Allabouteve

Hi, I haven't posted for a while.
I am in a relationship with a functioning alcohol who is in denial. I am completely in love with him, but he can be verbally abusive by text and voicenote when intoxicated. It isn't just me he is abusive to, he does the same to his Family and friends. I know its the drink talking and not him. He is always sorry and apologetic afterwards.
A few weeks ago, my partner wet the bed. I was laying there and felt it. I was horrified but he was sleeping and I was mortified for him, so I just got out and lay on top of the covers. When he woke up, he tried to use the excuse that he must have spilt a can of beer but I know its not true. To save his feelings I never said anything.
Last night it happened again only he was facing the other way and then I heard water going on the floor. Yet again I am embarrassed for him and didn't say anything. He left for work. We don't live together and it's never happened at my place, only his. We see each other a few times a week. Is this common in alcoholism? It's a very embarrassing topic and no one probably feels more embarrassed than him. I mentioned his drinking to him yesterday and he said he knows he drinks too much but he hasn't got a problem. He enjoys the taste. I love him and want to be with him but I want him to control his drinking or stop.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry you found yourself laying in his urine. How did you feel about that? How did it affect your self esteem?

How do you feel about his ongoing verbal abuse? You say he is going to continue drinking therefore is likely you laying in his urine will continue.

This might be a good time for you to reconsider the situation. You deserve far better than this.

He doesn't seem to have a problem with his behaviour nor how it affects you.

Sending understanding to you, sometimes we need to look at ourselves and dig deep to find out why we tolerate stuff that other people would recoil in horror at. Have you thought of maybe looking into Al-anon? It was a big help to me.

"Functioning" alcoholic is only a stage, it always gets worse.

SparkleKitty

The abusive drunk and the apologetic guy from the aftermath are the same person. And the fact that the behavior continues despite his remorse really undermines the apologetic guy’s sincerity. A truly loving and gentle person who prioritizes their relationships with others doesn’t continue engaging in the behavior that warrants the apology in the first place.

As PeacefulWater said, functioning is a stage, not a type, of alcoholism. And someone who repeatedly wets the bed and abused their partner via text has long left that functioning stage behind.

You deserve better than a partner who treats you and himself this way.

Ariesagain

To answer your questions:

1) This is a symptom of advancing alcoholism.
2) I’m not sure your assumption that he feels “terribly embarrassed” is valid? The problem with being an empathetic person, as you seem to be, is that we assume we know how others feel based on how we would feel. He may have put it out of his mind immediately and/or blamed something, anything, other than his drinking.
3) He’s denying his drinking causes him any problems. You know that isn’t true.
4) There is nothing you can do to make him want to stop drinking. Nothing. Trying to control his behavior will only make you miserable. And he will not be able to moderate for long, if it all, even if he were willing to try and it’s clear that he’s unwilling to do that.

What is likely to happen is more of the same, but worse. The verbal abuse over the phone will likely become verbal abuse in person. He will be less and less able to function, let alone function at a seemingly high level. He may turn on you and his family as the supposed reason he HAS to drink.

The real question become at what point you will draw the line. The progression can be so gradual that it’s easy to ignore (“it’s only the drink talking”) or to cling to the good moments and deny that the bad ones have happened. You may want to start keeping a journal of these incidents so you can see how things change over time.

What would be the final straw for you? Losing his job because of his alcoholism? Urinating in the bed at your house? Physical abuse? You may want to think about what your boundaries are, because odds are, they will be tested and repeatedly.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

FallenAngelina

People usually say "functioning alcoholic" when they mean that the alcoholic has a job and a home and maybe a few friends or family. But any adult who regularly wets the bed and verbally assaults others is not really "functioning" in any sort of way that would make for a good emotional partner. I've come to see that by the time a person gets to be an alcoholic, they are already far beyond functioning in their relationships. They are very much in disrepair and not functioning at all.

trailmix

Hi AAE, well that's really disturbing isn't it.

As others have said, he's functioning for now, as in he can go to work, drive a car and go to the store, but again, that's just a stage.

I understand that he is a good guy, generally, but he isn't "two" people, just the one guy with a very serious drinking problem. He has wet the bed twice (that you know of), this will probably continue. He doesn't sound too embarrassed, he just got up out of the wet bed and went to work.

He's used to this.

It can be all too easy to dismiss the abuse, the bed wetting and whatever else he does that is negative, under the guise of - oh but overall he's a great guy. Well, do you want a romantic partner that abuses you and wets the bed?

Alcoholism is progressive. The fact that he can't even acknowledge to you that he has a problem is a big huge red flag (sorry for the over-used term). He likes the taste? That's not even a good excuse! Maybe you like Pepsi, or Mountain Dew or coffee but you don't drink it until you are so full of it you can barely get off the sofa.

He's either lying to you or himself or both.

People who use alcohol the way he does cannot moderate. He drinks for the high or to wipe out feelings or because he is an alcoholic or whatever reason (and yes, he sounds like an alcoholic). Does that sound like someone who is going to cut down? Not really.

How does all this make you feel?

OKRunner

Trailmix, you said, "Well, do you want a romantic partner that abuses you and wets the bed?"

This is so helpful to me. In my case, do I want a romantic partner who is disrespectful of me, of my time, of my feelings, and of my true love, and who blows me and our plans off -- always, repeatedly, without exception -- for alcohol? I don't. Thank you for reminding me. And, when I think about it like that, I'm not even sad anymore. (Temporarily, until I forget to think about it like that, and then I get sad again, but I need to always make myself think about it like that and maybe if I practice thinking like that that thought pattern will happen automatically.)

honeypig

So, Allabout, I've had that same experience. And yes, XAH was also "embarrassed"--but for ME, b/c he was sure I'D done it!

Reality to an active alcoholic isn't even remotely the same as it is to a normal person. And reality to the partner of an active alcoholic can become equally as distorted. Don't let that happen to you.

neutronstar

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. Functioning implies the alcoholic has control over their life. Functioning implies they can control their drinking. Even the kindest partner with the best of intentions can be overtaken by this horrible disease. How far are you willing to go through this with them? If your partner stays in denial this will continue to progress to the point of no turning back with the disease. Sorry to be harsh. I loved my alcoholic fiance until the day he passed away and I love him still. I was in a similar place for many years wanting the drinking to stop but it never did.

Eight Ball

and 'he' is the best you can do? Do not tolerate abuse in any form. Abuse is unacceptable. You are worth more.

UrbanMermaid

My husband wet the bed a few months ago. He at least 'fessed up to it. Your boyfriend drinks too much. To the point that he says things he doesn't mean to his loved ones and he urinates on himself. (If he's doing it at your place, I would bet he's done it at his own place). That is a problem. To say it is not a problem is being duplicit in his speech. (plain talk: he's talking out of both sides of his mouth and not owning his problem)

You are not married to him. You have no children with him. From someone who IS married and bound to an alcoholic, I think you should ask yourself two things:
• "Do I really want this for myself?"
• "Do I have the patience to wait and wait and wait and endure and endure and endure his alcoholic behaviors until he discovers on his OWN that he has a problem and seeks help?" (For me, it has taken over a DECADE for my husband to have any kind of meaningful sobriety...and even saying that feels inaccurate, as his longest stint was only 72 days)

Only YOU will know that answer for yourself. And only your boyfriend will know if and when he wants to stop drinking. (((hugs)))

Macyc

My AH would wet the bed at times, many times. Or wet himself while out as he couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I don’t think he was embarrassed. He kept doing it. He’d laugh it off the next day. You know, a funny party story.

I often think some behavior is because he’s embarrassed or ashamed. Yet I had no proof of such and in fact, have proof of the opposite. I was embarrassed for him though. And often, embarrassed of him. That isn’t mine to carry. Yet, I did.

id apologize for him. And more.

there comes a day you don’t see it as “drunk verbal abuse” and you start to believe it. Be careful. Can only hear things so many times before they mess with your head, your self esteem and so on.

id run. Fast. And shut the door. If I could talk to my younger self. Before marriage and kids, I’d say run. And to not have those things and still stay, I’d ask my younger self why? Why would I be willing to do that. Life doesn’t have to be so hard.