Last straw
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
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Last straw
AH (who swears he is not an alcoholic) drove home tonight while impaired. Luckily, he did not get into an accident.
I'm not surprised that he's drinking again, but he'd quit for about 4 months, so I thought maybe he'd stay quit. He hasn't drove while impaired for probably 15 years though, and I thought he wouldn't...
But when he asked why I was so quiet, and I said I wasn't happy that he drove after drinking too much, he acted like it was no big deal and that I was over reacting. I could smell the alcohol on him from several paces away, and he was slurring his words a bit, but he thought he was fine to drive.
I don't trust him to never do it again; he's not even taking it seriously!
I'm trying to figure out where I can go that I can afford, and where I can keep my dogs. Everything for rent is so expensive, or won't let you have more than one dog.
I don't yet know what I'm going to do, but I can't stay.
Feeling heartsick.
I'm not surprised that he's drinking again, but he'd quit for about 4 months, so I thought maybe he'd stay quit. He hasn't drove while impaired for probably 15 years though, and I thought he wouldn't...
But when he asked why I was so quiet, and I said I wasn't happy that he drove after drinking too much, he acted like it was no big deal and that I was over reacting. I could smell the alcohol on him from several paces away, and he was slurring his words a bit, but he thought he was fine to drive.
I don't trust him to never do it again; he's not even taking it seriously!
I'm trying to figure out where I can go that I can afford, and where I can keep my dogs. Everything for rent is so expensive, or won't let you have more than one dog.
I don't yet know what I'm going to do, but I can't stay.
Feeling heartsick.
Hi Achnasheen, sorry you are going through rougher times again.
I know you bought a house when you moved closer to your family, is it possible for you to stay in your house and have him move? Not sure if it is financially viable for you. Short of that, would it be possible to sell the house and buy something smaller for yourself? Of course in order to sell it you would have to start a divorce if he won't budge, to force him to sell the house.
Sorry, I know it can be so complicated.
In the meantime, if he won't move, can you stay with family at all? Alternately is there anyone who can take your dogs while you have to rent?
You may have already examined all these possibilities, just thought I would throw them out there.
The bottom line is though, if you won't live with an alcoholic (or whatever he describes himself as) then you won't and however you have to achieve that, so that you are financially secure - any of those options is worth examining.
Doesn't really matter if he describes himself as an alcoholic or not, he has a drinking problem which you are not willing to have around you. It's kind of like someone who hammers on your roof all day but swears it's not a compulsion, just something he likes a lot! Doesn't matter what he calls it if it's ruining your peace of mind.
I know you bought a house when you moved closer to your family, is it possible for you to stay in your house and have him move? Not sure if it is financially viable for you. Short of that, would it be possible to sell the house and buy something smaller for yourself? Of course in order to sell it you would have to start a divorce if he won't budge, to force him to sell the house.
Sorry, I know it can be so complicated.
In the meantime, if he won't move, can you stay with family at all? Alternately is there anyone who can take your dogs while you have to rent?
You may have already examined all these possibilities, just thought I would throw them out there.
The bottom line is though, if you won't live with an alcoholic (or whatever he describes himself as) then you won't and however you have to achieve that, so that you are financially secure - any of those options is worth examining.
Doesn't really matter if he describes himself as an alcoholic or not, he has a drinking problem which you are not willing to have around you. It's kind of like someone who hammers on your roof all day but swears it's not a compulsion, just something he likes a lot! Doesn't matter what he calls it if it's ruining your peace of mind.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 51
Thank you Trailmix, I so appreciate your clarity!
I think I've been looking at it from a place of fear, because of when he threatened to shoot me. So I feel like I need to leave, so that I can be safe. But my counsellor believes that he "just" likes to scare me as a power and control thing.
I was thinking I would just walk away from the house, let him have it... but I really can't afford to do that - I need my share so I can buy something else. So we will need to sell the house, and it might be possible that the dogs and I can stay until it's sold and AH can go stay with his family. If not, then your suggestion of having someone take my dogs while I rent, is a very good idea.
I think I've been looking at it from a place of fear, because of when he threatened to shoot me. So I feel like I need to leave, so that I can be safe. But my counsellor believes that he "just" likes to scare me as a power and control thing.
I was thinking I would just walk away from the house, let him have it... but I really can't afford to do that - I need my share so I can buy something else. So we will need to sell the house, and it might be possible that the dogs and I can stay until it's sold and AH can go stay with his family. If not, then your suggestion of having someone take my dogs while I rent, is a very good idea.
I'm glad it helped! Yes, sometimes when we are in that place of fear/anxiety walking out the door and leaving everything behind seems like a good idea (heck in some cases it is!) but financially it would put you at a disadvantage.
You are doing great, thinking about doing the next right thing (for you). I hope you can find yourself a nice safe (and peaceful) place to live while this all gets sorted out.
You are doing great, thinking about doing the next right thing (for you). I hope you can find yourself a nice safe (and peaceful) place to live while this all gets sorted out.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Feeling frustrated, trying to not be angry at myself for coming back when I had left 5 years ago - if only I would have just kept going down the road! I talked to a good friend who's a mortgage broker, and I can't qualify for a mortgage until I've worked full time for another year at least, because I had only been working part time prior to us moving last summer. So I can't sell the house and buy something else just yet.
So I then reached out to my mom, and told her what's been happening, and asked for help. She told me I should just stick it out. I just want to cry every time I think of her words. I'm not mad at her, just heartbroken. She doesn't have her own place anymore, lives with family so can't offer me a place to live, but I hoped I could stay with them for a bit, or she'd maybe take one of the dogs...
My daughter has offered to help me with a place to live, but she lives in another country, so I have to wait for travel to be allowed, and then apply for a visa. Maybe a year from now? But, I could take my dogs there.
Trying to convince myself to give up my dogs to foster care so I can find a rental place ... I'm checking the rent boards daily - so many people looking, hardly anything to rent, everything horribly expensive. This option just makes me cry.
AH says he might go back to his old job this summer. He's had surgery, should be fit for work in a couple of months. I'm really hoping that he does go, because it would give me some peace and maybe be able to find a solution before he comes back.
So I then reached out to my mom, and told her what's been happening, and asked for help. She told me I should just stick it out. I just want to cry every time I think of her words. I'm not mad at her, just heartbroken. She doesn't have her own place anymore, lives with family so can't offer me a place to live, but I hoped I could stay with them for a bit, or she'd maybe take one of the dogs...
My daughter has offered to help me with a place to live, but she lives in another country, so I have to wait for travel to be allowed, and then apply for a visa. Maybe a year from now? But, I could take my dogs there.
Trying to convince myself to give up my dogs to foster care so I can find a rental place ... I'm checking the rent boards daily - so many people looking, hardly anything to rent, everything horribly expensive. This option just makes me cry.
AH says he might go back to his old job this summer. He's had surgery, should be fit for work in a couple of months. I'm really hoping that he does go, because it would give me some peace and maybe be able to find a solution before he comes back.
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I’m so sorry all of this is happening, but I want to say I am impressed with how you’re proactively looking to move forward. Good for you! Put the word out any way you can…yes, the housing market right now is bonkers, for sure, but maybe try the dog community a bit? Put up a sign at your vet’s office, if your location is opening back up now. You might try contacting your local women’s shelter or DV hotline to see if they know of anyone who temporarily fosters dogs for people in your situation.
I know it wouldn’t be ideal, given your mom’s attitude, but maybe try contacting the relatives she’s living with directly? Your mom may not have felt comfortable offering up housing in a home that isn’t hers, but they might be just fine with it.
I wish you a fast solution and send you my admiration and a hug.
I know it wouldn’t be ideal, given your mom’s attitude, but maybe try contacting the relatives she’s living with directly? Your mom may not have felt comfortable offering up housing in a home that isn’t hers, but they might be just fine with it.
I wish you a fast solution and send you my admiration and a hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I second how impressive it is that you're able to work out potential solutions while dealing with all your pain! Don't feel bad for giving things another try, we all want to be with the person we love and try to make things work out.
Wishing you some level of peace and sending you a giant hug 💞💞.
Wishing you some level of peace and sending you a giant hug 💞💞.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 51
I really appreciate the support and encouragement, and suggestions - thank you so much! There's not many people in my life who are supportive - AH is so charming, everyone likes him and sees me as the problem, because I have anxiety, so I must be just over reacting. He's a different person in public though, very few people have seen his abusive side. So to come here and have people who understand what I'm coping with... well, I'm just very grateful.
I'm going to see my mom at the end of the month, and will talk to her and also to her "roommate" and find out what their thoughts are.
I'm going to see my mom at the end of the month, and will talk to her and also to her "roommate" and find out what their thoughts are.
Hi Achnasheen! Day-to-day life with an active alcoholic is crazy-making stuff! People who don't live it never really understand.
Would it be possible for you to place your pups in foster care for a little while until you can get the rest sorted? Maybe their vet would have a recommendation.
Rents everywhere are spectacularly high right now, and I hope you find someplace that will work for you and your pups!
Would it be possible for you to place your pups in foster care for a little while until you can get the rest sorted? Maybe their vet would have a recommendation.
Rents everywhere are spectacularly high right now, and I hope you find someplace that will work for you and your pups!
Am I missing something, or did you say he threatened to shoot you?
I have only one word. LEAVE!
Am I also missing something when your counsellor said he 'just' wanted to scare you? YES, HE DID SCARE YOU! It would scare me, that's for sure, and I'd be on the next stage out of town. How qualified is your 'counsellor'? Incredible stuff.
Does he own a gun?
I have only one word. LEAVE!
Am I also missing something when your counsellor said he 'just' wanted to scare you? YES, HE DID SCARE YOU! It would scare me, that's for sure, and I'd be on the next stage out of town. How qualified is your 'counsellor'? Incredible stuff.
Does he own a gun?
Good point Steely.
You know, I'm not a psychologist but I don't think shooting someone is necessarily because someone is inherently violent. People kill their SO etc for a number of reasons, could be losing sight of any future happiness, could be depression, could be brain damage, personality disorders, fear etc etc. Of course the only one who knows the intent for him saying that is him.
It may seem kooky to you and to many of us, but to him, well he said it.
If you absolutely have no way out, please always be on your guard. In fact I would ask him to remove his guns from the house, I'm sure there are storage facilities for them.
He said "the easy way to end it would be for one of us to be killed, you could be shot walking the dogs" (he owns guns for hunting). He's never, ever been violent.
It may seem kooky to you and to many of us, but to him, well he said it.
If you absolutely have no way out, please always be on your guard. In fact I would ask him to remove his guns from the house, I'm sure there are storage facilities for them.
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