Wounded from the Shrapnel Disbursed From My Boyfriend and His Adult Children
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 3
Wounded from the Shrapnel Disbursed From My Boyfriend and His Adult Children
Hello,
I have been a practicing member of 12 step programs for over 30 years. I have, however, been struggling for about a year and a half with an Alanon issue and I can't seem to "let-go" of or resolve this conflict in my mind and heart. Therefore I am reaching out for others' suggestions, experiences, strength and hope.
The scenario:
My boyfriend and I are in our early fifties. We both have ex's and adult children. Let's call my boyfriend, Bruce . He's loving, spiritual, smart and somewhat of an introvert. Bruce's ex-wife is an active alcoholic abusing herself and their family for 30 years. Interestingly, my ex is also an alcoholic but he has been in active recovery with continuous sobriety for 30 years.
Bruce and I hit it off immediately. We had so much in common regarding values, interests and future desires. Early on, Bruce told me that he had hoped I would become a "mother-figure" and / or "confidant" to his oldest child and only daughter, 28- year-old, I'll call her Joyce. We weekly went out with Joyce to dinners and would often see her boyfriend as well. They would invite us over to watch football games and to enjoy birthday celebrations. I became close to her. After dating for about nine months, Bruce and I realized that we wanted to plan for a future together. He told me that he wanted me to participate in all of his family functions as he felt he wanted me by his side as his partner. I loved hearing this. I have quite a small and somewhat dysfunctional family. From what I could tell at that point, his adult children, father and brother were lovely, warm and engaging people who were happy to see their father, ( brother, son) so happy. Bruce's ex-wife, the active alcoholic, wreaked havoc on the family for nearly 30 years. Bruce was mentally, (sometimes) physically and verbally abused as were his children. By the time the children were young adults, his now former wife once or twice, physically abused two of the three young adult children, but the emotional abuse/ embarrassment had been a part of their entire lives.
At a year and a half of dating, Bruce tells me that Joyce will be getting engaged at a small "just-for family" party. I found out that it was a large, friends and family event. When I asked about it I was told that Bruce's family was afraid of Joyce's mother getting drunk and possibly accosting me. I understood that this was a special occasion for her, but I was still very hurt. The following month Bruce's son was having a house warming party. I had seen the invitation on Bruce's refrigerator for about six weeks. Now I was wondering if I would not be a part of that momentous family occasion either. I was not.
As the months wore on, my hurt came out in a variety of ways. Our relationship went south. We ended up "taking a break" from each other a few times. ( His choice as I am such a co-dependent, stay-with-them- until- the - bitter -end person.) While I was truly happy for Joyce and her fiance, I felt a schism between us as I was not able to participate in the myriad of ensuing parties, activities and conversations. Bruce broke it off and decided to get back together after the wedding.
The wedding came and went and Bruce and me began to date again. He was grumpy, non attentive and basically not interested in me or anything else in his life. He told me the ex got drunk at the wedding. He was upset that everyone had a partner but him at the wedding. Things have not gotten better.
He broke it off with me again, January 4, stating that he loved me but saw that his current mental and emotional condition was not meeting my needs and that this was hurting him too much. He said he wanted to work on his issues. While it ripped me to the core, I did not contact him. Five weeks ago I received a beautiful apology letter from him stating how much her still loves me and how he is sorry for the hurt that his "ignorance" of dealing with alcoholism caused me. After a few weeks I accepted his apology and told him that if he was able to deal more with the effects the alcoholism had on him and his family, that I'd be open to dating again.
Am I crazy? I can't seem to let go of this man. I really do believe I love him but I cannot be second in his life.
Please share ideas/thoughts.
Kathy T.
I have been a practicing member of 12 step programs for over 30 years. I have, however, been struggling for about a year and a half with an Alanon issue and I can't seem to "let-go" of or resolve this conflict in my mind and heart. Therefore I am reaching out for others' suggestions, experiences, strength and hope.
The scenario:
My boyfriend and I are in our early fifties. We both have ex's and adult children. Let's call my boyfriend, Bruce . He's loving, spiritual, smart and somewhat of an introvert. Bruce's ex-wife is an active alcoholic abusing herself and their family for 30 years. Interestingly, my ex is also an alcoholic but he has been in active recovery with continuous sobriety for 30 years.
Bruce and I hit it off immediately. We had so much in common regarding values, interests and future desires. Early on, Bruce told me that he had hoped I would become a "mother-figure" and / or "confidant" to his oldest child and only daughter, 28- year-old, I'll call her Joyce. We weekly went out with Joyce to dinners and would often see her boyfriend as well. They would invite us over to watch football games and to enjoy birthday celebrations. I became close to her. After dating for about nine months, Bruce and I realized that we wanted to plan for a future together. He told me that he wanted me to participate in all of his family functions as he felt he wanted me by his side as his partner. I loved hearing this. I have quite a small and somewhat dysfunctional family. From what I could tell at that point, his adult children, father and brother were lovely, warm and engaging people who were happy to see their father, ( brother, son) so happy. Bruce's ex-wife, the active alcoholic, wreaked havoc on the family for nearly 30 years. Bruce was mentally, (sometimes) physically and verbally abused as were his children. By the time the children were young adults, his now former wife once or twice, physically abused two of the three young adult children, but the emotional abuse/ embarrassment had been a part of their entire lives.
At a year and a half of dating, Bruce tells me that Joyce will be getting engaged at a small "just-for family" party. I found out that it was a large, friends and family event. When I asked about it I was told that Bruce's family was afraid of Joyce's mother getting drunk and possibly accosting me. I understood that this was a special occasion for her, but I was still very hurt. The following month Bruce's son was having a house warming party. I had seen the invitation on Bruce's refrigerator for about six weeks. Now I was wondering if I would not be a part of that momentous family occasion either. I was not.
As the months wore on, my hurt came out in a variety of ways. Our relationship went south. We ended up "taking a break" from each other a few times. ( His choice as I am such a co-dependent, stay-with-them- until- the - bitter -end person.) While I was truly happy for Joyce and her fiance, I felt a schism between us as I was not able to participate in the myriad of ensuing parties, activities and conversations. Bruce broke it off and decided to get back together after the wedding.
The wedding came and went and Bruce and me began to date again. He was grumpy, non attentive and basically not interested in me or anything else in his life. He told me the ex got drunk at the wedding. He was upset that everyone had a partner but him at the wedding. Things have not gotten better.
He broke it off with me again, January 4, stating that he loved me but saw that his current mental and emotional condition was not meeting my needs and that this was hurting him too much. He said he wanted to work on his issues. While it ripped me to the core, I did not contact him. Five weeks ago I received a beautiful apology letter from him stating how much her still loves me and how he is sorry for the hurt that his "ignorance" of dealing with alcoholism caused me. After a few weeks I accepted his apology and told him that if he was able to deal more with the effects the alcoholism had on him and his family, that I'd be open to dating again.
Am I crazy? I can't seem to let go of this man. I really do believe I love him but I cannot be second in his life.
Please share ideas/thoughts.
Kathy T.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I don't think you're crazy. I think you're signing up for more of the same.
He's in his fifties. His children are adults. If the whole lot of them are determined to walk on eggshells to kowtow to the ex, there's nothing you can do about it. You could plan outings for yourself while your boyfriend ( not even worthy of man-friend, really) visits with these people. That's signing up for a lifetime of special days - alone. Some people would, I guess, if life with the partner was awesome. You describe his latest iteration as 'grumpy, inattentive, and not interested' in you or anything else.
I think you can do better. And by better, I mean I'd rather have my freedom than be emotionally tied to a fair-weather lover.
He's in his fifties. His children are adults. If the whole lot of them are determined to walk on eggshells to kowtow to the ex, there's nothing you can do about it. You could plan outings for yourself while your boyfriend ( not even worthy of man-friend, really) visits with these people. That's signing up for a lifetime of special days - alone. Some people would, I guess, if life with the partner was awesome. You describe his latest iteration as 'grumpy, inattentive, and not interested' in you or anything else.
I think you can do better. And by better, I mean I'd rather have my freedom than be emotionally tied to a fair-weather lover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Kathy, glad you found SR.
Well, the only experience I have had with this is with my Father and he was the alcoholic. He had a girlfriend, before my parents were "officially" divorced, but the relationship was, obviously well and truly over for them by then.
My Sister got married around that time, I think it was the same year that the official divorce took place. The girlfriend was at my Sister's wedding. We pretty much accepted her from the beginning, we were never close but cordial and friendly.
Perhaps the difference here is that the Mother is an alcoholic and in this situation, potentially a loose cannon. I can actually see why they are hesitant to include you in these events. In an ideal world, which is perhaps the one they were dreaming of initially, everyone would just get along. But there is probably alcohol at these events and even if there isn't, doesn't mean that it wouldn't turn out like they fear it will, with Joyce's Mother accosting you. That actually seems like a very real concern.
That doesn't make you "second" to him that I can see and as for the children, well she is their Mother and that's that and their actions are understandable to me, from the outside.
It does put Bruce in a terrible position though, he's not really choosing Joyce's Mother, but his loyalty to you makes him feel horrible I would think.
Now, if this is going to be a hurtful concern for you going forward, then he is right, he cannot fulfill your needs on this issue and it is going to hurt both of you.
If you can accept it, maybe a second try is in order but if you know you can't, it's just going to end the same way. I hope if you do try to give it another go that you take it very slow and it would be great if you could perhaps speak with a counsellor or therapist if you can.
Is he working some kind of program, AA, regularly?
Well, the only experience I have had with this is with my Father and he was the alcoholic. He had a girlfriend, before my parents were "officially" divorced, but the relationship was, obviously well and truly over for them by then.
My Sister got married around that time, I think it was the same year that the official divorce took place. The girlfriend was at my Sister's wedding. We pretty much accepted her from the beginning, we were never close but cordial and friendly.
Perhaps the difference here is that the Mother is an alcoholic and in this situation, potentially a loose cannon. I can actually see why they are hesitant to include you in these events. In an ideal world, which is perhaps the one they were dreaming of initially, everyone would just get along. But there is probably alcohol at these events and even if there isn't, doesn't mean that it wouldn't turn out like they fear it will, with Joyce's Mother accosting you. That actually seems like a very real concern.
That doesn't make you "second" to him that I can see and as for the children, well she is their Mother and that's that and their actions are understandable to me, from the outside.
It does put Bruce in a terrible position though, he's not really choosing Joyce's Mother, but his loyalty to you makes him feel horrible I would think.
Now, if this is going to be a hurtful concern for you going forward, then he is right, he cannot fulfill your needs on this issue and it is going to hurt both of you.
If you can accept it, maybe a second try is in order but if you know you can't, it's just going to end the same way. I hope if you do try to give it another go that you take it very slow and it would be great if you could perhaps speak with a counsellor or therapist if you can.
He was grumpy, non attentive and basically not interested in me or anything else in his life
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
So at this point, he has ended the relationship, but you are still leaving the door open, do I understand correctly?
For what it’s worth, it sounds like Bruce had idealistic expectations and set expectations for you that you both wanted...but then the family dynamics were such that they couldn’t happen after all. He asked you to become a mother figure to “Joyce,” so you tried to do that and it may be that you succeeded too well, actually, and her actual mother became territorial about it all and put up walls and a moat around the original family and insisted everyone abide within them.
It’s quite possible Bruce didn’t know this would happen or he just hoped time would soften the situation to a point where everyone could get along. It wasn’t an unreasonable thought...it just didn’t turn out that way.
When I met my current husband he was two years’ divorced from his ex, with whom he had three grown children. I sensed that any appearance of my involvement with “her” kids was going to create all kinds of drama, because that’s just how things were. She loved drama then and his middle daughter was and is worse. I didn’t want any part of that, especially as we lived halfway across the country from his kids, whom he missed terribly.
So before we got married, we made an agreement. I would not interfere with this family or ever object whenever he went to visit them. I welcomed them on the few occasions the kids made it out to see us, but I was always their father’s wife, not any kind of a mother figure. And, with a few hiccups, it’s worked out. Middle daughter does love to stir the pot but once the ex-wife figured out that I had no intention of intruding on her territory, over the years, it’s gone fairly smoothly. And I don’t have to hop a plane to a location that honestly, I don’t have any interest in visiting anyway! He goes, I stay home and enjoy my alone time.
Maybe that’s an arrangement you could consider, if you end up reconciling? But you may not want to reconcile and even more importantly at this point, as he has ended it, he may not want to. And you’d have to be honest with yourself that Bruce having a partially separate life from yours would be okay with you.
I’m sorry this has been clearly so painful for you. It sounds like it was just one of those things where expectations and hopes don’t meet up with reality, and as no one can force others to behave the way we would like, it ended up this way.
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy...just someone who found himself caught in an impossible situation. I hope in time things will become easier for you.
For what it’s worth, it sounds like Bruce had idealistic expectations and set expectations for you that you both wanted...but then the family dynamics were such that they couldn’t happen after all. He asked you to become a mother figure to “Joyce,” so you tried to do that and it may be that you succeeded too well, actually, and her actual mother became territorial about it all and put up walls and a moat around the original family and insisted everyone abide within them.
It’s quite possible Bruce didn’t know this would happen or he just hoped time would soften the situation to a point where everyone could get along. It wasn’t an unreasonable thought...it just didn’t turn out that way.
When I met my current husband he was two years’ divorced from his ex, with whom he had three grown children. I sensed that any appearance of my involvement with “her” kids was going to create all kinds of drama, because that’s just how things were. She loved drama then and his middle daughter was and is worse. I didn’t want any part of that, especially as we lived halfway across the country from his kids, whom he missed terribly.
So before we got married, we made an agreement. I would not interfere with this family or ever object whenever he went to visit them. I welcomed them on the few occasions the kids made it out to see us, but I was always their father’s wife, not any kind of a mother figure. And, with a few hiccups, it’s worked out. Middle daughter does love to stir the pot but once the ex-wife figured out that I had no intention of intruding on her territory, over the years, it’s gone fairly smoothly. And I don’t have to hop a plane to a location that honestly, I don’t have any interest in visiting anyway! He goes, I stay home and enjoy my alone time.
Maybe that’s an arrangement you could consider, if you end up reconciling? But you may not want to reconcile and even more importantly at this point, as he has ended it, he may not want to. And you’d have to be honest with yourself that Bruce having a partially separate life from yours would be okay with you.
I’m sorry this has been clearly so painful for you. It sounds like it was just one of those things where expectations and hopes don’t meet up with reality, and as no one can force others to behave the way we would like, it ended up this way.
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy...just someone who found himself caught in an impossible situation. I hope in time things will become easier for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by KathyT 
I have, however, been struggling for about a year and a half with an Alanon issue and I can't seem to "let-go" of or resolve this conflict in my mind and heart.
One thing I often find a helpful reminder:
~ "Figure it Out" is not a slogan. ~
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