HopeUnending

So as you all know, I left a dangerous situation last week. I confided it to 2 friends at work one of which I'm staying with now. And now I feel like I'm having to walk on eggshells and defend myself for every feeling I have that doesn't reflect their feelings about my AH.

I'm struggling to make big decisions at the moment because my husband is planning to go to rehab and will be facing jail whenever he goes to court. I know that I will have a lease in two places at that point and a dog to care for if I get my own place now. I am considering staying at the home while he is gone to care for the dog and sort through stuff so I can move in my own place. That is what seems to be what everyone is getting on my case about. I get their concern and I have the same concerns.

I feel like I'm under so much pressure to say what everybody wants me to say and feel what everybody wants me to feel. Right now I don't know what I feel, as all of this has been very painful and I feel so broken right now.

Am I regressing when I feel so defensive over my friends telling me how I should feel or what I should do? Or am I still so under the control of the alcoholism that I'm not seeing that what they are saying is to help me not control me?

dandylion

HopeUnending,,,,,,,,I don't think you are regressing, In the real world, I think this is a common occurrence in situations similar to yours. Especially, if you are in close connection with those who have not had special training or education in how to relate. And....even when those persons are helping and have the very best of intentions.
I think it is somewhat "human nature" to feel very protective toward you and to see the person who has given you grief or unhappiness in less than a positive light.
It is, also, "human nature" of you to feel defensive when anyone casts dispersions on your husband---because it can feel like this is an indirect criticism of you. You know him better than they do and you will have a desire for them to view him in Exactly the same way that you do---with all the positives as well as his negatives. You may harbor the feeling that you are being disloyal to him. By not getting into a vigorous defense of him---you are NOT being disloyal. You are just doing your best to navigate your circumstances, right now.

I suggest that you try to steer the conversations involving the dynamics surrounding you and your husband away from that subject. You might even ask your friend to not talk about it, because it "upset you" to talk about it and prefer to talk about other things. It is best to have conversations about your specific planning with other people who aren't so immediately close to you. You can talk with those specially trained workers from the local domestic violence center (even if he has never been violent), with a counselor, your lawyer. or any other helping type people. You have us, also, who understand what you are going through.

trailmix

I agree that it's just human nature for people to want to steer you, in what they see, as the right direction. Doesn't mean you have to take anyone's advice. There is a saying "take what you like and leave the rest".

So if I'm understanding you correctly, your AH has now stated he will go to rehab, is this his way of trying to make things up to you? When does he go?

I'm also understanding that you would move back in to your place while he is away at rehab, which I'm guessing will be for a month or two? That sounds rather ideal. If their concern is that you would be moving back in with him, well, what do you make of that?

HopeUnending

This makes a lot of sense! I do think she was wanting to protect me from making a choice upon his guilt and my need to be codependent. She blurted out in this conversation or fussing at me rather that her abusive father (of which I was aware) was actually an alcoholic. So I think this was/is much more touchy for her than I initially knew.

As it would happen she tested positive for Covid today. Now I test tomorrow, meanwhile I'm quarantining in my room as much as possible. So I was able to avoid any husband talks with her for tonight. But really think those suggestions will help.

Yes you too are right I didn't feel it at the time but I can see where it was more to help me. But in my fragile state it was very triggering to the way I sometimes felt when AH would force me into doing what he wanted against my willingness just to appease him.

AH told his mom first about rehab then also myself yesterday when we went to get some more things I didn't pack. He seemed more genuine than ever before. I'm not sure his motivation- To get me back? To look better in court? Because he's reached his bottom? I honestly don't know for sure. Time will tell. He was detoxing pretty bad still so it's in his hands to arrange it when/if he chooses. He had not initiated the process at that time.

That's correct my intentions are to stay at home while he's gone. But hopefully have a new place, if not then a temporary place to stay when he gets out. Though he said too he will go to sober living afterwards assuming court can be continued long enough. Court will almost definitely result in significant jail time this time.

I have no plans to live with him anytime in the near future if ever. To live with him it would take a significant time (year or years?) of sobriety work in a program, both of us desiring reconciliation still, and marriage counseling to sort out the issues alcohol wasn't the cause of. Then it might be something possible. But it's so distant in the future, so many variables, I can't visualize how this would look so early in this.

trailmix

This makes so much sense. You know though, none of us like being pushed (well I sure don't) and it tends to make us want to push back, which I think is normal.

I'm sure you are going to make a good decision for yourself here.

Ariesagain

You’ve received excellent advice, so all I’m going to offer is a virtual hug.

HopeUnending

Thank you Aries! Hugs are always welcome and always greatly appreciated.

Sueby

I also hate when I feel like I’m being pushed or rushed towards someone else’s view of “right”. I feel cornered and usually make a rushed decision to shut someone up, and that doesn't that always work out so well lol.

Best of luck, sending strength and hugs your way,

PeacefulWater12

Oh goodness I very strongly relate about how you are feeling about other people telling you how you should feel or do.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

For this reason I only ever speak of my AH situation to people in similar situations or who are in recovery programs as these people know not to start TELLING other people how they should feel.