woodlandlost

Hi All,

Been a while, took a pause out to focus on work, daughter and myself. Have made some positive strides, lost 15 pounds, am way more active now. Visiting friends, working more efficiently, still have work stresses, but they are totally under control.

The EX just had another round of detox, now again with a renewed effort...We shall see.

So my question is if I am ready to meet someone. I know I want companionship...but haven't had an opportunity. Until last week, I met this woman at a small gathering and we shared some common ground. I got up the guts to ask her to do something and she did give me her number. I texted her once and got a warm response. She lives half time here and half in a larger centre and comes over every second week or so. I find myself having difficulty balancing the want to reach out vs letting things happen naturally....I want to wait and see if she will reach out to me (That old game)...I hardly know what to do.

I guess attraction should not feel like a game. At least that is how I see it. I find myself thinking, should I reach out? And another part of me is, DUDE, just relax, you are hardly ready and besides which, if it isn't reciprocal and relatively flowy back and forth then why am I getting so wound up?

ANyway, wanted to say hi and throw this situation out to the SR family.

FallenAngelina

Despite many people claiming that things are equal now, when it comes to dating most women not only wait for but want the man to initiate in the early days of a connection. (I'm assuming that you're a heterosexual male?) Sure, there are some women who go all in and don't wait for the guy to make the early moves, but in my experience, they are the great exceptions. It's not even a matter of being old fashioned, it's just how most women still are. If I were a guy, I wouldn't expect a woman to initiate contact or get togethers until at least a month in.

As always, just my experience. I've dated quite a lot in the last 7 years since my divorce. Personally, I'd be mortified to initiate contact with a guy who I wasn't absolutely sure was interested. I guess we call it sexism now, but whatever - it's just the man's job to initiate when things are new. The one exception is dating apps like Bumble where women have to make the first contact. Even then, it's the men who take over the wheel, asking for dates.

Ariesagain

Actually, WL, I’m pretty delighted to hear this. Even if you end up deciding not to pursue anything, the very fact that you’d consider it is a HUGE step forward for you.

Yep, dating involves a lot of weirdness and gamesmanship. I guess. It did back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, which was the last time I went on a date. But it doesn’t necessarily have to? I’m pretty sure you don’t have to marry this woman if you have coffee with her. (But do check the current rules...see dinosaur reference, above.)

It may be that you spent so many years in reaction mode that being proactive just feels weird to you. Your ex did stuff, you reacted, then you hunkered down to see what she’d do next. Exhausting, for sure. So anything that isn’t being driven by the other person’s drama might well feel non-flowy to you?

Ask her for coffee the next time she’s in town. It’s no big deal. If it goes well, then you can decide. Or if you decide it’s more than you want to deal with, for whatever reason, just be kind and forthright with her.

It’s a GOOD thing. It may not be the NEXT thing, but it’s great that you’re moving forward.

edoering

In my (limited) experience, gamesmanship is just something people do to protect themselves from the fear of rejection. But if you aren’t afraid because you don’t even know if you want another relationship, what do you have to lose? Nothing

I say, use the classic techniques we’ve been building in our meetings/groups. Do what makes you feel good to do, follow your own boundaries and desires. If putting yourself out there feels good, do it! If letting someone else come to you feels good, do that! Someone earlier posted it perfectly—you don’t have to focus on reactions this time. You can focus on the actions that you are comfortable with and go from there.

Good luck!

trailmix

hey wandl, I also think it's great that you are considering this. That's a great step forward.

So you asked her if she would like to do something and she gave you her number. You texted, she texted back - the ball is in your court!

You are the one who asked if she would like to do something, so yes, ask her out, might not go anywhere, who knows but you might have a nice lunch or coffee and spend time with a nice person.

woodlandlost

As always, awesome insights. Love it, thank you so much. It does feel weird to be even talking about this. Hard to believe I am here.

woodlandlost

Edoering,

Great call on games = tactics for avoiding rejection. That is so true, true in my case anyway.

So I took your advice, do what feels right and good for me, so I sent another text. Thank's all

Ariesagain

Amaranth

Good to see you woodland. Great to hear you are even thinking about going a date. Don't keep her waiting too long. Invite her. One day at a time. See how you feel after the first date, no need to think too far ahead.
and thanks for the book recommendation. I am reading it slowly, one chapter at a time and taking time to digest it all. It's giving me lots to think about.