How to deal with lies

Old 04-16-2021, 09:26 PM
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How to deal with lies

Hi all, I am a newbie here. My husband is alcoholic and he went to rehab few years ago and that moment I was so happy and proud for him because he decided to checked into rehab by his own decision.
But my happy story ended up when the day he got out from rehab and I found out he already bought the evil vodka. I found the red cap bottles under the bathroom sink. Since that day I admit that I don’t have any little trust ever to him. He admitted it and has a sponsor and life seems fine. Eventhough I noticed every few times he still bought the vodka & lied to me. But I chose to shut my mouth instead confronted him because I knew the reaction will be denial.

So now just as today I noticed he even walked like really bad drunk. ( I never able to forget the years lived in hell every nights, the images and the way he talk, fought and wasted my energy confronted a bad drunk person who won’t remember anything )
At this time his mom is dying of cancer. And he has to be the one in charge for everything. Well I got that.

I feel for him, and I will be on his side to help him or just to cry with him. I told him that he has to be strong, sober for this situation. I told him that I knew he still buying drink ( not bad drunk but yeah I knew if he’s drink from his attitude, the way he talk ).

Today wasn’t the first time since his mom issue that I noticed he has been drunk and more than 2 times he walked like bad drunk. Today I confronted him and of course he denied it. Act stupid, acted like I’m the one who always has a problem with my anger.
He told me to back off the Fck off etc and I was just feel disgusted.

At that moment, honestly I didn’t feel sorry or pity for him about his stress. I said vodka won’t help you.

Tomorrow morning or any other days the problem will always be there. He still needs to deal with everything before and after his mom passes.
He kept intimidated me but I didn’t buy it no more. I didn’t scream top of my lung no more or throw things. He told me that it just you and me! I said yeah of course but There’s no you and me with this condition! I don’t have nor want to deal with drunk to deal with his mom problem. For me, It’s waste of energy to talk / discuss important things with drunk.

Long story guys but I am scare and worry for my well being if the time his mom passes and I’m sure he’ll get that vodka. What worries me that he will drink like the old days make him passes out, can’t control himself to be able to walk straight kinda thing. I knew that he won’t ever be a sober, ever! He’ll always get the drink. But at this time, it’s like a challenge for his own devil inside of him to make a choice.

I got it that alcoholism is a disease but he has a choice. I’m upset because he chose the vodka instead pickup the phone talk to his sponsor.
I don’t know how to handle or ignores this BS. I’m just a normal person, I’ve my own bad and good mood so I can ignore him like I always do for a long time, but I can’t help myself if I sees him with the condition like today. It meant he drank more than one bottle.

I realized that myself is became more angrier since I married him. I know that I angry to myself for staying with him and have a faith that he’ll be change. He doesn’t have a big happy family to start with and fine I dealt with the situation. I just want him to be a better sober person like everyone out there who can be sober for a very long time. I want him to gain my trust back but it seems he doesn’t care. It just lies over lies, empty promises he keep saying you’re right bla bla.

I am tired and I’m not happy, but I choose to makes myself to enjoy things, talk to myself screw him. It’s his own life, his body, keep drinking and maybe he’ll dies. It’s all his own choice. I hate him when he is drink and drunk bad or not bad drunk I just hate it. I don’t even sure anymore if I still love him or I just feel bad for him because he’s a nice person when he’s sober.

Thank you for reading my crappy story. Any suggestion what to do will be very helpful.
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Old 04-16-2021, 11:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Rainheart View Post
I just want him to be a better sober person like everyone out there who can be sober for a very long time.
I want him to gain my trust back but it seems he doesn’t care. It just lies over lies,
Hi Rainheart. Well, see above where you say what you want (for him to do), that's not what he is doing and it's apparently not what he wants. He wants to drink. He can make promises to you all day long, but it's his actions you need to look at really and his actions are - drinking.

He is not in any kind of recovery, sounds like he is just trying to stop drinking so much right now to get you to cool off. Also you can't be sure how much he is drinking anyway, since he hides it.

Alcohol, to him, comes before everything else. It's not curable, he will always be an alcoholic and he will always have to be careful not to drink, if he wants to stay in recovery.

So what to do? Well it's all up to you of course, you can't change him, he is his own person. So if you are truly done with living with an alcoholic, now might be the time to start making a plan to leave?


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Old 04-17-2021, 04:10 AM
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As Trail Mix says, he is not likely to change so it is about what you want. Do you want to be with someone who will lie all the time?

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Old 04-17-2021, 04:35 AM
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My friend, he is already doing the things you are scared he is going to do. The only thing you can control is what you do with that information. You cannot change him, so if you want change, you must change YOU.

Feeling sorry for someone is not a reason to stay. You can care for someone without placing yourself in the line of fire, or sacrificing yourself to make them more comfortable. Sendng you strength and courage to accept him for who he is right now, and to make your plans accordingly.
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Old 04-17-2021, 11:17 AM
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Rainheart, my mother just recently died after a long bout with cancer, so your post particularly resonated with me.

My mother's last days were by far the most difficult period I ever had to face. What made it even more so that I was surrounded by family members who wanted nothing more than to pretend that she wasn't dying. Whatever unhealthy coping mechanisms they had were magnified one thousand times. The hospice nurse and I ended up being as thick as thieves because it was pure sheer insanity. She had seen it all so with me there was no judgment.

I am telling you this because I think your concerns are very much valid. I am also writing to you because I think your anger is a pretty healthy response to what you're enduring. I am also concerned that your husband may ask you to do things, such as purchase more alcohol for him, that you do not want to do, under the guise of "supporting him through this difficult time." I don't have any advice but I do have a story that you might find useful. [Trigger alert: Suicide request]

My own mother actually asked me to help her die at one point. I had made it very clear in the past that this was something I would not and could not do for my own personal reasons, so when she asked me again I had to tell her no. It tore my heart to say it but she replied by saying that she completely understood and respected my wishes, even though I could not fulfill hers. She also made it clear that she still knew that I still loved her.

You don't have to say yes or agree with somebody 100% of the time to love them. Anybody who expects otherwise is setting up that relationship for failure.

PS. I can count with one hand the number of times that I drank during my mom's last three months, and I never did it while I was "on watch." I was already sleep-deprived and I didn't want to stack the cards against me OR her by being drunk. There are much more healthy ways to cope, but I suspect you already know this.

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Old 04-17-2021, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi Rainheart. Well, see above where you say what you want (for him to do), that's not what he is doing and it's apparently not what he wants. He wants to drink. He can make promises to you all day long, but it's his actions you need to look at really and his actions are - drinking.

He is not in any kind of recovery, sounds like he is just trying to stop drinking so much right now to get you to cool off. Also you can't be sure how much he is drinking anyway, since he hides it.

Alcohol, to him, comes before everything else. It's not curable, he will always be an alcoholic and he will always have to be careful not to drink, if he wants to stay in recovery.

So what to do? Well it's all up to you of course, you can't change him, he is his own person. So if you are truly done with living with an alcoholic, now might be the time to start making a plan to leave?
Trailmix, thanks so much for the response. Yes you’re absolutely right about he tried to stop drinking because his doc told him if he isn’t stop he might have cirrchosis as he always been that way since his young age.

Yes I never sure if he’s been drink or not, so it’s always in my mind and makes me like I’m crazy paranoid. I can be cool and just ignore and I can just says something and of course the answer no. At the point when he ruined my trust after out from rehab, I told myself to stop looking for the bottles under the sink. And I did good & I can just smell his breath after work and talking to myself “haha you’ve been drinking”



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Old 04-17-2021, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 View Post
As Trail Mix says, he is not likely to change so it is about what you want. Do you want to be with someone who will lie all the time?
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
My friend, he is already doing the things you are scared he is going to do. The only thing you can control is what you do with that information. You cannot change him, so if you want change, you must change YOU.

Feeling sorry for someone is not a reason to stay. You can care for someone without placing yourself in the line of fire, or sacrificing yourself to make them more comfortable. Sendng you strength and courage to accept him for who he is right now, and to make your plans accordingly.
@PeacefulWater12 & @Sparklekitty,
No, I don’t want to. But I’m torn in between, because when he’s not drinking, he is just nice and mellow guy. He is the type of functioning alcoholic.
When he’s drinking in the term one bottle of vodka ( I have no idea the ml ) he was just act different, but last night it was the worst because he told me this morning yes he drank more than enough. I can ignore the one bottle and just tell myself you lie, but when it is over the top, I just can’t help myself not to confront him. He never abuse me physically but last night he talked pretty ****** and I told him that. Like always, drunk last night and don’t remember anything.

So I asked him, do you remember what did you said last night? I said last night you were really over the top and talked to me like ****, I don’t deserved that unrespectful talked after all I am the only one who’s always stand up for you.
Should I play the recording? I didn’t record it but we have a indoor camera for the dogs. He told me yes he was drank, apologized and told me because of his mom issue and his middle aged son whom never respect him and called him stupid because he went to AA etc. I told him then why always me got the consequences from your drunk talk? I’m the only one who’s always be there for him, especially at this moment.

He explained to me when he bought the vodka and drank it in the parking lot, himself said why you doing it and yet he didn’t stop himself. He said I have to go back to AA meeting talk etc.

I also asked him, so how do you feeling today? He said still ******, sad etc. I said see, I told you the vodka only help you for a few hours, go to bed and voila your problems are still there. Evil vodka don’t help you. He knew that himself is alcoholic, he told me he always craving for the drink but sometimes he said no. But yesterday it was way too much stress for him to handle. Because I never be taught to be responsible because my mom kicked me out when I was a teenager. ( His mom isn’t the greatest mom but I told him to get the connection by calling her every single week and now the cancer issue and he needs to be the one responsible for everything. I get that stress but I expect him to deal with everything in a sober way for his moms sake.

He will be going back to AA meet with his sponsor tomorrow. For me it doesn’t mean I trust him again after last night, no I might never gonna trust him over this one problem.

Yes I changed myself pretty good compare 10 years ago. I can went ballistic every nights, looking the bottles etc. Told myself that I don’t deserved to be treated like that. I have to love myself.

Thanks so much guys and I’ll be still hangin here and we shall see what’s coming when his mom finally passes.


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Old 04-17-2021, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Rainheart View Post
Trailmix, thanks so much for the response. Yes you’re absolutely right about he tried to stop drinking because his doc told him if he isn’t stop he might have cirrchosis as he always been that way since his young age.

Yes I never sure if he’s been drink or not, so it’s always in my mind and makes me like I’m crazy paranoid. I can be cool and just ignore and I can just says something and of course the answer no. At the point when he ruined my trust after out from rehab, I told myself to stop looking for the bottles under the sink. And I did good & I can just smell his breath after work and talking to myself “haha you’ve been drinking”
Yes, he has, you know it, don't doubt yourself. You know what you know. He has contributed to your doubt, but you shouldn't let that affect you.

Here is this person you used to know, who lies to your face. That can be hard to take. You ask a simple question, "have you been drinking"? The response is "no". This can make you second guess yourself. Am I just paranoid? Am I seeing what isn't really there because I'm so suspicious? He says I have an anger problem. Instead of questioning your own reality, just know what you know. You are talking to an alcoholic who likes to drink. If you think he has been drinking, he probably has.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter if he has or he hasn't. Things are the way they are and you can't control that and you can't change him. If you want things to change you will have to make that change, for yourself.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it.

he told me this morning yes he drank more than enough. I can ignore the one bottle and just tell myself you lie, but when it is over the top, I just can’t help myself not to confront him.
Why do you do it? Do you hope he will stop, drinking and/or lying? Do you do it to vent your anger? To prove that he was lying? Some other reason?



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Old 04-17-2021, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Rainheart, my mother just recently died after a long bout with cancer, so your post particularly resonated with me.

My mother's last days were by far the most difficult period I ever had to face. What made it even more so that I was surrounded by family members who wanted nothing more than to pretend that she wasn't dying. Whatever unhealthy coping mechanisms they had were magnified one thousand times. The hospice nurse and I ended up being as thick as thieves because it was pure sheer insanity. She had seen it all so with me there was no judgment.

I am telling you this because I think your concerns are very much valid. I am also writing to you because I think your anger is a pretty healthy response to what you're enduring. I am also concerned that your husband may ask you to do things, such as purchase more alcohol for him, that you do not want to do, under the guise of "supporting him through this difficult time." I don't have any advice but I do have a story that you might find useful. [Trigger alert: Suicide request]

My own mother actually asked me to help her die at one point. I had made it very clear in the past that this was something I would not and could not do for my own personal reasons, so when she asked me again I had to tell her no. It tore my heart to say it but she replied by saying that she completely understood and respected my wishes, even though I could not fulfill hers. She also made it clear that she still knew that I still loved her.

You don't have to say yes or agree with somebody 100% of the time to love them. Anybody who expects otherwise is setting up that relationship for failure.

PS. I can count with one hand the number of times that I drank during my mom's last three months, and I never did it while I was "on watch." I was already sleep-deprived and I didn't want to stack the cards against me OR her by being drunk. There are much more healthy ways to cope, but I suspect you already know this.
@PuzzledHeart, I’m so sorry for your loss. I loss my parents years ago when I was in my 20. My mom got heart attack so that time I had to be a grown up within a day. My dad was brokenheart passed 2 years after. Then my young bro passed due his hemophilia.
Maybe that’s why I’m so strong and expect my husband to be strong, handle everything good etc. I don’t want him to be drunk and when there’s important calls, and he won’t be capable to make any decisions.

His mom is now in the hospice also due her oral cancer stage 4 already spread to her lungs. And she wants to “kill herself “ because in CA apparently is legal things to do if your condition get approve.

We don’t live in CA so it’s really heart breaking to put her in the hospice, can’t eat / drink much ( only drink half of a bottle of Ensure everyday ). He is very stress over everything, his mom condition, and as POA, hospitals calls him etc.
And to do the kill yourself, his mom has to pass few steps of doctors visit, and if they says she’s not in her right mind then she’ll end up dying slowly of morphine and it’s horrible.

So I’m hoping that he can cope when the day comes in a better way, eventhough I doubt that he won’t buy the drink, but I only hope he won’t go back to the dark hole. Bad things to wish, I just hope his mom to passes soon, for her ownself and himself, so he can be grieving, deal with her estates etc.

Hang in there Puzzledheart, you can do it.



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Old 04-17-2021, 06:45 PM
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I used to supervise a woman who lied a lot. It took me a long time to just. stop. asking. her things - because she'd lie, and I'd be furious all over again.

My husband was an alcoholic, who died about 11 years ago. Even though he drank, I still loved him. I didn't love *living with him* but I was afraid of the financial situation if I left. I once complained on this forum that he never even tried to stop drinking, and someone replied, "He couldn't." Which at some point in his life, was probably true. At some point it isn't a choice any more. It's a compulsion, one that can't be controlled.
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Old 04-17-2021, 09:45 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
I used to supervise a woman who lied a lot. It took me a long time to just. stop. asking. her things - because she'd lie, and I'd be furious all over again.

My husband was an alcoholic, who died about 11 years ago. Even though he drank, I still loved him. I didn't love *living with him* but I was afraid of the financial situation if I left. I once complained on this forum that he never even tried to stop drinking, and someone replied, "He couldn't." Which at some point in his life, was probably true. At some point it isn't a choice any more. It's a compulsion, one that can't be controlled.
@velma929 its so true about none will be able to help about the problem. I learned about that and yet I’m still upset but not as much / crazy. I don’t love him when he’s drunk. I just love to keep my distance by staying in the other bedroom with my dogs & keep my mouth shut 🤐
I feel living with an alcoholic is like living in 2 different ways. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

I can says I love my dogs the most compare to him. It’s cruel and bad but I just feel that way. I love him and yet I hate him also. Sometimes i am thinking, if he dies I will feel relief and happy and sad at the same time.
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Old 04-17-2021, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, he has, you know it, don't doubt yourself. You know what you know. He has contributed to your doubt, but you shouldn't let that affect you.

Here is this person you used to know, who lies to your face. That can be hard to take. You ask a simple question, "have you been drinking"? The response is "no". This can make you second guess yourself. Am I just paranoid? Am I seeing what isn't really there because I'm so suspicious? He says I have an anger problem. Instead of questioning your own reality, just know what you know. You are talking to an alcoholic who likes to drink. If you think he has been drinking, he probably has.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter if he has or he hasn't. Things are the way they are and you can't control that and you can't change him. If you want things to change you will have to make that change, for yourself.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it can't Cure it.



Why do you do it? Do you hope he will stop, drinking and/or lying? Do you do it to vent your anger? To prove that he was lying? Some other reason?
No I don’t have the hope that he’ll stop drinking etc, i was expected him not drawn himself about the stress to the deep stupid drunken moment.

Also I think I did that because he acted like stupid. I was telling myself last night just to shut and do the silent treatment and just go out by myself. But I think it was really makes me upset, hurtful and like made me back in the dark hole again. I am still angry and I think I will always be angry. Not good but I just can’t help myself.
So next time, I should just ignore him and next day I’ll just act like it’s nothing happen the night before?
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Old 04-18-2021, 05:44 AM
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My husband was drunk pretty much all the time toward the end of his life. He wasn't working. I got up, went to work, came home. I never saw him in the morning. By the time I came home, he was drunk. Sometimes not too noticeably, sometimes he was so far gone he had to stand with his knees slightly bent to keep his balance. One night I saw him staring at something in the kitchen. I asked if he was okay, he said yeah, just trying to figure something out. What is it, I asked? "The toaster."

He couldn't figure out the toaster.

I got so I pretty much didn't speak to him unless I was spoken to. When he did say something, I said something non-committal like "Uh huh." I found that even saying I agreed with him could start an argument, because he'd change his mind about what he said to start a fight. So it was hard, but I learned not to react or comment. I didn't even start meaningless conversations about the weather or work or anything. I'd either get frustrated at telling him something we'd already gone over, or we get into a fight.
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Old 04-18-2021, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
I used to supervise a woman who lied a lot. It took me a long time to just. stop. asking. her things - because she'd lie, and I'd be furious all over again.
Goodness me, this hit me. I had forgotten but I was exactly like this with my late AH. I got to where I didn't bother asking him anything as I KNEW he would lie. He lied about absolutely everything. Not just things connected to his drinking. Everything. Thank you for sharing this, Velma.

Rainheart, this really is not a nice way to live.
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Old 04-18-2021, 08:15 AM
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I'm going to second velma and PW when they talk about how eventually, when you know someone lies about EVERYTHING, you simply stop asking. And then you stop talking, at least not about anything beyond the weather and similar topics. And at some point, you realize there is nothing left.

You posted the following:
I’m torn in between, because when he’s not drinking, he is just nice and mellow guy. He is the type of functioning alcoholic.

You've mentioned two important points here. One, that he's a nice guy when he's not drinking. I think everyone who comes here has said that, somewhere in their early posts. I know I certainly did! But what I was told, and will pass on to you here, is that "the nice guy" and "the dishonest/irresponsible/cruel/whatever other bad behavior drunk" are one and the same person. They cannot be separated. One comes along with the other, like horrible Siamese twins.

The other point is the "functioning alcoholic" reference. What most here will tell you is that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholic, but a stage. They ALL "function"--until they don't. And it's not like you get an email 2 weeks in advance of the DUI or the car crash or the loss of a job or whatever other catastrophe marks the end of the "functioning" stage, so that you know you need to get out now; you'll still be there and will get to share in the mounting debts, legal costs, loss of your home, and so on.

Some time ago, an SR member posted about "functioning alcoholics." It was tremendously helpful to me in clarifying my situation, and I saved it to refer to as I moved forward. I'll re-post it here, hoping you'll find some help in it also.
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.

"Connecting to others with truth"--is that happening w/your "functioning" alcoholic?
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Old 04-18-2021, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Rainheart View Post
So next time, I should just ignore him and next day I’ll just act like it’s nothing happen the night before?
I think what honeypig said is so true and well said.

I was truly wondering why you confront him though. In a "normal" relationship, say your Husband got too drunk at a family function, you might well be angry the next day and he would probably apologize and not do it again.

That's not going to happen here. You get angry and frustrated and that's completely understandable, who wouldn't? I asked because what is the point, it hurts you. You get angry, you tell him off, you feel bad, he probably goes and has a drink (all the while resenting you).

Alcohol is not just "fun" for him, it is his friend, his soother, the thing that he uses to cope.

So ignore it? Well I wouldn't be around him when he is drunk and unruly and I couldn't be bothered to tell him off. Acceptance is key. You can continue to resent him or you can just accept that he is an alcoholic and he will drink and he will drink too much. Now whether you choose to live there with him while he pursues this, that's a question only you can answer.

Do you want to live with a person that drinks too much? Can you accept and detach from his drinking?
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Old 04-18-2021, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
Thanks for this, honeypig.

Most alcoholics have jobs, pay the bills, participate in families. That's really nothing special or something of merit. It's common. It's ordinary. It's the overwhelming majority.

I've come to see that every alcoholic who is not completely committed to recovery is very much a non-functioning emotional partner. There is absolutely no way to have a deeply satisfying, secure, intimate emotional relationship with an active alcoholic. I've never seen one example - and I know a lot of alcoholics, both active and recovering.

(As always, just my experience.)
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Old 04-18-2021, 11:41 AM
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Rainheart.......one thing that you may not have considered.....that he may not even remember much. if any, of what happened the night before---depending on how much he drank the night beofore.
That is known as blackout periods. I think that we sober ones forget about that. We remember every single thing that happened and are still smarting and stewing abouot it, but, the drinking alcoholi has their own built-in anesthesia/amnesia.
It sounds to me like you are trying to detach as a method of reducing your own anxiety and buy you some emotional space from his actions. Yes, that is one of the useful tools in the tool box for your own recovery....and, it DOES buy you some time and space so that you can better gather your strength and think. However, it is just one tool of many that you will need.
Just like a hammer is a valuable tool. but one cannot build a whole house with just a hammer.

do you have any other overwhelming concerns, like financial survival concerns, fear of being alone, fear of what others will think, fear of the image of personal failure, fear of being "blamed" by him., etc.....?
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Old 04-18-2021, 09:22 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I'm going to second velma and PW when they talk about how eventually, when you know someone lies about EVERYTHING, you simply stop asking. And then you stop talking, at least not about anything beyond the weather and similar topics. And at some point, you realize there is nothing left.

You posted the following:
I’m torn in between, because when he’s not drinking, he is just nice and mellow guy. He is the type of functioning alcoholic.

You've mentioned two important points here. One, that he's a nice guy when he's not drinking. I think everyone who comes here has said that, somewhere in their early posts. I know I certainly did! But what I was told, and will pass on to you here, is that "the nice guy" and "the dishonest/irresponsible/cruel/whatever other bad behavior drunk" are one and the same person. They cannot be separated. One comes along with the other, like horrible Siamese twins.

The other point is the "functioning alcoholic" reference. What most here will tell you is that "functioning" is not a type of alcoholic, but a stage. They ALL "function"--until they don't. And it's not like you get an email 2 weeks in advance of the DUI or the car crash or the loss of a job or whatever other catastrophe marks the end of the "functioning" stage, so that you know you need to get out now; you'll still be there and will get to share in the mounting debts, legal costs, loss of your home, and so on.

Some time ago, an SR member posted about "functioning alcoholics." It was tremendously helpful to me in clarifying my situation, and I saved it to refer to as I moved forward. I'll re-post it here, hoping you'll find some help in it also.
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.

"Connecting to others with truth"--is that happening w/your "functioning" alcoholic?
Thanks for sharing about the post@honeypig its really true about the same person with 2 different personalities if I can said. And it’s also true about what @Velma and @PeacefulWater12 said, sometimes I am just thinking that our relationship isn’t that like it supposed to because I keep my distance most of the time.
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Old 04-18-2021, 09:28 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Rainheart.......one thing that you may not have considered.....that he may not even remember much. if any, of what happened the night before---depending on how much he drank the night beofore.
That is known as blackout periods. I think that we sober ones forget about that. We remember every single thing that happened and are still smarting and stewing abouot it, but, the drinking alcoholi has their own built-in anesthesia/amnesia.
It sounds to me like you are trying to detach as a method of reducing your own anxiety and buy you some emotional space from his actions. Yes, that is one of the useful tools in the tool box for your own recovery....and, it DOES buy you some time and space so that you can better gather your strength and think. However, it is just one tool of many that you will need.
Just like a hammer is a valuable tool. but one cannot build a whole house with just a hammer.

do you have any other overwhelming concerns, like financial survival concerns, fear of being alone, fear of what others will think, fear of the image of personal failure, fear of being "blamed" by him., etc.....?
True, we are the sober won’t forget anything that happened and I personally will still have and carry on the anger that can be end up just ignores him all Fay or I confronted.

No, I am not worry about other things too much, but fear about I am gonna getting older and gonna dies, and I don’t have any family here, only friends but friends also have their own personal life so you can’t really depends on them all the time if you’re old and sick etc. It’s weird huh

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