Fear
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Fear
Someone remind me why it’s worth it to leave NADDH. Pressure coming from adult kids—they aren’t going to be here anyway.
Fear is my problem. Fear of being alone, fear of the process of divorce, fear of what mind games and financial games he’ll play, fear of the anger coming from in laws whom I rarely see, just fear. Fear despite years of good therapy. I need some help here and I’m not gonna go get tranquilizers or anything to deal with it.
I am completely pathetic, and here only out of fear.
Fear is my problem. Fear of being alone, fear of the process of divorce, fear of what mind games and financial games he’ll play, fear of the anger coming from in laws whom I rarely see, just fear. Fear despite years of good therapy. I need some help here and I’m not gonna go get tranquilizers or anything to deal with it.
I am completely pathetic, and here only out of fear.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
First, you are not pathetic. That you are even challenging your own fear shows your inner strength. That you keep coming back does too.
You are caught between the known/familiar and the unknown. Only the unknown offers the possibility of a better life for yourself. Your current situation, at best, will remain the same. It will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If you leave, things might be harder, at least for a time, but one thing you will not have holding you back is his constant, oppressive presence. You will have more control over your surroundings and who knows, perhaps with some space and some time, the things you are afraid of now won’t looks so terrifying.
Don’t under estimate your ability to come into your own.
You are caught between the known/familiar and the unknown. Only the unknown offers the possibility of a better life for yourself. Your current situation, at best, will remain the same. It will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If you leave, things might be harder, at least for a time, but one thing you will not have holding you back is his constant, oppressive presence. You will have more control over your surroundings and who knows, perhaps with some space and some time, the things you are afraid of now won’t looks so terrifying.
Don’t under estimate your ability to come into your own.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
First, you are not pathetic. That you are even challenging your own fear shows your inner strength. That you keep coming back does too.
You are caught between the known/familiar and the unknown. Only the unknown offers the possibility of a better life for yourself. Your current situation, at best, will remain the same. It will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If you leave, things might be harder, at least for a time, but one thing you will not have holding you back is his constant, oppressive presence. You will have more control over your surroundings and who knows, perhaps with some space and some time, the things you are afraid of now won’t looks so terrifying.
Don’t under estimate your ability to come into your own.
You are caught between the known/familiar and the unknown. Only the unknown offers the possibility of a better life for yourself. Your current situation, at best, will remain the same. It will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If you leave, things might be harder, at least for a time, but one thing you will not have holding you back is his constant, oppressive presence. You will have more control over your surroundings and who knows, perhaps with some space and some time, the things you are afraid of now won’t looks so terrifying.
Don’t under estimate your ability to come into your own.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
At the other side of fear there is freedom. The only way out of fear is to work through it. It may be very hard pizza but so is living like you are now.
it sounds to me that you are getting ready to fly, like a little bird about to leave the nest for the first time. You have been building up to this for a long time. Keep going, one step at a time.
Your own strength will amaze you.
it sounds to me that you are getting ready to fly, like a little bird about to leave the nest for the first time. You have been building up to this for a long time. Keep going, one step at a time.
Your own strength will amaze you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by pizza67
thank you for your kindness. He is constantly intimidating me with vague threats: about “seeking pleasure he’s denied himself “ if we split, hinting I’d be poor, slamming doors. He is trying to scare me into submission in his indirect, impossible to pin down way.
We often have so much more power than others want us to believe. When I was willing to risk being uncomfortable, I found that the things I was most afraid of--being alone, being able to support myself--were the things I ended up treasuring most about deciding to leave.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by pizza67
The problem is that if i go it’s because the kids said pick them or him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I commend you on your courage in admitting to yourself and us that you are afraid.
I feel it is very brave of you. I admire that you did it. You are certainly not pathetic.
It sounds to me too that you are starting to feel ready to make changes. Sending you virtual hugs
I feel it is very brave of you. I admire that you did it. You are certainly not pathetic.
It sounds to me too that you are starting to feel ready to make changes. Sending you virtual hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by pizza67
The problem is that if i go it’s because the kids said pick them or him. But then they won’t be here will they. This is where the worst fear comes in.
As for the kids giving you an ultimatum, well, that is really beside the point (truly). The in-laws anger - beside the point, your AH somehow ruining you financially - beside the point.
All of these things have nothing to do with you and your decision. The only question is, would you be happier to leave, that's it. When we are fearful it's all too easy to put road blocks in our way so that we don't have to make any decision/move forward.
When I left my first Husband, I didn't even have a job. Granted we sold the house first, so I wasn't penniless, but I needed to get a job, which I did, the first one that was offered, even though it wasn't convenient and not a job I liked particularly. I rented an apartment with my child.
I got married at 19, I hadn't ever really had to "fend" for myself, so none of this was comfortable. Am I some brave little soldier - umm no. But I did know what was right and what was right was for me to separate from him. So I made that decision.
Make a decision and stick with it.
Control of this situation, all the other people, is not in your control. What the kids/in laws say, what you AH says, you have no control over any of them, although I think you might think you do? I think you are looking at this like chess. If you move that way, AH berates you and takes all the money, if you move that way, the wrath of the children will follow or the comments from the in-laws.
Fear of being alone? You would be better off living off the grid in a cabin than living with that man.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Idk if I would be happier. He definitely makes me unhappy a lot of the time, but I am not a happy person in general. It’s the kids ultimatum that pushes me forward despite how he’s abused me. And I will be inconsolable if I do it and then the kids are now where to be seen. That’s just the truth and you can judge me however you need to. It’s how I honestly feel.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I'm not sure what you mean by this? Are you concerned about others' perception of why you are leaving? Or are you saying that if it weren't for the kids' saying this, you wouldn't want to leave?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
It sounds like the kids can see your suffering much more clearly than you can. It sounds to me that they love you very much and don't want to watch you being mistreated any longer.
you may "know" you are being mistreated. I certainly did. It was only with time and distance that it dawned on me just how badly I had been treated. I was used to it. I convinced myself it wasn't that bad. It often wasn't. But now living in my own, which has taken a long time to get used to, I realise it's so much more peaceful and pleasant. I'm not stressed out and anxious. I do things at my own pace. I make good decisions all by myself. I'm learning lots about me and about the world. I'm no longer stagnating and accepting the unacceptable.
I think your kids have got your back pizza
you may "know" you are being mistreated. I certainly did. It was only with time and distance that it dawned on me just how badly I had been treated. I was used to it. I convinced myself it wasn't that bad. It often wasn't. But now living in my own, which has taken a long time to get used to, I realise it's so much more peaceful and pleasant. I'm not stressed out and anxious. I do things at my own pace. I make good decisions all by myself. I'm learning lots about me and about the world. I'm no longer stagnating and accepting the unacceptable.
I think your kids have got your back pizza
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by pizza67
Idk if I would be happier. He definitely makes me unhappy a lot of the time, but I am not a happy person in general. It’s the kids ultimatum that pushes me forward despite how he’s abused me. And I will be inconsolable if I do it and then the kids are now where to be seen. That’s just the truth and you can judge me however you need to. It’s how I honestly feel.
Why would the kids be nowhere to be seen (if you leave your AH)? Where does that thought come from? They are getting older, they will go their own ways, they will move out and have their own partners and their own lives, but there is no reason you can't be part of that. They obviously love you. They see ahead, they will have wives/husbands/children, they don't want him around their family or friends.
Don't you think that's pretty significant?
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
It sounds to me like your kids are, in their own way, attempting to do an intervention. They are telling you that you have choices, but if you choose not to leave this awful situation, they will pull away from you. That is what happens during an intervention. You can call it an ultimatum, but basically, that is what an intervention is.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He definitely makes me unhappy a lot of the time, but I am not a happy person in general.
Isn’t it worth a try?
I hear your sadness and desperation because I think you have been repeatedly told that there are only two choices here…a miserable life with him or a miserable life without him because your kids won’t be there for you anyway. What if there is a third choice? Or a fourth or a fifth?
Lots of women end up living alone and discover they LOVE it. For once, you could just concentrate on your own needs and discover who you are when you’re not being browbeaten on all sides. Is there a way to test that theory, even for a couple of days? Go check into a hotel for even a long weekend, turn off your phone and see how it feels NOT to be dancing to everyone else’s tune?
As for this…
He is constantly intimidating me with vague threats: about “seeking pleasure he’s denied himself”
I left my first husband with about $400 in my checking account and no family I could even tell or that lived nearby. I had friends, but not many. I was scared to bits, but I also knew that if I wanted anything out of my life other than living by his rules and his schedule and his demands and his putdowns I needed to get out. I didn’t even know what else I wanted, but all I kept hearing in my head was, “NOT THIS.”
You deserve better. You deserve NOT THIS. You deserve to choose your own path and even your own kids don’t get to tell you what that is, let alone your peach of a husband.
I wish you well. I wish you strength. I wish you courage.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza......I hope you will forgive me for being redundant, but, I am going to say the same thing that I have been saying to you for a long time. From all that you have shared, I think you are attempting to do this (the leaving part) basically, by yourself. I don't think that you have a support team that is available and has your back.
The reason that I say this is this---Most of my life, I have worked with people, as a medical person. as a nurse and physician assistant in many areas--but,with a lot of time working in psychiatry and related areas. One of the things that I have learned, by observation, over and over is that those who make the most progress--and faster--are those with the most human support in their immediate environment. This is sooo essential to all humans...every one of us.
I do hear your fear--and, I know that it is real. In fact, most of all of the thousands of members that have come here, express the same kind of fear that you are telling us about.
One of the biggest obstacles that I have seen---when someone is facing difficult challenges---is resistance to ask for or to accept help. This applies to any kind of issues that a person is facing. Of course, there can be many reasons that a person is resistant to help and unwilling to accept it---but, the fact remains that it is a major, majpr factor, in my experience.
everyone needs a "soft place to fall", and I don't see where you have it.
Another thing that can be observed, even on this very forum---And I will say this loudly (lol).---Anyone who has the strength to live with an alcoholic, or an abusive person, or just a daily jerk, has more than enough inner strength to live without them! You, absolutely, have the strength (and considerable intellligence)...but, you are just lacking the kind of support that you need for this kind of situation.
I believe that you are believing a lot of things that are simply not true...and, that you have been given some false information from some misinformed others.
The first and most obvious sources of help is the local domestic violence organization(s). I know that you hate the idea---but, you may need to just suck that up for thi s moment. How do I know this---because, over the years I have sent many, many women to them for help and they got an abundance of support and very practical help. Some with children and some without.
They have soo many resources at their fingertips that you may not even know that exists.
I suggest that you talk to them and ask them for a referral to a legal person who works with your kind of situation. You need this kind of specialized and competent legal advice in your camp.
You, also, need a face to face support group of others who understand what you are going through. The Covid immunization is now available, so this will be much easier than it was before.
You say that you have had years of "good therapy"....but, I propose that you may need a different therapist---one that you can work with to overcome your fears.
Through the domestic violence organization, you can get support and help with the following--(and much more)...Housing (safe housing, if necessary). financial help, transportation, legal help, a liaison to accompany you to court, etc. to help you through your divorce fears, psychological counseling, medical expenses, and accessability, food cards,
Plus, you will have an understand friend to talk to at any time you need. Confidential and non-judgemental.
Pizza...you will not be thrown to the street, peniless---that is illegal! You children will not leave you. They sound very concerned about you.
The way it is going---it sounds ;like you stand more of a chance of pushing them further away by staying in this situation as it is.
You have said, many times that he has a "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" along with a couple of other personality disorders. You say that you are a mental health professonal---so you should know that those with true narcissistic personality disorders are the most resistant to change--almost never happens. I think that your hope that there is something that you can do to bring about any kind of change will always fall on hard stone.
There are, also,some other sources of compassionate human support---I will be happy to suggest them---but, this is becoming very long--- and, my fingers are about to falloff...lol.
The reason that I say this is this---Most of my life, I have worked with people, as a medical person. as a nurse and physician assistant in many areas--but,with a lot of time working in psychiatry and related areas. One of the things that I have learned, by observation, over and over is that those who make the most progress--and faster--are those with the most human support in their immediate environment. This is sooo essential to all humans...every one of us.
I do hear your fear--and, I know that it is real. In fact, most of all of the thousands of members that have come here, express the same kind of fear that you are telling us about.
One of the biggest obstacles that I have seen---when someone is facing difficult challenges---is resistance to ask for or to accept help. This applies to any kind of issues that a person is facing. Of course, there can be many reasons that a person is resistant to help and unwilling to accept it---but, the fact remains that it is a major, majpr factor, in my experience.
everyone needs a "soft place to fall", and I don't see where you have it.
Another thing that can be observed, even on this very forum---And I will say this loudly (lol).---Anyone who has the strength to live with an alcoholic, or an abusive person, or just a daily jerk, has more than enough inner strength to live without them! You, absolutely, have the strength (and considerable intellligence)...but, you are just lacking the kind of support that you need for this kind of situation.
I believe that you are believing a lot of things that are simply not true...and, that you have been given some false information from some misinformed others.
The first and most obvious sources of help is the local domestic violence organization(s). I know that you hate the idea---but, you may need to just suck that up for thi s moment. How do I know this---because, over the years I have sent many, many women to them for help and they got an abundance of support and very practical help. Some with children and some without.
They have soo many resources at their fingertips that you may not even know that exists.
I suggest that you talk to them and ask them for a referral to a legal person who works with your kind of situation. You need this kind of specialized and competent legal advice in your camp.
You, also, need a face to face support group of others who understand what you are going through. The Covid immunization is now available, so this will be much easier than it was before.
You say that you have had years of "good therapy"....but, I propose that you may need a different therapist---one that you can work with to overcome your fears.
Through the domestic violence organization, you can get support and help with the following--(and much more)...Housing (safe housing, if necessary). financial help, transportation, legal help, a liaison to accompany you to court, etc. to help you through your divorce fears, psychological counseling, medical expenses, and accessability, food cards,
Plus, you will have an understand friend to talk to at any time you need. Confidential and non-judgemental.
Pizza...you will not be thrown to the street, peniless---that is illegal! You children will not leave you. They sound very concerned about you.
The way it is going---it sounds ;like you stand more of a chance of pushing them further away by staying in this situation as it is.
You have said, many times that he has a "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" along with a couple of other personality disorders. You say that you are a mental health professonal---so you should know that those with true narcissistic personality disorders are the most resistant to change--almost never happens. I think that your hope that there is something that you can do to bring about any kind of change will always fall on hard stone.
There are, also,some other sources of compassionate human support---I will be happy to suggest them---but, this is becoming very long--- and, my fingers are about to falloff...lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by dandylion
pizza......I hope you will forgive me for being redundant, but, I am going to say the same thing that I have been saying to you for a long time. From all that you have shared, I think you are attempting to do this (the leaving part) basically, by yourself. I don't think that you have a support team that is available and has your back.
The reason that I say this is this---Most of my life, I have worked with people, as a medical person. as a nurse and physician assistant in many areas--but,with a lot of time working in psychiatry and related areas. One of the things that I have learned, by observation, over and over is that those who make the most progress--and faster--are those with the most human support in their immediate environment. This is sooo essential to all humans...every one of us.
I do hear your fear--and, I know that it is real. In fact, most of all of the thousands of members that have come here, express the same kind of fear that you are telling us about.
One of the biggest obstacles that I have seen---when someone is facing difficult challenges---is resistance to ask for or to accept help. This applies to any kind of issues that a person is facing. Of course, there can be many reasons that a person is resistant to help and unwilling to accept it---but, the fact remains that it is a major, majpr factor, in my experience.
everyone needs a "soft place to fall", and I don't see where you have it.
Another thing that can be observed, even on this very forum---And I will say this loudly (lol).---Anyone who has the strength to live with an alcoholic, or an abusive person, or just a daily jerk, has more than enough inner strength to live without them! You, absolutely, have the strength (and considerable intellligence)...but, you are just lacking the kind of support that you need for this kind of situation.
I believe that you are believing a lot of things that are simply not true...and, that you have been given some false information from some misinformed others.
The first and most obvious sources of help is the local domestic violence organization(s). I know that you hate the idea---but, you may need to just suck that up for thi s moment. How do I know this---because, over the years I have sent many, many women to them for help and they got an abundance of support and very practical help. Some with children and some without.
They have soo many resources at their fingertips that you may not even know that exists.
I suggest that you talk to them and ask them for a referral to a legal person who works with your kind of situation. You need this kind of specialized and competent legal advice in your camp.
You, also, need a face to face support group of others who understand what you are going through. The Covid immunization is now available, so this will be much easier than it was before.
You say that you have had years of "good therapy"....but, I propose that you may need a different therapist---one that you can work with to overcome your fears.
Through the domestic violence organization, you can get support and help with the following--(and much more)...Housing (safe housing, if necessary). financial help, transportation, legal help, a liaison to accompany you to court, etc. to help you through your divorce fears, psychological counseling, medical expenses, and accessability, food cards,
Plus, you will have an understand friend to talk to at any time you need. Confidential and non-judgemental.
Pizza...you will not be thrown to the street, peniless---that is illegal! You children will not leave you. They sound very concerned about you.
The way it is going---it sounds ;like you stand more of a chance of pushing them further away by staying in this situation as it is.
You have said, many times that he has a "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" along with a couple of other personality disorders. You say that you are a mental health professonal---so you should know that those with true narcissistic personality disorders are the most resistant to change--almost never happens. I think that your hope that there is something that you can do to bring about any kind of change will always fall on hard stone.
There are, also,some other sources of compassionate human support---I will be happy to suggest them---but, this is becoming very long--- and, my fingers are about to falloff...lol.
The reason that I say this is this---Most of my life, I have worked with people, as a medical person. as a nurse and physician assistant in many areas--but,with a lot of time working in psychiatry and related areas. One of the things that I have learned, by observation, over and over is that those who make the most progress--and faster--are those with the most human support in their immediate environment. This is sooo essential to all humans...every one of us.
I do hear your fear--and, I know that it is real. In fact, most of all of the thousands of members that have come here, express the same kind of fear that you are telling us about.
One of the biggest obstacles that I have seen---when someone is facing difficult challenges---is resistance to ask for or to accept help. This applies to any kind of issues that a person is facing. Of course, there can be many reasons that a person is resistant to help and unwilling to accept it---but, the fact remains that it is a major, majpr factor, in my experience.
everyone needs a "soft place to fall", and I don't see where you have it.
Another thing that can be observed, even on this very forum---And I will say this loudly (lol).---Anyone who has the strength to live with an alcoholic, or an abusive person, or just a daily jerk, has more than enough inner strength to live without them! You, absolutely, have the strength (and considerable intellligence)...but, you are just lacking the kind of support that you need for this kind of situation.
I believe that you are believing a lot of things that are simply not true...and, that you have been given some false information from some misinformed others.
The first and most obvious sources of help is the local domestic violence organization(s). I know that you hate the idea---but, you may need to just suck that up for thi s moment. How do I know this---because, over the years I have sent many, many women to them for help and they got an abundance of support and very practical help. Some with children and some without.
They have soo many resources at their fingertips that you may not even know that exists.
I suggest that you talk to them and ask them for a referral to a legal person who works with your kind of situation. You need this kind of specialized and competent legal advice in your camp.
You, also, need a face to face support group of others who understand what you are going through. The Covid immunization is now available, so this will be much easier than it was before.
You say that you have had years of "good therapy"....but, I propose that you may need a different therapist---one that you can work with to overcome your fears.
Through the domestic violence organization, you can get support and help with the following--(and much more)...Housing (safe housing, if necessary). financial help, transportation, legal help, a liaison to accompany you to court, etc. to help you through your divorce fears, psychological counseling, medical expenses, and accessability, food cards,
Plus, you will have an understand friend to talk to at any time you need. Confidential and non-judgemental.
Pizza...you will not be thrown to the street, peniless---that is illegal! You children will not leave you. They sound very concerned about you.
The way it is going---it sounds ;like you stand more of a chance of pushing them further away by staying in this situation as it is.
You have said, many times that he has a "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" along with a couple of other personality disorders. You say that you are a mental health professonal---so you should know that those with true narcissistic personality disorders are the most resistant to change--almost never happens. I think that your hope that there is something that you can do to bring about any kind of change will always fall on hard stone.
There are, also,some other sources of compassionate human support---I will be happy to suggest them---but, this is becoming very long--- and, my fingers are about to falloff...lol.
thank you for the advice. My therapist is one of the only people in the world I trust, and yes he wants me to gtfo of this. So that won’t be changing. Maybe I can try again with DV
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza...I am so glad to hear that you are willing to give DV another try with an open mind and heart. Yes, that is what it takes!
There is another source of possible support/help that I want to mention to you...as I have seen others receive help in this way-----every county in the US has a department of social services. You can find yours by going on the internet and googling your own County Government. On there, you will be able to find the listing of all the various programs that are available to help citizens----there will probably be dozens of programs. In addition, you will find names of, and, phone numbers of all of the social workers that work for the county.
Contact the social workers and make an appointment to talk with them...probably by phone or zoom----and, ask them to direct you to the programs that can be of various kinds of help and assistance for you.
In fact, I did that same thing when I went back to graduate level school with three small children---as a single parent. The program was so intense, that we weren't allowed to work during the program....so, I really, really, needed financial assistance during that period of schooling.
I had a social worker assigned to my "case"...and, I was able to receive food stamps, rental assistance, and free day care for my children. All through my local county government.
There is another source of possible support/help that I want to mention to you...as I have seen others receive help in this way-----every county in the US has a department of social services. You can find yours by going on the internet and googling your own County Government. On there, you will be able to find the listing of all the various programs that are available to help citizens----there will probably be dozens of programs. In addition, you will find names of, and, phone numbers of all of the social workers that work for the county.
Contact the social workers and make an appointment to talk with them...probably by phone or zoom----and, ask them to direct you to the programs that can be of various kinds of help and assistance for you.
In fact, I did that same thing when I went back to graduate level school with three small children---as a single parent. The program was so intense, that we weren't allowed to work during the program....so, I really, really, needed financial assistance during that period of schooling.
I had a social worker assigned to my "case"...and, I was able to receive food stamps, rental assistance, and free day care for my children. All through my local county government.
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