Opening Up Helps
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
Opening Up Helps
I’ve read at SR that selectively seeking support from others helps, and I can tell you it has helped me tremendously these last few weeks as I face the reality that my husband has an alcohol addiction and has progressed from “functioning” to recently, intoxication in the mornings, smelling like alcohol the next day, lying about drinking, and hiding his drinking from me.
Back in February, I left to stay in a hotel for a weekend after my husband was binging, and I reached out to professionals who specialize in addiction. I got excellent advice, perspective, and an invitation to go to CR. I went two weeks ago after speaking to a therapist who also attends and she has given me great insight.
I finally told several close friends, as well as my mother. All were supportive in their own way, although my mother told me that I should help my husband through sobriety and I’m “lucky” that he doesn’t become physically abusive when he drinks. 🙄 I told the therapist that I now clearly understand why I am likely in this position.
My family met with a therapist yesterday to help formulate a Safety Plan in the event of another episode of intoxication and/or hiding alcohol. My older son and husband tried to minimize my husband’s drinking as “not that big of a deal,” and the therapist was very supportive in helping them understand that getting drunk in our home most nights is NOT normal, that hiding and lying about alcohol is NOT normal, and that the recent events of morning/daytime intoxication do in fact mean that this has progressed. We are living with active alcohol addiction. Older son agreed that daytime/morning intoxication is not normal at all. The therapist also affirmed that I am right to uphold my boundary of no drinking in our home or husband has to leave for an extended period of time until he is in active recovery and is sober for at least 6 months, regardless of whether or not the kids agree with me. She said it is the most loving thing that I can do for the entire family, including my husband, and I agree fully. She debriefed me later and said that she can see that my husband is a good man and that he loves his family very much. She also said that he is still in a bit of denial and thinks he can do this himself.
My husband told me afterward that he is disappointed in himself for allowing it to get to this point. I can sense some distance from him. He seems upset and isn’t upset with me, but I know that my work is going to be around letting him be upset and not letting that get me down (because it does). I also know that I have been in denial about his drinking problem and have wanted everything to be ok.
We have a nice life in every other way. We have great kids and I know that takes both of us- my husband is a caring, loving, and great father. There are MANY things that I love about him and that is what makes the binging cycle so damn confusing. It hurts. Every single time. And the detox periods between binging episodes that last weeks or months are fewer and fewer between, it seems.
The kids do not want to pursue ongoing therapy, but they did agree in our Safety Plan to allow me to coach them on the tools that I learn (boundaries, chemical dependency, alcoholism).
My husband hasn’t scheduled an assessment like the therapist recommended to him, but I was very clear that I have no desire to be the Recovery Police or the Alcohol Police. I am going to be the Boundary for our family and what I will and will not allow in our home, and I will no longer tolerate intoxication and/or hiding alcohol. I was very clear that I can no longer live with active alcohol addiction in our home.
So that is where we are at. Thank you for letting me share.
Back in February, I left to stay in a hotel for a weekend after my husband was binging, and I reached out to professionals who specialize in addiction. I got excellent advice, perspective, and an invitation to go to CR. I went two weeks ago after speaking to a therapist who also attends and she has given me great insight.
I finally told several close friends, as well as my mother. All were supportive in their own way, although my mother told me that I should help my husband through sobriety and I’m “lucky” that he doesn’t become physically abusive when he drinks. 🙄 I told the therapist that I now clearly understand why I am likely in this position.
My family met with a therapist yesterday to help formulate a Safety Plan in the event of another episode of intoxication and/or hiding alcohol. My older son and husband tried to minimize my husband’s drinking as “not that big of a deal,” and the therapist was very supportive in helping them understand that getting drunk in our home most nights is NOT normal, that hiding and lying about alcohol is NOT normal, and that the recent events of morning/daytime intoxication do in fact mean that this has progressed. We are living with active alcohol addiction. Older son agreed that daytime/morning intoxication is not normal at all. The therapist also affirmed that I am right to uphold my boundary of no drinking in our home or husband has to leave for an extended period of time until he is in active recovery and is sober for at least 6 months, regardless of whether or not the kids agree with me. She said it is the most loving thing that I can do for the entire family, including my husband, and I agree fully. She debriefed me later and said that she can see that my husband is a good man and that he loves his family very much. She also said that he is still in a bit of denial and thinks he can do this himself.
My husband told me afterward that he is disappointed in himself for allowing it to get to this point. I can sense some distance from him. He seems upset and isn’t upset with me, but I know that my work is going to be around letting him be upset and not letting that get me down (because it does). I also know that I have been in denial about his drinking problem and have wanted everything to be ok.
We have a nice life in every other way. We have great kids and I know that takes both of us- my husband is a caring, loving, and great father. There are MANY things that I love about him and that is what makes the binging cycle so damn confusing. It hurts. Every single time. And the detox periods between binging episodes that last weeks or months are fewer and fewer between, it seems.
The kids do not want to pursue ongoing therapy, but they did agree in our Safety Plan to allow me to coach them on the tools that I learn (boundaries, chemical dependency, alcoholism).
My husband hasn’t scheduled an assessment like the therapist recommended to him, but I was very clear that I have no desire to be the Recovery Police or the Alcohol Police. I am going to be the Boundary for our family and what I will and will not allow in our home, and I will no longer tolerate intoxication and/or hiding alcohol. I was very clear that I can no longer live with active alcohol addiction in our home.
So that is where we are at. Thank you for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
I think that's great and really it went as well as can be expected.
What I think is good is that you are now back in control of your life. Alcoholism is a big task master and who wants to be under its control?
I hope you will keep posting and I hope this all turns out really well for all of you.
What I think is good is that you are now back in control of your life. Alcoholism is a big task master and who wants to be under its control?
I hope you will keep posting and I hope this all turns out really well for all of you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica.....I am glad that it went as well as it did, also.
I am not surprised that he is still in some denial....because many alcoholics do feel that they can do it themselves.
Does this mean that he will not attend AA meetings:
The part that I do not understand, is this---since alcoholism is a Family Disease---I don't understand why they are excused from going to therapy. I had thought that CR does include family therapy. It feels, to me that having you be the one that "coaches" them on the tools about dealing with alcoholism---puts you in the middle, so to speak.
From what I have learned about family boundaries, in general---by the.professionals that study and write about such things---that both parents need to come together in a united front---and enforce the rules that are best for the family, together. After all, you two are the parents and you have the leverage to insist that the kids do what is best for them---even if they don't like it....after all, kids don't like a lot of things....lol.
Of course, I am assuming that your kids are still under age?
I am not surprised that he is still in some denial....because many alcoholics do feel that they can do it themselves.
Does this mean that he will not attend AA meetings:
The part that I do not understand, is this---since alcoholism is a Family Disease---I don't understand why they are excused from going to therapy. I had thought that CR does include family therapy. It feels, to me that having you be the one that "coaches" them on the tools about dealing with alcoholism---puts you in the middle, so to speak.
From what I have learned about family boundaries, in general---by the.professionals that study and write about such things---that both parents need to come together in a united front---and enforce the rules that are best for the family, together. After all, you two are the parents and you have the leverage to insist that the kids do what is best for them---even if they don't like it....after all, kids don't like a lot of things....lol.
Of course, I am assuming that your kids are still under age?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
Yes, still underage and you’re right- it puts me in the middle. I’m not sure how to expect my AH husband to unite with me on boundaries in place due to his drinking? He hasn’t had boundaries for himself regarding alcohol and likely needs to learn them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica.....you have said that he is a "great father". If I were in your shoes---(;lol..and I know that I am not)...I would tell him very firmly that attending therapy is best for the kids and family---and, that you expect him to stand fully behind you. I can tell you this--having raised three teenagers (they are all grown, now),,,that kids are super skilled at "splitting the parents"....and, they know exactly where your weak points are...and, they will push the boundaries, themselves to see how strong they are. Actually, kids feel more secure, in the big picture, when parents have firm boundaries for them.
another tip...after the therapy sessions, it sweetens the pot if everyone goes for ice cream or pizza afterward. this makes it a fun family event....
another tip...after the therapy sessions, it sweetens the pot if everyone goes for ice cream or pizza afterward. this makes it a fun family event....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
The human urge is for everything to go "back to normal". The problem is that everyone's
been living very abnormally for a long while, and acting like everything's normal. Now is
the window to really change things up. I see it as a good thing when going to
counseling and everyone going to meetings is normal and there is no discomfort
associated with it. Of course there is discomfort at first - it is new, feels awkward
and embarrassing in ways, way out of everyone's comfort zone. But the whole point is
to make understanding and acknowledging the nature and dangers of addiction the new
norm.
Everyone will be stronger and wiser for it. Let any stigma associated with
addiction fall by the wayside and get any help your family needs to heal
and prevent future problems. That is key right now.
been living very abnormally for a long while, and acting like everything's normal. Now is
the window to really change things up. I see it as a good thing when going to
counseling and everyone going to meetings is normal and there is no discomfort
associated with it. Of course there is discomfort at first - it is new, feels awkward
and embarrassing in ways, way out of everyone's comfort zone. But the whole point is
to make understanding and acknowledging the nature and dangers of addiction the new
norm.
Everyone will be stronger and wiser for it. Let any stigma associated with
addiction fall by the wayside and get any help your family needs to heal
and prevent future problems. That is key right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Agree with others as a child who grew up in alcoholic home—get a United front and do family therapy. These are formative years emotionally for children, and they really need extra support and appropriate place to voice concerns and emotions instead of stuffing them to keep the peace, which they will do sensing the tension between you and husband.
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