After many years, is it ever time to not ignore them
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
After many years, is it ever time to not ignore them
Once upon a time, I found my way to this site. It served as an amazing site, for me.
I have come a long long way, learned so much and have had a healing crisis that set me on a very healing journey. this group was instrumental in learning about what I was dealing with, both with the addict and also about myself. I appreciate you all.
My ex was (is) and alcoholic, narcissist and borderline personality disorder. It was very abusive and best thing ever was to remove myself from this person. I've done a lot of work on myself through therapy, reading, self reflection etc. It took time and lots of love and support of some good friends.
I haven't seen or heard from him for years. He moved on with a classmate of ours and to the best of my knowledge, they are still together. I'm so glad its not me.
I ignored any attempt to reach out, which honestly weren't many, and ignored his facebook friend request. Best thing ever was no contact. It helped get distance and helped with the healing
Its been over 4 years since I've seen him and today we crossed paths in a parking lot walking in the opposite direction. He did not look well, which is no surprise.
He said "hello there".
It's a hot day, wind blowing. I didn't break stride and just walked past him as though I didn't see or hear him. My message: he doesn't matter to me
But then I thought. Is there a next step? Does one continue ignoring him? Be clear, I do not want to invite him back into my life in any capacity. I don't want to pretend like I like him. I have no respect for him. It's about self care.
At some point does ignoring him, give the wrong message. For instance, does it give the message that I am still hurt. which imply's I still care.
I can't control his thoughts or reactions to life, nor do I want to.
But is there a time that one would respond in a different way. And if so, how would that look? One that is, I've moved on message and I don't think about you and I don't have interest in chatting with you
Thank you for listening
I have come a long long way, learned so much and have had a healing crisis that set me on a very healing journey. this group was instrumental in learning about what I was dealing with, both with the addict and also about myself. I appreciate you all.
My ex was (is) and alcoholic, narcissist and borderline personality disorder. It was very abusive and best thing ever was to remove myself from this person. I've done a lot of work on myself through therapy, reading, self reflection etc. It took time and lots of love and support of some good friends.
I haven't seen or heard from him for years. He moved on with a classmate of ours and to the best of my knowledge, they are still together. I'm so glad its not me.
I ignored any attempt to reach out, which honestly weren't many, and ignored his facebook friend request. Best thing ever was no contact. It helped get distance and helped with the healing
Its been over 4 years since I've seen him and today we crossed paths in a parking lot walking in the opposite direction. He did not look well, which is no surprise.
He said "hello there".
It's a hot day, wind blowing. I didn't break stride and just walked past him as though I didn't see or hear him. My message: he doesn't matter to me
But then I thought. Is there a next step? Does one continue ignoring him? Be clear, I do not want to invite him back into my life in any capacity. I don't want to pretend like I like him. I have no respect for him. It's about self care.
At some point does ignoring him, give the wrong message. For instance, does it give the message that I am still hurt. which imply's I still care.
I can't control his thoughts or reactions to life, nor do I want to.
But is there a time that one would respond in a different way. And if so, how would that look? One that is, I've moved on message and I don't think about you and I don't have interest in chatting with you
Thank you for listening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
How you choose to respond to him, now and in the future, is entirely about you and not any message he may or may not receive.
Today, you choose not to engage with someone who was once very dangerous to you, because you have learned that any opening could lead to potential harm.
Maybe one day you will see him differently, and you will respond differently. Maybe that day will never come. Today, you made the right choice for you and that's really all that matters.
Today, you choose not to engage with someone who was once very dangerous to you, because you have learned that any opening could lead to potential harm.
Maybe one day you will see him differently, and you will respond differently. Maybe that day will never come. Today, you made the right choice for you and that's really all that matters.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TLC........my suggestion---stop trying to analyze what is going through his mind, or not. Your main goal of having him out of your life in any meaningful way has been/iis your goal. To worry about the inside of his mind or how you are "supposed" to react to him, sort of smacks of some co-dependency don't you think?
Personally, I think it is o.k. if you didn't speak or if you did speak. Nothing earth shattering either way.
I know it is kind of like an electric shock to your psyche when you see someone after a long time, like that. It has happened to me a few times. But, it passes.
Sometimes, I even say "hello" back, to relative strangers, on the street, when they speak to me. No biggie.
Of course, I think that we both agree that it is not a good thing to aggressively invite one of our tormentors back into our life.
Personally, I think it is o.k. if you didn't speak or if you did speak. Nothing earth shattering either way.
I know it is kind of like an electric shock to your psyche when you see someone after a long time, like that. It has happened to me a few times. But, it passes.
Sometimes, I even say "hello" back, to relative strangers, on the street, when they speak to me. No biggie.
Of course, I think that we both agree that it is not a good thing to aggressively invite one of our tormentors back into our life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
Yes Dandylion,
it is a bit of an electric shock to the system to see an aggressor from the past (in this case more of an electric ping). I felt good to walk past him.
And you are right, thinking about how he is to react, is a bit reminiscent of the co-dependency behavior. Of which I was heavily entrenched. I am grateful for the opportunity to incorporate deeper, lessons learned. Thanks for calling that out, it quickly helps to put it in perspective and easier to let go of..seeing it for what it is.
I chat with strangers all the time and have a lot of fun meeting people as my travels take me. But I don't spend my energy with people I observe and/or see as an emotionally unhealthy. I see no problem in saying hello to him one day, but I imagine it in passing and not in stopping.
Thanks for your insight
it is a bit of an electric shock to the system to see an aggressor from the past (in this case more of an electric ping). I felt good to walk past him.
And you are right, thinking about how he is to react, is a bit reminiscent of the co-dependency behavior. Of which I was heavily entrenched. I am grateful for the opportunity to incorporate deeper, lessons learned. Thanks for calling that out, it quickly helps to put it in perspective and easier to let go of..seeing it for what it is.
I chat with strangers all the time and have a lot of fun meeting people as my travels take me. But I don't spend my energy with people I observe and/or see as an emotionally unhealthy. I see no problem in saying hello to him one day, but I imagine it in passing and not in stopping.
Thanks for your insight
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I had dinner with my XAH three years after our divorce. He was in town and I was still not assertive enough in those days to say, NO.
It was squirmingly awful. It was excruciating small talk with an occasional barb passed off as a “joke”...and at the end of it he suggested we have sex. THAT part I had no trouble saying no to.
It’s been a very long time since then but I can tell you I certainly wouldn’t put myself in that situation ever again.
You don’t owe your ex anything and even a passing “hello” might just lead into a longer conversation. Nope.
It was squirmingly awful. It was excruciating small talk with an occasional barb passed off as a “joke”...and at the end of it he suggested we have sex. THAT part I had no trouble saying no to.
It’s been a very long time since then but I can tell you I certainly wouldn’t put myself in that situation ever again.
You don’t owe your ex anything and even a passing “hello” might just lead into a longer conversation. Nope.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
One of the most significant markers of recovery for me is moving from an operating base of "what will they think?" into "what do I want?" You're clearly on your path of health and increased vitality. It's wonderful to see, TLC. 
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I think you need to do whatever boosts your self worth and self esteem the most. Whether that be speak to him or blank him if you see him again.
Your post made me think of a similar experience I had many many years ago with my first husband. We were together about ten years and he used to undermine and criticise me about my weight a lot. I was average size but he still used it as a weapon against me. He was ultra fit and lean.
Anyways I divorced him and some years later bumped into him and he was enormous! Enormous. Now, I wouldn't normally comment on anyone's weight but in this case I made an exception, we literally bumped into each other in a shop, had I seen him from afar I would have dodged and gone the other way.
I calmly said hello and said I was shocked how enormous he was as he had always been so particular about my weight. He blushed deep red. With that I turned, then me and my slim butt in my tight jeans with high heeled boots strutted away with attitude!
Very childish of me but boy, it felt good! A taste of his own medicine.
Your post made me think of a similar experience I had many many years ago with my first husband. We were together about ten years and he used to undermine and criticise me about my weight a lot. I was average size but he still used it as a weapon against me. He was ultra fit and lean.
Anyways I divorced him and some years later bumped into him and he was enormous! Enormous. Now, I wouldn't normally comment on anyone's weight but in this case I made an exception, we literally bumped into each other in a shop, had I seen him from afar I would have dodged and gone the other way.
I calmly said hello and said I was shocked how enormous he was as he had always been so particular about my weight. He blushed deep red. With that I turned, then me and my slim butt in my tight jeans with high heeled boots strutted away with attitude!
Very childish of me but boy, it felt good! A taste of his own medicine.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
I think you did the right thing. Do not ever do anything you’re not personally comfortable with. Honestly, I think ignoring someone forever who is toxic is probably the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Midwest
Posts: 96
So very long ago that I started this thread.
I want to comment on this now and especially with trailmix and dandelions comments...of which I hold dear
For a long time, even though I did a lot of healing and separating. I must say I still filtered my actions as it related to "him" through my idea of his reaction/perceptions . (e.g. if he sends a friend request, should I ignore it or delete it? how will he perceive this. he was arrogant enough that if I deleted it, he would think I was upset and there for still cared......) he was abusive and I didn't want to give him this satisfaction.
As I grew stronger, had more distance, worked on myself, my life, better boundaries, more self confidence. etc. recognizing the importance of having quality people around me and what was good for me...
All of a sudden......one day..I no longer cared what he thought.. I didn't even see this coming, just suddenly I realized it.
It didn't matter to me what he thought or what impression I gave to him. I care about good people, about myself what is good for my health. It was so liberating.
Just wanted to share the journey. There is light available for you, for us.
I want to comment on this now and especially with trailmix and dandelions comments...of which I hold dear
For a long time, even though I did a lot of healing and separating. I must say I still filtered my actions as it related to "him" through my idea of his reaction/perceptions . (e.g. if he sends a friend request, should I ignore it or delete it? how will he perceive this. he was arrogant enough that if I deleted it, he would think I was upset and there for still cared......) he was abusive and I didn't want to give him this satisfaction.
As I grew stronger, had more distance, worked on myself, my life, better boundaries, more self confidence. etc. recognizing the importance of having quality people around me and what was good for me...
All of a sudden......one day..I no longer cared what he thought.. I didn't even see this coming, just suddenly I realized it.
It didn't matter to me what he thought or what impression I gave to him. I care about good people, about myself what is good for my health. It was so liberating.
Just wanted to share the journey. There is light available for you, for us.
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