Long distance AX
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Long distance AX
Hey everyone
I’m new here and I’m grateful to have found this place. I’m feeling kind of lost and a little embarrassed about a relationship I’ve just got out of. I guess I just wanted to vent somewhere people might have some understanding.
I got dumped last weekend by my long distance partner who has been suffering from alcoholism since they were 16 (8 years). They were very loving towards me and pursued me pretty intensely the entire time we had known each other. We used to talk on the phone for hours and hours at a time.
We had been together for 6 months which I know isn’t very long but it was very emotionally intimate, not volatile at all really and I kept my cool when I felt maybe they were triggered, to the point where I think it probably made them anxious and unsure of what to do.
I’m a fairly gentle but call-it-as-I-see-it person who has been working on themselves and my attitude to relationships for a long time. I’m not perfect but I value honesty and communication and always try my hardest to do so in a loving way, I even set boundaries with loved ones now (woohoo big deal for me!). I was open with them at every turn but could never really figure out what they wanted from me despite gently asking or giving opportunity.
They had been doing well with sobriety when we were together, going for stints of over a month sober before relapsing.
They had been sober for well over a month when they called me one morning after we had just watched a documentary together and I had spent the previous night with them and their older brother playing video games. They told me a bunch of hurtful things like “I didn’t make them unhappy but I didn’t make them happy” as well as telling me they loved me but that they just weren’t good at relationships and that they were worried they were going to **** up and so they ended it. I told them over and over again to tell me what they needed to feel safer and relaxed and not to worry about ******* up (because everyone does?) and that I would even wait for them but no avail. They told me that they would be the person they were with me in “an ideal world”. So was this persona a lie? I guess it’s just strange and maybe I underestimated the extent of their problem.
They’re not doing very well now. They seem to have thrown themselves into a very obsessive codependent platonic friendship - the two of them post about each other all the time, every hour even. My ex is posting about how much they like to drink even though they told me they need to be alone to get sober. They even made a snarky post alluding to me not really being serious about them which hurt my feelings a lot because they know I love them and they said themselves to me I’m “a wonderful person” so then why publicly degrade me? There’s been no contact since we broke up.
Why get rid of me just to destroy their life and all their hard work like that? Was everything a lie? Could I have done something more? I’m confused. I know deep down that it’s a good thing they’re gone because I feel like the worry has gone from my body but I can’t help but feel confused and upset about the whole thing as well.
I’m new here and I’m grateful to have found this place. I’m feeling kind of lost and a little embarrassed about a relationship I’ve just got out of. I guess I just wanted to vent somewhere people might have some understanding.
I got dumped last weekend by my long distance partner who has been suffering from alcoholism since they were 16 (8 years). They were very loving towards me and pursued me pretty intensely the entire time we had known each other. We used to talk on the phone for hours and hours at a time.
We had been together for 6 months which I know isn’t very long but it was very emotionally intimate, not volatile at all really and I kept my cool when I felt maybe they were triggered, to the point where I think it probably made them anxious and unsure of what to do.
I’m a fairly gentle but call-it-as-I-see-it person who has been working on themselves and my attitude to relationships for a long time. I’m not perfect but I value honesty and communication and always try my hardest to do so in a loving way, I even set boundaries with loved ones now (woohoo big deal for me!). I was open with them at every turn but could never really figure out what they wanted from me despite gently asking or giving opportunity.
They had been doing well with sobriety when we were together, going for stints of over a month sober before relapsing.
They had been sober for well over a month when they called me one morning after we had just watched a documentary together and I had spent the previous night with them and their older brother playing video games. They told me a bunch of hurtful things like “I didn’t make them unhappy but I didn’t make them happy” as well as telling me they loved me but that they just weren’t good at relationships and that they were worried they were going to **** up and so they ended it. I told them over and over again to tell me what they needed to feel safer and relaxed and not to worry about ******* up (because everyone does?) and that I would even wait for them but no avail. They told me that they would be the person they were with me in “an ideal world”. So was this persona a lie? I guess it’s just strange and maybe I underestimated the extent of their problem.
They’re not doing very well now. They seem to have thrown themselves into a very obsessive codependent platonic friendship - the two of them post about each other all the time, every hour even. My ex is posting about how much they like to drink even though they told me they need to be alone to get sober. They even made a snarky post alluding to me not really being serious about them which hurt my feelings a lot because they know I love them and they said themselves to me I’m “a wonderful person” so then why publicly degrade me? There’s been no contact since we broke up.
Why get rid of me just to destroy their life and all their hard work like that? Was everything a lie? Could I have done something more? I’m confused. I know deep down that it’s a good thing they’re gone because I feel like the worry has gone from my body but I can’t help but feel confused and upset about the whole thing as well.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry you're suffering a breakup. I know I always turn things over in my mind when I break up with someone I care about, too. It usually takes me a couple months to get over, minimum.
It's just going to take time. Trust us, you don't want to hitch your wagon to an alcoholic, anyway.
I hope you can block him on social media and your email and phone. It's a lot easier.
You'll feel better. It will take time.
It's just going to take time. Trust us, you don't want to hitch your wagon to an alcoholic, anyway.
I hope you can block him on social media and your email and phone. It's a lot easier.
You'll feel better. It will take time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I hope you like this forum as much as I have! It’s helped me so much. I recommend reading some of the stickies at the top of this board, especially ones on what addicts do/lying.
You couldn’t have done anything to change this outcome. You didn’t cause your ex’s behavior (they made those choices) and even your best love can’t control it or change it.
One of my close family friends is a psychiatrist who works with major mental illnesses, and she told me something I found sooooo relevant to my experience: sometimes, it feels like an illness is like an entity all its own that fights for its own survival. When it feels threatened (perhaps because the “host” human is starting to heal and try to be healthy) it fights back and tries to stay active in the person. In my AH, addiction was like this. I am a threat to addiction in my AH, because with me he wants to be healthy, he wants to be clean and sober, he wants to be loved and loving. The disease of addiction thrives on isolation, self-hatred, denial, etc. He is currently relapsing, and started pushing me away (leaving me) and trying to change everything in his life—except he is keeping the substances/addiction.
Sometimes, in active addiction, your ALO will only see obstacles to their addiction, and things that enable their addiction. If you are an obstacle, you will not be welcome.
What’s been helping me is to stop focusing on what my AH “needs” to get better and start focusing on what I need!
- I still secretly hope to reconcile one day (grieving is a process and I haven’t fully let go yet, working on it, haha). What do I need to happen before I consider trusting him again? For me, this includes seeing him rescue himself from this relapse and choose sobriety and recovery. I need to see clear accountability behaviors, and signs that he isn’t thinking and making decisions with what he used to call “addict brain.”
- In the meantime, he is currently acting like a very hurtful person I wouldn’t even have as a friend in my life. I haven’t had an interaction with him in weeks that hasn’t resulted in my crying or feeling sick to my stomach. How do I need to interact with him so I stay peaceful/happy/healthy? I decided I need to base my reactions to him on his current actions. Limit contact. I don’t respond to conversation topics I don’t feel are honest. I do respond if he wants to talk about recovery or treatment for his trauma/addiction.
- And completely separate of him, what do I need to “feel like myself” again? Personally, that’s singing, exercise, family time, and career growth for me. Plus, therapy and Nar-Anon/SMARTrecovery meetings.
You are always welcome to vent here, or search for stories that you will see share so many elements you will recognize as familiar! Most of us have spent a looooot of time trying to understand our ALO or AX, as part of the grieving process. But I’ve also noticed most posters start to feel happy again when they care for themselves first and foremost. You deserve healthiness and peace in your life—and you deserve relationships that foster those things, not undermine them.
You couldn’t have done anything to change this outcome. You didn’t cause your ex’s behavior (they made those choices) and even your best love can’t control it or change it.
One of my close family friends is a psychiatrist who works with major mental illnesses, and she told me something I found sooooo relevant to my experience: sometimes, it feels like an illness is like an entity all its own that fights for its own survival. When it feels threatened (perhaps because the “host” human is starting to heal and try to be healthy) it fights back and tries to stay active in the person. In my AH, addiction was like this. I am a threat to addiction in my AH, because with me he wants to be healthy, he wants to be clean and sober, he wants to be loved and loving. The disease of addiction thrives on isolation, self-hatred, denial, etc. He is currently relapsing, and started pushing me away (leaving me) and trying to change everything in his life—except he is keeping the substances/addiction.
Sometimes, in active addiction, your ALO will only see obstacles to their addiction, and things that enable their addiction. If you are an obstacle, you will not be welcome.
What’s been helping me is to stop focusing on what my AH “needs” to get better and start focusing on what I need!
- I still secretly hope to reconcile one day (grieving is a process and I haven’t fully let go yet, working on it, haha). What do I need to happen before I consider trusting him again? For me, this includes seeing him rescue himself from this relapse and choose sobriety and recovery. I need to see clear accountability behaviors, and signs that he isn’t thinking and making decisions with what he used to call “addict brain.”
- In the meantime, he is currently acting like a very hurtful person I wouldn’t even have as a friend in my life. I haven’t had an interaction with him in weeks that hasn’t resulted in my crying or feeling sick to my stomach. How do I need to interact with him so I stay peaceful/happy/healthy? I decided I need to base my reactions to him on his current actions. Limit contact. I don’t respond to conversation topics I don’t feel are honest. I do respond if he wants to talk about recovery or treatment for his trauma/addiction.
- And completely separate of him, what do I need to “feel like myself” again? Personally, that’s singing, exercise, family time, and career growth for me. Plus, therapy and Nar-Anon/SMARTrecovery meetings.
You are always welcome to vent here, or search for stories that you will see share so many elements you will recognize as familiar! Most of us have spent a looooot of time trying to understand our ALO or AX, as part of the grieving process. But I’ve also noticed most posters start to feel happy again when they care for themselves first and foremost. You deserve healthiness and peace in your life—and you deserve relationships that foster those things, not undermine them.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
One of my close family friends is a psychiatrist who works with major mental illnesses, and she told me something I found sooooo relevant to my experience: sometimes, it feels like an illness is like an entity all its own that fights for its own survival. When it feels threatened (perhaps because the “host” human is starting to heal and try to be healthy) it fights back and tries to stay active in the person. In my AH, addiction was like this. I am a threat to addiction in my AH, because with me he wants to be healthy, he wants to be clean and sober, he wants to be loved and loving. The disease of addiction thrives on isolation, self-hatred, denial, etc. He is currently relapsing, and started pushing me away (leaving me) and trying to change everything in his life—except he is keeping the substances/addiction.
Edoering, thank you so much for sharing this. I certainly needed to read this in particular today. My son has cut off all contact with me for exactly this reason. As heartbreaking as it is for me, and for all of us who love someone who has this disease, reminders that I am not in control here help me so much to live my best life no matter what. Isolation, self-hatred and denial, the hallmarks of this disease...exactly. I struggle to think how I might leave a light on to let him know there is a way back to our family and to a healthier and happier life...
Edoering, thank you so much for sharing this. I certainly needed to read this in particular today. My son has cut off all contact with me for exactly this reason. As heartbreaking as it is for me, and for all of us who love someone who has this disease, reminders that I am not in control here help me so much to live my best life no matter what. Isolation, self-hatred and denial, the hallmarks of this disease...exactly. I struggle to think how I might leave a light on to let him know there is a way back to our family and to a healthier and happier life...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I'm sorry you're suffering a breakup. I know I always turn things over in my mind when I break up with someone I care about, too. It usually takes me a couple months to get over, minimum.
It's just going to take time. Trust us, you don't want to hitch your wagon to an alcoholic, anyway.
I hope you can block him on social media and your email and phone. It's a lot easier.
You'll feel better. It will take time.
It's just going to take time. Trust us, you don't want to hitch your wagon to an alcoholic, anyway.
I hope you can block him on social media and your email and phone. It's a lot easier.
You'll feel better. It will take time.
Thank you for being kind and taking the time to reply to me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 8
Gosh, thank you so so much for this message, I can't tell you how much comfort it brought me and how welcomed I feel here. I'm so sorry to hear about your AH, and I really hope things get better for you both, yourself especially!
You're right - so far, the other posts on this board have been really helpful and insightful.
This has been reassuring and also sad. I can see they're self-destructing and I want to help them but ultimately I feel like it's true, they don't want help right now they want to be inside their addiction.
THIS makes so much sense to me! On our last phonecall they kept saying they really wanted to be the person that they were with me but they couldn't, and that they couldn't do sobriety with me. They were drunk then. It's good to know this wasn't a reflection on me, or my inability to 'get them through it' or anything but rather the addiction holding my partner hostage almost. I guess this also makes it a lot easier not to take everything they said personally. In fact I'm kind of glad I scared the alcoholism, is that weird? I know I'm doing something right in that case, I just wish it didn't turn out this way.
I think this is also spot on. My relationship before this one was emotionally abusive on a very violent scale and whilst this one wasn't perfect I do feel like it has been a long, long time since I've really thought about what it is I want. I'm inspired! I think I'll take your advice and use the next few months to enrich my own life and make myself genuinely really happy again. Maybe go life drawing again, work out again and get into new hobbies with my friends. Since I won't be staying awake til 2-3am to talk to my AX, I'll be able to finally get some sleep too :')
I have hope that maybe we'll talk again someday, I don't think that's the most dangerous thing in the world to have is it (or am I being naive?) I just am no longer going to wait around because of that hope. I love them and just wish them good things.
Thank you so much again, it means a lot to me
You're right - so far, the other posts on this board have been really helpful and insightful.
Originally Posted by edoering
You couldn’t have done anything to change this outcome. You didn’t cause your ex’s behavior (they made those choices) and even your best love can’t control it or change it.
Originally Posted by edoering
One of my close family friends is a psychiatrist who works with major mental illnesses, and she told me something I found sooooo relevant to my experience: sometimes, it feels like an illness is like an entity all its own that fights for its own survival. When it feels threatened (perhaps because the “host” human is starting to heal and try to be healthy) it fights back and tries to stay active in the person. In my AH, addiction was like this. I am a threat to addiction in my AH, because with me he wants to be healthy, he wants to be clean and sober, he wants to be loved and loving. The disease of addiction thrives on isolation, self-hatred, denial, etc. He is currently relapsing, and started pushing me away (leaving me) and trying to change everything in his life—except he is keeping the substances/addiction.
Sometimes, in active addiction, your ALO will only see obstacles to their addiction, and things that enable their addiction. If you are an obstacle, you will not be welcome.
Sometimes, in active addiction, your ALO will only see obstacles to their addiction, and things that enable their addiction. If you are an obstacle, you will not be welcome.
Originally Posted by edoering
What’s been helping me is to stop focusing on what my AH “needs” to get better and start focusing on what I need!
- I still secretly hope to reconcile one day (grieving is a process and I haven’t fully let go yet, working on it, haha). What do I need to happen before I consider trusting him again? For me, this includes seeing him rescue himself from this relapse and choose sobriety and recovery. I need to see clear accountability behaviors, and signs that he isn’t thinking and making decisions with what he used to call “addict brain.”
- In the meantime, he is currently acting like a very hurtful person I wouldn’t even have as a friend in my life. I haven’t had an interaction with him in weeks that hasn’t resulted in my crying or feeling sick to my stomach. How do I need to interact with him so I stay peaceful/happy/healthy? I decided I need to base my reactions to him on his current actions. Limit contact. I don’t respond to conversation topics I don’t feel are honest. I do respond if he wants to talk about recovery or treatment for his trauma/addiction.
- And completely separate of him, what do I need to “feel like myself” again? Personally, that’s singing, exercise, family time, and career growth for me. Plus, therapy and Nar-Anon/SMARTrecovery meetings.
- I still secretly hope to reconcile one day (grieving is a process and I haven’t fully let go yet, working on it, haha). What do I need to happen before I consider trusting him again? For me, this includes seeing him rescue himself from this relapse and choose sobriety and recovery. I need to see clear accountability behaviors, and signs that he isn’t thinking and making decisions with what he used to call “addict brain.”
- In the meantime, he is currently acting like a very hurtful person I wouldn’t even have as a friend in my life. I haven’t had an interaction with him in weeks that hasn’t resulted in my crying or feeling sick to my stomach. How do I need to interact with him so I stay peaceful/happy/healthy? I decided I need to base my reactions to him on his current actions. Limit contact. I don’t respond to conversation topics I don’t feel are honest. I do respond if he wants to talk about recovery or treatment for his trauma/addiction.
- And completely separate of him, what do I need to “feel like myself” again? Personally, that’s singing, exercise, family time, and career growth for me. Plus, therapy and Nar-Anon/SMARTrecovery meetings.
I have hope that maybe we'll talk again someday, I don't think that's the most dangerous thing in the world to have is it (or am I being naive?) I just am no longer going to wait around because of that hope. I love them and just wish them good things.
Thank you so much again, it means a lot to me
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I'm so sorry to hear about your son seekingcalm, I really hope he gets the help he needs and your family can be together again. It sounds like you're doing something right in some ways if the alcoholism in him sees you as a threat. I guess it's just difficult to know where to go from there, especially as a parent instead of a partner. Sending you a lot of love.
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I am sorry you have this going on, it might be a great time to focus on yourself and what you would your life to be.
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Originally Posted by dhrxti
that they just weren’t good at relationships and that they were worried they were going to **** up and so they ended it. I told them over and over again to tell me what they needed to feel safer and relaxed and not to worry about ******* up (because everyone does?) and that I would even wait for them but no avail. They told me that they would be the person they were with me in “an ideal world”. So was this persona a lie? I guess it’s just strange and maybe I underestimated the extent of their problem.
I'll translate the above for you (as I see it) what he/she is actually saying is:
You are a great person having quite a normal life, I am an alcoholic trying to quit, kind of sort of, but perhaps I'm not really ready for that. So I try, say for even a month at a time, but then I "fail" and you get to see all that but keep your faith in me.
That "faith" in me, the expectations the cheering on, the discussions about my demons is getting to me, because I actually just want to drink (or not) with no pressure.
/End translation
So you see, by being his/her (I'll use he here on out) cheerleader in fact you have become the negative, the enemy. Regardless of whether he really wanted to quit now or not, either way, you come with your expectations (fair enough, he probably encouraged them). His first love is alcohol, his best friend, the thing that soothes him, the thing that makes his world ok for a while.
When you threaten his best friend you threaten him.
I'm sure you were honestly trying to help him, but it would seem that's not really what he wants.
Does any of this ring true?
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You might find these articles interesting in understanding alcoholism (for you, not for him):
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
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Originally Posted by trailmix
hi dhrxti
I'll translate the above for you (as I see it) what he/she is actually saying is:
You are a great person having quite a normal life, I am an alcoholic trying to quit, kind of sort of, but perhaps I'm not really ready for that. So I try, say for even a month at a time, but then I "fail" and you get to see all that but keep your faith in me.
That "faith" in me, the expectations the cheering on, the discussions about my demons is getting to me, because I actually just want to drink (or not) with no pressure.
/End translation
So you see, by being his/her (I'll use he here on out) cheerleader in fact you have become the negative, the enemy. Regardless of whether he really wanted to quit now or not, either way, you come with your expectations (fair enough, he probably encouraged them). His first love is alcohol, his best friend, the thing that soothes him, the thing that makes his world ok for a while.
When you threaten his best friend you threaten him.
I'm sure you were honestly trying to help him, but it would seem that's not really what he wants.
Does any of this ring true?
I'll translate the above for you (as I see it) what he/she is actually saying is:
You are a great person having quite a normal life, I am an alcoholic trying to quit, kind of sort of, but perhaps I'm not really ready for that. So I try, say for even a month at a time, but then I "fail" and you get to see all that but keep your faith in me.
That "faith" in me, the expectations the cheering on, the discussions about my demons is getting to me, because I actually just want to drink (or not) with no pressure.
/End translation
So you see, by being his/her (I'll use he here on out) cheerleader in fact you have become the negative, the enemy. Regardless of whether he really wanted to quit now or not, either way, you come with your expectations (fair enough, he probably encouraged them). His first love is alcohol, his best friend, the thing that soothes him, the thing that makes his world ok for a while.
When you threaten his best friend you threaten him.
I'm sure you were honestly trying to help him, but it would seem that's not really what he wants.
Does any of this ring true?
Thank you, this does really ring true. They did encourage my expectations but seemed resentful when I followed through with them. They also are only trying to get sober by themselves with no other help so I am not 100% sure how committed they are to actually being sober as opposed to just feeling like they can do it anytime... I don’t know how cynical that sounds.
I really was honestly trying to help them but accepted them as they were. Seems like you’re right though I don’t think a partner can really “win” over a long active addiction. Thank you for the resources and the thoughtful response 😊
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You might find these articles interesting in understanding alcoholism (for you, not for him):
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
"For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them".
This is also super helpful! It also makes sense in understanding why they’re acting like I’ve rejected them and made them the victim when they left me?!
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Originally Posted by dhrxti
Thank you, this does really ring true. They did encourage my expectations but seemed resentful when I followed through with them. They also are only trying to get sober by themselves with no other help so I am not 100% sure how committed they are to actually being sober as opposed to just feeling like they can do it anytime... I don’t know how cynical that sounds.
This part:
They did encourage my expectations but seemed resentful when I followed through with them
And yes, he probably resents you because you couldn't accept him as he is, an addict. You asked:
Could I have done something more?
So really the answer is, there is nothing you could have done to change this.
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