Enkbaa

Dears:
I am still hurt, My partner and I seperated due to his alcoholic problem since January, however we have been together on and off for last fiver years. I knew from the begininning his proble, I was Ok with that. Because I am still in love with him. Besides the alcohol, we have ups and downs with so many things, but I accept all those, or ignore them and move one.
But this time, I seem I can't move on, last three years consecutively, he ignored my birthdays ever year on April. Even he knew my birthday, first year he ignored and went with his friend's place for woodwork, then last year we were living together, he did not do any thing and this year while we were seperated he did not call me or anything, later he said he just forgot.
I feel so bad since then I never contacted him, he as well did not call me.
What does it mean somone special forgets your birthday or ignores it?
I still feel so unvalued by him.... mean time, I still miss him. Could you pleare spare your thoughts and concerns.
Thanks.
Enkh

SparkleKitty

My dear friend -- I am so sorry you are hurting like this. When we choose to share our lives with someone in active addiction, we put our hearts at risk. We often find ourselves coming second to alcohol. This is such a miserable situation that we pretend we are okay with that, we deny the hurt, and push our feelings aside because we want what the relationship is supposed to bring.

All that pushing and pretending wears on our sense of self-esteem. We forget that we deserve more, because we keep accepting so much less than we deserve.

Yes he does undervalue you, because his addiction will always come first. There isn't anything you can do to change that.

You can, however, change how much you value yourself.

trailmix

You are under valued, yes you are.

When you think about this relationship, what does it give you? Nothing except periodic "niceness"? You deserve so much more than that from a partner.

Someone in active addiction cannot give you more than that. What do you want for your life? Do you want to get married eventually? Have children? Addicted people make terrible parents.

I'm sorry you are so hurt, he is focusing on his alcohol while you focus on the relationship, that can't be good for you. What do you want in your life?

dandylion

Enkbaa......In my experience, it takes longer than this to get past the grieving process. You are sttill relatively early on, in my opinion.
As time goes on, your feelings will change.

D122y

It is important to have people to lean on.

Humans are social and without interaction with others we will become atypical.

So, if your boyfriend is not hanging around with you, you should find others. They don't have to be intimate, but they need to be around you a reasonable amount of time.

At least a few hours per day, a few times a week.

I get tons of social interaction at my job and then my wife, dog, and sometimes family and friends.

You didn't mention any other in this post, but maybe you have that.

Sober folks have sober routines. It begins when we get up in the AM. Mine starts with a quick hustle out the door for work or a leisurely coffee ritual on my days off.

Hope these thoughts help you in some way.

Thanks.

Enkbaa

Dearest SparkleKitty:
What a friendly face, thanks always replying kindly and generously everytime I post, I am infrequent poster, only when I have problem, but you guys always welcome me and give your kind thughts.
I logged here before, but I forgot my password so I cant go log in with old address. So I opened new address here. I am back to 2018 first logged in since then I really educated myself with the issues of the man I am attached and my own perblem too. But still things not getting well. I tried to end the relationship with this guy almost 10 times or even more since 2015, but everytime I failed, I am so scared...... even he did bad things to me, even after 11 months seperation, I was still ended up going back to him....... I am failure, not him.....
Thanks so much understanding me and giving me time to think.

Enkbaa

Dearest Trailmix:
You never failed me, you always kindly responded when I posted since 2018 infrequently, I appreciate your time and kindness.
You are absoultely right Trailmix since I got your feedback I was thinking, but immediately replying........ You mentioned "periodic "niceness"?" I think this is it, some members said here too that I might have the attachmend disorder... Except the periodic "niceness", you aced it. For me this is maybe physicall closeness to him. He never worked all the time fully or never paid rent, but for me that was OK..... he never celebrated my birthdays never surprised me with anythings. Its was only periodic "niceness" that I was comforted.... OMG..... I really try to end the relationship but somehow, I ended up with him even after 11 months seperation and even he distanced and asked me to have an abortion when I got pregnant, but I still wanted to be with him. Something very nasty is going here with me.

Enkbaa

Dear my Dandylion:
Even we never meet, you, sparklekitty, trailmix are always close to me and kindly respond and share your concerns. Thanks thanks......
I have some login problem with old acocunt so I came back with new account. here I am again with hurt feelings and unhopefull future. He still drinks gotten worse, 3-4 weeks everyday and seizures every year... no full time job or income. Occational and seasonal work if lucky.
Yet, I am still attached to him and I cant give up on him... I am so mad at myself, since 2015 I tried to end the unhealthy relationship, I am still attached. I have some childhood problem I understand but why its for me so difficult to break it with him..... Thanks for understanding me and responding me kindly. I think it should have passed enough time after the grieving process. yeah?

Enkbaa

D122y:
Thank you so much for your reply and advises. I really appreciate your time to read my problem and shared your thoughts. I feel so much loser at this time, not having healthy relationship, not securing financially own apartment, the most of all cannot cut the unhealthy relationship since I am struggling 2015 despite the bad treatments I still hang on there and stay for the periodic niceness as the fellow member mentioned.
Thanks, I will try to stay with more family members and we lived at his parents place since prior to seperation, now I got back to my family. Before we rented apartment together then my work did not pay well, so we move to his parents place.....

dandylion

Enk........actually, no....I don't think it is necessarily past the time of grief, for you. Every time you are back together with him---and, then separate, again---I believe the grieving goes back to the early stages, again. It is like opening a wound all over, again.
Be reuniting, again---I think you are getting what is called "intermittent reinforcement", in psychology. You can google intermittent reinforcement and read about it.
It also sounds like you are in the "Cycle of Abuse". When he is nice to you, that keeps you stuck in the cycle. This is well known in psychology.
I am not sure what country you are in---so I don't know how your health system works.
Your situation requires lots of support from a support group and specialized therapy. Don't try to go through this alone--it is too hard to do alone.
Please speak to someone in a position to help you find the kind of support that you need as someone who is in an abusive relationship.

With enough help and support you can absolutely grow beyond this relationship....and, find enough time to completely grieve it until you reach a stage of healing.

FallenAngelina

I would go further and say that it's impossible to do alone.

If a lasting and stable change is desired, a structure of change is paramount and that means forming a change community around oneself. My experience is that nobody is ever stuck with an attachment disorder - it's something that we can heal and change - but only with a consistent and long term change structure. It's impossible to truly change deeply ingrained thinking patterns on one's own, but it's definitely possible with a roadmap and a structure laid out by others who have successfully done so.

Enkbaa

Dandylion,
"intermittent reinforcement" Thank you. I googled it and its what is, sure. I really need therapy and group support to break the vicious cycle.

Enkbaa

Thank you dear FallenAngelina:
"a structure of change is paramount" is very true, I really appreciate your kind advice, I really need fundamental change. I have some own issue, that I cant solve myself. I have to change my thinking pattern as you mentioned. You're right.

Enkbaa

I am from Mongolia.

Ariesagain

Enkbaa, I’m so sorry you’re going through such a painful time. You’ve gotten very good advice from others, so I just want to send you a hug.

Enkbaa

Thanks dear Ariesagain,
For your support response, yes, I awlays get the kindest supporta nd advices. Hugs.