Hurting

Old 04-20-2021, 06:22 PM
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Hurting

Hi.

First post here. I'm so struggling to get out of this mental state, stop thinking of all the past, the words hes said to me, what I said to him, how bad it hurts. I just want to be a year later, not care anymore, go weeks without one thought of him. This hurt is like no other. Not because of a brutal break up but the harsh nasty cross fire, mostly me, him lying, cheating and past listening to him cry his eyes out drunk to me.... the duis. Waiting for court and getting to the "other side of it" together. And now I'm left with memories, I'm all over the place. Its his addiction, 24 years of it. I didnt know. I dont even know who he is sober, without dry drunk even. I put my everything into it, as many of you did, so mine is petty compared to bring in marriage and kids. But it hurts like crazy! I thought he was gorgeous, he was to me, he was it. I loved all of him.. I knew he was stuck in addiction but couldn't handle the ugly he did to me. And went to my ugly mode slashing back. I have a gut instinct that I'll never hear from him ever again, and maybe that's perfect. Hes mocked me enough that he would never speak to me again ever, but he loved me..screaming at me drunk in Feb.
it just hurts. Like trying to unwind trauma, and I already have past trauma! I didn't see the ugly coming to that level so I'm sick over it. I wanted to still be in touch with him.... and that sounds stupid. Even in his recovery, it's a forced recovery from a dui and probation right now but I wanted to be apart of that.

I need to vent. I'm having a BAD day! it feels so raw like Ill never meet anyone who i adore so much again. I so feel that way. (Not rational) but I still feel that way.
ugh. Addiction sucks!! And I love him.
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Old 04-20-2021, 06:29 PM
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That was hard to read... you are as addicted to him as he is to his substance(s). He’s “gorgeous”? You’re over the top love for an individual that treats you so badly speaks volumes of your self-love or lack there-of. Please seek / accept help. This forum and al-anon is a great start.
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Old 04-20-2021, 07:04 PM
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Um. Thank you. I have been. You frankly have no idea how much al anon I've attended, therapy I've been seeking... I have loved him, I was stuck between the compassion for the disease, him acting a certain way because "hes drunk".. which the first al anon slogans was "don't take it personally" so yeah... I was pissed that I tried to not take it personally, because he was drunk. But. This all came to an end when the cheating came in. I lost my spine a long time ago, tired of pressing on in day to day grind, covid shut down and decided, its time to give a relationship my 100% (ive given everything else my 100%) so I grew to love him. We had good times. He is gorgeous. Because he drinks doesn't mean he's not good looking... I can still love him, I know hes hurting. I hope he actually recovers. But I wish it was me who would celebrate those days with him, rather than the one who went down to the pits of hell with him.
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Old 04-20-2021, 07:08 PM
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And yes, often times it does become this. Addicted to a person... its like a deep sorry for him but knowing he's unhealthy, unhealthy for me. I get that. It's grief, any loss is... not based on my lack of self worth....
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Old 04-20-2021, 09:20 PM
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Vent away! This is so hard to deal with.

Some of the first advice I got here that was so helpful was that even a relationship with an addict that doesn’t start in codependence becomes codependent before the end. I was/am a very healthy, self-confident person who entered into what started as a very healthy relationship with a young man who was very serious about his recovery, but... All it took was his relapse, and he changed and the relationship changed and so (naturally) I started to change.

Luckily, I got out before I lost myself too much, and I went back to my people and places that replenish me and recenter me. And yes, my breakup with my AH did trigger a trauma response in me! Nausea, dizziness, headaches, etc. Those symptoms quickly subsided, and I’ve only been processing grief since.

You will hear references to the “intermittent chicken” study here a lot also. It’s worth googling or searching on SR and reading about. It pertains a lot to why you can feel so bonded to someone who isn’t treating you well, it’s a brain chemistry thing! And then of course, learning about codependency and the symptoms of that.

Hope you feel better soon
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Old 04-20-2021, 09:45 PM
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I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Sadly, the only way around it is through it. Grieving is the hardest work there is, not least because it’s not anything that responds to logic or reason or emotion...it just IS and it’s terrible. The only answer is time and distance. And maybe ice cream.
You will get through this. Eat healthy (except for ice cream), sleep the best you can, get some exercise, and distract yourself with new interests...even small ones. Cook something new, read a good book, anything that helps your mind stay focused on something else.
It will pass. But it’s hell in the meantime, I know.

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Old 04-20-2021, 11:57 PM
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I woke up this morning with a profound realisation.....life is better without my ex husband....it's taken me more than 3 years to get here.....when the marriage broke down I thought I couldn't live without him. I thought he would die without me. I thought I would never be happy again.
give your process time. Grieving takes time. Find yourself before you go out looking for someone else. Be there for YOU and allow him to be there for himself.
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Old 04-21-2021, 03:32 AM
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Thank you for posting AliLong. I feel you, as I love my AH very much as well and will be seeking a divorce soon. It's going to kill me to even tell him, and he'll cry and say hour much he loves me and how I'm his whole world. But one thing I've come to realize recently, is that though he loves me, my place as his first love has been replaced by alcohol, and until he does his work, no one can compete. And also, just this week I recognized the damage my own co-dependency and enabling has had on our relationship. As previous commenter said, you don't have to start in co-dependency, but most relationships dealing with addiction end there. We had a great ten years before the past seven, so that makes it even harder. What I've realized is that WE can't go on like this; I have to work on myself and he has to do the same. AND it's okay to still love him, and remember the good times, and think about new chapters that won't include him. You can do this, I can do this, and there can still be great things in our lives as we we work through the pain.
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Old 04-21-2021, 06:52 AM
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Thank you all so so much for the kind words and support. I tend to lean to the "let me send the smooth over email and pour my heart out...one. last. Time. " as to know I did the right thing. As i can't stand the tension. I cant stand the bad ending. I suppose he can. Some people can.
But, I'm not going to. I'm just not. I feel horrible for the downtrodden space I was in ,the words that I said to him that were monster mean, the words he said to me too cruel....but leaving the relationship in bad terms for both of us, its uncomfortable ... but yeah, I dont need to smooth anything. I'm not God. And thats who I'm leaning on right now because these feelings are so horribly sad..and God can handle anything. Even this. He always had this....
its an odd phenomenon to want to "fix it" i seriously thought we'd have the perfect ending in life and why I believe my grief is strong. Ugh.

Thanks for the support, and best to all of you. Addiction, yes...scary, can change the strongest and best of us! I was definitely a tough cookie And this got me down!
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Old 04-21-2021, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Westgirl View Post
Thank you for posting AliLong. I feel you, as I love my AH very much as well and will be seeking a divorce soon. It's going to kill me to even tell him, and he'll cry and say hour much he loves me and how I'm his whole world. But one thing I've come to realize recently, is that though he loves me, my place as his first love has been replaced by alcohol, and until he does his work, no one can compete. And also, just this week I recognized the damage my own co-dependency and enabling has had on our relationship. As previous commenter said, you don't have to start in co-dependency, but most relationships dealing with addiction end there. We had a great ten years before the past seven, so that makes it even harder. What I've realized is that WE can't go on like this; I have to work on myself and he has to do the same. AND it's okay to still love him, and remember the good times, and think about new chapters that won't include him. You can do this, I can do this, and there can still be great things in our lives as we we work through the pain.

Yes. We can do this and the next chapters. The pain comes and goes. Tears flow then stop. I set up and email and won't send it. I'll read it to ny therapist instead. Its not easy, I told a friend I think that I dont have the coping skills for this. Its odd because I'm a resilient tough cookie but nothing can stand against addiction.... only God.
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Old 04-21-2021, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Sadly, the only way around it is through it. Grieving is the hardest work there is, not least because it’s not anything that responds to logic or reason or emotion...it just IS and it’s terrible. The only answer is time and distance. And maybe ice cream.
You will get through this. Eat healthy (except for ice cream), sleep the best you can, get some exercise, and distract yourself with new interests...even small ones. Cook something new, read a good book, anything that helps your mind stay focused on something else.
It will pass. But it’s hell in the meantime, I know.
Thank you. So much
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Old 04-21-2021, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by AliLong View Post
Hi.

First post here. I'm so struggling to get out of this mental state, stop thinking of all the past, the words hes said to me, what I said to him, how bad it hurts. I just want to be a year later, not care anymore, go weeks without one thought of him. This hurt is like no other. Not because of a brutal break up but the harsh nasty cross fire, mostly me, him lying, cheating and past listening to him cry his eyes out drunk to me.... the duis. Waiting for court and getting to the "other side of it" together. And now I'm left with memories, I'm all over the place. Its his addiction, 24 years of it. I didnt know. I dont even know who he is sober, without dry drunk even. I put my everything into it, as many of you did, so mine is petty compared to bring in marriage and kids. But it hurts like crazy! I thought he was gorgeous, he was to me, he was it. I loved all of him.. I knew he was stuck in addiction but couldn't handle the ugly he did to me. And went to my ugly mode slashing back. I have a gut instinct that I'll never hear from him ever again, and maybe that's perfect. Hes mocked me enough that he would never speak to me again ever, but he loved me..screaming at me drunk in Feb.
it just hurts. Like trying to unwind trauma, and I already have past trauma! I didn't see the ugly coming to that level so I'm sick over it. I wanted to still be in touch with him.... and that sounds stupid. Even in his recovery, it's a forced recovery from a dui and probation right now but I wanted to be apart of that.

I need to vent. I'm having a BAD day! it feels so raw like Ill never meet anyone who i adore so much again. I so feel that way. (Not rational) but I still feel that way.
ugh. Addiction sucks!! And I love him.
i am so sorry but you have to work on yourself. Your co-dependency is palpable. You have to learn to detach in love, otherwise he will destroy you completely. Please read Malorie Beattie's Co-Dependency No more and think about making your own life and taking your focus off your AH. You must heal, get into IC.
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Old 04-21-2021, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Givenup2018 View Post
i am so sorry but you have to work on yourself. Your co-dependency is palpable. You have to learn to detach in love, otherwise he will destroy you completely. Please read Malorie Beattie's Co-Dependency No more and think about making your own life and taking your focus off your AH. You must heal, get into IC.
Thank you. Yes.. I am.. i attend all meetings and see a therapist now. I know this is much deeper than just him. Thanks. Grief isn't a day process.
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Old 04-21-2021, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by AliLong View Post
Yes. We can do this and the next chapters. The pain comes and goes. Tears flow then stop. I set up and email and won't send it. I'll read it to ny therapist instead. Its not easy, I told a friend I think that I dont have the coping skills for this. Its odd because I'm a resilient tough cookie but nothing can stand against addiction.... only God.
I'm so glad you have a therapist to share with as well. I understand what you mean. You can be tough but when you are hit with a tidal wave of hurt, you are kind of looking around thinking omg I can't even deal with this, now what??

First of all, I would recommend you read around the forum and particularly the stickies at the top. Strangely it can be comforting and you begin to see patterns. You are not alone and you will see how others have coped.

Sometimes we have to learn to cope with things and you will and you will be ok (even though sometimes it feels like you won't). Time and distance will help enormously.

If you are feeling overwhelmed ask for help. Perhaps visit a doctor and let them know you are coping with situational depression/grief/anxiety, whatever you are feeling. Medications are not just for ongoing conditions, you may need some help getting through this, your dr can advise.

Keep busy, do you like to read or watch movies or craft or anything? While thing may be hard to settle to just now, go ahead and binge watch some netflix, you will find your mind wanders away, just draw it back. It gives you a much needed break from all the thinking.


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