Does AH have rehab romance?

Old 03-27-2021, 09:22 AM
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Does AH have rehab romance?

I'm new to this forum. I read through a bunch of old posts on this subject and wanted to hear your thoughts.
My AH got out of his first rehab 1 week ago after using and trying to get clean on his own. The day he got home he said he met a lot of awesome people and plans to keep in touch with them. From the day he got home he's kept his phone attached to him, when he's sitting next to me texting he would keep it tilted away so I couldn't see the screen. He said that he talks about issues with the people he met in rehab that are private. I respected that and didn't push it.

When he was in active use and before I started naranon I would constantly check his phone and call/message log to try to figure out what was going on. I stopped doing that but of course returned to insanity... the first day he left the house on his own I checked the call/message log only looking to see if he was reaching out to dealers. I found that he's been texting with one number much more than any other numbers, and sometimes through the night and in the early morning. This made me start to analyze things, I feel like he's acting differently towards me.
One day he showed me a message and I saw it was from the number he's always texting. He tells me that it's girl X from rehab. A few days later he asks me to help him find his phone list from rehab, I do, and I notice that the number he's always texting is not the person he said.
So deeper into insanity I go... I went on his social media and found the girl who he's in constant communication with.
Later that day I decided to try to look in his phone, passcode used to be my birthday but now it's not. He says he changed it because I shouldn't have access to look in his phone. That he's having private discussions about his feelings and messed up things he's done and his new friends and needs to be able to freely express himself.
So I continue trying to figure out his passcode. I'm convinced he's at least got an emotional relationship with this girl. So I go back on facebook, find out her birthday, put it in for the passcode and his phone unlocks. My heart sank. My plan was to look in the text messages but he was in the room and saw me with his phone and I couldn't hide my feelings of anger/disgust/ sadness. I lost it on him.
He's telling me I'm crazy and that he only put her birthday because he thought I wouldn't guess it and that is know any of his other passcodes. That I'm the only one for him and he loves me and only wants to be with me.

There's more to it, little things here and there that gave me this gut feeling. I know I should trust my gut but the other half of me is thinking that I can't give up because if he really is only speaking with her for support for the both of them, then I don't want to throw our relationship away.

I'm at a loss for what to do. A huge part of me wants to continue to do what I know is insane and try to see what their communication has been. A sliver of me says walk away. And part of me says trust him and don't feed into the insanity. Any advice or thoughts?
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Old 03-27-2021, 09:56 AM
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In my opinion there are a couple of things going on here: one is that you don't trust your husband, and frankly if he's just gotten out of his first rehab stint I can only imagine that he's given you plenty of reason not to trust him in the past. Trust is something that must be earned. While I don't believe you have any right to the contents of his phone, he certainly does not seem to be behaving as someone who wishes to earn your trust, or who, at this point, deserves it.

The other thing is that you are obsessively attempting to control his behavior in an effort to make yourself comfortable, to validate things your instinct is telling you but which you don't want to believe. That is your codependence and as soothing as you imagine it will be to have answers, until you learn to validate and trust yourself, there will not be enough answers in the world to give you peace.

One option you don't list for yourself is "don't feed into the insanity and just take care of myself until more is revealed." I certainly wouldn't blindly put trust into someone who hasn't earned it, but I would very carefully pay attention to whether or not his actions match the words he is telling you about you being the only one for him, that he loves you and only wants to be with you.
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Old 03-27-2021, 10:04 AM
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Needpeace.......if I were in your same shoes, I would be inclined to give him his space. If it is the cae that there is a romantic relationship between them, it will reveal itself if you give it some more time and space. Lol....he isn't incredibly clever at it, if he actually used Her birthday. This is under the theory that, given enough rope, they will hang themselves.
The more you act suspicious and play detective, the more he will try to "hide" it.
If it is only mutual support.....then, nothing is lost. If it is some sort of rehab romance---those relationships almost always self-implode...and, tend to be accompanied by relapse when they do self implode.

Does he devote any time to a program...like AA? Does he have any time with a sponsor?
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Old 03-27-2021, 10:27 AM
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Needpeace6, I think the advice you have been given is very wise. Thing is, whether he is in true recovery and speaking to this woman only as a friend and fellow recover-ee, or whether there is something else going on, it's still inappropriate.

Pretend he wasn't an alcoholic, under what circumstances would it be ok for a married man to be texting another woman days, nights, middle of the night? That would be pretty much never.

Just because he is attempting recovery doesn't mean it now becomes appropriate, there are millions of recovering male alcoholics in the rooms of AA that I'm sure he could connect with. He could seek out an AA sponsor for himself, perhaps he could get a therapist.

Now, of course you are not his instructor and you can't actually tell him what to do, however you can make your feelings known and ask him to stop. He either will or he won't, that's up to him. All you have to decide is what you are prepared to do if he says no.

That's a boundary, for you, not for him. If he says no, I need to talk to her, then what, what do you do? Are you prepared to leave the relationship, to ask him to leave the house. That's pretty much where this sits right now, with you making that decision for yourself.

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Old 03-27-2021, 12:23 PM
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Thank you all for the advice!
I know I've returned to the obsessive insanity. I know I can't control him and need to think about what I need and what's best for me. It was so easy to fall back into that obsessive codependent behavior.
He has broken my trust in the past, never cheating on me with another woman, but with using.
I'm just struggling with that right now. I think I'm going to try to focus on myself while seeing how this plays out. Try not to play detective. I'm not ready to give up and leave him. I definitely need to figure out my boundaries and figure out if I can let go of resentments and build trust again.
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Old 03-27-2021, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Needpeace6 View Post
and figure out if I can let go of resentments and build trust again.
Trust is a two way street in a relationship generally. As SK mentioned, it's something that's earned. How is he going about earning that trust?

So far the only facts you know (which you have spoken about here) are

- that he changed his password on his phone to another woman's birthdate and
- That he lied to you. "He tells me that it's girl X from rehab. A few days later he asks me to help him find his phone list from rehab, I do, and I notice that the number he's always texting is not the person he said".

Please, don't discount your feelings. That's kind of what I see in your reply above. That YOU will try to let go of resentments and YOU will try to build trust. It will have to be a joint effort, if there is one to be had.

It's tempting to try to just "fix" without looking out for yourself. I hope you will take time for yourself and to focus on what you want.

How long was your AH in rehab?





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Old 03-27-2021, 05:26 PM
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Needpeace.......just a reminder----whenever a person decides to leave a situation that is detrimental to them.....it is not "giving up"----it is "letting go" of something that is bad for them,
Try to think in those terms, because there is a big difference.
Again, as was just pointed out by trailmix, trust is a two way street. It takes a long time of trustworthy behaviors to earn back trust. Trust is literally one of the foundations of any kind of working relationship. It is sooo essential and yet it is so very fragile. It takes a long time to earn and it can be erased in a moment's time.
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Old 03-28-2021, 12:50 AM
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I realized I posted this under alcoholics but my AH (soon to be ex) is a heroin/ crack/ whatever he can get his hands on addict. All the advice still applies and I greatly appreciate it.
sorry for the mix up. Figured I'd wrap this up on this post...


So I did it again. I found out his password. I saw the messages. No proof that they have been physical but sending messages like "wish I was with you right now" and saying they have butterflies and planning dates. He didn't mention me once when telling her about his days (half of which were lies like telling her he's going to meetings.... which he's not and is another red flag) . I'm glad I was able to see it so I don't have to wonder. He's asleep right now. I'm waiting until morning so I can gather my thoughts and not explode and I'm ending the relationship. I don't think there's any way I could ever get past this. The drugs were one thing. This hurts.

I havent done therapy myself. Just naranon (which was great) but I'm going to need to therapy for sure for this one
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Old 03-28-2021, 04:37 AM
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No need to wrap up, my friend. There’s lots of support here, 24/7, from people who understand. Your husband’s drug if choice doesn’t matter so much.

I’m sorry you have been so deceived and disrespected by someone who is supposed to be a better partner to you. Sounds like he has swapped one addiction for another. If you feel you need to have this confrontation, okay, but keep your expectations in check around his response. And keep taking care of yourself. We’ll be here.
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Old 03-28-2021, 10:49 AM
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I am glad you have your answer. That was your gut feeling, which you did pay attention to ultimately and that's a good thing for you.

I'm very sorry you got hurt in all of this. That's going to hurt for a while but I'm also glad you are thinking of therapy as well, you need all the support you can get.

Yes, as SK said, you can absolutely keep coming back, lots of support for you here, the drug of choice is not important.

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Old 03-29-2021, 01:05 PM
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Needpeace,

Sorry to hear of this. Sounds like he is still lost in his selfishness. You don't deserve any of what he is bringing to the table. I have been where you are in some ways...I won't give you any advice here, as matters of the heart are not logical in the moment...but they do require it.
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Old 03-29-2021, 06:06 PM
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I too am very sorry you’re in this position, my heart hurts for you. I don’t have any advice to offer, other than take care of you 💕💕.


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Old 03-31-2021, 05:56 AM
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Thank you all so much for the support!! I'm waiting to hear back from therapists to get something scheduled. He's screwing with my head... telling me he only wants me and that there was never anything physical. That he'll go back to using and die if I leave him.
I've let him stay in the house because I do care about him and I don't want him to die. We are basically just roommates. I told him he needs to get a support system. He didn't do iop as recommended when discharged from rehab and only did a couple meetings over the last few days after I confronted him and asked him to do meetings. I know I shouldn't be doing any of this. I just can't live with myself kicking him out to have him od and die.
I wish I could shut off my emotions.
I hope that therapy helps me and I can really start to focus on myself and stop worrying about what happens to him.

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Old 03-31-2021, 06:28 AM
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Needpeace, you are not responsible for his using or not. I hope that therapy can help you accept that. This kind of emotional blackmail services neither of you. All it does is make his recovery dependent on you, and therefore his relapses will be as well. And they are not. His recovery or lack thereof is entirely his responsibility.

Sometimes loving someone means letting go so they can find their own way, even if that way isn't the way we would choose for them. Sometimes it means not having them in our lives because the relationship is unhealthy for both of you.

It's not about turning off your emotions so much as it is about accepting that he is an adult and fully capable to taking care of himself if he chooses to.
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Old 03-31-2021, 06:31 AM
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SparkleKitty you are so right! It's just so hard
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Old 03-31-2021, 09:53 AM
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Needpeace......I think seeing the therapist is a really good idea. I think it would be a good idea to print out Sparklekitty's post and read it frequently.
You can do this---and, support is soooo essential.
If you haven't read "Co-dependent No More".....please read it as soon as you can get hands on it. It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read. You can get a copy from amazon.com or through your local library.
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Old 03-31-2021, 10:27 AM
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Dandylion thank you for the reminder and advice!! I got codependent no more and started it but got side tracked with work/life and focused free time on naranon and the sesh book. I will definitely pick codependent no more back up tonight
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Old 03-31-2021, 05:47 PM
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It’s a great book and I learned a lot from it! Helped me with detaching which helped me with no contact strategies when he’s drinking. Take care of you!
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Old 04-02-2021, 12:10 PM
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How are you doing Needpeace? I hope you can detach from your AH and focus on yourself. Take that next right step for your own health and happiness. It can be super small.
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Old 05-13-2021, 12:27 AM
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I feel your pain right now. I just joined this page because I'm going through the exact same thing. I accidentally logged into my fiance/girlfriend's messages and found out she has been carrying on a romance and was kissing a guy there. Her texts got sexual in nature but didn't prove they actually did anything, just talk. She fessed up to kissing but then this guy's girlfriend (who's married) started texting my girlfriend to stay away from him. Yeah, real Jerry Springer stuff. She promised me it was just a kiss and they're just good friends with a connection, but I later found out the staff had to separate them because they were getting too close. Then I found out they both colluded to lie to me about his departure date and he's really still there. He actually called me to try to "smooth things over," and confessed they both came up with the story of him leaving so I'd feel better. The lies have been constant for about a week now and I'm an emotional wreck.

I'm not saying that's what's going on in your situation. But I know the anxiety and fear you're going through. I've been with this woman for four years and have put up with so much hoping she'd get healthy. She's there for 45 days and now has a "special friend." What is this, high school summer camp? When do these people come back to reality and to the people that actually love them?
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