Hi, missed all of you
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Hi, missed all of you
I've been doing pretty good. My son and daughter in law had a baby yesterday.
Guess what I came here to say is that I need help in stopping to say I don't need help.
I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm good with that, already went through 2 cancers 21 years ago, but I developed this block in accepting help.
My ex was abusive, told me that I didn't know how to pay bills or take care of things myself. Well, I have been doing that. In fact, my credit score is over 800. I moved 2 times by myself. I renovated my last house by myself. I had contractors, but I handled things. I got so use to proving that I am capable, that I have a hard time accepting help.
I don't want to admit I'm weak. My adult children only started to talk to me again because they saw the strength in me. No, they will not see anything weak in me for accepting help, I've already turned down their help.
I have a neighbor across the street that I did need to ask for a ride once for a colonoscopy, that was only because they wouldn't let me out of the hospital without a ride. She is offering a lot of help now, and I'm having a really hard time accepting help. I talk to my radiology oncologist tomorrow about radiation, already talked about the chemo, Chemo will be a low dose.
What's wrong with me? Why do I keep saying no to help?
amy
Guess what I came here to say is that I need help in stopping to say I don't need help.
I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm good with that, already went through 2 cancers 21 years ago, but I developed this block in accepting help.
My ex was abusive, told me that I didn't know how to pay bills or take care of things myself. Well, I have been doing that. In fact, my credit score is over 800. I moved 2 times by myself. I renovated my last house by myself. I had contractors, but I handled things. I got so use to proving that I am capable, that I have a hard time accepting help.
I don't want to admit I'm weak. My adult children only started to talk to me again because they saw the strength in me. No, they will not see anything weak in me for accepting help, I've already turned down their help.
I have a neighbor across the street that I did need to ask for a ride once for a colonoscopy, that was only because they wouldn't let me out of the hospital without a ride. She is offering a lot of help now, and I'm having a really hard time accepting help. I talk to my radiology oncologist tomorrow about radiation, already talked about the chemo, Chemo will be a low dose.
What's wrong with me? Why do I keep saying no to help?
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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Pia Mellody wrote a great book called “Facing Codependence” which mentions a form of codependence some people call “anti-dependence.” Aka if at enough points in someone’s life, they internalized that it wasn’t safe to rely on anyone else for their needs/wants, and developed the subconscious idea that whenever possible it’s safer to only rely on themselves (and/or to not want or need anything if at all possible). If that feels like you can relate to it, then you’re definitely not alone!
But you describe a life you’ve made for yourself that’s a lot safer than maybe what you’ve known before. A life where you can trust supportive people and loved ones in your life to be there for you! The author suggests a healthy form of interaction for humans is “interdependence,” where we can help each other and be reliable for each other when it is reasonable, as well as ask for and accept help when it is reasonable. Are there ways you could practice giving yourself permission to ask for help or support? Maybe start with small things that are easy for friends/family to help you with?
But you describe a life you’ve made for yourself that’s a lot safer than maybe what you’ve known before. A life where you can trust supportive people and loved ones in your life to be there for you! The author suggests a healthy form of interaction for humans is “interdependence,” where we can help each other and be reliable for each other when it is reasonable, as well as ask for and accept help when it is reasonable. Are there ways you could practice giving yourself permission to ask for help or support? Maybe start with small things that are easy for friends/family to help you with?
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Hi Amy, good to see you! I hope you are doing well and that you make a shining full recovery.
I know what you mean. You know and this is just kind of an example of something similar. I used to do this thing, whenever someone would say something nice to me. Like, hey your hair looks great - oh you should have seen it before! Have you lost weight? I doubt it! You know the kind of thing I mean. Well you know at some point I decided to stop doing that, someone was offering me something nice, the compliment and instead of just accepting it graciously I always had a put down for myself.
So I just stopped doing it. What do I say now? Thank you.
As you know, people like to help, you probably like to help people. It makes them feel good and it makes you (ultimately) feel better, because someone cared to do something kind for you and having help makes your load lighter.
So I suggest, just saying thank you, that would be a help. Just try it on, see how it feels, it will probably be a much better feeling than you anticipate (but hey, if it's not, you can always go back to saying no!).
I know what you mean. You know and this is just kind of an example of something similar. I used to do this thing, whenever someone would say something nice to me. Like, hey your hair looks great - oh you should have seen it before! Have you lost weight? I doubt it! You know the kind of thing I mean. Well you know at some point I decided to stop doing that, someone was offering me something nice, the compliment and instead of just accepting it graciously I always had a put down for myself.
So I just stopped doing it. What do I say now? Thank you.
As you know, people like to help, you probably like to help people. It makes them feel good and it makes you (ultimately) feel better, because someone cared to do something kind for you and having help makes your load lighter.
So I suggest, just saying thank you, that would be a help. Just try it on, see how it feels, it will probably be a much better feeling than you anticipate (but hey, if it's not, you can always go back to saying no!).
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Hi Amy! Congrats on the new grandbaby! That's exciting, we get to welcome a new niece or nephew this year too and looking forward to that.
Sorry to hear you have to battle cancer again. My current husband dealt with a round of chemo when we were first together, it was rough but worth it in the long run. Thinking positive thoughts for you and sending virtual hugs and strength your way.
I am like you, I don't like to ask for, nor accept help from others. I've always been that way. My mum said accepting my independent streak was one of the hardest thing she ever had to do as a mother. ( I don't think she was very good at accepting it at all!!! Her codependence with her need to fix and control everybody, prevents her acceptance of such things) My son is the same way as me... independent to a fault.. has been since he was a toddler. I can see where both he and I have suffered because of that trait...yet we kept on marching to that beat. I think some of us are just wired that way. For those of us (that for whatever reason) became codependent on top of that, I think it's a bit of a double whammy. Or rather, a LOT of a double whammy. (Perhaps even part of WHY we became codependent. I'm going to have to ponder that a bit...) I have my codependence in check these days, but my independent streak certainly still get's me in trouble. I'm in a lot of physical pain today because I insisted on doing yard chores I should have waited to have help with. That whole preschooler-like attitude of, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!", still runs deep inside me. *sigh*
I don't have any helpful suggestions, I just wanted you to know I do understand how you feel. Both in the not wanting to accept help but at the same time knowing that you should, because it's OK to need to lean on others sometimes. I do think Trailmix had a good way of approaching things, instead of finding reasons to decline when help is offered, simply try saying "thank you". Maybe after accepting offers of help, actually asking will become easier when it's needed.
Thanks for stopping by to give us an update on YOU! I've missed you around here, hope you decide to hang out for a while.
Sorry to hear you have to battle cancer again. My current husband dealt with a round of chemo when we were first together, it was rough but worth it in the long run. Thinking positive thoughts for you and sending virtual hugs and strength your way.
I am like you, I don't like to ask for, nor accept help from others. I've always been that way. My mum said accepting my independent streak was one of the hardest thing she ever had to do as a mother. ( I don't think she was very good at accepting it at all!!! Her codependence with her need to fix and control everybody, prevents her acceptance of such things) My son is the same way as me... independent to a fault.. has been since he was a toddler. I can see where both he and I have suffered because of that trait...yet we kept on marching to that beat. I think some of us are just wired that way. For those of us (that for whatever reason) became codependent on top of that, I think it's a bit of a double whammy. Or rather, a LOT of a double whammy. (Perhaps even part of WHY we became codependent. I'm going to have to ponder that a bit...) I have my codependence in check these days, but my independent streak certainly still get's me in trouble. I'm in a lot of physical pain today because I insisted on doing yard chores I should have waited to have help with. That whole preschooler-like attitude of, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!", still runs deep inside me. *sigh*
I don't have any helpful suggestions, I just wanted you to know I do understand how you feel. Both in the not wanting to accept help but at the same time knowing that you should, because it's OK to need to lean on others sometimes. I do think Trailmix had a good way of approaching things, instead of finding reasons to decline when help is offered, simply try saying "thank you". Maybe after accepting offers of help, actually asking will become easier when it's needed.
Thanks for stopping by to give us an update on YOU! I've missed you around here, hope you decide to hang out for a while.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by amy55 
My ex was abusive, told me that I didn't know how to pay bills or take care of things myself. Well, I have been doing that. In fact, my credit score is over 800. I moved 2 times by myself. I renovated my last house by myself. I had contractors, but I handled things. I got so use to proving that I am capable, that I have a hard time accepting help.
I don't want to admit I'm weak.
I don't want to admit I'm weak.
Your abusive ex made you feel that you couldn't take care of yourself, and that made you feel weak - you've proven that you can take care of yourself, and that you are strong! Asking for help is not weak, but it IS a form of self care.
Look at all you have accomplished! You can do this too.
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Hi, Amy55, good to “hear” from you. Delighted to hear about your new grandchild, but so sorry to hear you’re going through another round of cancer. That just sucks scissors and you have my sincere sympathy and a monster hug.
You and I are so much alike. Try googling “attachment disorders” and see if anything fits. I struggle with letting myself be that vulnerable with almost anyone...even my husband. My parents skirted along the edge of being truly abusive but I was judged on absolutely everything, especially social events, and as a result, I avoid interacting with most people because I’m afraid I’ll fail them. Or they’ll fail me. Or I’ll say the wrong thing and be haunted by it. Or I’ll be consumed by others’ needs. It’s why I stick to dogs, mostly.
So I get it. You may want to check with your healthcare providers because there are services available for people who don’t have “social resources.” They can help with rides to appointments, etc. It’s awkward as hell but it’s less awkward than feeling like you’re imposing on someone you’ll be running into again and when you’re sick, you do what makes you most comfortable. The hell with “I shoulds.”
Be well, my sister, and be gentle with yourself. You’re a survivor in so many ways and I have always admired that.
You and I are so much alike. Try googling “attachment disorders” and see if anything fits. I struggle with letting myself be that vulnerable with almost anyone...even my husband. My parents skirted along the edge of being truly abusive but I was judged on absolutely everything, especially social events, and as a result, I avoid interacting with most people because I’m afraid I’ll fail them. Or they’ll fail me. Or I’ll say the wrong thing and be haunted by it. Or I’ll be consumed by others’ needs. It’s why I stick to dogs, mostly.
So I get it. You may want to check with your healthcare providers because there are services available for people who don’t have “social resources.” They can help with rides to appointments, etc. It’s awkward as hell but it’s less awkward than feeling like you’re imposing on someone you’ll be running into again and when you’re sick, you do what makes you most comfortable. The hell with “I shoulds.”
Be well, my sister, and be gentle with yourself. You’re a survivor in so many ways and I have always admired that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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amy.....congratulations on your new grandchild! girl or boy? I am glad to hear from you, and, also sorry that you have this new health challenge to deal with.
I have known tons and tons of people that hate. hate. hate to ask for any help. I think it is more common than you might think.
I am wondering this----do you mind asking someone that you don't know very well as much as you hate asking those that you have close relationships with ....like family.
Do you see any difference, there.
For some people who have trust issues...it can be easier to ask for help through those who have a natural neutral stance. For example--through social workers who job it is to help you find the help you need...and to depend on those who have a "contractural" reason to help. Like, those who work for a maid service or the local high school kid who will take out the garbage or walk the dog or pick up your groceries from the local walmart pickup station. (you can now order all of your supplies and groceries to be delivered---who knew?).
Try not to future trip Too Much. Remember that fear is not necessarily fact.
I have known tons and tons of people that hate. hate. hate to ask for any help. I think it is more common than you might think.
I am wondering this----do you mind asking someone that you don't know very well as much as you hate asking those that you have close relationships with ....like family.
Do you see any difference, there.
For some people who have trust issues...it can be easier to ask for help through those who have a natural neutral stance. For example--through social workers who job it is to help you find the help you need...and to depend on those who have a "contractural" reason to help. Like, those who work for a maid service or the local high school kid who will take out the garbage or walk the dog or pick up your groceries from the local walmart pickup station. (you can now order all of your supplies and groceries to be delivered---who knew?).
Try not to future trip Too Much. Remember that fear is not necessarily fact.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hi Dandy, I have a new grandson. He was born Saturday night, and weighed 5 lbs. They are taking him home today. His name is Joseph Salvador. Middle name was daughter in laws fathers first name.
My problem with asking for help affects me more asking my family for help. I know how much I had to go through to show them that I can stand on my own. I had to be strong and acknowledge my shortcomings and vulnerabilities. I don't ever want to appear weak again to them. I think I wrote about it here that my son was asking me if I needed any help to do anything. I kept telling him NO. F & F here helped me to say OK to his offer of help. I'm somewhat stubborn.
I did ask a neighbor for the ride to the hospital, but that was only because I couldn't figure out a way out of that hospital without a ride home due to the anesthesia. I need to be able to accept help.
Found out today that I have stage 4 throat cancer.
My problem with asking for help affects me more asking my family for help. I know how much I had to go through to show them that I can stand on my own. I had to be strong and acknowledge my shortcomings and vulnerabilities. I don't ever want to appear weak again to them. I think I wrote about it here that my son was asking me if I needed any help to do anything. I kept telling him NO. F & F here helped me to say OK to his offer of help. I'm somewhat stubborn.
I did ask a neighbor for the ride to the hospital, but that was only because I couldn't figure out a way out of that hospital without a ride home due to the anesthesia. I need to be able to accept help.
Found out today that I have stage 4 throat cancer.
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amy......A boy...that is great! I am glad he is able to go home so soon.
Knowing you, I am presuming that you have arranged the best medical care. My husband's son in law had throat cancer and has been cured for over ten years, at this point.
Knowing you, I am presuming that you have arranged the best medical care. My husband's son in law had throat cancer and has been cured for over ten years, at this point.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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I am so sorry about your diagnosis. My mom is currently stage 4 metaplastic breast cancer. As the daughter, I can say it means so much to me when my mom lets me help! I know she doesn’t need my help, I know she’s incredibly strong, but I really WANT to be there for her in any way I can. In my dreams, I wish I could cure her, but since I can’t, helping is the next best thing. So maybe you can think of it almost as if you are doing your loved ones a kindness by letting them help you!
Or, like others have pointed out, remember how it makes you feel when you can help your loved ones. If you feel good, they probably do, too! In my opinion, there is nothing weak about supporting each other or being vulnerable with people who truly care about you
Or, like others have pointed out, remember how it makes you feel when you can help your loved ones. If you feel good, they probably do, too! In my opinion, there is nothing weak about supporting each other or being vulnerable with people who truly care about you
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Hi Amy, it's great to hear from you again. You were such an inspiration to me when I first found this forum, you starting over at 55. I loved reading about you fixing up your new house.
congrats on the baby and sending you strength for the next health journey.
I'm starting over at 50. A dear friend offered to buy me a place to live today. She wants to help me to get going again. My reaction? Ran home (to my temporary house sit) and cried my eyes out. Yes it can be very hard to accept help. I am asking myself what's in it for her? How does she benefit? And I am trying to put myself in her shoes and see it from her perspective. I'm hoping to find a new perspective, one where I can feel good about receiving.
Wishing you all the best Amy
congrats on the baby and sending you strength for the next health journey.
I'm starting over at 50. A dear friend offered to buy me a place to live today. She wants to help me to get going again. My reaction? Ran home (to my temporary house sit) and cried my eyes out. Yes it can be very hard to accept help. I am asking myself what's in it for her? How does she benefit? And I am trying to put myself in her shoes and see it from her perspective. I'm hoping to find a new perspective, one where I can feel good about receiving.
Wishing you all the best Amy
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Amaranth, that sounds terrific, and of course I remember you. I did sell that cabin that I lived in and was renovating, and moved closer to my son. When I left my ex I moved in with friends. They weren't there they bought it as there retirement home. I had the house to myself except for weekends for 2+ years. They wouldn't take a penny from me and whenever we went out, they wouldn't take my money, they paid. Friends are really awesome. Just know that this is your life now and it's yours to make it the way you want it to be. I am wishing you the best. You're terrific.
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Just wanted to post something funny and really weird that happened to me. I didn't want to tell my son what stage cancer I was because he has a new baby now that was born of 4/3/21. I was just telling him about my treatment plan and he came out with, I found your twitter account. He told me that he follows an expert on bioinformatics (in California) and was reading his timeline, and apparently this person retweeted my tweet. My tweet was about Stage 4 cancer. My son saw that and knew it was me. Do you think I gave it away by using my dogs name and showing her pic and also using 1255 (My month and year of birth) and he blurted out, that's my mom! Well anyway, he let me know, and told me that he will not be reading my tweets because that's my place to go and he saw all the support that I was receiving there. So anyway, my son found out from some guy in California that I had Stage 4 cancer. I've talked to many people and found that squamous cell carcinoma is one of the most treatable cancers.
PS - That is not the pic of my dog. I have a mini aussie.
PS - That is not the pic of my dog. I have a mini aussie.
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Originally Posted by Amaranth
Hi Amy, it's great to hear from you again. You were such an inspiration to me when I first found this forum, you starting over at 55. I loved reading about you fixing up your new house.
congrats on the baby and sending you strength for the next health journey.
I'm starting over at 50. A dear friend offered to buy me a place to live today. She wants to help me to get going again. My reaction? Ran home (to my temporary house sit) and cried my eyes out. Yes it can be very hard to accept help. I am asking myself what's in it for her? How does she benefit? And I am trying to put myself in her shoes and see it from her perspective. I'm hoping to find a new perspective, one where I can feel good about receiving.
Wishing you all the best Amy
congrats on the baby and sending you strength for the next health journey.
I'm starting over at 50. A dear friend offered to buy me a place to live today. She wants to help me to get going again. My reaction? Ran home (to my temporary house sit) and cried my eyes out. Yes it can be very hard to accept help. I am asking myself what's in it for her? How does she benefit? And I am trying to put myself in her shoes and see it from her perspective. I'm hoping to find a new perspective, one where I can feel good about receiving.
Wishing you all the best Amy
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Amy...I hope that you don't mind me saying that I am glad that you son accidently found out that it is classified as stage 4, because it will save you from trying to keep it a "secret" from him---which is an extra emotional burden that you don;t need. I am sure that he is glad to know the truth rather that go with a form of misinformation about it.
hmmm.....I suspect that the Universe is trying to help you.....
hmmm.....I suspect that the Universe is trying to help you.....
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I need a dental clearance for them to start radiation, that will be done next week. My teeth were horrible. 6 extractions on Tues, and Thurs is a double Dentist appt. I see the radiation oncologist on 5/12 to set dates for when they make a mask for me, that secures my face to the table for radiation, and I guess to start scheduling radiation and chemo. I've been doing a lot of pick up groceries, getting nutrition drinks, gatorade, pediolyte, oatmeal, puddings, yogurt, (not too many, need to watch expiration date), applesauce, cranberry juice, etc. I did accept help from my kids. My son came over this week to help me put a day bed together. It's in my living room so I can be with my dogs so they can wake me (if I'm that tired) to let them out.
My daughter will be driving me for the days that I have chemo and radiation the same day. The drama queen daughter has not called me even though she told my ex over 3 weeks ago that I have cancer. I'm actually OK with that, because I don't need to listen to her moaning and complaining anymore.
So, this is just an update, I'll update more when I know more.
amy
My daughter will be driving me for the days that I have chemo and radiation the same day. The drama queen daughter has not called me even though she told my ex over 3 weeks ago that I have cancer. I'm actually OK with that, because I don't need to listen to her moaning and complaining anymore.
So, this is just an update, I'll update more when I know more.
amy
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