Ended things with boyfriend last night after relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 3
Ended things with boyfriend last night after relapse
Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum, but so happy to have found it. I have been dating this man for about a year. A few months into the relationship, he told me had a problem with opiates/alcohol, and needed to get help. I had told him about my brother (actively addicted to opiates for many years now) so he had been nervous to tell me. Anyways, he went away to rehab, came back, and had been clean for about 6 months. Honestly, it felt as though he was just staying clean - not doing any of the healing or recovery work besides not using. He relapsed about a week ago and is almost through his withdrawals. We talked last night, and he said he thinks he just needs to focus on his recovery, and he knows he can't give me what I need right now. He said he needs to focus on himself, and we could spend our weekends together, but he needs to just work, come home, and get through his days during the week. I said it sounded like he needs to focus on himself, and I care more about him getting clean than I do about our relationship staying together. I know I was one of (if not the only) person he talked to about a lot of things, so I am worried I may have made the wrong choice by letting him go during this time... I also worry he's just shoving one more responsibility off his plate so he doesn't have to deal with the accountability of it. He tends to avoid anything that involves being uncomfortable or dealing with negative emotions (hard conversations, therapy, etc.) I want to help him, and I want to support him. I really love him and we had talked about a life together, but I don't know if I should just let him go.. I'm just looking for some insight from those who may have been in similar situations. My friends don't really understand, so I'm looking for help from those who have been there.
I am new to this forum, but so happy to have found it. I have been dating this man for about a year. A few months into the relationship, he told me had a problem with opiates/alcohol, and needed to get help. I had told him about my brother (actively addicted to opiates for many years now) so he had been nervous to tell me. Anyways, he went away to rehab, came back, and had been clean for about 6 months. Honestly, it felt as though he was just staying clean - not doing any of the healing or recovery work besides not using. He relapsed about a week ago and is almost through his withdrawals. We talked last night, and he said he thinks he just needs to focus on his recovery, and he knows he can't give me what I need right now. He said he needs to focus on himself, and we could spend our weekends together, but he needs to just work, come home, and get through his days during the week. I said it sounded like he needs to focus on himself, and I care more about him getting clean than I do about our relationship staying together. I know I was one of (if not the only) person he talked to about a lot of things, so I am worried I may have made the wrong choice by letting him go during this time... I also worry he's just shoving one more responsibility off his plate so he doesn't have to deal with the accountability of it. He tends to avoid anything that involves being uncomfortable or dealing with negative emotions (hard conversations, therapy, etc.) I want to help him, and I want to support him. I really love him and we had talked about a life together, but I don't know if I should just let him go.. I'm just looking for some insight from those who may have been in similar situations. My friends don't really understand, so I'm looking for help from those who have been there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
This is so hard
Truthfully, there isn’t anything you can do to help him, he has to help himself. The last thing you want to do is enable him because in my situation that causes resentment.
It’s such a hard place to be, loving an addict. I am still struggling 1.5 yr after he left me. But I do believe that these folks need to focus on themselves and really are incapable of healthy relationships while in and out of active addiction.
Keep your head up! Leah on your friends. Do things that make you happy!
It’s such a hard place to be, loving an addict. I am still struggling 1.5 yr after he left me. But I do believe that these folks need to focus on themselves and really are incapable of healthy relationships while in and out of active addiction.
Keep your head up! Leah on your friends. Do things that make you happy!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, SP1916. Bowielover gave some good advice.
Trying to change an active addict is futile and only makes US sick.
Waiting for them to change can also be a wild and jolting ride.
If love could change an addict, not one of us would be here.
Take a good read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information there that may help you.
You made a wise decision to give this some space. Maybe use this time for your own healing and to find your balance again.
Trying to change an active addict is futile and only makes US sick.
Waiting for them to change can also be a wild and jolting ride.
If love could change an addict, not one of us would be here.
Take a good read around, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information there that may help you.
You made a wise decision to give this some space. Maybe use this time for your own healing and to find your balance again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
SP1916,
I have been in a similar situation with my ex fiancé. I ended up leaving him in the end. I initally stood by him and helped him in any way I could. I stayed with him during his recovery journey, until I reached the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. He kept relapsing, he just didn't have the drive to quit. You said he has relapsed. That comes with the territory. Its not easy for them to quit, if it was, everyone would do it.
You’ll have many people here that will tell you to let him go. I wholeheartedly agree with those people. Be good to yourself and get the hell out. Believe me, loving an addict is frustrating, tiring, and will break you and your heart in ways you can not prepare for. Constant ups and downs. Give him time to focus on his recovery, stand on his own two feet and figure out how to be a productive member of society. Take care and make your well-being a priority.
I have been in a similar situation with my ex fiancé. I ended up leaving him in the end. I initally stood by him and helped him in any way I could. I stayed with him during his recovery journey, until I reached the point where I just couldn't do it anymore. He kept relapsing, he just didn't have the drive to quit. You said he has relapsed. That comes with the territory. Its not easy for them to quit, if it was, everyone would do it.
You’ll have many people here that will tell you to let him go. I wholeheartedly agree with those people. Be good to yourself and get the hell out. Believe me, loving an addict is frustrating, tiring, and will break you and your heart in ways you can not prepare for. Constant ups and downs. Give him time to focus on his recovery, stand on his own two feet and figure out how to be a productive member of society. Take care and make your well-being a priority.
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