Boundaries
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Boundaries
Where do I start?! I frequented this forum a few years ago and this forum and the advice I got here was a big reason I ended up filing for a divorce from my addict ex-husband. Words can't express how thankful I am for making that decision.
We share 3 boys, a 6 year old and 4 y/o twins. My ex was on supervised visitation for some time. Then unsupervised, and now hasn't seen the kids for several months. We have a court date in a month for visitation, child support because he moved 5 hours away a couple of years ago for a job and our current schedule isn't feasible.
When he was on supervised visits, his mom was the supervisor and bonded with my kids a lot. The twins were babies and she was the caretaker. After my ex moved away, I still let her see the boys. But I feel like anytime they were with her, my ex would come back with some issue or complaint or "my mom said the boys skin looks bad," or "my mom said son said ____.". I just felt like there was always something she would run and tell my ex and he would try to start an argument or complain about something.
I also moved away with the boys from where all of the grandparents live. My parents have the boys this week for spring break. Apparently my ex told his mom they were in town and she called me and called my mom. Neither of us answered but I am so irritated she would call my mom. My parents went out of their way to pick up their grandkids to spend time with them. And she wants to be able to see them bc they are in town. I feel like she needs to coordinate spending time with her grandkids when my ex has them. Why is it my responsibility to ensure she sees them? Why should my parents go out of their way so she can see them?
I am getting pretty good about having clear boundaries with my ex. But I don't know if I'm being too harsh with this. I think what irritates me is there is an expectation from my ex and his mom that I should let them know when the boys are in town so she can see them. And there is always something negative that comes back to me and I just don't have the tolerance for that in my life.
Should I be more kind about grandma seeing grandkids? Should I set a boundary that she should spend time with them when her son has visitation?
Sorry that was long winded. There's just so much that has happened, it's hard to summarize. Thanks for reading!
We share 3 boys, a 6 year old and 4 y/o twins. My ex was on supervised visitation for some time. Then unsupervised, and now hasn't seen the kids for several months. We have a court date in a month for visitation, child support because he moved 5 hours away a couple of years ago for a job and our current schedule isn't feasible.
When he was on supervised visits, his mom was the supervisor and bonded with my kids a lot. The twins were babies and she was the caretaker. After my ex moved away, I still let her see the boys. But I feel like anytime they were with her, my ex would come back with some issue or complaint or "my mom said the boys skin looks bad," or "my mom said son said ____.". I just felt like there was always something she would run and tell my ex and he would try to start an argument or complain about something.
I also moved away with the boys from where all of the grandparents live. My parents have the boys this week for spring break. Apparently my ex told his mom they were in town and she called me and called my mom. Neither of us answered but I am so irritated she would call my mom. My parents went out of their way to pick up their grandkids to spend time with them. And she wants to be able to see them bc they are in town. I feel like she needs to coordinate spending time with her grandkids when my ex has them. Why is it my responsibility to ensure she sees them? Why should my parents go out of their way so she can see them?
I am getting pretty good about having clear boundaries with my ex. But I don't know if I'm being too harsh with this. I think what irritates me is there is an expectation from my ex and his mom that I should let them know when the boys are in town so she can see them. And there is always something negative that comes back to me and I just don't have the tolerance for that in my life.
Should I be more kind about grandma seeing grandkids? Should I set a boundary that she should spend time with them when her son has visitation?
Sorry that was long winded. There's just so much that has happened, it's hard to summarize. Thanks for reading!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You have every right to feel how you feel, your children are being handled badly by your ex and his mother.
ALL arrangements to see your children should be made through you alone. It keeps it simple and saves others like you mother from having to get involved in visitation rules for the ex's side.
If your ex is paying child support regularly and on time, then that shows some responsibility but when he has them for visitation he needs to be there, not just his mother.
You are wise to think of setting some firm boundaries. Maybe make a list of what works for you and then ask you lawyer to review it for suggestions. Your children are not pawns, they have feelings and emotions and the stress should never be put on them.
God bless your parents for stepping up to the plate to be loving, caring grandparents.
Good luck, it's always tough to advocate for the best interests of children when addiction and/or divorce is part of the equation.
Hugs
ALL arrangements to see your children should be made through you alone. It keeps it simple and saves others like you mother from having to get involved in visitation rules for the ex's side.
If your ex is paying child support regularly and on time, then that shows some responsibility but when he has them for visitation he needs to be there, not just his mother.
You are wise to think of setting some firm boundaries. Maybe make a list of what works for you and then ask you lawyer to review it for suggestions. Your children are not pawns, they have feelings and emotions and the stress should never be put on them.
God bless your parents for stepping up to the plate to be loving, caring grandparents.
Good luck, it's always tough to advocate for the best interests of children when addiction and/or divorce is part of the equation.
Hugs
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