Anger....
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Join Date: May 2021
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Anger....
Maybe it’s anger..... it turned my brain on. It must have been shut down and anger latched on to one working brain cell, it probably doesn’t take much.
What I’m about to say, I don’t mean in any victim way. I also don’t mean it like I’m perfect, clearly, i am far from it. Messed up I am or my brain was shut off.
ive loved ah since I was 15 years old. That’s right.... 15. I’ve walked through quite a lot with him. Or for him. Or because of him or who the hell cares. I have. I gave birth to his (ours) first child at the age of 19 and our youngest at the age of 35. I’m not 48. I’ve waited. Tried. Struggled. And stood by. Through every act of his. I don’t know it all, not by a long shot but what I do know in regard to some of his behavior is, it’s bad. Really bad. I’m no saint for staying. I’m something else for it. I own that I know. But dammit, he’s blamed me. Accused me. Lied about me. To me. Rewritten reality. Makes it as if I have to prove myself because I’m less than or have done horrible things. In his twisted mind, it’s he who has “put up with so much” and because of such, he’s so forgiving and such a victim and gets screwed over for it. I should be sorry. And grateful!
seriously? There’s not a woman alive, except maybe his mom or sister (god bless them too) who has loved him longer or who would stick around.
And after it all, I go to him to try and get a crumb of understanding hoping if I get it, he won’t do it again. And again. And again. And again. As if I don’t say it right or ask for a lot.
that man should be tripping over his own feet trying to ensure I know how sorry he is, trying to care about what he’s done. Trying to show me different. Tripping over himself!
but he’s not. And he won’t.
Crazy he is. Backwards. History alone, just factual history should prove to him whose who and what’s what.
im As sick as he is. Seriously.
What I’m about to say, I don’t mean in any victim way. I also don’t mean it like I’m perfect, clearly, i am far from it. Messed up I am or my brain was shut off.
ive loved ah since I was 15 years old. That’s right.... 15. I’ve walked through quite a lot with him. Or for him. Or because of him or who the hell cares. I have. I gave birth to his (ours) first child at the age of 19 and our youngest at the age of 35. I’m not 48. I’ve waited. Tried. Struggled. And stood by. Through every act of his. I don’t know it all, not by a long shot but what I do know in regard to some of his behavior is, it’s bad. Really bad. I’m no saint for staying. I’m something else for it. I own that I know. But dammit, he’s blamed me. Accused me. Lied about me. To me. Rewritten reality. Makes it as if I have to prove myself because I’m less than or have done horrible things. In his twisted mind, it’s he who has “put up with so much” and because of such, he’s so forgiving and such a victim and gets screwed over for it. I should be sorry. And grateful!
seriously? There’s not a woman alive, except maybe his mom or sister (god bless them too) who has loved him longer or who would stick around.
And after it all, I go to him to try and get a crumb of understanding hoping if I get it, he won’t do it again. And again. And again. And again. As if I don’t say it right or ask for a lot.
that man should be tripping over his own feet trying to ensure I know how sorry he is, trying to care about what he’s done. Trying to show me different. Tripping over himself!
but he’s not. And he won’t.
Crazy he is. Backwards. History alone, just factual history should prove to him whose who and what’s what.
im As sick as he is. Seriously.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Oh Macyc, I hear the anger and the frustration with not getting what you want. You are not sick, you're heartbroken and confused, and probably very lonely right now. I've typed and deleted several responses because I know how you feel but I can't get the words right. I do promise you that you will get through this period and realize his apologizing and acknowledging his past actions is meaningless in the long run. He's never shown by any of his actions, that he was going to change and be the person you need him to be. He's an alcoholic and he just wants to drink, we're both useless and useful to them depending on what they need at that point in time.
I know you feel you need acknowledgement of all he's done to you, but very few can or will provide that. But believe me, he KNOWS he hurt you and that was his intention. Do you really need an apology from someone that went to great lengths to hurt and humiliate you? It'll just give him power over you, because if he gets the words right his world goes back to the way he wants it. Can you truly ever believe anything that comes out of him mouth?
My AH has acknowledged how badly he treated me, but he's never made any substantial changes, so what did those words gain me? To me it's just another form of manipulation, using words when anger and other tactics have stopped working. I don't trust any apology that only comes when it's a last resort with no actions to back it up. I'd rather see change and down the road an apology, which to me is more meaningful because they've done the work to change then acknowledged past wrongs. But that's my view and that's come with learning about addictions and detaching.
You have a lot of emotions to process and grief to get through. I tend to use my anger to get me through the rough patches and prop up my reasons why I won't move back in when he's currently not drinking and telling me how great he feels and loves life. Sure, for a week or 2, then it's 6 or more weeks of hardcore drinking and being an a$$.
Off topic, but might make you laugh... Today my son said AH called an electrician to fix the dishwasher that was leaking. Electrician showed up and had no idea what he was there for because AH showed him the dishwasher and said it was leaking. Poor guy tried to explain he wasn't the right person, but all AH kept trying to do was sell him weed and an old dryer in the basement. Electrician called son (AH used son's phone to book appt for some reason) confused why he was there, so son told him to just leave. He wondered if anyone should come stay with AH because he was that bad, son said "oh no, he's been much worse he'll be fine". Son felt bad so went up on his lunch hour to check on him, and AH was passed out with front door wide open, he had no pants or underwear on and that was the end pointed out at the street. I know, I know you're wondering why I won't move back in with such a gem (as does AH), I wonder myself sometimes how I manage to ignore that magnetism..
I know you feel you need acknowledgement of all he's done to you, but very few can or will provide that. But believe me, he KNOWS he hurt you and that was his intention. Do you really need an apology from someone that went to great lengths to hurt and humiliate you? It'll just give him power over you, because if he gets the words right his world goes back to the way he wants it. Can you truly ever believe anything that comes out of him mouth?
My AH has acknowledged how badly he treated me, but he's never made any substantial changes, so what did those words gain me? To me it's just another form of manipulation, using words when anger and other tactics have stopped working. I don't trust any apology that only comes when it's a last resort with no actions to back it up. I'd rather see change and down the road an apology, which to me is more meaningful because they've done the work to change then acknowledged past wrongs. But that's my view and that's come with learning about addictions and detaching.
You have a lot of emotions to process and grief to get through. I tend to use my anger to get me through the rough patches and prop up my reasons why I won't move back in when he's currently not drinking and telling me how great he feels and loves life. Sure, for a week or 2, then it's 6 or more weeks of hardcore drinking and being an a$$.
Off topic, but might make you laugh... Today my son said AH called an electrician to fix the dishwasher that was leaking. Electrician showed up and had no idea what he was there for because AH showed him the dishwasher and said it was leaking. Poor guy tried to explain he wasn't the right person, but all AH kept trying to do was sell him weed and an old dryer in the basement. Electrician called son (AH used son's phone to book appt for some reason) confused why he was there, so son told him to just leave. He wondered if anyone should come stay with AH because he was that bad, son said "oh no, he's been much worse he'll be fine". Son felt bad so went up on his lunch hour to check on him, and AH was passed out with front door wide open, he had no pants or underwear on and that was the end pointed out at the street. I know, I know you're wondering why I won't move back in with such a gem (as does AH), I wonder myself sometimes how I manage to ignore that magnetism..
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
Typing on my phone makes for so many typo’s. I am 48 currently. He is 51.
I was in 10th grade in high school. He was 18 and first year at college.
of course even back then now that I see it, it was tragic. He’s the same man, if not worse and better at hiding it, as he was then. People change? Not someone like him. And that isn’t from alcohol.
even back then, he drank different than normal college kids. He was always the drunkest. Even his friends had to always look out for him and so on. This has been. It didn’t develop. Same with his cheating, lying, blaming ways. It’s been, since then.
nothing has ever been his fault in his entire life. Heck. When he was a kid his mom hid whenever he did wrong from his dad. For herself. No wonder. He’s never been accountable for a thing but he sure takes all the glory.
our kids, he’s never changed a diaper. Put one to bed, helped with home work and so on. But he’d show up for an event and take credit as if he had a hand in it. As if their achievements are even part of his doing and not their own!
our children are good people and I don’t know how. I really don’t but they are. Nice. Kind. Smart. They follow through. They have dreams and goals. They meet them. They’re good to people. They cannot stand him. Maybe I should be grateful he took such a back seat! I don’t know how I did it but I did.
he can eat it. I’m done doing so
I was in 10th grade in high school. He was 18 and first year at college.
of course even back then now that I see it, it was tragic. He’s the same man, if not worse and better at hiding it, as he was then. People change? Not someone like him. And that isn’t from alcohol.
even back then, he drank different than normal college kids. He was always the drunkest. Even his friends had to always look out for him and so on. This has been. It didn’t develop. Same with his cheating, lying, blaming ways. It’s been, since then.
nothing has ever been his fault in his entire life. Heck. When he was a kid his mom hid whenever he did wrong from his dad. For herself. No wonder. He’s never been accountable for a thing but he sure takes all the glory.
our kids, he’s never changed a diaper. Put one to bed, helped with home work and so on. But he’d show up for an event and take credit as if he had a hand in it. As if their achievements are even part of his doing and not their own!
our children are good people and I don’t know how. I really don’t but they are. Nice. Kind. Smart. They follow through. They have dreams and goals. They meet them. They’re good to people. They cannot stand him. Maybe I should be grateful he took such a back seat! I don’t know how I did it but I did.
he can eat it. I’m done doing so
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
You'll get through this, you're so strong and smart. You know your own mind, even though it may feel like you're losing it sometimes 
.
Ahhhhh, AH provides lots of those types of stories. Last week 3rd oldest sent a picture of the pillow fort AH built out of the deck furniture because he was trying to shoot a squirrel with his pellet gun. My son took the pellet gun home with him for obvious reasons. We have 4 grown sons, so one of them is always telling me "so this happened when I checked on Dad today..." stories.
He also thought one of his neighbor's cats was his (not this binge, last one) so left his house and went up on their deck to 'bring him home'. Cat scratched him to pieces and eventually got away. Their cat looks nothing like his cat, not even the same color or size. Son (who currently lives with him) said he watched it all go down from the picture window with AH's cat beside him. When AH tottered back home, he scolded the cat for bugging the neighbors.
All you can do is laugh. It's that or cry and I've done enough of that.
.Ahhhhh, AH provides lots of those types of stories. Last week 3rd oldest sent a picture of the pillow fort AH built out of the deck furniture because he was trying to shoot a squirrel with his pellet gun. My son took the pellet gun home with him for obvious reasons. We have 4 grown sons, so one of them is always telling me "so this happened when I checked on Dad today..." stories.
He also thought one of his neighbor's cats was his (not this binge, last one) so left his house and went up on their deck to 'bring him home'. Cat scratched him to pieces and eventually got away. Their cat looks nothing like his cat, not even the same color or size. Son (who currently lives with him) said he watched it all go down from the picture window with AH's cat beside him. When AH tottered back home, he scolded the cat for bugging the neighbors.
All you can do is laugh. It's that or cry and I've done enough of that.
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Join Date: May 2021
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Hahahahhhahaha. Those are funny stories sueby.
I wish I could think of one funny one. But they’re all disgusting and piggish.
maybe I can laugh at the idea that he thinks 22 year old girls, younger than our oldest, want him for his charm and not money. Or how he thinks this makes him such a king. Meanwhile, that turkey neck of his gives his age away yet he seems to think he looks great for his age I suppose. Oh he hates it when someone says “Macy, I cannot believe you’ve had 5 kids!” Hates it. You can see it on his face.
I should put Nare in his shampoo. Let’s see him bald instead of that stupid looking cool guy hair cut he always gets.
or I could burn his custom made suits in the dumb fire pits he made them make by the pool. Or sink them all in the river in the back yard.
hahahhahahha. Now I’m thinking.
I wish I could think of one funny one. But they’re all disgusting and piggish.
maybe I can laugh at the idea that he thinks 22 year old girls, younger than our oldest, want him for his charm and not money. Or how he thinks this makes him such a king. Meanwhile, that turkey neck of his gives his age away yet he seems to think he looks great for his age I suppose. Oh he hates it when someone says “Macy, I cannot believe you’ve had 5 kids!” Hates it. You can see it on his face.
I should put Nare in his shampoo. Let’s see him bald instead of that stupid looking cool guy hair cut he always gets.
or I could burn his custom made suits in the dumb fire pits he made them make by the pool. Or sink them all in the river in the back yard.
hahahhahahha. Now I’m thinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Ugh Macy.
Five minutes with him and its
like you've taken some ipecac......
Ive read many times about how an addict/alcoholic becomes stuck emotionally
at the age they began to use to cope with life. He sounds like a 16 yr old. But I
hope you can gain more clarity with each passing day he is not around to pound
you down.
Five minutes with him and its
like you've taken some ipecac......
Ive read many times about how an addict/alcoholic becomes stuck emotionally
at the age they began to use to cope with life. He sounds like a 16 yr old. But I
hope you can gain more clarity with each passing day he is not around to pound
you down.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Yeah, our spouses are different... well except the thinking all women love them. He's almost irresistible when he's drunk - in his mind anyway!
Oh the things I wanted to do to him when we first split up! I did not think of putting Nair in his shampoo though, that's a good one!! I did want to push over his custom Harley Davidson, but it weighs over 1000lbs, so that wasn't happening. Turns out it weighs too much for him anyway, he's dropped it many times himself and I don't have to feel guilty!
Looking back I didn't end up doing anything, but thinking of things with my sister was loads of fun. She is very diabolical. Turns out nothing I could've done to hurt him would have topped what he is managing to accomplish himself.
Funny story about my sister. We were at a home show a few months after we broke up and she was making me go to get out of the house. I was, of course, trying everything to get back with him 🙄🙄. We were looking at the beds that lift and I said that would be cool for AH because he snores so much and that would help him. Her deadpan response was "a pillow over his face would be cheaper".
Oh the things I wanted to do to him when we first split up! I did not think of putting Nair in his shampoo though, that's a good one!! I did want to push over his custom Harley Davidson, but it weighs over 1000lbs, so that wasn't happening. Turns out it weighs too much for him anyway, he's dropped it many times himself and I don't have to feel guilty!
Looking back I didn't end up doing anything, but thinking of things with my sister was loads of fun. She is very diabolical. Turns out nothing I could've done to hurt him would have topped what he is managing to accomplish himself.
Funny story about my sister. We were at a home show a few months after we broke up and she was making me go to get out of the house. I was, of course, trying everything to get back with him 🙄🙄. We were looking at the beds that lift and I said that would be cool for AH because he snores so much and that would help him. Her deadpan response was "a pillow over his face would be cheaper".
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You were fifteen and he was legally an adult? He’s lucky he didn’t go to jail.
Your entire life was shaped by him…his arrogance, his lies, his belittling you and your children, his cruelty, his narcissm, his addictions. No wonder you’re mad…your entire life was based on lies. It’s really rather remarkable that you’ve been able to break away from it all as much as you have.
Have you read anything about the stages of grief? You spent quite a long time in denial…it’s no wonder anger now wants a turn and wants it NOW.
Anger has its uses and you’re smart enough to use them. Get one mean snake of a lawyer and go for it. You were a child when he swooped in, you’ve raised his children, he’s abused and controlled and demeaned you, you have a special needs child…a good divorce lawyer would be salivating over getting that scenario in front of a judge.
Do you know anyone in your circle who has gone through a contentious divorce (obviously it needs to be someone you trust, not a minion) who had a nice vicious lawyer you could contact?
Your entire life was shaped by him…his arrogance, his lies, his belittling you and your children, his cruelty, his narcissm, his addictions. No wonder you’re mad…your entire life was based on lies. It’s really rather remarkable that you’ve been able to break away from it all as much as you have.
Have you read anything about the stages of grief? You spent quite a long time in denial…it’s no wonder anger now wants a turn and wants it NOW.
Anger has its uses and you’re smart enough to use them. Get one mean snake of a lawyer and go for it. You were a child when he swooped in, you’ve raised his children, he’s abused and controlled and demeaned you, you have a special needs child…a good divorce lawyer would be salivating over getting that scenario in front of a judge.
Do you know anyone in your circle who has gone through a contentious divorce (obviously it needs to be someone you trust, not a minion) who had a nice vicious lawyer you could contact?
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Yes, anger can be a really good thing. Although we are all told it's not. There is a place for it and right now is that time for you. Anger can propel us forward, have us focus on what we need to do and do it.
As I mentioned before, I was married the first time at a young age, I also met my stb husband when I was about 16, maybe 15, I can't remember and I married him the year I turned 18 (think I said 19 before), so married at 17 egads lol
Anyhoo, it seemed like a good idea at the time and although he had a rage problem and did hit me - compared to your guy he was a saint because when he wasn't enraged he could be quite a nice person (history of abuse during his childhood I won't bore you with).
Then you get stuck in with your life. You have a child, you may be working as well (or working on raising that child/children), life goes on. Most of the time, particularly when you are alone, with friends or family, it's not so bad. At some point you look outside that, you look at the relationship and think, wth is that? Why am I in such a horrible relationship??
So I get it. I don't blame myself at all, for the record. That was just my life then, I did what I did for I guess what I thought were good reasons.
As I mentioned before, I was married the first time at a young age, I also met my stb husband when I was about 16, maybe 15, I can't remember and I married him the year I turned 18 (think I said 19 before), so married at 17 egads lol
Anyhoo, it seemed like a good idea at the time and although he had a rage problem and did hit me - compared to your guy he was a saint because when he wasn't enraged he could be quite a nice person (history of abuse during his childhood I won't bore you with).
Then you get stuck in with your life. You have a child, you may be working as well (or working on raising that child/children), life goes on. Most of the time, particularly when you are alone, with friends or family, it's not so bad. At some point you look outside that, you look at the relationship and think, wth is that? Why am I in such a horrible relationship??
So I get it. I don't blame myself at all, for the record. That was just my life then, I did what I did for I guess what I thought were good reasons.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes, anger can be a really good thing. Although we are all told it's not. There is a place for it and right now is that time for you. Anger can propel us forward, have us focus on what we need to do and do it.
Once enough time and growth had happened, I needed to find different motivations, and I did, but in the beginning, just pure anger was enough--and it lasted a pretty long time!
Your anger can become the flames shooting out of the rocket's base, lifting you into another world.
Here's a link to a post from a member who I don't think comes here any more. Parts of her story may resonate with you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rd-health.html (The Crucible: A Love Story and A Journey Toward Health)
Someone may have mentioned this to you already, or you may have figured it out on your own, but if you want to see more posts from a particular member, you can just click on their name at the left of the screen. When the dropdown list appears, you can choose to see other posts by that member. This tool is useful if you want to read more from a particular person who you find inspirational or whose situation is similar to yours, or if you want to find the start of their story here at SR and follow it forward.
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