Blondie

Just ranting here. Well, I'm still letting go more and more and letting my husband help himself. Frustrating! I just wish he would grow up! He was home all of last week (7 days straight) from work after having a minor out-patient procedure done on his leg. He needed to renew his handicap permit so he could park closer at work (he works for a huge company) and I told him that I would drive him down to the doctor's office Thursday or Friday, but he had to call the doctor first to get the paperwork started so it would be ready when we got there and we wouldn't miss the doctor in case the doctor had an emergency call or was in surgery. Well, the week came and went and he sat on his butt the whole time (granted his leg is broken, but I'm sure he could have done more then watch war movies, play on the computer, and yell for everybody to "shut up" all week). I forgot about his permit, but that was HIS responsibility anyway (I took care of it last time because he was in the hospital) and I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off taking care of everything (and I mean playing Santa, doing the cards, decorating the house inside and out, wrapping presents, plus all of the regular housework that comes with two small children), and all he had to do that week was get his handicap permit paperwork done. But did he do it, did he make that ONE phone call? NOOOOO! Today he asks ME to call the doctor up and get it FOR him. I informed him directly and without being sarcastic or nasty that I told him last week that I would drive him to the doctor's office on Thursday or Friday last week to pick up the paperwork (the doctor's office is in a hospital and my husband has trouble walking the parking deck stairs because of his leg so I offered to drive him to the front and drop him off so he wouldn't have to walk the stairs) when he made arrangements, which I told him he did not do when he was supposed to do it. He was silent and pouty for a few minutes and then I guess he realized that I had told him it was his job to do that last week and I was not doing it for him. He changed the subject. I was tempted to volunteer (as usual) to help him out of something that he had caused himself (I hate that guilty feeling, but I'm feeling it less and less), but I kept my mouth shut this time. It may sound mean and petty, but he neglects many, many things that are his responsibility and then I used to go around and take care of what he neglected to do or what he didn't feel like doing or remind him of things he forgot to do that he puts off until it's to late. It's always, "well, I'm so busy" or "I've got a lot on my mind" but he didn't do nything at all last week but sit around. Who is he kidding? Not me anymore that's for sure.

This morning he told me that even though the judge may take his license because of the DUI (his second in less then 5 years), he wasn't changing HIS attitude and was going to drive anyway. His reasoning is that the accident wasn't his fault (it really wasn't but they took his blood and found he was over the limit) and it wasn't fair. So he is going to stamp his feet and push out his lip and pout and say "you can't make me stop driving so there (sticking tongue out here)" like a little four year old. Well, if he gets caught, he'll have to pay the consequences of THAT stupid decision too. He just can't stand it because he didn't cause the accident. But I told him that if somebody had run into his car and the cops found a dead body in the trunk of his car, would it have been unfair to charge him with murder? Or should they let him go because the accident wasn't his fault so the evidence should be ignored? To this he threw a hissy fit and pouted and still whined "but it's not fair". To which I thought, "oh, grow up!" and I dropped the subject and don't bring it up any longer because he now knows my take on it.

Magichappens

It is frustrating dealing logically with an illogical thing like alcoholism. But it sounds like you are finding your boundaries and starting to take care of yourself. Whatever you are doing for yourself seems to be working. It's a lot of work to change our reaction to the destructive actions of others, but you are making a lot of progress. I hope you are able to see the improvements. You deserve some kudos. Hugs, Magic

New Day

Good for YOU! It sounds like you are also addressing some codependent issues that may have triggered the guilt in the past that caused you to clean up some of his messes. It is hard to not help. Especially when the consequences impact you as well.

I keep remembering what my therapist tells me: "get out of the way of the train because it is going to crash and you can't control it. Take care of yourself."

I am in the process of allowing my husband to be who he is to be. This has required that I find out who I am as well....Hmmmm, interesting to find out that I thought I knew myself very well but I am finding out that even though I thought I was taking care of myself it was still linked back to doing something for someone else not for me.

dreamcatcher

Oh yes I know "but it wasn't my fault" all to well. My AH just got his 3rd DUI in 1 1/2 years. The last one involved a pedestrian who walked into his truck. The problem is they don't always suffer the consequences. Who is going to get the vehicle from the impound yard $$$$$. When the person sues they go after you too. Can't get blood from a turnip, they go after the flesh and blood who is still out there working and trying to make a life for themself. Protect yourself, I am learning the hard way.

minnie

Unfortunately, addicts tend to stop growing up when they start using. Many of the addicts we know (and love?) started using early, so we are dealing with 15 year olds in a 30 or 40 year old body. This is a fact, and I have had to learn to stop expecting my A not to be a child. As a result, I have had to decide not to be his "mother" any more and separate.

That was my answer. It might not be for everyone.

bluester

Minnie,spot on with your answer. Know I am dealing with a 15 year old in a 50 year old body! His Mother was a enabler. She would tell him to go and have a drink,while I tell AH to cut back on drinking and smoking. Wouldn't surprise me if AH,started looking for a Mother figure,soon!