Milano58

So, my EXAH paid for an alcoholic assessment for a court hearing. The assessor was incredibly aggressive towards me in his report. Says that 10 drink-related arrests in nothing as he usually sees 50-100. I don't know who has 50-100 drink-related arrests bar gangs or hardened criminals but it's quite an extreme ruler to measure EXAH up against.
Says EXAH doesn't meet the DMRV5 tick list (cept when I do it). Says my perception is flawed cos my dad was an alcoholic. I was assaulted by EXAH when he was drunk.
I'm just stunned that anybody would say there's no problem here. EXAH paid for it so obviously biased. Has anybody else had to deal with crap like this?

Seren

As I recall, others here have dealt with biased reports of this sort. I'm afraid I don't remember specifically who at the moment. Hopefully others will come along who can be more help. I believe collecting your own statistics to answer the report would be helpful. Even inquiring about the professional standing of the person who wrote the report?

ladyscribbler

My ex was court ordered to do a professional substance abuse assessment in order to exercise his visitation. It was a bit of a joke, since he was the source of all the information and his primary goal was to be able to keep drinking. I heard the same kind of minimization from professionals who seemed utterly ignorant of the inevitable trajectory of untreated alcoholism and seemed to believe that he was able to moderate his drinking since I (the source of all of his stress and cause of all his problems) left.

He did plenty of sleazy stuff before the trial, and in real time, I was afraid. Most of what he did ended up being either pointless or it worked against him. Everything he did was to protect his drinking, not his time with our son. He was paying for a very expensive smokescreen. The best thing I did was to keep going to my Al Anon meetings and talking to my therapist. I was able to (mostly) keep my cool and handle things in a businesslike way. His lawyer wanted to read the journals I'd kept since leaving, they were on the discovery request list. At first, I was sick about it, then I sat down and read through the journals. You know what? I am extremely boring. So I handed them over. Hundreds of handwritten pages for them to comb through to discover such bombshells as what kind of tea I drank every morning.

Don't let his nonsense intimidate you. Keep doing what you're doing, showing up to protect your family. Sending strength your way.

Milano58

Thanks for responding...feels good not to be alone. Ye report was independent, EXAH paid for it. So only source was him and some if our court affidavits. Never read police family violence report. The court findings were all about protecting his rights to drink and seeing as he was conviction free for 2years he's all better now. I'm back where I started waiting for the next conviction...and oblivious to any incidents where theres no conviction.
They totally bought his smokescreen of new partner (looks good on FB but friends who've seen them say it's not a relationship), new promotion...gone from filling potholes to desk job. I was the reason he spiralled.....cos I had a hang up about his drinking. Now that I'm gone and he's allowed to drink like a normal guy..theres no problem. Cept...he was drinking like normal guy long before he met me and was still getting into trouble. But they chalked that up to his age.

Where I live has the highest rate of domestic violence in the world. I just feel so gaslit right now.

trailmix

Sadly things become the "norm" when there is no push back. Highest rate of domestic violence but no particular astonishment about 10 drink-related arrests!

Well if he speaks the truth then he may have a bias in all this as 10 drink related arrests is huge! The fact that he can't see that is a reflection on him.

This is one of those you - know what you know - situations but it's made very difficult when you come up against the crazy things like this. I'm sorry you have to put up with this drivel Milano.