my boundaries like whoa when he's drinking. For example, he won't let me sleep. I'll go to bed and he'll follow, talking constantly about nonsense, acting like a clown, singing, dancing. I'll lock the door and he'll stand at the door, singing through it as loudly as he can, or drumming patterns on the wood.
He never remembers this in the morning. When he does come to bed, he'll sing and shout even in his sleep so that I can't sleep and will leave. I've asked him to not bring alcohol to my place when he visits, but he ignores it and I can't just throw him out every time, can I? Usually he acts as if he didn't bring any until suddenly, he'll pull a wine bottle from god knows where and acts like it's a magic trick. "Whoops, what is this? A bottle of wine? Awesome! Time to drink!" He doesn't take me serious with this, at all.
We've broken up with each other countless times, but - he forgets. A year ago, HE broke up with me, saying he can't love me (while he was drunk of course). Next morning, he doesn't remember. I tell him and he doesn't believe me. Then, I broke up with him, because the emotional rollercoaster was getting too unbearable. He forgot that happened too. We didn't see each other for about a month, then he suddenly called and acted as if I'd been avoiding him for some weird reason, acting all hurt and confused. I told him I broke up with him, and he said "nonsense! that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You love me too much and I love you too much. And anyways, I don't remember it at all, you must have imagined it." And that was it. And no, it wasn't gaslighting - he really doesn't remember. He doesn't remember many, many things.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be with him while he's drunk. I can't stand it. And sleep is so important. But I don't want to live this life without him either. He needs help. He needs to stop. But he won't until it's something he wants.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Prettyfractals (love your user name), this is who he is now. The alcohol has taken over. From what you’ve posted, he’s at a fairly advanced stage, as well…this is not going to get better. It’s almost like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers…the shell is there but the person inside is mostly gone.
Given that, and given that he seems perfectly content with his state, can you live with it, especially knowing the trajectory leads down? He’s going to start having consequences soon…he may lose that house, he may hurt someone badly enough to end up in jail, he may get sued for everything if he drives drunk and causes an accident, he may have significant health problems. He’s already displaying some of the symptoms of alcoholic brain changes (look up “wet brain”). You’ll become his caregiver, not his girlfriend.
I wonder if he hasn’t also started taking something else, as well as alcohol? Mania isn’t usually associated with alcoholism, but other drugs are.
This is heartbreaking for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you’re right, nothing you do will change anything. Destroying your own health won’t fix his.
I hope you’ll read some of the other threads on this forum and understand how many people have been exactly where you are. You’re not alone and I hope you can find some small comfort in that.
Given that, and given that he seems perfectly content with his state, can you live with it, especially knowing the trajectory leads down? He’s going to start having consequences soon…he may lose that house, he may hurt someone badly enough to end up in jail, he may get sued for everything if he drives drunk and causes an accident, he may have significant health problems. He’s already displaying some of the symptoms of alcoholic brain changes (look up “wet brain”). You’ll become his caregiver, not his girlfriend.
Nothing I do changes anything. He has gone from being a loving, kind, funny boyfriend to being an obnoxious, depressed, manic idiot.
This is heartbreaking for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you’re right, nothing you do will change anything. Destroying your own health won’t fix his.
I hope you’ll read some of the other threads on this forum and understand how many people have been exactly where you are. You’re not alone and I hope you can find some small comfort in that.
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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Thank you, @Ariesagain . That's really what it feels like. As if he's been replaced by some darker counterpart. I try not to enable him, but I do understand that simply not sticking up for myself and enforcing my boundaries is already enabling.
Yeah the mania thing is very odd. He does smoke weed too, but it's really the alcohol that pushes him. No other drugs involved. He talks a mile a minute, runs around, starts yelling, singing, making odd sounds. He won't sleep. He stays up till sunrise every night and then only gets around 3-4 hours of sleep, at most.
It wouldn't be so devastating if he didn't demand my constant attention. It makes me dizzy, the way he talks and acts. He gets annoyed if he notices he doesn't have my full attention. And he just can't stop himself from talking. We both love music and have the very same taste, but we can't listen to music together anymore AT ALL because he now talks about the music as it's playing. So he shouts over the music, rambling about his opinion on it and interpretation, and it's impossible for me to even listen to it. Same goes for movies. Can't watch those either as he talks over the whole thing. He just never stops talking anymore.
I've somewhat come to terms with everything. I know I can't change it. So I've largely given up on the relationship. But I don't want him to die, alone, depressed. I want to be there for him. But I have no idea how to do that. If I distance myself, he ignores it, or forgets about the reason. I'm currently reading through the posts on here, and I already feel less alone. Thank you for being here.
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edit: he actually doesn't drink a lot, quantity-wise. His doctor says the amounts aren't concerning but the frequency is. On most nights, the average is 4-6 beers, or 1 1/2 bottle of wine.
Yeah the mania thing is very odd. He does smoke weed too, but it's really the alcohol that pushes him. No other drugs involved. He talks a mile a minute, runs around, starts yelling, singing, making odd sounds. He won't sleep. He stays up till sunrise every night and then only gets around 3-4 hours of sleep, at most.
It wouldn't be so devastating if he didn't demand my constant attention. It makes me dizzy, the way he talks and acts. He gets annoyed if he notices he doesn't have my full attention. And he just can't stop himself from talking. We both love music and have the very same taste, but we can't listen to music together anymore AT ALL because he now talks about the music as it's playing. So he shouts over the music, rambling about his opinion on it and interpretation, and it's impossible for me to even listen to it. Same goes for movies. Can't watch those either as he talks over the whole thing. He just never stops talking anymore.
I've somewhat come to terms with everything. I know I can't change it. So I've largely given up on the relationship. But I don't want him to die, alone, depressed. I want to be there for him. But I have no idea how to do that. If I distance myself, he ignores it, or forgets about the reason. I'm currently reading through the posts on here, and I already feel less alone. Thank you for being here.
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edit: he actually doesn't drink a lot, quantity-wise. His doctor says the amounts aren't concerning but the frequency is. On most nights, the average is 4-6 beers, or 1 1/2 bottle of wine.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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It sounds like there might be another pathology at work here behind the alcohol addiction. The thing is, though, this is working for him, or he believes it is. So nothing will change because, in his mind, why should it?
It’s really up to you whether you want to keep doing this. You’re not his prisoner. If he’s only drinking the amount you say, (which I wonder about, that may only be what you see him drinking, and if that’s what he’s owned up to with his doctor that usually means it’s only a fraction), then why would you conclude that if he’s not with you, he’ll die alone and depressed? For a guy with money, there are always people around who are more than happy to drink with him, especially if he’s buying.
If you choose to end the relationship, you block him. You don’t try to be “friends”… or “try to be there for him.” That just leads back to codependency. Been there, bought a lot of tee shirts. You have agency…just because he doesn’t remember you broke up, it doesn’t change the fact that you broke up.
Bottom line: this won’t change and it doesn’t matter what you do or say. Now, what do you want?
But he doesn't see a problem. He says he's only alive when he's drinking. He says he won't stop.
If you choose to end the relationship, you block him. You don’t try to be “friends”… or “try to be there for him.” That just leads back to codependency. Been there, bought a lot of tee shirts. You have agency…just because he doesn’t remember you broke up, it doesn’t change the fact that you broke up.
Bottom line: this won’t change and it doesn’t matter what you do or say. Now, what do you want?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I think Aries is right about other drugs - as I was reading your description of how crazy he is acting, I kept thinking this sounds like an out of control meth user. Its possible drug use came in the mix after he got out of rehab & started to really change for the worse.
I am not saying he doesn't also have a wicked bad drinking problem.
I know from my own experience everything can be all fun times with our addicts. That is until one day the wheels come off the tracks. It can happen suddenly without warning. Can happen repeatedly. Major train wrecks. It sucks, but there was honestly nothing I could do to stop any of it. Those same type of train wrecks are still happening today with her. I am long out of that picture.
I am not saying he doesn't also have a wicked bad drinking problem.
I know from my own experience everything can be all fun times with our addicts. That is until one day the wheels come off the tracks. It can happen suddenly without warning. Can happen repeatedly. Major train wrecks. It sucks, but there was honestly nothing I could do to stop any of it. Those same type of train wrecks are still happening today with her. I am long out of that picture.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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Sorry you are having this play out in front of you, I sadly watched my late husband have his mental and physical health destroyed by alcohol. So very sad. Very hard to be around too. I feel my actual husband died many years before his body did.
It sounds exhausting for you. Thinking of you and sending understanding hugs.
It sounds exhausting for you. Thinking of you and sending understanding hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by prettyfractals 
I've asked him to not bring alcohol to my place when he visits, but he ignores it and I can't just throw him out every time, can I?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by prettyfractals
he actually doesn't drink a lot, quantity-wise. His doctor says the amounts aren't concerning but the frequency is. On most nights, the average is 4-6 beers, or 1 1/2 bottle of wine.
1.5 bottles of wine is just over 10 standard drinks. So he's way exceeding any guidelines for "moderate" drinking.
All that is really an aside though, he's an alcoholic, he can't control his drinking and never will be able to unless he commits to recovery and stops drinking.
You know, sometimes when we are in a dysfunctional relationship we can become so isolated from "normal" that the dysfunction starts to seem normal. You broke up with him and a month later he calls you and says he can't remember? That's so odd.
So let's say he was in blackout (which is entirely possible) and he did forget, why didn't he contact you for a month? It's easy to make excuses for horrible behaviour, when you care about a person and I know you do care about him, but it's probably not a good thing for you. He was probably just enjoying drinking with no restraints.
As for not wanting him to possibly crumble alone, well you have no control over that really. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He is erratic. It could be a different drug, it could be a mental health issue. Please protect yourself and your feelings. You aren't his caregiver, he is going to do whatever he is going to do. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.
He is who he is right now, today, not who he was a year ago. Acceptance of that is key.
What do you want for yourself?
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
"If you choose to end the relationship, you block him. You don’t try to be 'friends'… or 'try to be there for him.' That just leads back to codependency. Been there, bought a lot of tee shirts." This made me giggle ("Been there, bought a lot of tee shirts."). I love your posts, AriesAgain.
I tried to "be there for him" (for my own ex) without going no contact and ... that didn't work. Every time I saw him or heard from him, it just brought up significant longing, pain, sadness, hurt. It just re-started my whole recovery. I know everyone's situation is different and everyone's abilities/strengths/weaknesses are different. But, for me, going "no contact" was the only thing that worked because I lacked the ability to turn off all my care if/when my ex contacted me. Any type of contact just brought me down to incredible depths of hurt and unworthiness. I feel I have healed significantly since going no contact. I am going forwards, not backwards.
I tried to "be there for him" (for my own ex) without going no contact and ... that didn't work. Every time I saw him or heard from him, it just brought up significant longing, pain, sadness, hurt. It just re-started my whole recovery. I know everyone's situation is different and everyone's abilities/strengths/weaknesses are different. But, for me, going "no contact" was the only thing that worked because I lacked the ability to turn off all my care if/when my ex contacted me. Any type of contact just brought me down to incredible depths of hurt and unworthiness. I feel I have healed significantly since going no contact. I am going forwards, not backwards.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
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prettyfractals,
Sorry you're dealing with this. We can't tell you what you should do here, but be advised he won’t change unless he decides he wants to change. You have no control over his drinking at all. You only have control over how you respond to it. I strongly recommend getting out. Sorry, I hate to seem so blunt. I had a similar situation with my ex fiancé. I left. After several stints in rehab, he coudn't shake his habits. His actions were making me ill. I had to think about me, just like you have to think about you.
You need to decide what you can tolerate, and that will decide what you should do. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this? In the event he's unable go sober (and chances are, he won't), ask yourself if it's something you (and possibly future children) can live with for the rest of your life. Good choices are rarely easy. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. This community has your back - stay active in it!
Sorry you're dealing with this. We can't tell you what you should do here, but be advised he won’t change unless he decides he wants to change. You have no control over his drinking at all. You only have control over how you respond to it. I strongly recommend getting out. Sorry, I hate to seem so blunt. I had a similar situation with my ex fiancé. I left. After several stints in rehab, he coudn't shake his habits. His actions were making me ill. I had to think about me, just like you have to think about you.
You need to decide what you can tolerate, and that will decide what you should do. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this? In the event he's unable go sober (and chances are, he won't), ask yourself if it's something you (and possibly future children) can live with for the rest of your life. Good choices are rarely easy. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. This community has your back - stay active in it!
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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It's been a rough 2 months. Starting to realize more and more that I come very much second to his One True Love, the booze. I've only seen him 2 times since my last post here. He's been spending time with everyone but me, and I've been avoiding him, figuring he might come to his senses at least a little bit if he misses me. But does he miss me? I don't know.
We had a fight again. It was less a fight and more a pitiful attempt to figure out where the heck we are and what I am to him. Before, I thought I knew, but now? He keeps talking about death. Keeps talking about how he won't be there anymore in 10 years. Keeps telling me I should go and find a better boyfriend because he's the wrong man for that job.
If I leave, I won't have anything to remember him by. Just the memories. As if he was never really there. He used to tell me I'm the ghost in his life, but I think he's the ghost. The first night I stayed with him, I left my toothbrush right next to his. It always stayed there, was always a reminder of my existence with him. The last time I saw him, my toothbrush was gone. I asked about it, because I knew he hadn't missed its meaning. He shrugged. "Don't know. Must've thrown it away while cleaning or something." And that was it.
I keep having nightmares. We never wanted to have children because we knew better, but we talked about having kids. I always thought he'd make an amazing father, and great husband. Now, I have nightmares about him leaving the second I tell him I'm pregnant with his child. In my dreams it plays out, over and over again. No, we aren't ever going to have a child together, no worries.
I just feel... I feel lost. I've never wanted more than he wanted to give me, but now it feels like I lied to myself.
edit: I told him how I feel through an angry letter (not my proudest moment for sure), but while he at first said he was shook by it and needs time to process, he then went on to forget all about it apparently. Nothing's changed, of course.
We had a fight again. It was less a fight and more a pitiful attempt to figure out where the heck we are and what I am to him. Before, I thought I knew, but now? He keeps talking about death. Keeps talking about how he won't be there anymore in 10 years. Keeps telling me I should go and find a better boyfriend because he's the wrong man for that job.
If I leave, I won't have anything to remember him by. Just the memories. As if he was never really there. He used to tell me I'm the ghost in his life, but I think he's the ghost. The first night I stayed with him, I left my toothbrush right next to his. It always stayed there, was always a reminder of my existence with him. The last time I saw him, my toothbrush was gone. I asked about it, because I knew he hadn't missed its meaning. He shrugged. "Don't know. Must've thrown it away while cleaning or something." And that was it.
I keep having nightmares. We never wanted to have children because we knew better, but we talked about having kids. I always thought he'd make an amazing father, and great husband. Now, I have nightmares about him leaving the second I tell him I'm pregnant with his child. In my dreams it plays out, over and over again. No, we aren't ever going to have a child together, no worries.
I just feel... I feel lost. I've never wanted more than he wanted to give me, but now it feels like I lied to myself.
edit: I told him how I feel through an angry letter (not my proudest moment for sure), but while he at first said he was shook by it and needs time to process, he then went on to forget all about it apparently. Nothing's changed, of course.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Prettyfractals, I'm sorry for your heartache. I just read through this chain so I could understand your story. I see a lot of my story in yours, the behaviors, the conversations, and it's all such sad waste. It's hard to move on from something like this, there's grief of what and who you lost. You've managed to get through the worst immediacy of it, just be kind to yourself for a while.
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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My asshat ex always said, "We choose the love we think we deserve." He was a piece of work, but I think he was right there. I don't really know how to be kind to myself anymore. Logically, I know what to do - but I can't make it happen. I'm still waiting for a miracle.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by prettyfractals
My asshat ex always said, "We choose the love we think we deserve." He was a piece of work, but I think he was right there. I don't really know how to be kind to myself anymore. Logically, I know what to do - but I can't make it happen. I'm still waiting for a miracle.
I saw a great pyramid diagram in an article about codependency, and there were several layers in the middle, where codependent behaviors and relationships are shed and then the codie feels an emptiness until those spaces are filled with healthy behaviors and relationships. It might take some time, so be gentle with yourself and your expectations (we get that insistence for perfectionism from our codependency thinking). As you fill your life with healthy habits, do nurturing things for yourself, eventually you will build a life that does represent who you really are, and that is when you will start building better friendships, attracting people who are more like you.
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Originally Posted by prettyfractals
If I leave, I won't have anything to remember him by. Just the memories. As if he was never really there. He used to tell me I'm the ghost in his life, but I think he's the ghost. The first night I stayed with him, I left my toothbrush right next to his. It always stayed there, was always a reminder of my existence with him. The last time I saw him, my toothbrush was gone. I asked about it, because I knew he hadn't missed its meaning. He shrugged. "Don't know. Must've thrown it away while cleaning or something." And that was it.
Obviously he is not in the same realm you are.
Keeps telling me I should go and find a better boyfriend because he's the wrong man for that job.
Is that the partner you want?
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Join Date: Jun 2021
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Is that the truth! In fact I think he is telling the truth here, he knows he can't give you what you want/need. He's not changing, he is going to continue to hang out with his one true love (alcohol).
Is that the partner you want?
Is that the partner you want?
I'm trying to find a balance. Somewhere between offering him support and not letting him walk all over me.
Right now, there's only silence. We haven't seen each other at all in the past weeks, just talked on the phone or texted. It's not going well. He once again drunk-called me last night, and I once again told him I won't talk to him when he's like this. He didn't take it too well. Told me to come get my stuff, "goodbye prettyfractals, thanks for the good times, was nice knowing you" - and hung up the phone.
I figured it was a knee-jerk reaction (he doesn't do well with frustration lately) and sure enough, he continued texting after as if nothing happened. I declined to comment, and since then, he's been quiet. I want nothing more than to reach out and talk to him, but it's entirely useless. He won't listen. He won't understand. He won't care. It doesn't matter what I do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by prettyfractals
No, of course not. But - he isn't being the person he wants to be either.
I'm trying to find a balance. Somewhere between offering him support and not letting him walk all over me.
I'm trying to find a balance. Somewhere between offering him support and not letting him walk all over me.
Offering support, what he really needs is professional support - and not letting him walk all over you. Well, he seems to want to do that, unless you stand strong in your boundaries (yes, have him leave when he shows up with that bottle of wine).
I want nothing more than to reach out and talk to him, but it's entirely useless. He won't listen. He won't understand. He won't care. It doesn't matter what I do.
I know it's very sad and I know you don't want to make the decision to have him out of your life, but that is really what it boils down to. I think it's really important to know that if we choose to be around someone we either accept them just the way they are or we choose to overlook those things that bother us. That's it, there is no other way (short of making yourself sad, anxious, depressed, worried).
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
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Originally Posted by prettyfractals
I'm trying to find a balance. Somewhere between offering him support and not letting him walk all over me.
Every recovering alcoholic who is sincere and serious about their program does not require the support of loved ones. They know where to go for real and beneficial support. Likewise, any time that I am offering support, I'm already off balance. I'm out of my lane. I've got my nose where it doesn't belong. There's no balance here, there's just my business and none of my business.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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I am so sorry to be late to this thread. I'm sure there are many fine comments I will not take the time to read now.
All I can say to your OP is WOW. Just WOW.
I have to compliment you on holding yourself together and not going down his rabbit hole as far as many of us have with ex's.
Without offering you any advice about what to do, all I can say is that I have NO REGRETS at the addicts I severed ties with over the years. If anything, I regret not doing it sooner.
All I can say to your OP is WOW. Just WOW.
I have to compliment you on holding yourself together and not going down his rabbit hole as far as many of us have with ex's.
Without offering you any advice about what to do, all I can say is that I have NO REGRETS at the addicts I severed ties with over the years. If anything, I regret not doing it sooner.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Prettyfractals it's so sad to read your post. So much of your experience is very similar to mine with my ex and to so many other stories on this forum.
I am coming up to a year of no contact with my ex. He has continued on his path and will continue on this path with or without me in his life. My presence makes no difference.
A year on, I dream less about his death, I worry less about him. I have created space in my life for healthier pursuits and am no longer consumed by his dramas. My life is peaceful.
Your boyfriend is an adult, he's a grown man. Leave him to it. Look after yourself. It takes time to find yourself again after being so wrapped up in trying to stop him getting so lost.
Facing ourselves is much harder than trying to save someone else but it is so much more rewarding.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Your happiness does not depend on him, it depends on you. Ask yourself, what qualities does he really bring to your life?
At the moment he does not have the capacity to provide you with all the love, fun and security that he did before. How can you provide those things for yourself?
I am coming up to a year of no contact with my ex. He has continued on his path and will continue on this path with or without me in his life. My presence makes no difference.
A year on, I dream less about his death, I worry less about him. I have created space in my life for healthier pursuits and am no longer consumed by his dramas. My life is peaceful.
Your boyfriend is an adult, he's a grown man. Leave him to it. Look after yourself. It takes time to find yourself again after being so wrapped up in trying to stop him getting so lost.
Facing ourselves is much harder than trying to save someone else but it is so much more rewarding.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
Your happiness does not depend on him, it depends on you. Ask yourself, what qualities does he really bring to your life?
At the moment he does not have the capacity to provide you with all the love, fun and security that he did before. How can you provide those things for yourself?
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