Aquiana

This may be a bit off topic but since you guys are so good at advising I was hoping someone had a little more experience than I have in this situation.

My Abf was married before we got together and he has a 10 year old son. His ex wife very seldom lets him have any contact with his son. I don't know if his drinking had anything to do with the break up or if there was incidences before that makes her wary of him being around his son but I hate to make assumptions since it may not be a factor at all. I don't really believe he'd be dangerous to his son and I don't really believe she thinks that either. Mostly since it's okay some of the time but not all of the time.

Since we've been together he's only been able to see his son once. He calls just about every weekend at least once and she won't return his calls. I was really steamed at the beginning of August because she made plans for them to get together and then when he was at work she left a message here saying they weren't coming back and he'd have to make other plans. The bf was excited for weeks and she didn't even apoloqize or sound the least bit remorseful. When he finally saw his son it was because his son really wanted to see him. He even wanted to stay the weekend. She actually confessed that her parents had been telling him (son) bad things about his dad and that was why he didn't want to talk to him before that. She said she straightened it all out. Now three months have gone by and she won't return his calls again. Does anyone know what might be going on? Why would she hold it over his head like that? Mostly what I need help with is that I don't know what to say. I feel terrible for him because I know it breaks his heart. I don't have children so I don't know how to talk to him about it. Any ideas, please let me know.

Sorry so long....

journeygal

Hi Aquiana,

If your b/f is paying child support, then he needs to go to the courts and request visitation. The ex cannot keep him from seeing his son unless there's a court order in place saying he can't for some reason. A lot of fathers get caught up in this trap and don't want to get the courts involved. But trust me, it is much better for him to fight it now than have his son resent him years from now for not trying harder to see him. I've witnessed this with my husband and his daughter and it's a sad situation that could have and should have been avoided.

Take care,
JG

gelfling

Journeys' right on the money. Our problem came when they moved out of state and the mother said we would have to pay her airfare if we wanted to see her.

And ditto on seeing the child now and not waiting until they come banging on your door demanding to know why in the hell you never called, contacted or visited with them. We did get occasional calls from the mother complaining about the girl and we told her we would take her but she wouldn't let her go...why??? MONEY. Eventhough the grandmother was making all the girls clothes and paying for everything else.

Mom will fill the child's head with lies and the poor thing will believe it because you're not participating in their upbringing. Do whatever you can. Call the lawyer who handled the case on his behalf or call legal aid and tell them the story and see what steps you guys can take.

And every chance you have, tell the kid how much you love them.

wraybear

yep, it is really up to your husband to become a bit more demanding, and if that means court, so be it. My first husband lives about 2 miles down the road, and since his kids were 9 and 11, he sees them maybe once a year. He might send a birthday card and it gets here two weeks after their b-day. They are 18 and 20 now, and they don't care to see him at all. And they don't want to talk to him on the phone either. They want to have nothing to do with him. And, he boo hoos to his mother that it their fault. It is very sad. So, it is up to him to take action. If his son comes to him in 10 or 20 years, blaming it on his x won't make a bit of difference then.

I take it they live out of town? When he calls, he should ask for the son, not the x. And he should call as frequently as possible. And mail him things. Even if its just a little note. Maybe you could get your bf some "manly" note cards for his Christmas stocking, and a book of stamps. I have a friend whose X lives out of town, and they keep in contact several times a week. And, if you both have computers, a 10 year old is old enough to email.

But, of course, this is up to your bf, not up to you, to make this happen.

Aquiana

Thanks you guys. It's really sad. He tried to call them 4 times yesterday because he wanted to know what his son wanted for Christmas. The first 3 times it was busy, and the last time about a minute after there was no answer. Really nice....He left messages as to what it was about so she knows he just wants to get him something. As far as I know he went through the court system quite a few times in the beginning. Apparently her parents have quite a bit of money though so they just kept dragging him back with different lawyers till he couldn't afford it anymore. He always leaves the messages for his son although he really doesn't know if he ever gets them. By the sound of how excited his son was to see him last time, I'd guess he doesn't. I honestly don't get what she's doing. He never asks for much, just to talk to him every once in a while. I don't get how she could do that to his son either. He's obviously interested. I'm a little worried about what would happen it court. Are his impaireds going to work against him?

The idea of some "manly stationary" and stamps is a good one. I think I might to that.

wraybear

Maybe he should "ask for much." unless there is some kind of special custody arrangement that you are unaware of.

But again, this is HIS responsibility, not yours. With our addicts, we can start "taking over" and trying to get everything working and running in the order that WE think it should be and it ends up backfiring on us and then we feel like crap because we tried so hard to do the right thing and it turned into a horrible mess and we are a failure and on and on and on. (You have to read this last paragraph loud and really fast without taking a breath to get the full impact! LOL)

Take care of yourself! Peace!

journeygal

Tell your b/f to go to google and do a search on father's rights. There are a lot of organizations out there that work with fathers being screwed over by the system. If his ex's family has a lot of money, then maybe some of these groups can help him find a legal way around it. But again, it's up to him. And yes, he definitely needs to work on staying sober.

Good luck!

Magichappens

What is probably going on is the sick family dynamic of alcoholism. It has probably affected his ex as severely as any other spouse. If she hasn't sought help, she probably still carries a lot of resentment, and has huge control issues. Just like the rest of us before we start recovering.

Like others have said, it's up to him how far he will go to have contact. There have been a lot of good suggestions here. Hugs, Magic

Aquiana

There definitely was a lot of good suggestions and I'll talk to them about all of them. I am trying to keep myself out of it. I can give him suggestions but I won't try to push him to do anything. I don't think my sticking my nose into the business on this one is going to help anyone. His biggest obstacle right at the moment I think is just getting himself to the point he wants to try again. It was very painful for him and he got so frusterated by the fact he couldn't get anywhere but broke. I'll let him know what everyone said and thanx!