And now this
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And now this
FINALLY summoned the courage to say we need to split. Was expecting rage, got a week (so far) of begging, tears, apologies. Yes I know…abuse cycle, hoovering, etc…BUT he’s never done this in decades. Kids still hold ultimatum on me so I really have little choice. What do I do and how do I handle this?
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Heya Pizza, it is good to hear from you.
As Sparkle says, you continue the course. Alcoholics (or even sober non-recovered folks) will predictably do this. Also you may expect that the pleading will turn to anger as you proceed with separation/divorce. This is what they do. It is not fun.
Keep taking care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
As Sparkle says, you continue the course. Alcoholics (or even sober non-recovered folks) will predictably do this. Also you may expect that the pleading will turn to anger as you proceed with separation/divorce. This is what they do. It is not fun.
Keep taking care of yourself and let us know how it goes.
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pizza....I suggest the same as others have said---Proceed straight ahead--"Nothing has really changed".
I, also, predict that the tears and pleading will turn to his usual anger and criticisms. That is what my first husband did when I divorced him. I rode it out, and I am sooo glad that I did!
pizza....he is not going to change. His words mean nothing---they are just bait to try to reel you back into the status quo.
I hope that you will get enough support for yourself. This is too hard to do alone. As I have observed others going through this, as well as my own personal experience, the most important factor that I have seen is this---having enough personal support form other capable humans.
I am pretty sure that I must have given you this link, before, but, to be sure, here it is again. It will help you t organize your thoughts and questions and it is arranged by state.
www.womansdivorce.com
I, also, predict that the tears and pleading will turn to his usual anger and criticisms. That is what my first husband did when I divorced him. I rode it out, and I am sooo glad that I did!
pizza....he is not going to change. His words mean nothing---they are just bait to try to reel you back into the status quo.
I hope that you will get enough support for yourself. This is too hard to do alone. As I have observed others going through this, as well as my own personal experience, the most important factor that I have seen is this---having enough personal support form other capable humans.
I am pretty sure that I must have given you this link, before, but, to be sure, here it is again. It will help you t organize your thoughts and questions and it is arranged by state.
www.womansdivorce.com
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Originally Posted by pizza67 
FINALLY summoned the courage to say we need to split. Was expecting rage, got a week (so far) of begging, tears, apologies. Yes I know…abuse cycle, hoovering, etc…BUT he’s never done this in decades. Kids still hold ultimatum on me so I really have little choice. What do I do and how do I handle this?
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He’s a very good actor. You know this. Besides, picking on you and composing dramatic speeches are his main hobbies…poor dear, what will he do with all that free time?
You’re so close to daylight…keep going!
You’re so close to daylight…keep going!
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Are you in a position to sell the place? It's a sellers market right now and that won't last forever. I live in a smaller town in a small province, and a seriously crappy run down place across from me that would have went for $80k before COVID, just sold for $165,000!!! $30k over asking! It'll cost $80k to fix that dump up. Two bedrooms that are 7'x8' and 7'x 7'7", like what?? Sorry, went a bit off topic there lol.
Sorry, it may be a rental, just thought of that. If it's a rental and both names are on the lease, I would approach the landlord and relate the situation to him and ask him to explore what you can do to get him out.
Sorry, it may be a rental, just thought of that. If it's a rental and both names are on the lease, I would approach the landlord and relate the situation to him and ask him to explore what you can do to get him out.
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Pizza.....I say to do whatever you have to do. Get him out as quickly as you CAN. It may not be as soon as you want....but, you have to face the realities of the situation. It may not be the option that you want , but it is an option. Keeping in mind that I am not a lawyer---but, I have seen people file for divorce and request that you remain in the house with the children until the house is sold or he buys you out.
If you want change, you will have to be willing to act. He doesn't sound like he will budge if you don't take action.
I assume that you have a lawyer lined up?
The kids don't get to make the adult decisions. Of course, they have a preference, and can voice their desires/opinions...but they don't get to make final decisions and dictate it to you. You are the parent. You are the Captain of the ship and you will need to be in charge. They are teenagers---and, they might not like a lot of things....but, they will adjust. You can't afford to have the tail wagging the dog.
If you want change, you will have to be willing to act. He doesn't sound like he will budge if you don't take action.
I assume that you have a lawyer lined up?
The kids don't get to make the adult decisions. Of course, they have a preference, and can voice their desires/opinions...but they don't get to make final decisions and dictate it to you. You are the parent. You are the Captain of the ship and you will need to be in charge. They are teenagers---and, they might not like a lot of things....but, they will adjust. You can't afford to have the tail wagging the dog.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Pizza.....I say to do whatever you have to do. Get him out as quickly as you CAN. It may not be as soon as you want....but, you have to face the realities of the situation. It may not be the option that you want , but it is an option. Keeping in mind that I am not a lawyer---but, I have seen people file for divorce and request that you remain in the house with the children until the house is sold or he buys you out.
If you want change, you will have to be willing to act. He doesn't sound like he will budge if you don't take action.
I assume that you have a lawyer lined up?
The kids don't get to make the adult decisions. Of course, they have a preference, and can voice their desires/opinions...but they don't get to make final decisions and dictate it to you. You are the parent. You are the Captain of the ship and you will need to be in charge. They are teenagers---and, they might not like a lot of things....but, they will adjust. You can't afford to have the tail wagging the dog.
If you want change, you will have to be willing to act. He doesn't sound like he will budge if you don't take action.
I assume that you have a lawyer lined up?
The kids don't get to make the adult decisions. Of course, they have a preference, and can voice their desires/opinions...but they don't get to make final decisions and dictate it to you. You are the parent. You are the Captain of the ship and you will need to be in charge. They are teenagers---and, they might not like a lot of things....but, they will adjust. You can't afford to have the tail wagging the dog.
Regarding the house, are you saying that even if it takes longer to get him out that I should just do it? Because selling isn’t an option. The kids want this house. So do I.
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Personally, I don't see how the kids bullying and providing ultimatums is any different than anyone else doing it, but anyway...
If they're grown up, or think they are, they can pull up big boy/big girl pants, go out and rent an apartment together. They don't *have to* stay where they're unhappy.
It's a fun idea to share the childhood home when you're young. Once one of them has a spouse and a child, or both do, sharing a house between two families isn't as much fun as it sounds like. And they're assuming that neither will need to leave town to date, marry, have a good job, etc. Even the Reagans on 'Blue Bloods' only eat together once a week.
If they're grown up, or think they are, they can pull up big boy/big girl pants, go out and rent an apartment together. They don't *have to* stay where they're unhappy.
It's a fun idea to share the childhood home when you're young. Once one of them has a spouse and a child, or both do, sharing a house between two families isn't as much fun as it sounds like. And they're assuming that neither will need to leave town to date, marry, have a good job, etc. Even the Reagans on 'Blue Bloods' only eat together once a week.
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Pizza.....yes, that is my suggestion. A SUGGESTION, as I am just trying to be as helpful as i can. But, in no way are you obligated to take any of my suggestions. Heavens no!
One of life's lessons that we all get faced with, sooner or later---is that we don't always get what we Want. We have to face the fact thatwe all have to deal with Life on Life's terms. Teen agers have to learn that, also...lol....but, they often don't like it.
I am curious about one thing---if they are going to leave the house this summer if their Dad stays---where are they going to go? I thought that they want to stay in the house so bad that they don't want you to sell it.?
One of life's lessons that we all get faced with, sooner or later---is that we don't always get what we Want. We have to face the fact thatwe all have to deal with Life on Life's terms. Teen agers have to learn that, also...lol....but, they often don't like it.
I am curious about one thing---if they are going to leave the house this summer if their Dad stays---where are they going to go? I thought that they want to stay in the house so bad that they don't want you to sell it.?
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Originally Posted by velma929
Personally, I don't see how the kids bullying and providing ultimatums is any different than anyone else doing it, but anyway...
If they're grown up, or think they are, they can pull up big boy/big girl pants, go out and rent an apartment together. They don't *have to* stay where they're unhappy.
It's a fun idea to share the childhood home when you're young. Once one of them has a spouse and a child, or both do, sharing a house between two families isn't as much fun as it sounds like. And they're assuming that neither will need to leave town to date, marry, have a good job, etc. Even the Reagans on 'Blue Bloods' only eat together once a week.
If they're grown up, or think they are, they can pull up big boy/big girl pants, go out and rent an apartment together. They don't *have to* stay where they're unhappy.
It's a fun idea to share the childhood home when you're young. Once one of them has a spouse and a child, or both do, sharing a house between two families isn't as much fun as it sounds like. And they're assuming that neither will need to leave town to date, marry, have a good job, etc. Even the Reagans on 'Blue Bloods' only eat together once a week.
nice. My mom loves that show! Anyway my kids are much younger than the Reagan’s and are in no way ready to launch. They need me and their home. I’m doing everything I can to help them self-actualize.
but also, when I try to take them out of the equation…I would just stay with this and believe it, probably. I don’t think that’s a good idea do you?
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Originally Posted by pizza67
yeah they are totally trying to push me to action. And yeah I don’t think it’s fair that they gave me an ultimatum, but I also just can’t lose them.
I'm thinking maybe they don't realize that this action will have financial repercussions for you? And them? I agree they should be advised and consulted, but definitely not the ones driving the bus.
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Pizza....a structure is just a structure---a "home" is where the heart is. A home is a feeling based on relationships much more than just being under the same roof.
I have seen this with immigrants many times.
Self actualization takes many years for most people to arrive at---if they ever do. I feel safe in saying this---living in an abusive environment is not a useful way to point the road to self actualization.
I have seen this with immigrants many times.
Self actualization takes many years for most people to arrive at---if they ever do. I feel safe in saying this---living in an abusive environment is not a useful way to point the road to self actualization.
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Heya Pizza, it does sound like you need to talk to a lawyer to figure out the next right step.
Also it looks like if keeping the house is the priority, you, as well as the kids, may have to keep living with toxic husband/father.
Here is a vastly unpopular saying for recovery: You, and your kids, don't have a problem you have a solution that you don't like. . . . . I of course don't know if this is exactly how it is but it might be.
Also it looks like if keeping the house is the priority, you, as well as the kids, may have to keep living with toxic husband/father.
Here is a vastly unpopular saying for recovery: You, and your kids, don't have a problem you have a solution that you don't like. . . . . I of course don't know if this is exactly how it is but it might be.
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Originally Posted by Sueby
Why would you lose them?
I'm thinking maybe they don't realize that this action will have financial repercussions for you? And them? I agree they should be advised and consulted, but definitely not the ones driving the bus.
I'm thinking maybe they don't realize that this action will have financial repercussions for you? And them? I agree they should be advised and consulted, but definitely not the ones driving the bus.
Because they feel that if I chose to stay with him that I’m choosing him over them since he has been emotionally abusive to them.
They know the $ repercussions.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Pizza.....yes, that is my suggestion. A SUGGESTION, as I am just trying to be as helpful as i can. But, in no way are you obligated to take any of my suggestions. Heavens no!
One of life's lessons that we all get faced with, sooner or later---is that we don't always get what we Want. We have to face the fact thatwe all have to deal with Life on Life's terms. Teen agers have to learn that, also...lol....but, they often don't like it.
I am curious about one thing---if they are going to leave the house this summer if their Dad stays---where are they going to go? I thought that they want to stay in the house so bad that they don't want you to sell it.?
One of life's lessons that we all get faced with, sooner or later---is that we don't always get what we Want. We have to face the fact thatwe all have to deal with Life on Life's terms. Teen agers have to learn that, also...lol....but, they often don't like it.
I am curious about one thing---if they are going to leave the house this summer if their Dad stays---where are they going to go? I thought that they want to stay in the house so bad that they don't want you to sell it.?
they would have to find summer housing or move in with friends in a not great situation.
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I am getting confused now. You tell me to stick w the plan of splitting but but then say not to be driven by the kids, who want me to split. Meanwhile he is working on my head about how I will regret asking him to leave this summer only to end up alone when they all move out.
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