Gb66

My AH has never had a great relationship with our 2 kids, 19 and 21. The 19 year old has physical health issues and we are also waiting to get some pretty significant test results for him. The 21 year old is recovering from some severe mental health issues and as a result of all this, any plans for me to leave AH have been put on hold.

Our sons girlfriend has been a weekly visitor in our home for 9 months and while we haven't met our daughters boyfriend yet, she did have a boyfriend for 2 years previously. My husband has never had a conversation with or shown any interest in them. It seems he can barely look at them or say hi. We could all be in a car together and he says nothing. It has nothing to do with him having a hard time with our kids growing up etc. He knows exactly what they are doing (same as we were at their age!) and yet he is so disrespectful, uncomfortable, rude or something when they are around! Our daughters new boyfriend lives a couple hours away and will be coming to visit at some point and my AH doesn't want him staying with us because he thinks it would be weird.

I feel like he has become antisocial and this is all part of him not being able to deal with anything other than his drinking.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Dee74

Hi GB

By the end of my 20 year drinking career, I definitely became more insular and withdrawn and anti social - the only time I came alive was when I was drinking.

Whether this is whats happening with your husband or not tho is hard to say.

Its also true some Dads have real trouble relating to/accepting their kids boyfriends....maybe with girlfriends too.

D

dandylion

When I was growing up. my parents would never, never have let me co-habit, in the family home, before marriage--no matter what the age.
Neither did my kids, when they were that age. It never happened because they knew to never even ask!....lol.

trailmix

My child never asked either. The answer would have been no, maybe that's why lol - actually I believe it's because they knew everyone would be uncomfortable.

I actually get where he's coming from on this. Did anyone ask what he thought or whether he was ok with it beforehand?

I mean some people are, you are, I'm not judging at all, just some people aren't and I understand both takes on it.

velma929

My parents wouldn't have allowed us to cohabit with lovers in their home. We knew not to even ask. Occasionally a boyfriend DID stay overnight - in the spare room.

As for the general withdrawal: Late AH didn't like anything that interfered with his consumption of alcohol, though I suspect toward the end, he wouldn't have cared what anyone thought and would have drunk himself into a stupor, anyway.

Gb66

Thanks for your replies and actually, we wouldn't have allowed them to share a room.
It just seems like AH can't be nice to the kids friends, like they aren't worth his time. I don't know why he feels like this or why it would be ackward to have the bf visit for a few hours and hang out and swim in the backyard. I guess he could be withdrawing from people who aren't his drinking buddies.
I guess I will know more in a week or two when we meet the new guy

trailmix

Ah interesting. So what's he like with other people, does anyone else drop around at all?

And yes, many alcoholics withdraw, they really just want to drink. I think some of it can just be personality type, but if you read the Newcomers to Recovery forum I've seen many say that after a while they would just stay home and drink, alone.

Caramel

I'm sorry for these difficulties, Gb66.

If he has never had a great relationship with his own children I wonder if there's more to it than becoming "antisocial".

Has he ever got on well with anybody?

Gb66

AH has always been that fun, entertaining, life of the party kind of guy. When he is with just family, he is much quieter. He is one of those guys whose brain never shuts off so I find he often either isn't paying attention to what is going on around him or, if he is involved, he is being very serious and trying to teach the kids lessons (which they hate). He doesn't seem to see them as people who are fun. When we get together with friends he is still entertaining but sometimes it can turn to anger and frustration. He is very opinionated.
Honestly, I think he just doesn't want to put effort into being nice to the kids friends. I can't think of a reason other than the alcohol has changed him.

Steely

Drinkers do withdraw. I did.

Even thought maybe he feels threatened by another male in the house?

I cant see anything wrong in him staying over in spare room. A couple of hours is a long drive.

trailmix

Well if he doesn't see them as people, who knows what he makes of their friends! If he can't communicate with his own children, seems to me there is no way he would know what to say to their friends.