mountaingirl

I don't have enough words to give to you, but I wish that I did.
All I was trying to say was that, from my personal point of view, now that we don't drink, we are learning how to save our lives. That is huge.
I do not wish to belittle your struggle. My gut tells me that you know that. No one walks in my shoes but me, and no one walks in your shoes but you.

We come together for mutual recovery. If my story in that post on Don't Quit did not give you anything, that's fine with me. It doesn't hurt me to hear that. We take what there is from this place and leave the rest, right? I hope you find what you are looking for.
love,
MG

BLUESMAN52

Yes, we all take from this place what we need, and I know I have taken my share, and a lot of my stories probably have helped others, even if I feel they didn't. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I am getting frustrated with pdocs and life in general. I just don't see the point anymore of crawling along everyday being a zero.
Maybe if some kind soul out there gave me a chance at a job, I would come off disability in a heartbeat. Maybe then I would have a life. I don't see that happening. I have no skills, and no money for schooling.
Thanks for this thread, and you take care of you, OK?
I don't know what else to say.

mountaingirl

You HAVE a life, Joe. Look around.

(((Bluesman)))

BLUESMAN52

I just did look around and saw my wife and son head out to a scout meeting on OUR 25th anniversary. I can't go because I can't be around people.
I didn't want him to go because he is failing in school and has 2 tests tomorrow.
I am not listened to in my own house. I have no purpose here, so what do I have?

Chy

Joe, know I say this with deep empathy, but when is Joe going to start taking control?When are you going to do whatever it takes to force yourself to do things you fear? How much longer are you willing to realize it's all about what your willing and capable of doing has to come from inside you. There's so much pain and hurt, it's time to do some digging Joe. Come out of the misery, you have the power in you to do it, just look real hard. Baby steps my friend, you've come pretty close before, you still can do it.

tryinagain

Joe,
The deal.
Alright look, my job did not work out either. Recently I separated from that company and started my own company as jobs are not looking so hot here. I spent what I had on it in order to make it happen and that was in Sep. I am facing foreclosure and reposession of my car as everything that I run into here for a job is the same thing..either overqualified or underqualified and I do mean everything. I did not qualifiy for unemployment for whatever reasons. We are living on what my wife can bring in on her job which is keeping food on the table but not too much more. Sometimes, that is just life, like it, love it or hate it. Life is life. The only person who can find a reason to pick my head up off the pillow every day is me and me alone, period! I do exactly that and trudge forward doing everything that I can to find work or a job and will continue to do so. I am also sober and off the meds and have been for months now. God will send a blessing soon and I know this but he helps those that help themselves. Need I say more??
Love and Prayers Man,
Roy

BLUESMAN52

(((Chy)))
(((Roy)))

I don't know how to answer you. I don't know how to dig out of the misery.
I can't find a smile anywhere. I stopped looking for work since I am on disability, but disability is a job in itself. I have to see a shrink for the rest of my life, and they can't help me.
I too am off booze and meds since neither work, so I am struggling with this empty/dizzy/hateful feeling in my head.
I don't know anything anymore. Do I want to die? I can't even answer that, but I know I won't hurt myself. It would have to be God's will to take me.
I am out of words

tryinagain

The only words you need to say are to yourself...I told you this before. It goes something like "I will... (put something positive here)"

I understand man, I really do. I also know that you believe in God. There was a story I heard in many different ways over time that goes something like this..

There was a terrible storm in a small village. The church was one of the few buildings that was not destroyed. Atop the church roof sat the pastor as the building was completely flooded. A man in a Kayak paddled up and offered to take the pastor to safety. The pastor smiled and said "The storm has passed and those things make me uncomfortable, the lord will protect me but bless you for asking". The man smiled and paddled away. A short time passed and a small raft approached. They had one seat left and offered to take the pastor to safety. He smiled and said, "Thank you but that seat is best left for the next person you are sure to find. I am fine here as you can see as the Lord will protect me and others may need your help". The small craft paddled away and promised to send someone back for him. The man sat there for a bit praying for protection when he seen something floating by. He watched it as it passed within his reach as it bumped the edge of the rooftop and stopped when it got caught on the downspout. He briefly looked looked it over but decided that it was best to pray. It had been a while since he had seen any sign of life and it was beginning to get dark so he layed back and fell asleep. A short while later the roof gave in and the pastor with it. He died. He got to heaven and asked the Lord "Lord, I have served you all my life and never lost faith even at the weakest moments, why did you forsake me, I asked for your protection?"
The Lord replied, "Forsake you? I tried, three times. First I sent the Kayak, then the boat, you turned down both so I sent you a raft of your very own that you ignored."

lost puppy

Joe,
I feel like you do right now very often, but I have found the only anchor on me is ME!.
I found it so easy to say it's not my fault.
I have lost a great deal of respect from my wife and my kids as well, respect is earned they say and it takes twice as long to rebuild than to build.
I guess what I am saying is it is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Look on the bright side, if you are at the bottom you have no where but up to go!.
I too am unemployed, my wife makes all the cash right now, and yes she does not respect me for it as my drinking put us here, in fact she is down right angry about it.
BUT, if I stay sober, she stays, and things are getting better.
STAY TRUE TO YOU!!, you have value if you want to look for it.
Just remember the right road is the hardest road.

BLUESMAN52

(((Roy)))
That story....I have never heard it before....
It really hits home. Thank you. I know that stories can't make things happen, but they sure can put some fire under my A$$ to see what I am doing to myself.
I've said it on these boards time and time again....FINANCES are my biggest problem.
Disability bites cause you have to see a shrink for the rest of your life, and in my opinion, every shrink I have come across needed a shrink more than me. They give us pills to disguise our feelings, and that is supposed to make us better?

Well, as for the two words, "I Will"?

I add to that : "I Will do whatever it takes to find my true peace and happiness"

BLUESMAN52

I am not where you are, yet I feel worse than you. My wife and kids have not lost any respect for me nor are they angry.
I am not drinking, but other illnesses are preventing me from moving on. I WILL figure a way to beat this...
My drinking and Bipolar have put my family where we are now too. That's where all my guilt is coming from. We had it all. A dream house in the mountains, a pool, a hot tub, and thank God I came to my senses before we lost it all...I put it up for sale, and didn't lose the place.
It's a hard road ahead, but I am going to do whatever it takes to make it less bumpy. Thanks for the post.

(((Roy)))
There's another one.....
I WILL figure a way to beat this...

Ama

((((Dear Joe)))) and All,

Finances - well there is a one.......or rather not! Like Roy I have set up a company where there was meant to be a start for Jan 3 but now it is looking like Feb or even March.......so two months more of no income and all the pressures that poses. Seems like things get bleaker and bleaker. But I am not drinking and know that for those periods of my life where I have not been controlled by the bottle I have achieved so many things indeed.

We just dont know what is around the corner and sometimes at our lowest apparent ebb, the tide turns but we must be ready for it!!!!! This is my sincere hope and you are sober so that is a bit step forward though it doesnt necessarily feel like that now.

"They give us pills to disguise our feelings and that is supposed to make us better?"

Been there, done that. I can say that I dont take pills anymore and now I dont booze anymore either. My head - barmy as it is and as Bi-Polar etc as it is - well at least I own it today!!!! Whatever is going on in it - I just must live with it and in harmony with it. Gosh I am not making sense but rather trying to pick myself up too you see. I am on the ground and dont yet know how to get up......still crawling, but I can see that there is hope and I must embrace that thought or all else is lost.

Get out to a meeting if you can - REALLY - there are people (including me most days) who feel as useless and worthless because that is what I am hearing from you - from the depths of your pain. I feel it because I know it and wish it were not so for anyone.

I was told in treatment over five years ago now that if each day we can make a log of the positive things that happen each day, that can pick us up. Log even the smallest of actions or activities. Actually getting out of bed, going to the bathroom and splashing some refreshing water on ones face. Brushing your teeth, showering and putting on clean clothes. Putting laundry in the basket. See how the little things can mount up above the absolute nothing that we think we cannot get above????

Hope you are feeling even abit - teensy weensy bit better - I will wish it for you today. Luvs and Recovery Ama

BLUESMAN52

You sound like my twin!
I only wish I had a business mind and the know-how to start up some sort of business. I used to be involed in computer troubleshooting, but my mind is "not with it anymore". My docs have told me to stay out of that type of stressful work. I don't know anything else.
Each day I do get out of bed, I do wash up, I do all the cooking, take care of the dog, do my son's homewrok with him, and a lot of other things too. It's just that as I am doing this, I have in the back of my mind all the guilt of not being able to get and hold a job that pays enough to manage bills AND day care. I cry a lot because of this, then I get episodes where I need to just crash someplace because of the bipolar, and I find myself sleeping and or crying for the rest of the day.
Thanks for the post. I know I am not alone. I only wish peace for all of us one day. Good luck with your business.
Any suggestions what I could do? An internet business? What kind?
Have a good 24

Ama

Howz about doing a skill set analysis of yourself. You keep saying what you cannot do. How about looking at what you CAN do. Can you start the computer (Yes) Use email (Yes) Surf the Net (YES) Post on SR (YESSSSS)......you say that you do computer troubleshooting....so you aint a dope either it would seem :

Stop being so very cruel to yourself as I assure you that you are achieving far more than I can at the moment. My home is NOT so well cared for I assure you. All these things that you are doing count for so very very much you see. Being a male though makes it tougher I would imagine - Man is the Hunter etc. At least I suppose I can get away with abit more as I am female. But as I am a single parent I actually have to do the providing bit too unfortunately. So we are in the same boat and as I am not bringing in the income my children desire it is tough to say the least - especially with the demands for presents etc that this time of year brings......

Is there somehow you could get to use your skillset in a community project etc and thus start networking and an opportunity could open itself to you that way. We have to reach out into the wider world to see what is actually there you see.

I spent the entire weekend crying and most mornings this week too! The Bi-polar is a real bummer. Sometimes it causes a paralysis state on my facial muscles where I think I will never be able to smile again. Want to just crawl into a hole and die! But I have noticed that sometimes during these states that something happens or someone calls to the house that causes be to break the mood. I know too that my mood can be picked up with happy music. Try anything dear Joe but I think that if you look at your activity log and your skillset log you will see that you have more than you acknowledge. "This too shall pass".......We will get those much awaited promises and put faith in a power greater than us - cause we need it!!!! : Luvs and Recovery Ama

BLUESMAN52

(((Ama)))
I tried to think and think of what I could do to earn money, but like you, the bipolar is crippling me and no meds have worked.
My daughter was just here to visit. She is going to be a single mom because her marriage failed, and instead of being happy for her and that I am going to be a grandfather, all I did was cry when she left. I am still crying as I type. How can I run a business when I can't control my emotions?
Sorry for being so "up and down" all the time, but that's the disease.
I'll try networking. Sounds like a plan.

tryinagain

Joe, I keep coming back to ya once in a while for a reason. Sometimes I dont say anything and sit in the shadows following your progress and sometimes I let you know that I am here. Either way, I dont do it to waste my time or because I am obsessed with your situation.
I keep coming back because I believe in you Joe
We are different people. I dont just mean people that have drank too much or became addicted to one thing or another but those with similar problems that seem to be forced to ride the waves of life when others seem to float along without having to feel the crest of the tides at all. As messed up as this may sound to some, I know that you understand this. There is a reason for us and our turmoil. Maybe we are the living proof that god uses as examples to prove his existence to others or maybe there is just something about us that has pissed him off. I dont know and probably never will. What I do know is that you and I and many others here are very similar and share more similarities in this thing we call life than just too much booze and pain. We are those that have to ride the waves and take the path through the mountains rather than the flat and easy path. But, my intent did exactly what I had hoped that it would. You have a good heart man and are a good person. Follow that glimmer of light and dont wait for the roof to fall in, k?

You know the beauty in those words is that you see that glimmer of light once again. Stay there with me this time and although I may not have much to give, I will give you all I have to help you if you will be willing to help yourself. We have done this before Joe, let me know when you are ready. I am going to email you some stuff and we will get going again. Just think of all the good you will do with sharing your pain and suffering and come out of this thing and be happy and peaceful once again! So very many have followed your story and when you rise out of this pit that you see no way out of by the grace of god and faith/hope/trust, think of how many will actually gain a glimmer of hope to change their own life and believe that there is something better out there for them if they believe there is and realize that they have to do some of the work to find it.
Love Ya Bro, we are going to be ok!
Roy

BLUESMAN52

(((Thanks Roy)))

My email has changed. Whatever or whenever you want to email me, the address is [email protected]

I AM ready


Love ya bro

tryinagain

No need to thank me man, thank you for listening. You were the one who found the hope and strength to keep coming back. I thank you and even more, I thank god for that. Lesser men would have simply given up completely by now but you are still finding the strength to give it another go!!! Inspiring I tell ya..
Roy

bruised ego

For people who think they don't have much to offer anyone, you guys have just blown me away with this thread. You just put yourselves out there for someone else, and I'm crying here with the beauty of it.

**{hugs}} to all.

BLUESMAN52

Now that just made my day.
We are a tough group on a tough road.
We all have one major thing in common.
WE DON'T GIVE UP