Truth

Ok here is my situation. My ABF and I were together for a year and a half. we don't live together. He is a very high fuctioning alcoholic -so much so that i didn't realize how bad the problem was- i knew he shouldn't drink as much but i didn't realize how he doesn't know how to relieve his anxiety and depression without it. he has been in therapy for almost a year( i have been in therapy on and off for 14 years) and through his therapy realized that he had a problem and started AA about 60 days ago. My birthday was a few months ago- that was when he started taking antidepressants and anti anxiety medication right before he began to go to AA and is doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. I always knew he was a little selfish but it was never so much so that it interfered in our relationship. we barely ever fought and he is extremely funny and i think we click on all sorts of levels. On my birthday last year he made me a surprise party. This year i got nothing- literally nothing- not even a card. i have told him since then how much that bothered me but he hasn't rectified the situation. he has also started doing inconsiderate things like not calling when he says he will and not going out of his way to talk to me. i feel as if he is subconsciously pushing me away. For the last two months i have been really emotional and crying all the time because now i am seeing his selfish side. our time together became all about him and his needs. I started going to al anon and coda. i told him two weekends ago that we needed a break from speaking because i was so upset and i thought that he should work on his stuff and i should work on mine. he is supposed to call me sometime this week but i don't know when. I have finally stopped crying so often and i feel slightly calmer. However i still don't feel good and i miss the way things used to be with us. when i had talked to him about it he seemed to say things like ,"well i'm an alcoholic" and " alcoholics are selfish." it is so frustrating that he won't take responsibility for his actions. i know he is capable of all these good behaviors but he won't do them even though i have told him what i need. I am trying to decide if i should just walk away from him to let him figure all this stuff out, or is that really selfish and unsupportive of me. he has told me that " he is not sure if he should be in a relationship but AA tells him no major changes in the first year." i feel like he is letting AA dictate every aspect of his life. He is questioning everything he has ever done since he's been drinking. He questions himself and i think he may not feel like he deserves a relationship right now cause he is feeling so bad about himself. I know no one can decide this for me but i am trying to decide how long to wait around to see if things change now that he is seeking help for his problem. i mean he is getting help but where do i draw the line and take care of myself. since our break i have been focusing on myself and going out with all my friends but i still feel like i miss him greatly. i really do love him and i think we can work on whatever issues that we have had. anyway just had to get that out of my head. thanks for reading. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

Truth

I forgot to add that 6 months ago he lost his job and became very needy and i totally took care of him and that is why i am going to CODA cause i think i liked the neediness a little too much.

Momamy3

there is really no "magic time period" that will tell us one way or another. Usually the beginning of a change is very confusing. We are forced to search ourselves a lot and probably will doubt a lot of what we are going through. It may be that AA is dictating a lot of his actions, but in time, he will be able to figure out what he needs to do for himself.

I think you really need to just take care of you like you have been doing. Don't worry about the relationship at all. If it is meant to be, it will come around in the right time. If it is not, you will know in time. In the meantime spend time with your friends, use your time introspecting and getting to know YOU.

Cando

I agree. Take care of yourself. Both of your are changing and that will change your relationship. Time will tell if there is something deeper there.

SJW

I wonder if all alcoholics were selfish people before they started drinking. My sister was extremely selfish as a child and as an adult, even before she started drinking. She's now been sober for a few years, and everything is still about her first - even at the expense of her kids. So with her, selfishness was already there.

I have another friend that is a recovering alcoholic and she, too, seems to always think of herself first and foremost. She's nice and everything, but I have noticed that she looks out for herself first. I didn't know her before she drank, so don't know if she was selfish first.

And if alcoholics make excuses for themselves by saying "alcoholics are selfish," I don't think that's okay! Isn't that a personality defect they should be working on in their 12 steps? And do they ever?

Yikes!

SJW

minnie

Truth

I have recently decided to separate from my B/f. The main reason was because as I got healthier, I realised that our relationship was all about HIM and always had been. Everything revolved around getting his needs met, whether alcoholic or emotional. A lot of this was very subtle and manipulating and it's only through al-anon and counselling that I can look back with 20/20 vision.

I simply decided that it was time for ME.

equus

Truth,

I think you and he are in the middle of an emotional whirlwind!! You said he's just started taking AD's and anti anxiety drugs at the same time as begining AA, that's a lot to take on and he seems to be putting in effort to get well.

I couldn't say anything about him as a person but with alcoholism, anxiety and depression it doesn't surprise me he's giving you the impression of low self esteem. Have you found any info on dual diagnosis (alcoholism + mental health problems)?

The only advice I would give is to learn about the depression and anxiety as well as the drinking (you may well be doing that).

This might sound nuts but if my husband's very depressed I could swear he likes being told he's selfish - it agrees with his own opinion and 'proves' he's right to think he's worthless. I'm very careful to keep arguments about the THING that's bothering me rather than him as a person. If he's forgotten something, I keep all the discussion on why forgetting it mattered to me. He's the one turning it to him being lazy or selfish (he never tries to excuse it though) but I keep bringing it back to the 'THING' I want to discuss. The other thing I find so helpful is to offer reassurance - I WON'T lie to do this I won't say something that isn't true but where I see something good, I tell him, if I see he's trying I tell him, when I'm glad he's there I tell him.

I hope something of that helped?

Magichappens

This statement struck me, because it was my MO for a long, long time. I tried to get all my needs met in my primary relationship. I wanted a mother, a father, a lover, a friend, a teacher, a supporter, a saint, all tied up in one person. What I had to realize was that I was cheating myself. It was all or nothing, so I kept getting left with nothing.

Al-Anon gave me an opportunity to find some relationships that filled some of those needs, giving me the ability to accept the things Mr Magic had to offer. I didn't have to be so demanding, and found that what he does offer is very fulfilling in some areas. Those areas that he couldn't fill, others have. Today I don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I can accept what is offered, and not dwell on what isn't there.

Through working the steps, and examining myself, I found that I didn't even know what my needs were. I just expected one person to come along and fix me. Taking an honest look at myself showed me that many of those needs couldn't be filled by a husband, even if he wanted to. In making my amends, I had to start reaching out to others to help fill those voids, and quit demanding that one person fix me.

If you are truly working on you, you will find the answers to these delimas. But it takes time, honesty, and guidance. But continuing to look for answers in the same direction you always have is going to continue to give you the same results you've always gotten. Hugs, Magic

Truth

thank you everyone.
i guess i am feeling really frustrated and impatient right now- like i have to decide what to do about this relationship right now. i will continue going to CODA and/or al anon. I have started to work the first step but i guess it is going to be awhile before i feel the serenity i am searching for. I feel this rush to get healthy already. My father was depressed growing up and my mother doesn't deal with her own emotions well and is in denial about some stuff. They are both really self-absorbed and i get that is why i am attracted to somene who is selfish and depressed. i have often been depressed myself and i am trying not to let myself slip into any big depression right now. thanks for your support- any other insight that u have would be appreciated.

minnie

Truth

You don't have to decide now. Believe me, you will know when the time is right. I read this a lot on here and didn't really believe it. I though that I had to make all the decisions NOW or I was wasting my life. But, there came a point last week when I realised that I had no more chances left in me and that I was strong enough to take my destiny in my own hands. It felt right. I don't think it would have done had I made the same decision a couple of months ago.

Just stay in the day and concentrate on your recovery. It's a journey, not a destination.

Love

Minnie
xxx

pmaslan

Magichappens
Wow it's as if you were reading my mind. I have felt that way for a long time. I am just starting to get it though. Hopefully, thru AL-Anon and this board I will finally put it all into practice. Thanks for the enlightenment.
Patty

Chy

From the alcholics perspective, I know I was pretty selfish when active. But ya know what, I was still selfish (in a better way) when I got sober. I never wanted to drink again, so I poured myself into my recovery. Often you'll hear it be told to the A recovery first, above all else. Unfortunatly, family members and loved ones, feel they are no better off because though mom or dad or bf or gf is sober, they isolate in a different kind of way.

It's quite possible he's a different person alltogether, and that's something you'll have to accept or decide on, but it's most probable, he's working on himself, 100% so that down the road he can be the person he wants to be, as well as the person you'd like him to be, if that makes any kind of sense. I'd say the first 3 months are highly intensive, emotional, and major indecision takes place not to mention his meds leveling off with his sober brain. I'm sure neglecting your birthday was an oversight, and he hasn't done anything significant about it because he's in "self survival" mode. Again, you have the brunt of waiting this period out, but I'd be betting that's what is going on.