How do I help my boyfriend who may or may not be an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Feb 2020
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How do I help my boyfriend who may or may not be an alcoholic?
I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 25. We’ve been together about 7 months.
Soon after we started seeing each other my boyfriend went out one night and got very drunk with his friends. The next day he barely spoke to me and I knew something was wrong immediately. Turns out he suffers from intense shame and anxiety the day after drinking, because his uncle died of alcoholism and his mother drilled it into him that he would be an alcoholic since he was a child.
Since then, I have noticed he does seem to drink quite a lot. We pretty much lived together in lockdown and for the first couple of months he never drank - I don’t drink really. Then as time went on he began having beers every night. Whenever he sees his friends he gets very drunk and sometimes doesn’t respond to my texts for hours the next day because he’s hungover in bed. When I spend time with him in the week he drinks beer each night, sometimes drinking 8 or more cans and not appearing very drunk at all. He’s rarely ever unpleasant when he drinks.
I’d like to help him. I don’t know how I can do that because I don’t know if he’s actually got a problem. Does anyone have any advice?
Soon after we started seeing each other my boyfriend went out one night and got very drunk with his friends. The next day he barely spoke to me and I knew something was wrong immediately. Turns out he suffers from intense shame and anxiety the day after drinking, because his uncle died of alcoholism and his mother drilled it into him that he would be an alcoholic since he was a child.
Since then, I have noticed he does seem to drink quite a lot. We pretty much lived together in lockdown and for the first couple of months he never drank - I don’t drink really. Then as time went on he began having beers every night. Whenever he sees his friends he gets very drunk and sometimes doesn’t respond to my texts for hours the next day because he’s hungover in bed. When I spend time with him in the week he drinks beer each night, sometimes drinking 8 or more cans and not appearing very drunk at all. He’s rarely ever unpleasant when he drinks.
I’d like to help him. I don’t know how I can do that because I don’t know if he’s actually got a problem. Does anyone have any advice?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by emp4th 
I’d like to help him. I don’t know how I can do that because I don’t know if he’s actually got a problem. Does anyone have any advice?
The thing is, there really isn't anything you can do, it's his problem (or he may not even think it is a real problem) not yours. He will quit drinking, or not, when he is ready and not before.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
He obviously has a huge attachment to alcohol. Unless he has specifically asked for your help (ie: can you help me find a rehab or can you drive me to an AA meeting) then what help is there to give?
So, the only question really is, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks to excess? That ball is well and truly in your court, you can't change someone else, but you can make decisions about how you want to proceed with your life.
I would recommend reading the stickies at the top of the forum and the threads in the forum as well. A good place to start in the stickies is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
He doesn't have a problem.
You may.
Drinking 8 cans of beer an evening and not passing out or getting sick means his body is accustomed to drinking a lot on a regular basis. I would consider that a red flag waving furiously. He drinks a lot. His body is used to him drinking a lot. That he's 'rarely' unpleasant is nice, I guess. But he drinks enough to be hungover - sometimes?
He hasn't asked for help, nor have you written that he wishes to change his lifestyle, and if he did, there's absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Is this form of relationship what YOU had in mind? Someone drinking this much is not what I'd want in a partner. At 23, I'm curious: are you dating for fun, or are you looking for someone to share your life with? Don't get sucked into "he has so much potential." We all have potential. I may have had the 'potential' to be a rocket scientist, but that generally requires one be good at math. I lacked the interest to work hard at that, so I'm not a rocket scientist. But 'potential'? Yup I'm loaded with it.
If and when HE decides this lifestyle isn't what he wants, you can get out of the way and not sabotage him. Other than that, you have some thinking to do as to whether you want to stay and plan a life with someone who drinks a lot, blows you off when he's hungover, is 'rarely unpleasant', feels54t shame about his drinking - and has no desire to change.
You may.
Drinking 8 cans of beer an evening and not passing out or getting sick means his body is accustomed to drinking a lot on a regular basis. I would consider that a red flag waving furiously. He drinks a lot. His body is used to him drinking a lot. That he's 'rarely' unpleasant is nice, I guess. But he drinks enough to be hungover - sometimes?
He hasn't asked for help, nor have you written that he wishes to change his lifestyle, and if he did, there's absolutely nothing you can do to help him. Is this form of relationship what YOU had in mind? Someone drinking this much is not what I'd want in a partner. At 23, I'm curious: are you dating for fun, or are you looking for someone to share your life with? Don't get sucked into "he has so much potential." We all have potential. I may have had the 'potential' to be a rocket scientist, but that generally requires one be good at math. I lacked the interest to work hard at that, so I'm not a rocket scientist. But 'potential'? Yup I'm loaded with it.
If and when HE decides this lifestyle isn't what he wants, you can get out of the way and not sabotage him. Other than that, you have some thinking to do as to whether you want to stay and plan a life with someone who drinks a lot, blows you off when he's hungover, is 'rarely unpleasant', feels54t shame about his drinking - and has no desire to change.
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emp......without a doubt, he has a problem----he meets the criteria for alcoholism, and more.
His behaviors are not those of a "normal" drinker---meaning, a person who can have control over their drinking.
He is, at this point, under the control of his disease of alcoholism. If you like, you can even call it "Alcohol Use Disorder"...but it is the same thing.
It really doesn't matter that he "is rarely unpleasant when he drinks". Of course, this probably is of some consolation for you, at this time----but, one of the characteristics of alcoholism is that it is ALWAYS progressive, unless he gets into a treatment program that he adheres to for the REST of his life.
Emp---our of an abundance of love for a fellow woman---I am going to have to tell you something that you probably are going to hate to hear-----
If you hitch your star to his wagon, I see a lot of heartbreak for you, in your future. And, his alcoholism will sully your 20's---which should be one of the best and most fun decades of your life.
I will ask you this---please, please, read the Classic Readings that Trailmix gave you to link to---within the Stickies, above the regular threads. There are m ore than 100 of excellent articles, there.
In addition, I am going to suggest that you read the most frequently recommended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More". You can get it on amazon.com, in the book section---or, at your local library. It is an easy read, and I think that a lot of it will really resonate with you!
I am glad that you are here, because there is sooo much to learn about this thing.
Remember, that knowledge is power.
You are fortunate to be able to learn so much at such a young age.
His behaviors are not those of a "normal" drinker---meaning, a person who can have control over their drinking.
He is, at this point, under the control of his disease of alcoholism. If you like, you can even call it "Alcohol Use Disorder"...but it is the same thing.
It really doesn't matter that he "is rarely unpleasant when he drinks". Of course, this probably is of some consolation for you, at this time----but, one of the characteristics of alcoholism is that it is ALWAYS progressive, unless he gets into a treatment program that he adheres to for the REST of his life.
Emp---our of an abundance of love for a fellow woman---I am going to have to tell you something that you probably are going to hate to hear-----
If you hitch your star to his wagon, I see a lot of heartbreak for you, in your future. And, his alcoholism will sully your 20's---which should be one of the best and most fun decades of your life.
I will ask you this---please, please, read the Classic Readings that Trailmix gave you to link to---within the Stickies, above the regular threads. There are m ore than 100 of excellent articles, there.
In addition, I am going to suggest that you read the most frequently recommended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More". You can get it on amazon.com, in the book section---or, at your local library. It is an easy read, and I think that a lot of it will really resonate with you!
I am glad that you are here, because there is sooo much to learn about this thing.
Remember, that knowledge is power.
You are fortunate to be able to learn so much at such a young age.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I think it is really about what you want for your life?
Do you want to get dragged along by a drinker and all that comes with it?
Have a read around on here which will give you an insight about what being with an alcoholic partner is like.
I congratulate you on your awareness and that you are reaching out about this. Take care.
Do you want to get dragged along by a drinker and all that comes with it?
Have a read around on here which will give you an insight about what being with an alcoholic partner is like.
I congratulate you on your awareness and that you are reaching out about this. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by emp4th
his mother drilled it into him that he would be an alcoholic......
We pretty much lived together in lockdown and for the first couple of months he never drank
We pretty much lived together in lockdown and for the first couple of months he never drank
1. His mother might have caught him drinking in his youth. Also, AA says that alcoholism is a family disease.
2. Alcoholics can be very crafty at hiding their drinking, especially if it could negatively impact their living arrangements. I would bet he drank the first couple of months and hid it from you.
With the others here, I PLEAD with you to escape this situation. You are not living together now, so that is one less entanglement to deal with. Sorry to be blunt, but bringing children into a scenario like this would be cruel to them.
You could search the whole wide world and not meet one person who is sorry they didn't marry an alcoholic. On this forum, you will find thousands who are sorry they did.
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