Loveblue

So my AH said "as my wife, all you have done is complain for the past 20 years".. then I stated that the only complaint I always have is that you drink wayyyy too much...then he replied "what is it about my drinking that causes you problems"??????? How on earth do you even answer that? Is it stupid to entertain the idea of wanting to answer that? I'm so frigging disgusted.

dandylion

Loveblue......actually, I think that it would be futile to even try to give an answer to that question. The fact that he even can ask such a blind question makes it clear that the two of you aren't even close to being on the same page----maybe, not even on the same planet.
He sees alcohol as the solution, while you see it as the problem.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Love Blue

Sorry you have this going on. I agree it is pointless to engage. An alcoholic needs to keep their denial intact so you trying to point out reality will just likely create him digging in further.

I would encourage you to look at what you want from life. I found the Al-anon program an enormous help to me. It helps us detach from the alcoholic behaviours and build our lives. All the best to you.

pizza67

Yes, they just don’t or won’t understand why it is unacceptable for a family to be forced to live with active alcoholism.

SparkleKitty

Loveblue--he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, and you do. Trying to win the argument is pointless.

Loveblue

Thank you all, I really needed these comments and perspectives for my sanity. This is getting to hard to deal with.

PeacefulWater12

I experienced this too. That is why it is a very good idea to get help from a specialist group or program who understand. Take care.

Tired1

I understand!!!! I was told I'm an angry, uncaring hateful person, but he couldn't think of anybody other then himself who I act that way to.

trailmix

You might find these articles interesting if you haven't seen them before: Excuses Alcoholics Make
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• I'm not hurting anybody but myself!

Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people, indignantly and self-righteously proclaims "It's MY life and I can do anything I please with it!" Curiously -and revealingly- the addict seldom finds anything incongruous in the notion that he might knowingly and willingly be harming himself, regardless of whether he is harming anyone else.
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• I'd be OK if it weren't for you!

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.

Bekindalways

Hey Loveblue, your AH sounds like a classic alcoholic. This is how they think and talk.

I suppose if you could have an alcoholic think clearly and put them on truth serum, they would probably say something along the lines of, "Drinking is the most important thing in the world to me. I want to keep drinking without anyone interfering.".

This would be their bare bones truth. Not what any of us want to hear but I do think it is good for us to understand this is probably how they are operating. Our job is to figure out, given this truth, what we want to do. We can stay knowing this is how they are and they will get worse or we can do something different that works better for us. Making this decision and acting on it is really really difficult.

Loveblue

Oh my gosh, soooooooo true. I think I am just so stuck in that really difficult place on making a decision either way. Thank you for your insight.
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Loveblue

it really is insane and honestly, I think I'm starting to obsess over his stupid comments and him complaining that I'm complaining about his drinking. I can't do crazy anymore...

PeacefulWater12

Sadly I think this is a common effect of being around the alcoholic behaviours of another person. I had to learn to detach and not be involved. Put my focus on me and my wellbeing.

Loveblue

At this point, I am so grateful and find tremendous comfort in knowing I am not alone. I too am stuck in this in-between stage of not knowing if I should/have to leave. I am leaning more towards leaving. I am going to create a new post on a recent happening.....ugh....i feel sick about it.