new, broke up with drug addict boyfriend
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 66
new, broke up with drug addict boyfriend
to anyone who might see this, hello. i recently found this site about 2 days ago and it’s already helping me feel understood about a lot of things. i’m not sure if anyone will read this but if you do stumble across it, i’d appreciate anyone who responds.
i recently just turned 19 and my boyfriend of a little over two years just turned 20. he struggles with anger issues, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. i met him when i was 16 and all i knew about his drug use is that he smoked weed, which i never had a problem with (i myself don’t smoke, but it doesn’t bother me if others do). he’s my first boyfriend, my first love, and my bestfriend since i met him. our relationship has always been very mature, never like a highschool fling, filled with deep conversations we’d get lost in, and always dreaming of our future together. but that version of him is no longer around and i’m so scared.
his drugs of choice have been benzos and opioids, xanax, klonopin, percocet, and at one point codeine. for awhile, over a year into our relationship, i wasn’t even aware that he’s an addict and i don’t think he knew it either. i never liked anything he did, but he always had self control when taking these things and more than half of the time they were his prescriptions. it just took me awhile to realize he was abusing them.
everything was great our first year of our relationship and then a year in, i saw his anger for the first time. we had gotten into an argument about something dumb and he started yelling at me over the phone about it. he said “F you, bitch.” plenty of times and that scared me a lot. i’ve dealt with anxiety since i was 11 and one of my biggest symptoms of a panic attack is uncontrollable shaking in my body. i got so scared and upset by his reaction to the argument, i couldn’t keep a muscle still on my body. but i pulled myself together and went over to his house and worked it out with him. everything was fine once again, like nothing ever happened. we were back to our normal, happy selves. little did i know, our relationship would be filled with highs and lows like this.
about a year ago he went to rehab for mental health and substance abuse, when he got out he seemed so happy like he was reborn. he did great for a couple weeks only smoking weed here and there but then he continued to abuse his xanax prescription. he has a very supportive family and i’ve always supported him as well, but since november of 2020, to be blunt, **** hit the fan.
a friend of his moved in with him at his parents house, both of them are addicts who used the same prescription pills. it quickly turned into fights between them, selling each other scripts to each other and then getting mad when either of them would skimp the other. they’d steal pills from each other too. around this time is when i saw my boyfriend lose his self control while being high. i’d see him stumble, his eyes were heavy, his texts were filled with spelling errors, he’d forget what he was doing every 10 minutes, and it was so scary to me. but whenever i’d tell him what he did the night before since he couldn’t remember, he’d find it amusing and laugh. he took 9 bars one night i slept over, and the next day, still feeling the affects, drove his car with me and his bestfriend in it. when i grabbed the steering wheel to swerve us back into the right lane, he called me “bitchy” for it. wow.
i always knew the reason he loves to get high is because for some reason he has such a deep hatred for himself. but he really is such an intelligent, sweet, person with a huge heart that has so much love for others. but he loves to numb his pain with the drugs. it’s become a lifestyle to him now and i think it’s very scary for him to be sober because it’s an uncomfortable feeling for him.
in november, a month before our 2 year anniversary he cheated on me for the first time (that i know of.) to some it may not count as cheating, like for example it doesn’t count to him. but he was very messed up for nights in a row off of xanax and started to talking to some girl who he used to know from a couple years ago. he told me she was just someone to talk to about things, someone besides me or his bestfriend he was currently living with. i trusted him, no problem, whatever. but he ended up asking her for pictures that night he was very messed up ... if you know what i mean. i didn’t know about these pictures until feb. of this year, but i was very suspicious of the two of them back in november as i started to realize he was calling her after i’d fall asleep and be on the phone with her for about 3 hours every night. i had cried to him feeling insecure and like a jealous, psycho girlfriend and he told me i was being insecure. that i had nothing to worry about, and i just had to trust him. yet, he knew damn well what he did and lied to my face. fast forward about a month i asked him to block her after working myself up into a panic attack about bringing her up again, in fear of it causing a huge fight with him yelling and hitting things like he always does. but surprisingly he obliged and said he had no problem doing it and reassured me once again.
i’ll save you the details, but basically after that first girl, i’ve found out about another girl ... i found some very seedy messages with her on his phone talking about hooking up, he had asked her for pictures too. but when i confronted him about it, he lied again. during this whole time he switched from the xanax back to percs, buying it from random dealers. he became very distant, and we ended up getting into a huge fight over something in the past about our relationship. he was threatening to overdose off the percocet in the middle of the night, was calling me a bitch, saying F you, yelling at me, throwing things, punching walls ... i was the one to go over and fix things between us even after all that he said to me. i felt like i was in the wrong over the fight we had, it was just his anger, and i loved him too much. a couple days later he began withdrawing from the percs and had to go to the hospital for care. in january, we were fine, everything felt like it was back to normal, we got out of our low period and we’re back in our high period again.
valentine’s day was ruined this year with a new girl in his phone. an old “friend” of his, we’ll call her. he knew i was never too fond of her and told me he’d probably never talk to her again, she had just asked him for some advice about something. turns out, the next day he went to pick her up and bring her back to his house to smoke. he hid it from me, but i knew what was going on. when i confronted him about what he did that day, he told me “i don’t have to tell you every one i hang out with.” yet i know, if i told him that he would go to war with me about how that’s wrong and he deserved to know. it’s always been so one sided, he can do whatever he wants but if i do the same thing, he’ll hate me for it. i know something went down between them that first day they hung out, i have a lot of proof that has lead me to that conclusion, but yet he still denies anything.
at the end of february, he accidentally fell down a flight of stairs while off 7 bars of xanax and 3 beers. i wasn’t aware of him taking any of that, and i had gotten a text from his mom in the middle of the night that he was in the hospital. he ended up going to an impatient facility for about a week.
at the end of march, he mixed alcohol and his old suboxone from when he withdrew off the opioids and passed out in front of his parents. they couldn’t find a pulse for about a minute. me and his bestfriend were there that night, i felt like i just watched my boyfriend try to kill himself in front of me. i tried to rip the subs out of his hand, and only after some dissolved under his tongue did i get him to spit it out. he ended up going to rehab again 2 days later.
i’ve been feeling so much pain build up inside of me. from the names he calls me while in a heated argument, “stupid” “dumb” “bitch”, always accusing me of cheating when i’ve been absolutely loyal to him the entire relationship, saying if he’s ever without me he will kill himself, the cheating, the manipulation tactics, the threats about sending someone to my house if i snitch on him, the lies to my face ... i started to lose myself. i started to lose my life to his. i gave up friendships to date him because he was jealous about any time i didn’t spend with him, my family was constantly worried about my safety, i realized i am in a codependent relationship, and i’m falling into that black hole he always worried he’d bring me down. i’ve never called him insulting names, i’ve never yelled back at him, i’ve never even called him an addict to his face, i’ve never done any of the things he’s done to me.
this past week was terrible. he asked me to lie to his mom for him saying i flushed his klonopin prescription, the one he got a day after he got out of rehab. i told her i didn’t. i can’t enable him anymore. his version of “loyalty” is walking him to his grave, and i’ve woken up. immediately after i tell his mom the blaming sets in, telling me i got him kicked out (they never kicked him out) the name calling starts again, he called me “so morally self-righteous”, he said lying is a part of life ... yeah must be why you lie to me about everything. i told him we needed some healthy space. he needs time to focus on himself and getting sober and i cannot be around to enable him during it. to put it short, he got mad and broke up with me. but apparently he didn’t “mean it” and he was just angry because he felt abandoned. yet i had told him over and over i wasnt breaking up with him! we just needed some time apart with both of our best interests in mind. but he told me he chose the pills over me, he couldn’t answer the question “you wouldn’t care if you lost me?”. i felt like my head was going to explode. he kept asking if we were together and at this point i wasn’t sure if i wanted to be with him anymore. i know he isn’t going to change anytime soon, god i hope he does, but for now he isn’t. he doesn’t want the help. he went out and bought xanax and alcohol 1 day after lying about me flushing his klonopin.
so i broke up with him. i blocked him on everything because i can’t have any contact with him. he’s trying for a second chance saying things will change, but this wouldn’t be his second chance. it’s be like, his 5th. but he has hurt me so much i can’t lie to myself anymore and say this is okay. he tried to tell me the way he’s treated me is NORMAL in relationships and i’m just too pampered to know that.
but yet after all of that, i still have the nerve to feel bad for blocking him. after knowing i’ve done all i can and have stayed trying to fix someone who can’t be fixed and doesn’t want any help, and ended up losing myself and becoming brainwashed from the emotional abuse ... i still feel bad about it. i miss the version of him i thought was the real him, the sober happy him i fell in love with. but he’s no longer there and he hasn’t been for awhile. did i make the right decision? on blocking him? breaking up with him? choosing my own mental health and his own over us being together and toxic? he tells me every mistake he made, and how he treated me was because of the drugs ... but i know he was aware enough to not tell other girls he and i weren’t together 2 years into our relationship, and i know the manipulation and selfishness has happened while he is completely sober ...
i recently just turned 19 and my boyfriend of a little over two years just turned 20. he struggles with anger issues, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. i met him when i was 16 and all i knew about his drug use is that he smoked weed, which i never had a problem with (i myself don’t smoke, but it doesn’t bother me if others do). he’s my first boyfriend, my first love, and my bestfriend since i met him. our relationship has always been very mature, never like a highschool fling, filled with deep conversations we’d get lost in, and always dreaming of our future together. but that version of him is no longer around and i’m so scared.
his drugs of choice have been benzos and opioids, xanax, klonopin, percocet, and at one point codeine. for awhile, over a year into our relationship, i wasn’t even aware that he’s an addict and i don’t think he knew it either. i never liked anything he did, but he always had self control when taking these things and more than half of the time they were his prescriptions. it just took me awhile to realize he was abusing them.
everything was great our first year of our relationship and then a year in, i saw his anger for the first time. we had gotten into an argument about something dumb and he started yelling at me over the phone about it. he said “F you, bitch.” plenty of times and that scared me a lot. i’ve dealt with anxiety since i was 11 and one of my biggest symptoms of a panic attack is uncontrollable shaking in my body. i got so scared and upset by his reaction to the argument, i couldn’t keep a muscle still on my body. but i pulled myself together and went over to his house and worked it out with him. everything was fine once again, like nothing ever happened. we were back to our normal, happy selves. little did i know, our relationship would be filled with highs and lows like this.
about a year ago he went to rehab for mental health and substance abuse, when he got out he seemed so happy like he was reborn. he did great for a couple weeks only smoking weed here and there but then he continued to abuse his xanax prescription. he has a very supportive family and i’ve always supported him as well, but since november of 2020, to be blunt, **** hit the fan.
a friend of his moved in with him at his parents house, both of them are addicts who used the same prescription pills. it quickly turned into fights between them, selling each other scripts to each other and then getting mad when either of them would skimp the other. they’d steal pills from each other too. around this time is when i saw my boyfriend lose his self control while being high. i’d see him stumble, his eyes were heavy, his texts were filled with spelling errors, he’d forget what he was doing every 10 minutes, and it was so scary to me. but whenever i’d tell him what he did the night before since he couldn’t remember, he’d find it amusing and laugh. he took 9 bars one night i slept over, and the next day, still feeling the affects, drove his car with me and his bestfriend in it. when i grabbed the steering wheel to swerve us back into the right lane, he called me “bitchy” for it. wow.
i always knew the reason he loves to get high is because for some reason he has such a deep hatred for himself. but he really is such an intelligent, sweet, person with a huge heart that has so much love for others. but he loves to numb his pain with the drugs. it’s become a lifestyle to him now and i think it’s very scary for him to be sober because it’s an uncomfortable feeling for him.
in november, a month before our 2 year anniversary he cheated on me for the first time (that i know of.) to some it may not count as cheating, like for example it doesn’t count to him. but he was very messed up for nights in a row off of xanax and started to talking to some girl who he used to know from a couple years ago. he told me she was just someone to talk to about things, someone besides me or his bestfriend he was currently living with. i trusted him, no problem, whatever. but he ended up asking her for pictures that night he was very messed up ... if you know what i mean. i didn’t know about these pictures until feb. of this year, but i was very suspicious of the two of them back in november as i started to realize he was calling her after i’d fall asleep and be on the phone with her for about 3 hours every night. i had cried to him feeling insecure and like a jealous, psycho girlfriend and he told me i was being insecure. that i had nothing to worry about, and i just had to trust him. yet, he knew damn well what he did and lied to my face. fast forward about a month i asked him to block her after working myself up into a panic attack about bringing her up again, in fear of it causing a huge fight with him yelling and hitting things like he always does. but surprisingly he obliged and said he had no problem doing it and reassured me once again.
i’ll save you the details, but basically after that first girl, i’ve found out about another girl ... i found some very seedy messages with her on his phone talking about hooking up, he had asked her for pictures too. but when i confronted him about it, he lied again. during this whole time he switched from the xanax back to percs, buying it from random dealers. he became very distant, and we ended up getting into a huge fight over something in the past about our relationship. he was threatening to overdose off the percocet in the middle of the night, was calling me a bitch, saying F you, yelling at me, throwing things, punching walls ... i was the one to go over and fix things between us even after all that he said to me. i felt like i was in the wrong over the fight we had, it was just his anger, and i loved him too much. a couple days later he began withdrawing from the percs and had to go to the hospital for care. in january, we were fine, everything felt like it was back to normal, we got out of our low period and we’re back in our high period again.
valentine’s day was ruined this year with a new girl in his phone. an old “friend” of his, we’ll call her. he knew i was never too fond of her and told me he’d probably never talk to her again, she had just asked him for some advice about something. turns out, the next day he went to pick her up and bring her back to his house to smoke. he hid it from me, but i knew what was going on. when i confronted him about what he did that day, he told me “i don’t have to tell you every one i hang out with.” yet i know, if i told him that he would go to war with me about how that’s wrong and he deserved to know. it’s always been so one sided, he can do whatever he wants but if i do the same thing, he’ll hate me for it. i know something went down between them that first day they hung out, i have a lot of proof that has lead me to that conclusion, but yet he still denies anything.
at the end of february, he accidentally fell down a flight of stairs while off 7 bars of xanax and 3 beers. i wasn’t aware of him taking any of that, and i had gotten a text from his mom in the middle of the night that he was in the hospital. he ended up going to an impatient facility for about a week.
at the end of march, he mixed alcohol and his old suboxone from when he withdrew off the opioids and passed out in front of his parents. they couldn’t find a pulse for about a minute. me and his bestfriend were there that night, i felt like i just watched my boyfriend try to kill himself in front of me. i tried to rip the subs out of his hand, and only after some dissolved under his tongue did i get him to spit it out. he ended up going to rehab again 2 days later.
i’ve been feeling so much pain build up inside of me. from the names he calls me while in a heated argument, “stupid” “dumb” “bitch”, always accusing me of cheating when i’ve been absolutely loyal to him the entire relationship, saying if he’s ever without me he will kill himself, the cheating, the manipulation tactics, the threats about sending someone to my house if i snitch on him, the lies to my face ... i started to lose myself. i started to lose my life to his. i gave up friendships to date him because he was jealous about any time i didn’t spend with him, my family was constantly worried about my safety, i realized i am in a codependent relationship, and i’m falling into that black hole he always worried he’d bring me down. i’ve never called him insulting names, i’ve never yelled back at him, i’ve never even called him an addict to his face, i’ve never done any of the things he’s done to me.
this past week was terrible. he asked me to lie to his mom for him saying i flushed his klonopin prescription, the one he got a day after he got out of rehab. i told her i didn’t. i can’t enable him anymore. his version of “loyalty” is walking him to his grave, and i’ve woken up. immediately after i tell his mom the blaming sets in, telling me i got him kicked out (they never kicked him out) the name calling starts again, he called me “so morally self-righteous”, he said lying is a part of life ... yeah must be why you lie to me about everything. i told him we needed some healthy space. he needs time to focus on himself and getting sober and i cannot be around to enable him during it. to put it short, he got mad and broke up with me. but apparently he didn’t “mean it” and he was just angry because he felt abandoned. yet i had told him over and over i wasnt breaking up with him! we just needed some time apart with both of our best interests in mind. but he told me he chose the pills over me, he couldn’t answer the question “you wouldn’t care if you lost me?”. i felt like my head was going to explode. he kept asking if we were together and at this point i wasn’t sure if i wanted to be with him anymore. i know he isn’t going to change anytime soon, god i hope he does, but for now he isn’t. he doesn’t want the help. he went out and bought xanax and alcohol 1 day after lying about me flushing his klonopin.
so i broke up with him. i blocked him on everything because i can’t have any contact with him. he’s trying for a second chance saying things will change, but this wouldn’t be his second chance. it’s be like, his 5th. but he has hurt me so much i can’t lie to myself anymore and say this is okay. he tried to tell me the way he’s treated me is NORMAL in relationships and i’m just too pampered to know that.
but yet after all of that, i still have the nerve to feel bad for blocking him. after knowing i’ve done all i can and have stayed trying to fix someone who can’t be fixed and doesn’t want any help, and ended up losing myself and becoming brainwashed from the emotional abuse ... i still feel bad about it. i miss the version of him i thought was the real him, the sober happy him i fell in love with. but he’s no longer there and he hasn’t been for awhile. did i make the right decision? on blocking him? breaking up with him? choosing my own mental health and his own over us being together and toxic? he tells me every mistake he made, and how he treated me was because of the drugs ... but i know he was aware enough to not tell other girls he and i weren’t together 2 years into our relationship, and i know the manipulation and selfishness has happened while he is completely sober ...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He is bringing nothing to this relationship, he uses drugs and cheats and is at least verbally abusive...sweetie, run while you can and start to heal yourself and learn why you allow anyone to treat you this way. You deserve so very much better. Being alone is better than being with an active addict, I promise. There are meetings that can help you and some good reading. There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that helped many of us find our balance and learn how to live happy healthy lives again.
You can't change him. Nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say, tears and begging and asking for promises he cannot and will not keep, will only make "you" sicker while he continues his crazy way of living. But you can change yourself and start today by deciding that you can and will make a better life for yourself.
You are doing good, blocking his number is a wise decision. Going no contact, staying away from him completely will help you clear your head and see things in a healthier light.
It won't be easy...but I promise you that staying would be harder and more painful and eventually drag you down with him.
Good luck.
You can't change him. Nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say or don't say, tears and begging and asking for promises he cannot and will not keep, will only make "you" sicker while he continues his crazy way of living. But you can change yourself and start today by deciding that you can and will make a better life for yourself.
You are doing good, blocking his number is a wise decision. Going no contact, staying away from him completely will help you clear your head and see things in a healthier light.
It won't be easy...but I promise you that staying would be harder and more painful and eventually drag you down with him.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Blue
I read through what you wrote. I honestly didnt find any of it to be a surprise. Hes an addict doing what addicts do.
This guy has a lot of issues going on. He's also a very destructive abusive reckless addict. I hope you dont have thoughts concerning any type of happy future with him. There is only more horrendous pain & anxiety in this for you. He will never magically get all better. He needs major professional help.
Your young. From your writing you are obviously intelligent. So my advice for you is run from this guy. Get the hell away from him. Keep him blocked & do whatever you have to do to stay away from him. You cant fix him & he is not your responsibility. He sounds like a total POS & doesnt deserve to have you in his life. Kick him to the curb. Keep moving & do not under any circumstances look back!
I know what I said above isnt easy but I hope you can do it.
Take care
I read through what you wrote. I honestly didnt find any of it to be a surprise. Hes an addict doing what addicts do.
This guy has a lot of issues going on. He's also a very destructive abusive reckless addict. I hope you dont have thoughts concerning any type of happy future with him. There is only more horrendous pain & anxiety in this for you. He will never magically get all better. He needs major professional help.
Your young. From your writing you are obviously intelligent. So my advice for you is run from this guy. Get the hell away from him. Keep him blocked & do whatever you have to do to stay away from him. You cant fix him & he is not your responsibility. He sounds like a total POS & doesnt deserve to have you in his life. Kick him to the curb. Keep moving & do not under any circumstances look back!
I know what I said above isnt easy but I hope you can do it.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
You absolutely did the right thing. You have chosen prioritizing yourself and your health so quickly and so young, that’s AWESOME. When you start to lose yourself is a great sign it’s time to gtfo, and you did that.
So many people have helped me here by reminding me that if you sign up to love an active addict, you are signing up to love BOTH who he is when he’s sober and when he’s using. They aren’t separate. Even if he’s “right” when he says all the bad behavior is due to drugs and the disease of addiction, he’s still using. He’s still struggling with mental illness and trauma and addiction. So the awful behavior is just going to continue.
And you are so right to see you’ve already lost the man in your memories that you’d fallen in love with. Staying with him won’t bring that man back. But it’s totally normal and okay to grieve that loss and all the losses that come with it. Grieving isn’t linear and isn’t easy, so I hope you give yourself lots of love through your process. I’m not through it yet myself, but the stories I see here show time and time again that the sooner you start the sooner you can start to heal.
So many people have helped me here by reminding me that if you sign up to love an active addict, you are signing up to love BOTH who he is when he’s sober and when he’s using. They aren’t separate. Even if he’s “right” when he says all the bad behavior is due to drugs and the disease of addiction, he’s still using. He’s still struggling with mental illness and trauma and addiction. So the awful behavior is just going to continue.
And you are so right to see you’ve already lost the man in your memories that you’d fallen in love with. Staying with him won’t bring that man back. But it’s totally normal and okay to grieve that loss and all the losses that come with it. Grieving isn’t linear and isn’t easy, so I hope you give yourself lots of love through your process. I’m not through it yet myself, but the stories I see here show time and time again that the sooner you start the sooner you can start to heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
Blue
I read through what you wrote. I honestly didnt find any of it to be a surprise. Hes an addict doing what addicts do.
This guy has a lot of issues going on. He's also a very destructive abusive reckless addict. I hope you dont have thoughts concerning any type of happy future with him. There is only more horrendous pain & anxiety in this for you. He will never magically get all better. He needs major professional help.
Your young. From your writing you are obviously intelligent. So my advice for you is run from this guy. Get the hell away from him. Keep him blocked & do whatever you have to do to stay away from him. You cant fix him & he is not your responsibility. He sounds like a total POS & doesnt deserve to have you in his life. Kick him to the curb. Keep moving & do not under any circumstances look back!
I know what I said above isnt easy but I hope you can do it.
Take care
I read through what you wrote. I honestly didnt find any of it to be a surprise. Hes an addict doing what addicts do.
This guy has a lot of issues going on. He's also a very destructive abusive reckless addict. I hope you dont have thoughts concerning any type of happy future with him. There is only more horrendous pain & anxiety in this for you. He will never magically get all better. He needs major professional help.
Your young. From your writing you are obviously intelligent. So my advice for you is run from this guy. Get the hell away from him. Keep him blocked & do whatever you have to do to stay away from him. You cant fix him & he is not your responsibility. He sounds like a total POS & doesnt deserve to have you in his life. Kick him to the curb. Keep moving & do not under any circumstances look back!
I know what I said above isnt easy but I hope you can do it.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Blue
I totally understand how difficult it is to separate ourselves from the crazy world of our addicts. Its not easy to do.
Just as it was for me, time away from your addict is your friend. It will get better if you just give it time. Its a big world out there I have no doubt other & much better / healthier relationships are out there for you. Most of your life story is yet to be written. Please make the best of it.
I totally understand how difficult it is to separate ourselves from the crazy world of our addicts. Its not easy to do.
Just as it was for me, time away from your addict is your friend. It will get better if you just give it time. Its a big world out there I have no doubt other & much better / healthier relationships are out there for you. Most of your life story is yet to be written. Please make the best of it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
Oh sweet girl, you’re so young and have your entire life ahead of you.
Run fast and run far, not because the live is gone but because you love yourself more. It’s an impossible downward slope loving someone in active addiction.
Run fast and run far, not because the live is gone but because you love yourself more. It’s an impossible downward slope loving someone in active addiction.
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