Freshstart1111

I have had a “friend” for 2.5 years. There has been a special friendship. Not dating but very close through text primarily and getting together with friends. I’ve been kept at arms length. He is guarded and drinks to cope and self medicate from past relationships. I’ve been honest with him about my concerns about his drinking. I’ve been a support for his self esteem. I have been real with him. He “stepped back” about a year ago after I was really openly honest with him about my concerns about his drinking. Going from daily contact to sporadic contact and now back to every other week. Nothing in his life seems to have changed. He wants to hear about mine but I get “I’m good. Plugging along”. Nothing real.
I finally knew I needed to stop this when I didn’t hear from him for my birthday over the weekend. And us both being Pisces was a “thing” between us. So I was hurt. And realized I’ve been still living in hope. Hope that something would change.
So I told him I am out. Told him I love him but he is guarded by walls and coping mechanisms. And I can’t live in hope anymore. I want real. And that he backs off but keeps coming back and we ignore the elephants in the room and I’m not really sure why he keeps coming back. And that it’s hard to see that he is still in the same place after two and a half years. And to be careful what he is teaching his young adult kids about coping. Told him I will always have his back if he ever wants to talk or get together for something real.

He responded saying he respects my thoughts and feelings and understands what I’m saying. Told me to reach out if I needed anything. To take care in the pandemic mentally.
Not a mention of missing my birthday. Which stung again. Nothing real as usual.
His response is as expected. Yup. Nothing has changed.
I knew that I needed to do this. I’ve let it linger for so long. Hoping. Just hoping. That my words would make him stop being so self-deprecating. That the light would come on about his life revolving around drinking. I knew That I can’t change him. That only when/if he’s ready he would do something about it. But I clung to hope. But it’s been 2.5 years and I can’t be part of it anymore. I waited in my marriage to an alcoholic narcissist to change for 22 years. And realized I was doing the same thing here.

I bit the bullet yesterday after I went back to a post I submitted last September on this board and someone said you know what the facts are, if you stay in this will you end up getting hurt. He missing my bday was a hurt. Not a big one but an enlightening one. And I knew I needed to be the one to end it rather than waiting for him to just eventually stop contacting me. I had to be the one to do it.
so thank you for your past support and for letting me vent. I don’t talk to my friends about him and his drinking issues so it is nice to have a place to put this out there and feel like someone else would get it.

Freshstart1111

I read Anthony Hopkins words about ”Let go of people who aren’t ready to love you yet” some time ago and felt it but wasn’t ready to accept it. I accept it now. I couldn’t post it here but it is a perfect read.

MyGirlGracie

Fresh,

I am so sorry that you are hurting, but I wanted to tell you that reading your post centered around hope was an eye-opener for me and I am sure, many others. Take some time to be kind to yourself and gain some freedom in your acceptance. Sending you virtual hugs.

MGG

trailmix

I'm glad you made that decision FS, I'm sure it hurts and it probably will for a while.

It is not possible to have a really close relationship - a "normal" relationship with someone in active addiction, it just isn't. No amount of wishing or hope or planning or love will have someone getting in to recovery, not until they are ready.

Do they realize they are on a rocky path? Probably many, many do, that doesn't mean they want to change that path.

You have come to these realizations and now you have the opportunity to make your own path and I'm happy for you. How are you holding up?

Sueby

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hope is so hard to let go of even when you know it's the right thing to do.

Take care of yourself <hugs>

Freshstart1111

Thank you for the virtual hugs and support. I have mixed feelings. There is a little relief that I’ve broken the attachment and I won’t be eagerly waiting for that next interaction. There is sadness that I have lost a friend. But there is anger that if he was a real friend he would have contacted me on my birthday. There is always the doubt of “is he really that bad?” There is the dawning that he couldn’t even muster the emotions to say he was sorry that he missed my birthday. Just can’t have emotions. That he is really “broken”. There is the wonder if it has any impact on him of losing me. There is the fear of the consequences on him and his kids if he doesn’t find some self-worth and self-esteem and doesn’t stop drinking to deal with his life. There is the frustration with myself that I let it come to him hurting me with forgetting my birthday to actually finally make the break. There is the anger with myself that I already did that once with my alcoholic ex husband (dealt with the drinking until he destroyed me with an affair). Why did I put up with it all until I got hurt? Then I guess there is the acceptance that his life is his and mine is mine. And The acceptance of my helplessness to help him. I have tried over and over and over to boost his self esteem. To be his friend. To share my concerns. I have surrendered. Let go and let God. I pray the universe or God or his angels blesses him with the strength to heal. I pray to his angels and my angels. I have said all I can say to him. I have tried to let go while still being his joking, “how are things” friend. I needed to fully let go of the hope and the attachment. I won’t lie and not admit that part of me hopes that this makes him think. But I know that the alcohol and avoiding his pain is likely stronger than the loss of me. But I can still hope...but without attachment, without investment, from a distance.

seekingcalm

You did the right thing for you...no one can love you unless they first love themselves. I have learned this through my partner, who now has 11 years of recovery and shares his wonderful life with me. I have learned this through my 29 year old son, whom I have not seen or spoken to in over 2 years. I wish you peace and happiness. This is a wonderful place to share things that few on the outside understand. Thank you for sharing.

Freshstart1111

Today is his birthday. And I feel off. I feel “bad” not sending him a happy birthday text. He missed my birthday and didn’t acknowledge it when I pointed it out when I let him go. And it’s not because he missed my bday that I’m not acknowledging his. I closed the door to what our relationship has been. I left a window open if he ever wants to be real with himself and with me but otherwise the door is closed. If I even text him happy birthday I feel like I am not staying true to my boundary and opening the door again, like I’ve done over and over and over the past 2 and a half years.

But it doesn’t feel good. I’ve got all the “codependency” thoughts. “If I don’t text him he’ll think I forgot or that I don’t care or that I’m only doing it because he missed my bday”. I can see how my attachment to him and my insecurities and my codependency are at work here. I don’t have anxious feelings about it like I would have in the past, which is good. It just feels “off”. I miss him and feel bad that I “can’t” even wish him a happy birthday.
Just needed to “tell someone” here.

SparkleKitty

I get it, I have definitely been there. It doesn't feel good, but at least I can promise you that that "off" feeling isn't going to last forever.

We have to learn to treat ourselves better, and that takes time, and it means taking the opportunities to make healthy choices when they arise. This is part of that process, and the dividends are a thousandfold. You will get there.

trailmix

I totally get it too and it sucks. In your logical mind (kind of) you know you shouldn't actually feel bad about doing nothing about his birthday, but that doesn't stop the feeling or the thought.

Believe me, I have pondered this a lot because I also have those feelings sometimes over - not much of anything lol. Depends on my mood really. I can tell myself - you are taking this day off (or whatever) for yourself, to look after yourself, but that doesn't stop the feeling (sometimes) of, but shouldn't I do this and this?

It's tough, I work on it and even when I'm not particularly successful in removing those feelings I know what they are and I move along knowing I am doing the right thing.

dandylion

FreshStart…….this is definitely the kind of situation where Time is truly on your side! The more time that passes, the more muted the bad feelings and preoccupation about him will be.
I have a thought/question for you.....What percentage of your thoughts, in any particular day are about the Past...and, how much is about the Future. I am talking about the future of your life, of course?

Gosh, if we didn't have the natural ability to think about the Future----to think about it--to dream about it----to fantasize about it---to lay plans for it---......I think that any given disappointment, in this life, would topple us over into a ditch where we would stay stuck forever!

Do you think that this might be a good time to turn your face toward the Future?

Popsy

Hi. I can relate. Although I am only just realising and walking away now. We were only close for the best part of six months. But it was one massive rollercoaster and I never knew where I stood. When he was up he was up. He said the most meaningful things to me and made me feel so loved.

One of things that annoys me is he sent memes with things like I will let you express your deepest emotions and I will love you and be there for you even on the days you are hard to love. Then he dumped me over a question!!! He now claims it's me that's the problem. The way I was. Even though I was calm and I don't have drama in my life. I was always there for him. But one tiny criticism about him and bang. It was like a light bulb went bang. How did we go from that to zero so easily.


You have to walk away. When you realise you are giving 100% and they are actually not giving it back to you.

How are things now? I'd be interested to know. I'm on day 8 now since we ended.

Freshstart1111

Hi Popsy. I’m sorry you are feeling this too. It’s been 3 weeks for me. There was definite sadness and still some. And anger. It’s a loss. I miss my friend and our laughs and talks.
When I find myself going down that road, I let myself cry and then tell myself what the reality is. He is emotionally unavailable and it is heartbreaking because he is so good and has so much to give. But he drinks to deal with his issues. That’s reality. And in two and a half years that hasn’t changed. And that’s reality.

I still catch myself hoping that I’ll get a call that he’s realized he needs help.
But I’m trying to move away from focusing too much on the hope.
I wake up in the morning and say:

“Bless him. Change me.”

“Let go and let god. I’ve said and done all I can.”

“Trust the process.”

And now I’ve added, due to Dandylions post above:
“Focus on the future”

I also set reminders on my phone so some of these sayings come up periodically just to remind myself.

Its hard to let go. But we will get there.

Popsy

I completely understand. I feel worse in the morning and mid afternoon. I guess it's because in the morning he would text me and say good morning beautiful. Then he'd call when he got to work and see how I was and stuff.

I am also missing the laughs. Because he was so funny and made me laugh my head off. Plus he was just someone to talk away too and I felt we clicked so much with our thoughts and views. So it's hard to no longer have the conversation and the love and care around me. But it's clear he can't get through more than a month without swallowing my head and getting angry.

Although this is the longest he's ever stayed silent and hostile so he perhaps means it this time. Which is fine. If he doesn't want a relationship or whatever I wish he would just leave it on a polite note Instead of all the mind games. I keep reading back the last conversation we had and I think he replied and didn't ask me how I was for attention. I think he said no he didn't miss me because he refuses to show he cares when he's angry and I think the last message where he said you went on and on and wouldn't stop, so I thought the only way to stop you was to end things was his way of trying to make me grovel. But I blocked him instead. I was not going to even say I'm sorry as I stand by what I said.

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm glad things are abit lighter but I can appreciate that you still wobble. It's so hard to seperate the two personalities they carry.

Freshstart1111

Yes. It feels so unfair that they have these two sides. And we can’t have the good one.

One other thing that I decided is that the end needed to come from ME, not him. If I let the relationship continue to be driven by what he wanted and needed, I realized I would definitely get hurt in the end. I wanted to make sure that he couldn’t do that to me. It needed to end on MY terms, not his, in order for me to protect myself.

I also say to myself a lot these days “Nothing changes if nothing changes”.

trailmix

And really, I think, it's important not to.

When we find ourselves saying things like - oh they are really a good person and treat me so well and they are so caring - except - when they are too drunk - need a drink - in withdrawal etc.

That's a problem. Addiction is a problem. He is not two people, he is one person and when we separate the two we do ourselves a disservice I think. He is a generally kind of nice person that is also an alcoholic not in any kind of recovery. That is part of him. You don't get one without the other and all that means.

CocoBear230

I am in the same boat. It's like I got to know two different people. The sad part is, I liked his "drunk" personality better than the sober one. Not that I want him to drink. But he was more emotionally available when he was drinking. When he got sober, he was cold, moody, selfish and distant. The charm was definitely gone and I was left feeling so confused on where I stood with him. It's been 4 months since I walked away and I'm still processing everything. Trying to make sense of something that is impossible to make sense of!

dandylion

T expand on CoCoBear's post. Alcohjolics drink to manage their feelings. Especially is they started drinking in their teens---they never learn to deal with their emotions without alcohol. It becomes one of their major coping mechanisms. It helps them cope with Life. Without alcohol, life can feel like a fish trying to live without water. It can take a long, long time for an alcoholic to learn to deal with life on life's terms---even after they have put down the bottle. for siome, it can be years, even when they are diligently working a program of abstainence (like AA).

Popsy

So true. I woke up this morning and feel completely hurt by the lies he told me about the other women. I think about the future I was visualising with him and can't believe the things he said to me were possibly all just nonsense. He always said we would get a dog. He'd talk about trips to the beach with my kids. He used to even say about sending me money each week to save for him as he was rubbish with money. I set him up a food shop account and he was getting a weekly shop and eating. I felt so proud of him. But Ive noticed he's not ordered since we split. So he's gone back to not caring for himself. It's hard to process what's happened. it was like he was working towards a future with me but he had all these lies in the background.

I wish I knew what he actually wanted. He was always saying he was sick of being lonely and wanted to be loved. Then he gets a chance but he can't control his wondering eyes. I think he's lived his whole life like this though based on what I've been told about him this week.

I just hope one day I wake up and he's not consuming all my thoughts still.

CocoBear230

I have come to realize and accept that everything my Alkie said or presented himself to be while he was drinking is the exact opposite of who he really is or how he really thinks/feels. It's painful that someone can be so manipulative, but I also don't think he knows any better and doesn't have the ability to take accountability for his actions or words. It's hard to give up the dream, but I have learned through this site that you have to take people as they are today and let go of the potential you may see in someone.