Where I am today
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Where I am today
Yesterday, I had a very intense realization of powerlessness. My mother has been battling stage 4 cancer for a while now, and while we’re still pursuing curative treatment, it’s likely we’re just looking at a matter of time. Yesterday was a day of processing my mother’s mortality, and asking myself, deep down, what I needed in my life to continue finding meaning, peace, and joy with this possible loss.
And what I saw when I looked inside, were the walks I take with my husband under trees, nights watching our favorite shows, and coming home to him after a long day of pursuing our dreams, and the deep breath and feeling of relaxation we had with each other. The feeling of home. And this made me heartbroken all over again, and had me feeling so powerless, because that same husband is an addict who is using again and is struggling and has asked to split up.
When I first started dating my husband he was very upfront about his battle with addiction, his recovery, and his past traumas. I was hesitant to have a relationship with him, but time after time he proved himself to be a good partner for me. Reliable, trustworthy, communicative, and someone with whom I grew into a better version of myself. I became braver about my career dreams, tried new skills and passions, and grew into a responsible adult woman I am proud to be. He also grew in love and responsibility, worked hard to make himself and his family proud. After three years we got married. We were thrown some unlucky turns, but time and again we showed up for each other. We also had some great times.
Then, roughly a year ago he left NA and reintroduced marijuana “in moderation.” Events happened during COVID that triggered a relapse into active PTSD, and suicidal depression. We tried to actively manage it with therapy, doctor visits, support, time away from work—hardships happen, and we both wanted to get through this. In the span of six months, he added alcohol and more substances, got more erratic, and then started to push people away, but I didn’t know it at the time. He made it “about” all these other issues, and I believed him. It was his trauma. It was his sexuality (related to his trauma). It was responsibilities in life. It was everyone else and not him. He started to “bait” me and other loved ones so we would be the ones to walk away. He started to be hypomanic, and compulsively talk about recreating all the circumstances of his trauma, but “doing it right this time.” When I didn’t leave fast enough, he ultimately tearfully told me “he needed to go his own way, but he didn’t want to lose me.” Maybe when he was ready to be a husband again we could reconcile, but he had to “do this.” But he couldn’t even tell me what “this” actually was.
The past few weeks have been wild, unlike anything I’ve known. I’ve been angry and resentful, hurt and self-pitying, exhausted, traumatized, calm, you name it! I married a man who never would have done any of this, who loved himself and his recovery, and who (for better or for worse) loved me more than he’d loved anyone in his life and never, EVER wanted to hurt me. My family saw the same man. And perhaps hardest of all, I still see glimpses of the same man in my husband, but it feels like I’m watching the gladiator battle of a lifetime as I watch him battle himself and his addiction.
This all leads me to where I am today. And it won’t be where I am tomorrow, or next month, or where I was yesterday. But as of today, this is what I need to tell myself. Saving myself is the only chance I have of helping my relationship and my husband. It may not save him, but the alternative DEFINITELY won’t, and will mean that I’m also a casualty of his war. I’m not ready to say goodbye, or to give up hope, or accept, and that’s okay. This is enough for today. That I’m ready to save myself is enough. Whatever is next will come next.
There’s a tarot card, The Devil, that represents addiction. It’s usually depicted with a shriveled looking monster ruling over humans chained below him—the addicted. And those humans are often depicted stepping over dead bodies below them. Their loved ones, the ones trampled in pursuit of the addiction. My aunt said to imagine getting myself out of these chains first. Because I am no use to anyone, especially my husband, trampled underneath or chained to him the way he’s chained to addiction. But out from underneath that devil, maybe I can call to him, maybe I can offer a hand to pull him out that he can choose to take. But I won’t know until I get out and get healthy first.
Thank you to anyone reading this, I hope for happier days for all of us here.
And what I saw when I looked inside, were the walks I take with my husband under trees, nights watching our favorite shows, and coming home to him after a long day of pursuing our dreams, and the deep breath and feeling of relaxation we had with each other. The feeling of home. And this made me heartbroken all over again, and had me feeling so powerless, because that same husband is an addict who is using again and is struggling and has asked to split up.
When I first started dating my husband he was very upfront about his battle with addiction, his recovery, and his past traumas. I was hesitant to have a relationship with him, but time after time he proved himself to be a good partner for me. Reliable, trustworthy, communicative, and someone with whom I grew into a better version of myself. I became braver about my career dreams, tried new skills and passions, and grew into a responsible adult woman I am proud to be. He also grew in love and responsibility, worked hard to make himself and his family proud. After three years we got married. We were thrown some unlucky turns, but time and again we showed up for each other. We also had some great times.
Then, roughly a year ago he left NA and reintroduced marijuana “in moderation.” Events happened during COVID that triggered a relapse into active PTSD, and suicidal depression. We tried to actively manage it with therapy, doctor visits, support, time away from work—hardships happen, and we both wanted to get through this. In the span of six months, he added alcohol and more substances, got more erratic, and then started to push people away, but I didn’t know it at the time. He made it “about” all these other issues, and I believed him. It was his trauma. It was his sexuality (related to his trauma). It was responsibilities in life. It was everyone else and not him. He started to “bait” me and other loved ones so we would be the ones to walk away. He started to be hypomanic, and compulsively talk about recreating all the circumstances of his trauma, but “doing it right this time.” When I didn’t leave fast enough, he ultimately tearfully told me “he needed to go his own way, but he didn’t want to lose me.” Maybe when he was ready to be a husband again we could reconcile, but he had to “do this.” But he couldn’t even tell me what “this” actually was.
The past few weeks have been wild, unlike anything I’ve known. I’ve been angry and resentful, hurt and self-pitying, exhausted, traumatized, calm, you name it! I married a man who never would have done any of this, who loved himself and his recovery, and who (for better or for worse) loved me more than he’d loved anyone in his life and never, EVER wanted to hurt me. My family saw the same man. And perhaps hardest of all, I still see glimpses of the same man in my husband, but it feels like I’m watching the gladiator battle of a lifetime as I watch him battle himself and his addiction.
This all leads me to where I am today. And it won’t be where I am tomorrow, or next month, or where I was yesterday. But as of today, this is what I need to tell myself. Saving myself is the only chance I have of helping my relationship and my husband. It may not save him, but the alternative DEFINITELY won’t, and will mean that I’m also a casualty of his war. I’m not ready to say goodbye, or to give up hope, or accept, and that’s okay. This is enough for today. That I’m ready to save myself is enough. Whatever is next will come next.
There’s a tarot card, The Devil, that represents addiction. It’s usually depicted with a shriveled looking monster ruling over humans chained below him—the addicted. And those humans are often depicted stepping over dead bodies below them. Their loved ones, the ones trampled in pursuit of the addiction. My aunt said to imagine getting myself out of these chains first. Because I am no use to anyone, especially my husband, trampled underneath or chained to him the way he’s chained to addiction. But out from underneath that devil, maybe I can call to him, maybe I can offer a hand to pull him out that he can choose to take. But I won’t know until I get out and get healthy first.
Thank you to anyone reading this, I hope for happier days for all of us here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Thank you for the share. It is so painful to watch your loved one go down that road. It's great that you understand the need to look after yourself. I don't know if you have tried al-anon or Coda? For me, they are life savers
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Yes! I just started Nar-anon and I’m also looking at Friends & Family with SMARTrecovery. I also have a therapist right now I really connect with. It makes such a difference. Thank you for the kind words, by the way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Edoering, it sounds like you have so much to deal with right now between your mom and your husband. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am happy to hear you are getting support for yourself and I hope you manage to find some peace in this incredibly painful situation. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Thank you Nd819!
Yesterday, I saw my husband for the first time in weeks since I went to my parents. I’m back at our apartment for work, and he was leaving to his mom’s. It was surreal. He acted like we were roommates getting ready to move out in the next month, not like I was his life partner for the past 6 years. It made me sick, honestly. But a friend reminded me that avoidance is a pretty common tactic, and once he was gone, I found ways to recenter myself. And I realized while I am still heartbroken without the man he chose to be in our past, I wasn’t heartbroken about the man who walked out the door of our apartment yesterday.
Maybe someday he will choose to be the clean, reliable, creative, supportive man I know deep down he wants to be. In the meantime, it’s important to me that I still be able to communicate openly and honestly with him even if he can’t be honest back. And I tried that yesterday by telling him how I felt about the roommate attitude—not to change his behavior, but just so I could speak up for myself.
Yesterday, I saw my husband for the first time in weeks since I went to my parents. I’m back at our apartment for work, and he was leaving to his mom’s. It was surreal. He acted like we were roommates getting ready to move out in the next month, not like I was his life partner for the past 6 years. It made me sick, honestly. But a friend reminded me that avoidance is a pretty common tactic, and once he was gone, I found ways to recenter myself. And I realized while I am still heartbroken without the man he chose to be in our past, I wasn’t heartbroken about the man who walked out the door of our apartment yesterday.
Maybe someday he will choose to be the clean, reliable, creative, supportive man I know deep down he wants to be. In the meantime, it’s important to me that I still be able to communicate openly and honestly with him even if he can’t be honest back. And I tried that yesterday by telling him how I felt about the roommate attitude—not to change his behavior, but just so I could speak up for myself.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Small heartbreaks continue!
So, I’m doing much MUCH better, but I did want to share a quick vent with people who get it.
After MONTHS of depression, him telling me how much he hated his job, how badly he wanted to move states, and my helping him with all those things culminating in his sudden ask for a divorce, he texts me the other day that “he’s actually excited to be going back to work, and may even go back a few weeks earlier than his FMLA max.” At first, this hurt so badly as it felt like all these promises that his misery wasn’t about me and he still loved me, blah blah blah, were lies. That he’s putting me through all of this ******** for basically no significant changes in his own life.
But I took a deep breath and remembered, ever since he started using again, it’s all been lies. Denial lies, lies he believes whole-heartedly, never an intentional lie, but never the real truth. And especially right now he’s fixated on proving how good he’s doing to me, to prove that I’m wrong about his drugs and alcohol. So of course he wants to tell me how great his job stuff is going, no matter what the truth is.
He’s just being such a dick and he’s trying so hard to believe he’s being such a good guy.
After MONTHS of depression, him telling me how much he hated his job, how badly he wanted to move states, and my helping him with all those things culminating in his sudden ask for a divorce, he texts me the other day that “he’s actually excited to be going back to work, and may even go back a few weeks earlier than his FMLA max.” At first, this hurt so badly as it felt like all these promises that his misery wasn’t about me and he still loved me, blah blah blah, were lies. That he’s putting me through all of this ******** for basically no significant changes in his own life.
But I took a deep breath and remembered, ever since he started using again, it’s all been lies. Denial lies, lies he believes whole-heartedly, never an intentional lie, but never the real truth. And especially right now he’s fixated on proving how good he’s doing to me, to prove that I’m wrong about his drugs and alcohol. So of course he wants to tell me how great his job stuff is going, no matter what the truth is.
He’s just being such a dick and he’s trying so hard to believe he’s being such a good guy.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
odering....of course it hurts, still. How could it not. Someone recently wrote something on this forum that really stuck with me---to the effect of----"When you give of yourself, there is always the risk that you may got get the same returned, in kind".
At least you know it is not about you---it is about him and his inner turmoil. You know that he is running toward the edge of a cliff that he doesn't even know that is there. Yet.
At least you know it is not about you---it is about him and his inner turmoil. You know that he is running toward the edge of a cliff that he doesn't even know that is there. Yet.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Maybe the title should be - I can see it all now. You, although still hurting (which is normal) can see this manipulation now. As you said, he may not even know he's lying, this may well be his world. One tool that might be helpful is to refer to "his world" by name. Like if his name is Alex, you might think, things are great in Alex land.
Remembering that addiction is selfish, he may not be trying so hard to show you and others that he is such a good guy, he might just be trying to prove that to himself. A facade. Now, that doesn't really help you at all, just that again, it's probably not personal.
Remembering that addiction is selfish, he may not be trying so hard to show you and others that he is such a good guy, he might just be trying to prove that to himself. A facade. Now, that doesn't really help you at all, just that again, it's probably not personal.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
One tool that might be helpful is to refer to "his world" by name. Like if his name is Alex, you might think, things are great in Alex land
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