Not sure what to do

Old 03-11-2021, 10:05 PM
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Not sure what to do

My husband has fallen off the wagon after a month of sobriety from alcohol. He is leaving work at 10:30 am and 2:30 pm to buy alcohol, chug it down and then goes back to work. He is in upper management where safety of his staff is his responsibility. Today I told him I could smell he had been drinking. He denied it, of course. I presented a breathalyzer that he willing said he would gladly take and pass. He blew a .08 5 minutes after being home from work. He stated, "see it's all 0s". Oh the lying about the truth right in front of you. I told him to knock the lying and denial off and start telling me the truth. He admitted he left work (leaving his phone at work, because I track him in hopes he has to keep himself in line) and went and purchased a pint of Jack Daniel's 1/4 mile from his work and downed the whole thing at 2:30 pm and returned to work for 3 more hours of work. He believes they don't smell it on him. I do the strong, not enabling thing and calmly tell him, "I won't live this way, you need to leave". After the usual, "can we talk", "can I just stay in the basement", "I have a problem" routine..... I again state, "I'm not living like this anymore". He leaves and attempts to come back to stay in the basement again. I stay strong and firm and remind him he can't stay with me if this is how he is going to live. Normally he would go get a hotel room about 2 miles from the house, think things through and renew his sobriety attempts again tomorrow. Tonight though, he drove 25 miles to his parents house and continued to drink with them. Yes, his parents know he has a sever drinking problem. I took him to the ER in September with a BAC of .383. Seems logical to give your kicked out 50 year old son several beers when he has a drinking problem. Him mom called me 3 hours after he arrived drunk herself, saying it will all work out and they really hadn't discussed the issue, they were just catching up on life!!!! WTF!!! I feel lost in how I can make him see the truth and get help. I appreciate any advice.
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Old 03-11-2021, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Learningnewways View Post
I feel lost in how I can make him see the truth and get help. I appreciate any advice.
Hi Learning. Well the truth is, you can't. You can't make him see what he doesn't want to see (or perhaps acknowledge to you) and you can't make him do what he doesn't want to do.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

His alcoholism is driving him right now and there is no way you are getting through, not tracking him, not tracking his blood alcohol level, none of it really makes any difference, except maybe to enable you to feel in control somehow?

He will quit drinking exactly at the moment he decides to and not before. Try to remember it's not personal (although it does affect your personally) he is not drinking at you, he is just drinking.

Perhaps now is the time you stand by your boundary and don't allow him to come back to your place until such time as he has sought real recovery, whether that is rehab and recovery, AA meetings, therapy or all those things. Sobriety and recovery are two different things though, so that can can take some time. Perhaps your boundary might be that he can't live with you until he has a year of sobriety and is working on recovery?

Have you attended any Al Anon meetings at all? You also deserve support - here, Al Anon/other groups.

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Old 03-12-2021, 12:22 AM
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I am sorry you have this in your life.

I second the Al-anon suggestion. I found the program enormously helpful in being with my drinking husband. Helped me pick out what was my responsibility and what was his.

I encourage you to do what is best for you and your well being.
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Old 03-12-2021, 04:57 AM
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If you won't live this way, then you won't live this way. Unfortunately you cannot count on your husband right now to change so that you can have the life you want. There are no magic words to make him see the light.

What does that mean for you?
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Old 03-12-2021, 05:55 AM
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Hi LNW,

Sorry for what brings you here. There is nothing you can do to convince you husband to seek help. He has to want to fix himself. You could talk over and over and I'm sure you have. It wont change until he want's to. I know this is frustrating and you can't believe someone that you love can't see what they are doing to you and to them self. Like Trailmix quoted "You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)".

Right now you need to focus on yourself. Al-anon is good. Doing things that bring you joy. All this has helped me get through some tough times. Just knowing that your not alone in this. We are here to help and to listen. There are lots of people here who have lots of good advice. Listen to them. Keep posting and keep being strong.
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Old 03-12-2021, 06:13 AM
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Learning........I like your screen name because it implies that you are open to learning and willing to make necessary changes. There is so much that you will have to learn in order to prevent your husband's alcoholism from taking over your own lilfe.....this is because alcoholism is called the family disease --as it eventually affects every member of the family, including the alcoholic. Right now, he is controlled by the disease of alcoholism. He probably doesn't even understand that at all. He probably thinks that he can control it, himself, without comittment to a strong program of recovery---that he will have to follow for the rest of his life. What is important, is, that YOU understand this. Knowing this will enable YOU to make the kind of decisions that will save you from being destroyed by his alcoholism.

It is highly unlikely that he will seek help if he continues to live with you. Seeking help just to keep you off of his back usually does not bring genuine results. An alcoholic wiill need to seek help because they want a lsober life for themselves----not just for someone else.
You indicate that you don't know what to do. One of the first things that I would suggest, to you, is to seek legal counsel from a lawyer. You will need to know what steps that you need to take if you decide not to let him back under the same roof as you. It is not easy to Legally refuse to let someone back into their own home. So, you would have to take legal steps, in case he does realize his legal rights and refuse to stay away.

We have a great library of articles in our sticky section (just above the regular threads). Over a hundred great articles under "Classic Readings". Also, read the articles in the forum called "The Best of Soberrecovery"-----at the very bottom of the main website.

For your convenience, I am giving you the following link to one of the articles that I think will help you, right now. It is a pretty good yardstick to judge where your husband is, right now,

10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
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Old 03-12-2021, 08:08 AM
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LNW... I am sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. I give you props for standing your ground about not wanting to live with his active drinking, a difficult thing to follow through on for sure. I read back to your original posts and wonder what prompted him to want to pursue sobriety in the the first place back in December? Was this a decision he arrived at on his own or were there incidents and circumstances that pointed him in that direction?

I ask because, as everyone else has stated, he won't quit drinking until he WANTS to. Believe me when I tell you that no amount of praying, wishing or hoping will change that. Just know that I am with you and am sending you positive thoughts, strength and support while you navigate this new normal.

MGG
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Old 03-13-2021, 03:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Learningnewways View Post
I presented a breathalyzer.... I told him to knock the lying and denial off and start telling me the truth.
I encourage you to stop your efforts to monitor his drinking and his truth. You'll get so very much more from focusing on your own truth. What is your truth?
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Old 03-13-2021, 04:39 AM
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You need to focus on yourself first.
Remember the three C's and get to an Al-Anon meeting. Just go!

Have you done any reading or research?
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