Nojack

I fell in love with a guy I new since childhood. 25 years later we reconnected and I thought he was the one. At 39 I never lived with a guy or married and he came in like a knight who became a nightmare. He lived in Maryland our hometown (and opened a restaurant which now because of covid it’s not doing so well but I think this also has to do with his severe drinking)and me in LA. I got caught up with this romance, he said everything I wanted to hear and ended up uprooting my life to join him. He was opening the restaurant at the time and going through a divorce but I thought love wins over all. I knew he drank but I did too. I didn’t think it was a big deal but it became a huge problem. His employees were really nasty to me and he never defended me and I felt so alone in the relationship that I started drinking a lot because it seemed like it was all he wanted to do was drink. So I joined him. The fights over his terrible business choices and lack of common sense were ruthless. I lost my mind because he would neglect me often, staying at the bar every night drinking and I felt like I was begging him to love me. I moved all this way for him and I believed in him and us but the deeper I got in a gave all of me and I would lash out at him while drunk sometimes violently because I was in a world of pain. He didn’t step back and go man what can I do to help this and show up for me like I did for him but he blamed me for everything. I stopped drinking and went to therapy hell bent on saving the relationship. I tired to get him help and get us help but he refused and would gaslight me and manipulate me regularly. I questioned my sanity and after one night of him wasted and debasing me in front of his employees I was done. He didn’t chase me or say he’d get help. I stopped drinking I was trying so hard but he decided before we were even officially broken up he moved in a sex worker divisive woman, who he gave keys to his business and who knew all about me but didn’t care and she just loved to take my place and he allowed it. I was devastated. I left with no money now at 41 living with my parents and feeling like a failure with 500 in my bank account. It’s been 5 months and now he’s gotten no help and still drinking with a new girlfriend who I’m sure he made me out to be a monster. It was a horribly toxic relationship and I’ve accepted that it’s over but what I want to know is why am I still so gutted over it. I left 6 months ago and it’s clearing away more and more but I still feel gutted sometimes. I have to rebuild my life again without him and I’m still in Maryland in my small hometown and people tell me updates on him which I told them to please not do that because it’s hurtful he refused to face himself and his demons and decided to keep drinking. I know he’s an alcoholic but he’s also extremely narcissistic I feel lied to and duped. I’m still just trying now to find my place. I moved into a house owned by my family and rebuilding myself slowly but it still hurts. I feel like he moved on with this woman with no regard for all I sacrificed. He didn’t even give me a phone call when we broke up and we were supposed to be lmarried last September. He did a lot of bad stuff emotionally he even wrote my family telling them I was a cocaine addict and I was the abuser and I’m mentally ill all because he wanted a watch back I thought he gave me. I’m sorry so long I just feel super confused and I’m not even a codependent person. I am not perfect I made mistakes and I’m just trying to take it as a lesson. I went to al anon and read the book and it all makes sense but it’s like I can’t even have a closure conversation with him and I still have this sad hope he’d stop drinking, get clarity and tell me how sorry he was but I know I can’t wait for that and that I just have to move on. Why when leaving an alcoholic narcissist is it so damn hard to move on?

dandylion

NoJack.....I am going to take your question of "Why is it so damn hard to move on"? as a rhetorical question.----actually a statement of---"It is so damn hard to move on".
You have suffered a great loss which went to your very core---it stripped your ego and self esteem. You invested everything that you had and you lost it all with not so much as a thank you or goodbye.
We grieve the losses that we suffer---we MUST. as there is no other choice. We are wired this way by Mother Nature. Grieving is the road to healing, and it takes as much time as it takes.
Actually, I would not expect you to be over it at just 6 months. I know that it took me longer than that. You will get past this and move into your own future when you are past the grieving.

By the way, grieving doesn't just happen when leaving an alcoholic (they all have narcissistic behaviors). There are many toxic relationships that don't even include alcoholism---and the grieving is pure hell after the break ups. You invested your all into the dream---and, this is the loss of the dream. It is the loss of a dream that cuts the deepest.

This "Dream" with him was just not to be. I am so sorry, because I know how much it hurts.
Yuu won't always feel this way. You are still young and have many years of life to enjoy that await you.

trailmix

Hi nojack. I'm so sorry this all turned out this way, but as you read around this forum you will see that it does happen, in particular with those addicted to any substance.

It's not surprising you still feel bad, six months isn't all that long when you think about the fact that you had a freight train run through your life. One minute you are at home, living a probably pretty normal, good life and the next you are in Maryland with an alcoholic, abusing you and running your self esteem in to the ground.

As for him "recovering" from alcoholism. That's not an unusual wish. I'm sure he has good points and it seems that if he stopped drinking maybe you would have seen more of those and less of the demons and things (might still) work out. Well, please keep in mind you have never known him as a sober person and honestly, he probably doesn't even know what that is anymore.

It's never a matter of just putting the alcohol and other drugs down, it's a process of getting sober and then getting in to real recovery (which can take years and which has to be attended to forever).

With that in mind, the absolute best thing is to focus on yourself and what you want. You say you have 500.00 in the bank - ok that's a start! I assume you are working now? Little by little, just keep doing the next best thing for yourself. It will hurt for a while but you will start to feel better as time goes by.

Also, perhaps try not to think very much about the "good times" because were they really? See him as he really is.

PeacefulWater12

Goodness me, what a whirlwind you went through.

I would encourage you to step back and give yourself top rate self care to recover.