OKRunner

I live in a cute college/football town and I saw my AXBF with his new GF (she was his old GF, too, before me) and her son at an offense-versus-defense football game this past Saturday. He looked completely sober, happy, handsome, and healthy. Out with the family and having a healthy relationship on a gorgeous sunny day. Enjoying the game. Enjoying a bit of post-COVID life. He didn't see me and I'm glad because tears were streaming down my face under my dark sunglasses in a matter of seconds. I had been out running with a female colleague of mine. Enjoying the day the best I could because I'm not going to sit home alone but also wishing it could have been different.

I always console myself by saying he went back to her because she drinks and she puts up with his drinking -- whereas I didn't. So, it's not like he really left me (so I tell myself), it's more like he wanted to drink and she enables that (whereas I would not put up with his drinking and, more importantly, his exceptionally poor treatment of me when he was drinking). But when you see him looking so put together and doing something outdoorsy and fun -- which is all you ever wanted -- with someone else, then you realize maybe you were the problem after all. Which is so much worse than someone leaving you for alcohol.

Ariesagain

Deep breath. That sucked and sucked comprehensively, but let’s try to take a step back if we can?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in six decades, it’s to try not to take anything at face value. Your ex may momentarily have his **** together, but I swear to you, sweetie, there are a whole lot of duck feet paddling furiously under the surface.

It wasn’t you. It was the alcohol and/or whatever. It ‘s just that right now he’s convinced himself that this relationship is the external answer to an intrinsically internal problem. It won’t last. I guess there’s a 5% chance he’s gotten himself into an actual recovery program and is working hard to figure himself out, but the odds of that lasting aren’t great.

You saw him for what, an hour? That leaves 23 in a day during which he may well have been a complete jerk and this was just a bit of role play for the moment...look at me!!! I’m Super Stepdad!!! Eat your heart out, ex-girlfriend!

You ended it for a reason. Many reasons. All of them valid. Would you even want him back, knowing how poor the odds are that this magical transformation is a lasting change?

I’m so, so sorry you’re hurting. Sending you a hug.

Bekindalways

Irk OKrun, that must have sucked. I can well believe all your doubts and insecurities poured right back. Ugh.

It is possible that he has pulled himself together as well as new/old GF; however it is unlikely. If he really is seeking recovery, he has a long way to go and it won't be fun for him nor his partner.

Go ahead and feel all the crappy feels that this situation brought up. Cry for a good long time and then make some more plans with that running girl friend or some other friend . . . . . really kudos to you for getting out running with a friend.

OKRunner

I'm giggling, Aries, because I did see him for about only maybe 25 seconds before I turned and ran the other direction and then cried my eyes out in my car while my friend fed me candy from her purse. So maybe the other 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 35 seconds he was jerky? Thank you for making me smile.

BeKindAlways, thank you so much. I'm trying to get back in shape and am even up to 10 mile long runs on the weekends. I registered for a half marathon on May 16. I try to set a little goal every month and that's my May goal. You can only control yourself, right?

Thank you.

trailmix

When you two were first together, could you have taken a picture of yourselves - out at dinner, out at a game or on a weekend holiday that would have been all smiles and sunshine? Was the drinking even an issue back then (vs when you saw his drinking pattern over time)?

Questioning whether he left you for his true love, alcohol, or not, well he did. You gently tried to discuss it with him so he left and hooked up with another alcoholic. He should be happy, he can drink anytime he wants, as much as he wants, whenever he wants, what alcoholic would complain!

You have seen a couple of glimpses of him. What happens that you don't see. He could be pretty surly when drunk, that probably hasn't changed. In fact there is no way this guy has changed in just these few months.

But he has the freedom to drink.

I am sorry though that you got hurt. I am glad to see though that you can talk yourself away from how he looks vs how you know he really is. I'm glad you posted about it.

comewhatmay

I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment you have experienced. You have received some great replies already. Trailmix has made some excellent points. Appearances can be deceiving. How people act out in public doesn't always reflect the truth. They could fight like cat and dog behind closed doors and both be miserable. The fact that his new partner is also an alcoholic means he won't be challenged or judged about his drinking. I highly doubt that he has changed...that's extremely unlikely...it takes a huge amount of self reflection and self accountability for meaningful and lasting change to occur. Impossible he's achieved that in just a few months. That's just my opinion anyway. We can all speculate but we don’t know.

It sounds like you were smart enough to leave him. You made the right decision. Trust me that in time he will treat her the same way he treated you, and she will see the same behaviors you experienced. If they are both drinkers, they'll have issues. Old ways have a habit of returning. Time will tell if this woman and her own issues will be compatible with his. Either way, don’t let it get to you, he's in the past now. Focus on healing yourself and being kind to yourself. I really hope you eventually find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

dandylion

OKRunner.....I echo the same things that the other posters have said.....
This is called "looking at someone's outsides with your insides."

LOL....I always think about seeing celebrities at photo ops----the couples are being photographed, looking all so glowing and perfect with their arms wrapped around each other. Then, about a week later, it is reported that they have filed for divorce.

FallenAngelina

I was the "new and shiny" for my XABF for 5 years and believe me, the "shiny" always turns into the "rusty" if the alcoholic is not in full recovery mode. Alcoholics are famous for trading in partners like cars, sure that this new model will be the one to take them away from all of their problems. My XABF is now dating three different women and keeps trying to get me to come back so that we can have those picture perfect football moments that you describe. It's all his attempts to find his shine in alluringly "unattainable" women - until they become attainable. Then the shine gets dull. It's an addict's insane merrygoround. Your XABF may very well be happy for the moment but I guarantee that he is the same guy you knew. The only magic new life for him is loooooong term recovery, not a new (or returning) woman.

OKRunner

Thank you all so much. I just re-read all your responses about three times each and I am just ... grateful. Thank you. Thank you so much. xxxooo.

Ariesagain

You’re going to be okay. I have a lot of faith in you...you’re not afraid to do hard things and that’s what this takes.

He was just a speed bump in your path. Now you’re driving (well, running) on. Good for you!

comewhatmay

OkRunner, you will get through this *hugs*. I left a long term relationship with a guy with substance abuse issues. I know exactly who he is, and nothing has changed on his end. I could have spent my whole life waiting for him to recover/change/get his life together, but I will not waste the most valuable resource (time). I will never venture into any relationship again where I am not valued, respected and heard. So proud of myself that I worked up the courage to leave him and walk away from his never ending problems. I believe it is self love, not time, that heals everything. We all die many small deaths in heartbreaks and failures, but with self love and a positive mindset, we can re-build ourselves again, stronger and better. You are doing so well, smile and be proud of yourself

OKRunner

ComeWhatMay: "I will never venture into any relationship again where I am not valued, respected, and heard."

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you. <3

PeacefulWater12

It is all a facade with the next person. A facade that the shine soon wears off and all the usual traits reappear. It is all a big circle.

I was the "next partner" with my late AH. It was all going to be different with me than his former wife!

It wasn't, of course. Then he was double resentful that being with me didn't "cure" him and make him whole!

comewhatmay

You're so welcome. I hope I helped in some small way. That was a lesson I learned the hard way. The minute I feel like I'm being tolerated rather than welcomed, is the minute I pull away from someone. I have concluded that I will not entertain any relationship that affects my self respect. Life is too short to be undervalued, unappreciated and disrespected by the very people you strive to do your best for.

blue26

hi okrunner,

yes i just replied to one of your posts on mine and yes i am now reading through all of your threads. reading your post made my jaw drop because of the similarity in my situation. you said you keep telling yourself he went back to her because she drinks as well and in turn enables him, whereas you did not, nor did you put up with how he treated you. i can tell you that that is exactly what he did.

when i wouldn’t lie for my ex boyfriend to his family about the drugs he was hiding/taking, or give him money to buy more pills, or anything that would enable him, he would tell me he’d go find someone that accepted him. acceptance to him, is having a girl in his life that takes drugs as well, and therefore would not try to help or fix him. for the simple reason that he loves the drugs more than his own family, friends, or even me and does not want to change or get better.

he ended up finding a girl just like that in a matter of days after breaking up with me and he’s currently in rehab trying to string along both us in hopes of having us both once he gets out. ridiculous!

from reading your posts i can tell you are a very caring person who loves deeply. i read on your first thread you did a lot of research to educate yourself before bringing up your boyfriend’s alcoholism to him. just from that it shows how much you care for him! addicts are lucky to have people in their lives who care and love them so much that all we want is for them to get better and be healthy again. that’s what you were for him, and that’s what i was for my ex. but when they don’t want to change, they push that person out of their lives and it hurts like absolute hell.

do not let those couple seconds you saw him looking happy and healthy and handsome fool you into thinking he is changed and is treating her the way you always wished to be treated by him. i promise you, as sad as it is, he is not changed. and he will do the same thing to her as he did to you - if he hasn’t started already. by not being with him anymore, you’re saved from enduring anymore excruciating pain that you’ve been put through. even though now, being apart from him and seeing him with someone else is just as painful, just keep reminding yourself healthier relationships are out there for you that will never make you feel this kind of pain again. and you deserve that. a million times over.

case762

OKRunner, just so you know, you're an inspiration to me. I'm currently waiting for my AXGF to return from rehab where I caught her in a "romance" with a grade-A loser there. She said it was just an outlet, but while she was providing minimal time for me after she was unwinding from the long day of "discovering herself," she was flirting with this guy and getting a little slap and tickle on the side with a dead-beat dad whose a pubic-hair away from jail. Maybe she was just confused, who knows. She's sorry and wants to make it work between us and tells me she doesn't talk to this guy anymore. But the feeling of being "traded" is real. I can relate. I forced her into rehab and held down the fort for her, hoping I'd get to experience life with the "new her." Maybe she'll straighten out, maybe she won't. But whatever she does, it's her choice, not mine. Her relationship with that guy isn't real life. And I'd bet the relationship your ex has with his new/old girl isn't real either. It's a fantasy land that always crashes and burns. This wasn't your fault, and it wasn't mine. You held the line and demanded you be treated how you deserve. I'm weakening and hoping for the best and maybe, she'll stop this behavior. My chances aren't good. My point is, YOU did the right thing. You cried your eyes out and then moved on. You held the line because it's what YOU deserve. I hope if/when the time comes, I hold the line as you did.

OKRunner

Dear Case762, we are both just trying to survive what I think are unfathomable and inexplicable (at least to me before this) situations the best way we can. You know, I honestly believe there is no right response and either response - whatever you do - hurts like hell. In fact, I just read a post from IronWill who said that his wife just celebrated 2 years of recovery and now they will be celebrating 21 years of marriage (as I sit here alone on my couch eating take out) and my first thought was, "I should have stayed." As you say, the feeling of being "traded" is so real and I hope you take great care of yourself during this difficult time. You just get through each moment and know that we're all here rooting for you, no matter what you decide or how it turns out. Thank you for sharing and for helping all of us who read here. Take great care~

OKRunner

Blue26, thank you so very much. I just posted another response on one of your posts but ... thank you. Thank you. I am so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could wave a wand and take away your hurt. I am hoping for what you said; that is, a healthier relationship in the future. I am hoping for that for you, too.

case762

One thing my eyes have been opening to is how I'm really struggling with codependency. It's a self-destructive cycle between an addict and a codependent. The key here is to know what WE deserve first, and what the addict deserves second. God willing, the addict must take care of themselves. But the decisions we have to make are never cut and dry, especially when we've built a life with that person, as I have with my RAGF. We have this thing called compassion and it makes those decisions messier. I'm about to face a situation where she is back in my home before I even get there and I have to set my personal boundaries. And not all boundaries have to be spoken or written down. They're just known to us because it's how we deserve to be treated, regardless of their illness. As a codependent, I will justify lowering my standards. But as I'm learning about this problem, I'm taking the first step to acknowledge I have a problem.....sheesh, sounds exactly like an addict lol. You've already done the hard part. You have nowhere to go but up from here. Best of luck.