Seeking Support

Old 05-31-2021, 08:03 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
Seeking Support

I’m new here and reading as much as possible to understand alcoholism. I’ve been to Al-Anon several times last year and one CR meeting last week. Both were helpful. Prior to that, I read Codependent No More and have since reread it multiple times as well as Beattie’s second book Beyond Codependency. I don’t think of myself as codependent, but it has taken me over a decade to catch on to the fact that my husband has a drinking problem.

He has been a “functional alcoholic,” and while I intellectually understood that it was likely to escalate, I never thought it actually would. He’d go periods of months without drinking or years of fairly moderate drinking. He’s a very hands-on father to our two children who are now teens and adore him. He is home every night and has coached our kids in their athletics.

But it did escalate. At our kids’ travel tournaments, he would have a steady stream of alcohol that started as soon as the last game was played. One night at a hotel, after I watched him order his 5th beer in less than 2 hours, I realized that he needed help and told him so. He apologized and our oldest told AH that he drinks too much beer.

Over the last year and half, he has been drinking nightly and is passed out on the couch long before bedtime. I have no idea how much he’s drinking as he hides it from me and I find cans hidden all over the house and garage without looking for them- and often in strange places, like in the bathroom near the bathtub where I found 3 empty cans lined up when searching for Epsom salts for our son who was sore from football.

When I’ve told him that he needs help, he will stop drinking for months (typically 8 weeks or so) and tell me he feels great, but since he is not working a program and getting help and accountability, he will start drinking again and I have no idea how much. He will lie when I ask him if he’s been drinking, tell me I’m crazy...you all know the story.

After I found empty alcohol cans (he switched to a Vodka-based drink so I wouldn’t smell beer on him, but I do smell a weird fermentation scent on him the morning after he has been drinking even with vodka drinks) in the backseat of his car, I left the home several months ago to stay in a hotel for a weekend and clear my head. He was very distressed by this. I told him that this was a sober home and I will not live like this anymore. Either the alcohol goes or we go. He apologized and said that he is done drinking. He stopped for two months and then started drinking again and hiding it completely. I was playing a board game with our teen and he was standing near us, swaying and slurring. I told him the next day that he needs to leave our home. He broke down and cried. I felt awful and didn’t follow through.

I told him to leave again this weekend after waking up in the morning and seeing that he was visibly drunk. I’ve never seen him drunk in the mornings. He was doing “house projects” in the garage and yard while drinking and hiding it. He argued with me a little about driving, although he backed down pretty quickly. I was going to tell him the next day to leave but he had been drinking again the next morning. Later in the day when he had sobered up somewhat, I talked with our teens and we were united in telling him to go. We offered to pack his bag and drive him to a motel. I called a therapist whom I’d reached out to several months ago and met in person at CR last week. She affirmed that it was important to let the kids know what is going on and help them develop boundaries. Because AH has typically only gotten intoxicated in the evenings, they see his behavior change and see him passed out on the couch, but they weren’t sure how big of a deal it is.

AH asked to come home today after apologizing and telling us how much he loves us. I am calm and relieved to not have him here. I have been compassionate, but I do not want him back home until he is actively in recovery. I am concerned that he is going to become upset and insist on coming home, and my teens do not want to leave the home. I also want to schedule an appointment for our family with the therapist who advised me to come up with a safety plan with my kids. They understand that there is a problem, but they also see their friends’ parents drink too much at times as alcohol is so prevalent. My oldest has already asked me if Dad will be able to come home today.

Thank you in advance for any support or guidance you can offer.

Jessica38 is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 11:14 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
Hi Jessica, glad you found SR, sorry for what brings you here, of course.

As you know, from Al-Anon and your reading, this isn't actually about you or your kids or whether he loves you or not.

He has told you he quit drinking for those long-ish periods of time, but he hides his drinking (until he no longer can), so chances are, he has never had a "dry" period. He lies about his drinking, that's really all you know about it.

So, do you invite him back in to your lives/home? I guess the question is, do you want more of the same life you have been having with him? I can't see that anything has changed at all. He's upset because he isn't at home - but that doesn't fix the alcoholism.

I would be hesitant to have the teens involved in any of the decision making. I commend you for discussing this with them as that should always be an open conversation and they are not little kids, but the decisions are really all yours. If he is asked to leave for a period of time and all his drinking comes to the fore and he goes on a bender, they may inadvertently feel responsible somehow, for agreeing with you that he needed to leave.

Having him back home may seem like the less traumatic choice right now but in a way it just enables him to continue on the way he has been (which is not your problem, it's his).

What do you want? Is more of the same ok or would you prefer he not come home? Is that feasible for you?




trailmix is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 12:04 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica.....I can see that you are trying to establish some boundaries...which I think is a good thing, in general---And, I think that the alcoholism is no longer a "secret" in the family, is a good thing. It is always better, if it is not hidden under the rug, especially for the children. It is less confusing, that way. I do think that trailmix makes a very valid point that the children should not be a part of the actual decision making---as this can really backfire, later on. **Of course, they are entitled to express and talk about their feelings. Children should not feel like they have to shoulder adult problems and responsibilities.

Something that you said did jump out to me. You say that you don't want him to return home until he is in "active recovery". My question is this--Do you really know what active recovery looks like---and, how long it takes for a person to look and behave like they are in active, genuine recovery? I will say that the average person does not have much of a clue---unless they have undertaken a lot--lot--of education on the subject. Heck, many professionals, including doctors and counselors/therapists require specialized education and experience, above and beyond their usual training.

Another point....here in the U.S., it is really hard to force someone from their established home---so, if he insists on coming back, I think that you will need to consult a lawyer in order to learn his rights as well as your own rights.

I suggest that you might find it really educational to attend some AA meetings, yourself. Did you know that you are allowed to do that? Yes, you are allowed to go to meetings that are marked as "open meetings". They often have speakers (recovering alcoholics)....and, you are allowed to be a guest and not expected to participate. I think that this will be very educational for you, about what recovering is all about.
dandylion is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 12:19 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
It didn’t occur to me that he wasn’t dry during those periods. I feel like I can tell when he’s been drinking, only because when he has no privacy and access to alcohol (on vacation and/or staying with family, for example) and isn’t drinking, he’s moody, withdrawn, and irritable.

Thanks for your input regarding my teens. I am glad I talked with them and was clear that we are the adults and will handle this. I needed their buy-in before confronting my husband, and honestly, I wasn’t sure how to do that without discussing Options A (telling him to leave) and B (we leave to stay with family or a hotel). Both would require logistical planning, including booking flights if we stayed with family. If my husband refused to leave, my teens would have to leave the home with me and they have appointments and practices this week that would be disrupted if we stayed with family. Staying in a hotel would mean tight quarters and would inconvenience them.

To answer your questions, no, I do not want more of the same. My husband called this morning and said he’d do whatever I asked of him to return home, and he is sorry for putting us through this. My two conditions that he agreed to was that he can come home after he chooses a recovery program and has attended the first meeting, and he commits to attending a family counseling session this week to agree to a plan going forward. I do not want to be in this situation again, and I need a plan that we all agree to in the event of a relapse.

He is at an AA meeting right now.

What do you think? Is our best chance for moving forward successfully as a family to keep him out of the home until he’s worked a program for a set period of time? I used to get so angry and take things personally, but you’re right- I’m no longer taking it personally after learning that this really is something that he cannot control without outside help. I have more compassion for him now, and I’m also feeling free from the anger and hurt, which for me is a big deal.
Jessica38 is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 12:47 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,564
It's hard to say, you won't have any of those answers until he has been sober for a while. Plus, the putting the drink down is different from actually getting in to recovery. Really looking at your life and correcting whatever got you there and to stop being so inward looking and realize other people have lives and feelings and worries and the whole world does not revolve around you (him in this case). True recovery means he isn't walking around ill-tempered, battling everyone, miserable.

That transition can be really rocky for many, it's not easy. The fact that he waited to get asked to leave the house before he even attempted to get any help is not a particularily good sign. He will quit drinking the moment he chooses to and not a moment before.

Ideally he would be sober and working at recovery for at least say, six months, before you made decisions about him returning.

I hope you will read around the forum as well, there are probably many threads here that will resonate with you.


trailmix is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 12:56 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
I think a plan going forward is great. Written in pencil. Did you know relapse is a normal part of recovery? Replays doesn’t mean a person loses all they gain or has to turn into the same. It can but it doesn’t have to.

also, his recovery is his. You can’t plan it or decide what it will or won’t be. You can only decide what is ok for you.

your husband sounds way more caring then most. I don’t know, I’m not in your home. Use that to your advantage. He’s a good dad you said and involved so what an awesome place to be able to help support him on his path.

Macyc is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 01:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
It's hard to say, you won't have any of those answers until he has been sober for a while. Plus, the putting the drink down is different from actually getting in to recovery. Really looking at your life and correcting whatever got you there and to stop being so inward looking and realize other people have lives and feelings and worries and the whole world does not revolve around you (him in this case). True recovery means he isn't walking around ill-tempered, battling everyone, miserable.
This is very helpful to me. Thank you. And yes, I’ve read here, taken notes, and will continue to do so.

Dandylion, thank you too. It was recommended in Al-Anon that we attend an AA meeting and I have yet to do so. When I stayed in a hotel several months ago, I spoke with several men in AA who gave me valuable insight, primarily that it’s unacceptable to have my husband in the home if he is getting drunk. That really resonated with me.

My plan this week is to schedule a family session with the therapist I mentioned previously and work out a Safety Plan that she recommended. In the event of a relapse, AH agrees to leave the home for an extended period until it is clear that sobriety is achievable OR the kids and I have access to a comfortable place to stay for an extended period. AH agreed to this today and I was clear that while I am not angry with him, I will not live with an active alcoholic, and I will not allow the kids to, either.
Jessica38 is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 01:06 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Macyc View Post
I think a plan going forward is great. Written in pencil. Did you know relapse is a normal part of recovery? Replays doesn’t mean a person loses all they gain or has to turn into the same. It can but it doesn’t have to.

also, his recovery is his. You can’t plan it or decide what it will or won’t be. You can only decide what is ok for you.

your husband sounds way more caring then most. I don’t know, I’m not in your home. Use that to your advantage. He’s a good dad you said and involved so what an awesome place to be able to help support him on his path.
He is very caring and committed to being a good father and husband. He is struggling with the guilt of letting us down, and that used to make me feel guilty, but as I told him this morning, my responsibility at this point is to the kids and myself. We deserve a peaceful, stable home and living with an active alcoholic is confusing, chaotic, and destabilizing.
Jessica38 is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 01:29 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 122
It absolutely is! I agree 100 percent!

I hope he’s able to bite the bullet. And I hope you’re able to write the plan in pencil.
Macyc is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 01:33 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica.....I am going to tell you what I think is a good plan that I believe gives the most opportunity for adjusting to genuine recovery (mindful that recovery must be ongoing for a lifetime). This comes from a lot of experience with alcoholics. This allows for a lot of time and space for each member of the family to get their feet on the ground and eliminates a lot of misery, on both sides, during the difficult first year of the recovery process. lol...it makes the trip through hell a much shorter and less painful. The first year IS a hard one on everyone.
I believe that a year in a Sober House is a good plan for the family and the alcoholic as well. The Sober House can be near-by, so that visits with family is allowed. You can google "Oxford House"---it is a good example of what I am talking about. (I owned an Oxford House, at one time) I owned it and rented it to the Oxford House organization---I did not run it---but, I had a lot of contact with the residents and the administration).

During this time, you and the kids will have as much work on your plates as the recovering alcoholic---if the family is to thrive--at least, it gives the best chance.
You and the kids---especially You, must be open to changes and a lot of your own self reflection and examination. Any event in a family has ripple effects, throughout---that effects every member of the family to some extent.
Of course, aclcoholics are known for wanting what they want---and, the want it NOW. However, I think that it behooves you to look at the longer term Big Picture.

He may not fully understand what long term recovery looks like and what all is required---but it is ESSENTIAL that you do---as this is the only way that you can make the best decisions for the best welfare of yourself and your kids.
Knowledge is power.
Please continue to educate yourself....there is sooo much to know.
dandylion is offline  
Old 05-31-2021, 01:34 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
It didn’t occur to me that he wasn’t dry during those periods. I feel like I can tell when he’s been drinking, only because when he has no privacy and access to alcohol (on vacation and/or staying with family, for example) and isn’t drinking, he’s moody, withdrawn, and irritable.

Thanks for your input regarding my teens. I am glad I talked with them and was clear that we are the adults and will handle this. I needed their buy-in before confronting my husband, and honestly, I wasn’t sure how to do that without discussing Options A (telling him to leave) and B (we leave to stay with family or a hotel). Both would require logistical planning, including booking flights if we stayed with family. If my husband refused to leave, my teens would have to leave the home with me and they have appointments and practices this week that would be disrupted if we stayed with family. Staying in a hotel would mean tight quarters and would inconvenience them.

To answer your questions, no, I do not want more of the same. My husband called this morning and said he’d do whatever I asked of him to return home, and he is sorry for putting us through this. My two conditions that he agreed to was that he can come home after he chooses a recovery program and has attended the first meeting, and he commits to attending a family counseling session this week to agree to a plan going forward. I do not want to be in this situation again, and I need a plan that we all agree to in the event of a relapse.

He is at an AA meeting right now.

What do you think? Is our best chance for moving forward successfully as a family to keep him out of the home until he’s worked a program for a set period of time? I used to get so angry and take things personally, but you’re right- I’m no longer taking it personally after learning that this really is something that he cannot control without outside help. I have more compassion for him now, and I’m also feeling free from the anger and hurt, which for me is a big deal.
As the parent with the addiction, I think it is better for him to say "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to break free of the alcohol". That should be the focus. If he can just do that everything else will work out.
silentrun is offline  
Old 10-05-2021, 07:10 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
I agree with the others you'll need to talk to an attorney about housing, and if you can actually kick him out if he doesn't want to leave. At first, I tried making rules about not having alcohol in our house with my AH. When I'd come home to find him drunk, I'd tell him I can't force him to leave, but we both had agreed no drinking at the house. The first few times he did leave on his own, though unfortunately he'd spend that time continuing to drink in the hotel for an extended period. Eventually though, he flat out refused to leave. He told me that needing to leave was a "social boundary" and I couldn't control him. He was right in that I couldn't control him, so I ended up leaving instead. After cooling off he'd usually be upset and apologetic, but the lies and mistreatment followed shortly behind.

Your story about your husband reminds me of mine like that. My AH followed a sort of cycle of depression, drinking, guilt, hurtful comments and actions, anger, and apologies as well. He got to be incredibly defensive over any suggestion about working on maintaining recovery, or any perceived slight. His response to those was often angry lashing out in an attempt to hurt the other person (usually me, though he went after my mom and sister as well, which was part of my final straw) as much as he felt like they were hurting him. I was lucky to have my sister and her husband living close by where I could stay when I needed to leave. Your therapist is wise to suggest a safety plan for all of you. Even if you don't feel like he would physically harm any of you, the mental and emotional harm am addict causes to those around them is quite real.

I hope he's able to find a long term program and housing for his recovery. It will likely need to be at least a year of sobriety before his recovery has settled in. It's a long road ahead, but I think it sounds like you already have some good boundaries in place, and are putting yourself and your kids first.
Cookie314 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:51 AM.